It has been 2 and a half months since my Mom has been gone. We were on a weekend trip with my whole family the weekend she passed. I had gone to her hotel room and was talking to her. It was usual conversation. She had been struggling to get over bronchitis and definitely didn’t sound good that morning. I had told her she needed to get back to the doctor, actually. We were still joking and talking when all of a sudden she said she couldn’t breathe. We tried her inhaler and that did nothing. She said Heather, I can’t breathe. I called 911 and watched her as she turned purple then blue. She fell and hit her head on the nightstand which resulted in a huge, open laceration on her forehead when I got up to open the hotel door for my Dad because he didn’t have the key with him. I got her laid out on the floor and tried to do cpr but I know I was not pressing hard enough. When the ambulance finally arrived they put a machine on to pump her heart for her and they rushed her to the emergency room. They tried to get her back but they couldn’t. The ER physician said she wouldn’t have any brain function. I still don’t feel like it’s real. I was so out of my mind that I didn’t know my family turned down the autopsy and not knowing what took my young mother of only 57 years old is so hard to live with every day. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t doing cpr correctly. What kind of a mother doesn’t know how to do this correctly? I am haunted by the scared look on her face knowing she was terrified and I could do nothing. I watched my mother die. She was my best friend. We talked every day. I relied on her for motherly advice as I am the mother of four little daughters. I feel like I am just going through the motions of my daily life but I don’t feel present. I honestly don’t remember half of what I’ve done since her passing. It’s all a blur of sadness. I feel like it is hard for my friends to relate as they are all lucky and still have their mothers. My husband does understand some of what I am feeling as we lost his Mom a few years back as well. It’s just different because my mom and I shared a very powerful bond that not everyone is lucky to share with their mom.
I worry that when we die- we are just dead and that is it. I am questioning my faith more than ever. I am scared that I won’t see her again and I am terrified that after death we are just gone forever. I also find myself obsessively wondering if my mom knows she is gone. She had so many plans and wanted to watch her grandkids grow up. What kind of sense do any of these thoughts make? I just feel so very lost and sad. I replay her last moments over and over again and it is so hard. I know she wouldn’t want me to do this but getting over that is not something I am doing well at. I don’t know how to process or deal with any of this. I have thought about grief counseling but living in Illinois during this COVID pandemic has prevented me from being able to attend face to face grief counseling. I cannot meet with a counselor over a computer screen. It would be too awkward for me I think. I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I feel so lost.