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Dogmom

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Posts posted by Dogmom

  1. It's been 5 months since I lost Mom, and it is still so hard... Not a day goes by that I don't cry multiple times. The disbelief is still very strong and I ache to be able to sit with her and just talk. She was my go to person and sounding board. We would talk about my grown children/her grandchildren and their lives, our beloved dogs, family, really just anything and everything. She would always have an opinion, an answer, and she loved us all so much. I miss this love - hearing it in her words and actions, feeling it with a hug, or a smile, a nod or an action.

    It is never the same when you don't have your parent's input anymore, be it good or bad. I miss it all. She would tell me that I am too sensitive about things, and I probably am, but that's okay, as it's who I am. But she loved me so unconditionally and would have done anything for me. I don't think that there is anyone who can love you this way except for your parents. And not everyone is lucky enough to have this, but I was, and I miss it so much. When it seems like life is falling apart around me, the loss of my Mom (and Dad) is even more profound. As my children are going through struggles, I no longer have Mom and Dad to talk to about it. I may be "old" myself, but it doesn't change the magnitude of the loss. We were such a closely connected family, even when we lived miles apart.

    I guess I am writing here again today because I am at a "low" in the tidal wave of the grief process. Other family members and friends seem to have moved along, and I am stuck. I know that it is still early in the process, and that it is okay to feel the way that I do. But it is a lonely journey and nothing makes it better right now. I tried "going away" for a bit - stayed with my son out of state for 2 months. I think that gave me some distraction time, but now I am back at home and it's all I can think about. I think I am going to try to write down all my thoughts and remembrances about Mom (like her favorite things, foods, sayings), really anything that is "Mom." Like others, I am afraid that I will forget these things.. and that breaks my heart even more...  

    Thanks for listening...

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  2. Well it's unbelievable but here I am posting again about yet another loss. Yesterday I put my Mom (and Dad's) dog to sleep. Koz was a 16 yr old shih tzu that came to live with me 4 months ago when my mother had to go into a skilled nursing center. Mom passed away just 8 weeks ago on 4/29/22 and I am greatly mourning her loss. I have been so conflicted about what to do with Koz. He was blind, nearly deaf, and walked with a significant limp. He also had very large neck lymph nodes and the Vet said he most likely had lymphoma. He put him on prednisone to try to shrink the nodes (they were really big), but they didn't get any smaller. He was having more and more difficulty getting around, and pretty much just ate and then wanted to lay outside on the turf all day. But here in Arizona it is too hot to do that. He had no quality of life. Today it dawned on me that I never saw him wag his tail in happiness anymore. I think being blind and deaf must have been so isolating and he really no longer wanted to be held/snuggled with. He was still eating, and this was what I kept hanging on to, but really he just seemed miserable. The prednisone probably artificially increased his appetite. 

    I didn't want to have to be the one to make this decision as I have had unrelenting guilt, regret, and pain since I put my own Roxie to sleep 2 years ago. You know that horrible realization that one minute they are with us, alive, warm, soft, and then they are gone. I've never gotten over it, and never will. 

    Within the past 3 years I've lost my Mom, Dad, my biological father Pop, Roxie, Meishka (mom and dad's girl Shih Tzu), and now Koz. It is just too much loss in too short a time. If I didn't have my Zoe (7 yr old dog), I don't think I'd still be here.. 

    I've cried almost constantly the last 3 days, and multiple times a day the past 8 weeks. It doesn't take anything for the tears to flow. My heart is just so broken. Life will never be the same. I miss being able to talk with my mom more than anything in the world. We were sooo close, and I always knew she was there for me. I was never prepared for dealing with so much loss. 

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  3. Thank you for the recommended resources Marty. They were perfect. 

    Kay, I wish you didn't have to deal with these family struggles... I understand your frustration... It's amazing the differences between siblings... I am the oldest, the retired nurse practitioner, the one that needs to make sure everything is in order, "perfect." My sister is not the same. We are also having differences of opinions, but I am trying to keep focused on what I think my mother would have liked. Mom and I were so much alike, this is my last chance to create something she would have liked. 

