JeffB

I lost my Mom on April 11, 2020, at age 86 unexpectedly from a brain hemorrhage. I’m 54 and I was very close to her. I know intellectually that I was blessed to have her for 54 years. She loved me unconditionally and our bond was special. My Dad died in 2016 also unexpectedly and now that they are both gone I feel like my life is done, a part of me wants it to be done. Dealing with her death on top of this Covid 19 mess, our criminal and negligent government and the next great economic depression we will face, I feel like the world and our country just isn’t worth living in. I’m absolutely lost, I’m numb and angry and extremely tired. I think I’ve gained 20 pounds in a month from binge eating. I know I can’t go back but so much of me does not want to go forward. I’m just a physical shell going through the motions. I already feel dead emotionally. So why post on here? Well because I know that millions and millions of other people are suffering during this time as well. I know that this will pass and I know that I have a partner who loves me. I have a sister and niece and great nieces and nephews. They live across the country so trying to travel now is not possible. Perhaps I would feel better if I visited them? But when? Those thoughts, rational thoughts, keep me from harming myself. But dealing with the bad emotions is taking its toll. How in the hell did we allow all of this to happen? Going back to 9/11 it’s seems we are on a rapid slope down into the abyss. I feel like I’m watching an enormous wave approach and I can’t move out of its way. I’ve never felt this dark before. What do I do? What do we all do?