Lbc1204

Thank you so much kayc. Your words really help. Since my nan passed my mum was also rushed into hospital with the exact same symptoms but which turned out to be anxiety. As they had sent my nan home with 'anxiety' the day before she died, this is so scary. And now my grandad is in hospital too, probably because of the stress of it all. It's hard to see it all as anything but a bad dream, but I will continue to use the above advice and resources and just take each day at a time. Thanks again.

I'm more sure why I am writing this, but I am not sure where else to turn. I feel like theres a certain amount of time that everyone (work colleagues, friends etc) are really sympathetic and then after that you feel like you really have to answer to the 'how are you doing' question with 'better' or it just gets awkward. And the people who feel the same as you, your family, somethings it's too hard to talk to them because if you say what's on your kind it might upset them if they are maybe having a night where they are doing better. Or are already struggling and you make them feel worse. 2 weeks ago, I got a phone call that my nan had passed away. She was very healthy, the last person I ever expected to lose. She went into hospital on the sunday, was sent home with a diagnosis of nothing more than anxiety, then dropped dead 2 days later. I have been broken ever since. I cannot breathe, I cant sleep and I cant think. People are dying of covid all the time, people are getting murdered in the street by police, and I can't care about anything other than the fact that I'll never see someone who was my best friend ever again. I am such a passionate person, wanting to help others and make a difference and I feel like any spark I once had is gone. There are a thousand reasons I can list as to why this hurts so much; the suddenness, the fact it could have been prevented if they had done a certain test, the fact she was the glue that help my family together or the fact that I was robbed of so many months with her because of lockdown. But the thing I feel most at the moment is that I will never feel happy again. Not truly happy and content, because she was a massive part of my happiness and I feel like something will just always be missing now. I'm also terrified of forgetting her and never wanting to try and remember her face or voice and not being able to picture it with complete accuracy. I can't face living in a world where she doesnt exist. Even though my world is filled with other people I love so so much, I just cant see now how life goes on.