    Strange how people come into your life when you least expect it. Yesterday I went to a "clothing store" to look for a black dress. The dressing room attendant asked me how I was doing, I guess I gave her a lackluster answer, as she questioned my response (in a kind manner). Well, I started crying and told her my mother had just passed away and I was there to find a black dress. She immediately came around her counter, gave me a big hug and comforting words... Then asked, did your mother like colors? Well, as it happens, my Mom LOVED colors and did not like black clothes... The attendant said, black is old fashioned, wear something colorful, that's what your mother would have liked. She was so right! She hugged me again and provided additional comforting words. She shared that her sister was at that moment in Hospice, and that her mother had already passed away. That they both loved wearing colorful clothing....   She changed my whole experience at the store and was just the person I needed at just the right time! I emailed the corporate offices to advise of this beautiful employee. 

    Here is another picture of mom on her last day before retirement. I love how she happy she looks! She had the most beautiful blue eyes... which she passed down to me. 🥰

     

     

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  4. I am so sorry about your sister Kay... I think we have had a similar path... I am thankful for your words, and am especially touched that you remember when I lost my Roxie 2 years ago. Too many losses... And now we are at the top of the list with our own mortality ever more evident. 

    The memorial service will be in 2 1/2 weeks. My son is with me for a few days, but then I will be alone. I dread it... every minute alone magnified. The past 2 years I have spent so much of my time being with, and helping mom. I can't picture what I will do... I've had no real life of my own.  I don't regret the time spent with mom, in fact, I see it as a treasure.  I just don't have a plan for me.  I think I will need to "get away" for a bit, maybe a road trip. Everything and everyplace here is a trigger. So, we'll see. I have a therapist and I know she will help me with all of this. 

    Thank you Kay and Marty for responding to my post. You are amazing women! 

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  5. I haven't posted for a while. I lost my Dad and then my 15 yr old chihuahua, Roxie, just 2 years ago and posted at that time. Mom passed away Friday 4/29/22, 4 days ago, at age 84. She had been going downhill over the past 8 months since have a blood clot in her lungs, and clots to the brain (vision affected, and cognitive changes) in August 2021. It is believed this may have been a result of having had covid 8 months prior. She survived the clots, but then she fell 3 times within 1 1/2 weeks in February 2022 and had a compression fracture in her back. She had tripped over her dog because of her bad eyesight. She was in the hospital for a week then had to go to a SNF for 5 weeks but she suffered there due to the horrific back pain. I moved her to a group home where she received wonderful care, and she had a Kyphoplasty (back surgery) which stabilized the compression fracture and relieved her pain. She was in the group home for 5 weeks. But she continued to go downhill during that time. She hardly ate, was never able to regain leg strength, and she seemed to give up. She was able to sit at the table in her wheelchair for Easter, but hardly ate. By the next weekend she started a more rapid decline. Not able to eat, lost ability to swallow pills, was bedridden, didn't communicate, and eventually it was clear that her brain was no longer functioning. She was just "breathing" and her heart still pumping. I was with her every day during the day, and the caretaker slept in her room on a recliner chair at night, and then Thursday night I stayed by her bedside all night. I didn't want to leave, I was afraid she would pass on without me there. At 7:40 am on Friday her breathing became rapid and shallow and she passed away. She never regained consciousness. I can't believe she is gone. We were so close, and I had spent nearly every day the past 9 months with her. Helping her, taking her to doctors appointments, bringing her food, watching tv, helping her with her pup, doing her shopping...

    I had moved back to Arizona in 2014 to be closer to my parents knowing they were aging. I retired just 2 years ago from being a RN/NP. But even though you know the inevitable outcome, it is overwhelming when it happens. I know she was miserable the last 8 months, losing most of her eyesight, being weaker, sensing her mortality, and I am trying to take some comfort in knowing that she no longer has to endure that pain, misery, sadness, but I still don't want her to be gone. I dreaded the time when I would no longer have my parents. No one to love me unconditionally, no one to know the very essence of me from the time I was born. Till the end, she worried about me, gave me advice, was a sounding wall for my worries and fears. I feel lost and empty, and can't see what lies ahead. I am trying to believe that she is with my Dad, and all the pups she loved over the years that have already crossed the rainbow bridge, but I am missing her physical presence. Oh Mom.... I miss you and love you so much.... 

