Hello,
I am new here as well as is sharing my feelings about my brother's death. First of all, I would like to apologize for my English. I am German but staying in the US for research reasons.
My brother died of a brain tumor on the 18th of March 2020. He was 5 years older than I am: my only brother and my favorite person in the whole world. We have been always very close and the early death of our mom (she died of cancer by the age of 48) has only strengthened our bond. He was diagnosed in December 2018 and it was so surreal. He was feeling good and went back to work only 5 weeks after his surgery. Kept working during chemo and radiation and still felt fine. Last July he took part in a charity mini-triathlon in England. I have seen him last December in Vienna and he was the kind, funny and smart guy as always. A few days before Christmas he started having trouble with his short-term memory. Because of the changes of his health condition I decided to fly to Austria again in January where I stayed for a few weeks. I am glad and grateful for this precious time with my brother although his short-term memory hasn't improved again. I returned to the States in February because I was told that it could take months until the next drastic change and I was already thinking about the time frame for my next visit. Unfortunately, his condition has suddenly deteriorated massively and he passed away a few weeks later. By that time, the global pandemic dominated life and I wasn't allowed to enter Austria to attend my brother's funeral on time. I would have stayed in quarantine for two weeks and in the meantime I would have missed it. My sister-in-law wasn't willing to wait this long because she wanted to get closure for the children and herself.
I am heartbroken and devastated not only by the loss of my brother but also by not attending his funeral. He was always there for me and I feel like I would have let him down. I can't sleep anymore because I feel so guilty amd at the same time I am so sad. I couldn't even say goodbye to him and I can never make it up for missing his funeral! It seems people are surprised that I am grieving by telling me "Well, you knew he was sick and going to die." Accuaintances immediately lose interest when they hear he didn't die of the coronavirus like that makes it less irrelevant. I feel all alone and there aren't any meetings of grieving groups at the time. You may have already guessed that my sister-in-law and I are not very close (she thinks her loss is bigger than mine and makes some kind of a competiton out of it!).
I have no idea how to deal with it. Although I know I will never feel complete happiness without my brother in this world I am wondering how to manage the pain so that I can at least function?
I would appreciate any help and advice! Thank you!
