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Grief Healing Discussion Groups


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About Ofoeti

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    January 30, 2020
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of the Valley, Phoenix, AZ

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  1. Thank you, everyone. I have just connected with a counselor. I have also begun work on a resting place on my property for my husband's ashes. A task I have put off. And I have signed up for Osher Life-Long Learning lectures through Zoom. I will keep working on steps.
  2. I thank you for your message. I do not know if I can forgive him. Or myself. My sense of shame is immense. I am going to look for a counselor to help me with this. It is a very old feeling, from childhood I think, because my parents lobbed shame bombs back and forth throughout their life. So all 3 of us children had it embedded. I have probably needed to develop a sense of self-worth for a very very long time. Forgiveness is something I need to develop. I believe that is what helped you to make the first steps out of the chaos. Thank you for your insight.
  3. I am sorry you feel so abandoned. And I am not certain how much comfort I can offer to you. Annette seems to have supplied a missing ingredient in you that allowed you to truly participate in love and life. Perhaps at some times when you are thinking about her, you might recall a conversation or an action that you found especially helpful or soothing. If that gives you comfort, try to hang on to it as long as you can, being blessed to have had that moment, that enlightening thought, that pride in yourself that she encouraged. As for agorophobia--I think many people are being forced to ex
  4. Thank you. That is good salve for a wounded soul. I am sorry that you are alone. I often feel that way, because I have spent so very much of my life trying to "fix" life for others. And perhaps mothers in particular are susceptible to feeling guilty about how they treat their babies. Certainly the medical profession has, at least in the past, attributed many disorders to bad mothering. I know you are right about letting the guilt go. I have been told that often, but 12 years of old-timey parochial schooling planted a bumper crop for that! And I have good reason to believe the depress
  5. My husband of 54 years died January 30 of this year. I have written here before, and believed I had all the answers to getting on with my life. Actually, I believe I numbed the really troublesome emotions. Our marriage was not one of sharing. In fact, we went on with me supporting him and our two children full time. He was an artist. Self absorbed. Manipulative. Probably narcisstic. Yesterday I listened to a novel where both partners supported each other through their difficulties. It was a great ending to the novel, but left me crying. A lot. I feel so empty. I wanted him to hold me and comfo
  6. Eight months have passed since my husband died, of septic encephalopathy. We were married for 53 years. His body had been failing for 3 years, and together we spent many hours and nights in emergency wards and hospital rooms. He was 75, paraplegic from polio when he was 6. In his last 3 years he had developed loss of function in multiple systems: heart blockages, myasthenia gravis, diabetes, lymphedema, osteomyelitis. He survived these impacts because he had such strong care giving from myself and our two adult children. He was an artist--metalsmith, jeweler, craftsman, sculptor, painter.
  7. Thank you. After joining this group and reading all the comments, for the first time in a long while I feel able to let the anger go and see beyond hurt. I do miss him, and I do know he loved me, even if he couldn't say it in a meaningful way. And that is allowing me to grieve his passing less encumbered.
  8. Thank you all for your comments. I spend a long time reading them over; copying them and saving them. For most of my life, revealing myself emotionally has often been fraught with problems, so that I keep my "self" to myself. In the last months of my husband's illness, I finally told him that I was sorry I was not the wife he wanted me to be, but I could not help who I was. He seemed unable to believe I loved him, and he was afraid I would leave him. I discovered afterward that he actually told some of his visitors that, as well as his sisters. After 53 years! So, reading these responses, I fe
  9. Thank you for your comments. I worked very hard for him, and sacrificed a lot. My last therapist led me to realize that his actions arose from a deep sense of vulnerability in a social and familial culture of unrelenting patriarchy. For him to admit how very much I contributed would make him appear weak in his own eyes. His actions toward me were "not personal" in that sense. I think I always wanted some kind of validation from him, and that was probably beyond him. And his death left a big hole that he could never fill. Maybe that was not his responsibility, but mine. (I never had it i
  10. Thank you. I needed someone to tell me that I really am OK. Not selfish.
  11. My husband of 53 years died January 30. He was disabled all his life, and was in a nursing home for his last year following an accident. We were both creative people, but as we moved into our life together, more and more he became the dominant personality, and I felt dismissed, lonely, not understood. I supported both of us while he completed his B.A., then 4 years of art school, and then was the primary financial support for us and our two children through their young adulthoods. I could not find time to paint or sculpt or write. During our past ten years we led parallel lives. He required a
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