     

     

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  6. Hi all. Those days of special significance are especially hard, but truly every single day is hard. I still cry at some point every single day, and it has been nearly 1 year and 4 months since I no longer had my little Roxie to hold. I think we all have a "special something" within us that made us such loving pet parents, and that same "special something" has made it especially hard for us to endure this heartbreaking journey. I do take some solace knowing I am not in this life journey alone, but it is a very lonely path... 

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  7. Today it is 1 year since my sweet, sweet little Roxie was no longer with me. I miss her every single day, as I will the rest of my life. She was my special little baby and I was so fortunate to have her in my life for 15 years. Yet no amount of time would have been long enough. I never wanted to live life without her. She was, and still is such a big part of me and our lives together. She was SO loving. She would snuggle in my arm or on my lap and give me infinite kisses. She was happy to do whatever I was doing. She loved to lay outside in the sun, go on a walk in my arms, play with her tiny yellow tennis ball, lay in her blanketed beds, go for a car rides on my lap even on long trips, eat salmon stick treats, wait for that last bite of what I was eating while sitting at my feet, eat cinnamon toast tidbits in her bed, play with her stuffed bunny, watch her buddies Zoe, Dora, and Milo, visit with GiGi and Boppop and Erin and Liana, and Shawn, go on plane trips in her blue "under the seat" travel bag, bark at other dogs or the doorbell, lift her little right leg to pee, investigate her back yard, wear her purple harness on walks, eat peanut butter off the spoon, paw at my leg to be picked up, wag her little tail when I came home from work, give me endless licks, but mostly she loved me and I loved her and I always will. She was the joy in my life and her absence breaks my heart. If only I could turn back time. In a response to another member, Marty mentioned a poem by Nessa Rapoport:

    Undo it, take it back,

    make every day the previous one

    until I am returned to the day

    before the one that made you gone.

    Or set me on an airplane traveling west,

    crossing the date line again and again,

    losing this day, then that,

    until the day of loss still lies ahead,

    and you are here instead of sorrow.

     

    If only I could make this happen... It is unfathomable to me that a year has passed. That last day is burned into my being forever. If only I could take it back. I dread the noon hour today. It is a marker that my brain cannot forget. I miss you so much my sweet Roxie, my best friend and soulmate. You will be with me in my heart and soul forever... 

    Sending you endless kisses,

    Mommy

     

     

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  8. Oh Frankie... you have me in tears. This is a beautiful  tribute to Coco. You are so good with your words and talented at writing poems. I love this picture of Coco at the beach. Did he like to go in the water? 

    I am so sorry for the loss of your best friend. It’s been 7 months for me without Roxie. Still crying every day. I think I always will... there’s so much sadness in my heart. 

    I wish I could give you a hug. I know we both very much miss our babies and could use an understanding hug. 
     

    I’m hoping life brings you some happy moments to help soften your pain and lighten the darkness. 
     

    hugs,

    Michele
     

     

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  9. I am sooooo sorry to hear that you lost your sweet Westley last night. When you've had someone you love for nearly your whole life, it's truly impossible to imagine that they are no longer physically with you. Everything around you is a reminder of them because they were so much a part of your daily life. Those feelings of disbelief, numbness, sorrow, and immense heartbreak are what we first feel and are very normal. Those of us that have loved greatly, mourn greatly. Crying is very much a part of it. It's ok to talk to others about how you are feeling and this site is a nurturing, safe place to reach out. There are so many helpful resources for you. Know that you are not alone as we all understand your sadness. Sending virtual hugs... and thank you for posting Westley's picture - he was a very handsome boy!

     

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  10. You are all so articulate and comforting in your responses, and you truly understand the depth of our bonds with our loved ones and the resultant emotional distress living with their loss. Thank you for the kind words, love, and virtual hugs. It means so much! If it wasn't for this forum, I would have no one to "talk to" about how I feel. It is my safe zone, and your words really do make a difference. 💗 

    Thank you Marty and Kay for the helpful articles... 

     

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  11. Reading all of your comments reminds me why I keep coming back... they are spot on and remind me that I am not alone. It's like you all are reading my mind. It's been 6 months and I still cry every day, I still think of Roxie so many times through the day and I miss her so much. I may have a couple of "better days," but then so easily I go right back to where I was 6 months ago and every day since then. Last week was especially bad.

    I too love my other dog, Zoe, with all my heart, and thankfully she has been here for me through the grief of losing Roxie, my Dad, early retirement, and living with the effects of the pandemic. I am not sure I would be here myself if I didn't have her. But Roxie was my soulmate of 15 years and it is not the same. I too want this year to be over with and yet the passage of time means more time has passed from having our loved ones. I don't want to cry all the time, but I am afraid that if I don't cry, that it means that I am not thinking about her as often, and that then I am betraying her memory. I know this is a normal grief process, but I don't feel like I can stop it. I am missing my Dad as well and sadly feel like I haven't been able to fully grieve his passing because Roxie left me just 3 weeks later. I guess that instead of wanting this year to be over with, I wish we could go back in time and change everything that happened this year (and 2019 for you Kay). 

    I have attached a picture of Roxie from Oct 13, 2019, nearly I year ago.

    We are all in this nightmare together... I am thankful that have each other, although I feel horrible for the reason. Know that my empathy spills over for all of us, and I hope that someday the nightmare will be over... 

    ❤️ Michele

     

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  12. For me, I think the mornings are the worst. I wake up knowing that I have another day ahead of me without having my little Roxie beside me, and the reminder that I will never see her again.

    I took early retirement in June, and so I have a lot of free time "stuck" at home. I find myself replaying her last 2 days over and over in my head. Those 2 "bad" days are so fresh in my mind and I still cry when I remember them. Maybe less than before, but it's still every day. Tomorrow it will be 21 weeks... I miss her so much... This has been the worst 5 months of my life. 😢 Hoping that all of you are finding some moments of healing. We so desperately need them...

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  13. Kayc, I have been thinking about you this past week and especially today. We mark the loss of our beloved time first by days, then weeks, then months, then years. But we miss them and love them no less. It is 20 weeks for me this week. I still cry every day missing my Roxie... You are in my thoughts today Kayc. I know how much you are missing your Arlie. Even though we are not there to sit by you or give you a hug, we are there with you in spirit and in understanding. We truly care and share your sorrow. 

    Michele

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  14. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your best friend, Chief. There are no words that can lessen the intense pain we feel when we lose someone so close. It is a special bond we have. Chief was there for you when you went through a difficult time, and you were there for him during his last moments. How comforting it must have been for Chief to be in your arms and to have you tell him that it was okay, and that you would always be there for him. That was a precious gift you gave to him. Do you have any pictures that you could post? We all understand what you are going through and are here to offer support. I lost my precious Roxie 18 weeks ago today. She was 15 years old and we were soooo bonded. We had been through so many life adventures and challenges together. I still can't belief that she is gone and I still cry everyday. It has been the worst 18 weeks of my life. I know that time will soften the pain, but I also know that it will take a very long time for me. She was such a big part of my life. Please know that I am truly sorry for your loss. 

    Michele

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  15. Such adoring eyes, showing so much love for you. I know you are missing Coco more than anything in the world, your feelings are well expressed in your poem. I can relate to every line. I am soooo sorry...

    Thank you for sharing this photo, Coco has such a sweet face. It's obvious you both loved each other so very much! 💕💕

    Hang in there... take it one day at a time... that's all we can handle right now... 💔😭

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  16. Thank you Alex. I am truly sorry about your loss as well. It is such a shock when they leave us so suddenly and unexpectedly, no matter their age. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you a virtual hug. I know it's not the same thing as hugging your precious baby, but it is filled with understanding and comfort. Take care of yourself..

    Kayc, you are also in my thoughts as I know it is coming up on 1 year that you lost Arli... Sending you a hug too... 💕

    Michele

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  17. Well it's been 16 weeks today. There is a huge hole in my heart and I miss her more than words can say. I still can't believe she is no longer with me in life. She was the sweetest 4# chihuahua you could ever meet. She just loved to be held. She even gave "kisses" to strangers. She was not your typical chihuahua, she truly was special. We had 15 years together, but it was not enough... Our time together ended too quickly. I never imagined living without her but here I am having to do just that. It is the hardest loss I've ever had and it's going to take a long time to not be so sad nearly every minute of every day. She was such a big part of my life. I was lucky to have her and will forever mourn her passing. I love you my little Roxie. You will be forever in my heart.🐕 ❤️😢💔

     

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  18. Thinking of you this weekend Frankie. Knowing it is an especially hard day today. I believe that Coco hears the birthday wishes coming from you and knows how much you are missing him. It sounds like you celebrated his birthdays in style! 🎂 He looks adorable in this picture 🕶️.

    I read the 1st Kate McGahan book last night. Cried most of the way through it. Will start book #2 today. Thank you for suggesting them. I bought all three. 

    Our lives are forever changed. I am trying to grasp the concept that even when our loved ones are not here, our love keeps them with us. It's a hard concept to accept. 

    Hang in there today, and tomorrow, and every day thereafter. You are not alone in your feelings. We will love them forever and wherever they are now, they will love us forever. We were so fortunate to have them in our lives, even if only for a short while... 😭💔

    Sending you a virtual hug across the ocean today...

    Michele

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  19. Kayc, you always have a very thoughtful and helpful reply. Your comment that, "It's very scary whenever we put ourselves out there like that and become vulnerable to love of another, but that is what we have to do to give/receive love.  Without which the world seems a colorless meaningless place." We all did just that, we put ourselves out there and loved GREATLY, and now we are crushed by our loss. We would never not have wanted what we had, we just don't want what we don't have any longer... Both you and MartyT have commented that the greater we have loved, the greater we feel our loss. Very true words.

    Frankie, I am glad that you went to the hospital and relieved that there was nothing, but sad that the stress and grief brought you to this point. It is a testament to the strong mind body connection. I feel like we were hit by the perfect storm right now, losing a best friend, living alone, being isolated due to the virus, and lack of access to physical support systems. Even here, in Arizona, the usual grief loss support groups I looked into aren't meeting, and Telehealth counseling fell short for me. I'm starting an antidepressant this week. It's been 15 weeks now and I just don't feel like I am moving forward. I am stuck in the past of what I have lost, and not able to see any positives for the future. Intellectually I know that time will help with the healing, but am sidelined by how hard I am taking the losses. The one positive note in my life is that I have my other pup Zoe, who I LOVE with all my heart, but I don't have the same long term bond with her yet (she's 5 yrs old), like I did with Roxie (15 years), so it is different. But thankfully she is in my life, as she is a positive force for me every day. 

    I am sorry that your family is not as supportive as you would like or need. Not everyone develops that special bond with their beloved pet as we have. So they'll never understand. But at least here in this group, we all do. Frankie is there anyone you know, friend maybe, that also has a dog and would be a good person for you to share your feelings with or spend time with? Would you be open to fostering a dog for awhile? How is it in the UK with the virus lockdown? Are you able to go out at all? What activities have you enjoyed in the past when you are not working? Are there volunteering opportunities? Anything to get you out of the house (if advisable...) and distracted from your thoughts? Well, please take care of yourself and know that others share your pain and sorrow and are sending positive thoughts your way.

    Michele 

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  20. Hard day today... every Thursday at noon I go back to those moments of "the appointment" when Roxie was no longer with me. I can't help but to mark the day/time in my mind. It's 14 weeks today but the images of the day are burned into my mind. I know I am not alone in this. Kayc - you mention the time that has passed since losing Arli in your responses, and Coco Forever is also doing the same. Being stuck at home without having the ability to find distracting activities to do because of the pandemic is making the grieving process so much worse. I ordered 3 of the books that Coco Forever mentioned, and I am still journaling by writing my thoughts and feelings to Roxie. I am taking it one day at a time... Thank you everyone for responding to my last post. 

     

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  21. Like Kayc, I am glad that you reached out for help and hope that you will keep their number close. I too am alone in my grief (I live alone) but am fortunate that I have my other dog Zoe as she demands my attention and love, and this provides distraction from endless ruminating. Experiencing grief and the ensuing depression is bad enough and then to add in the isolation due to the pandemic makes it SO much worse. Try to find some distractions, anything that will keep you busy. A house project maybe?  I reorganized a few closets, did some outside hardware, started back up on my treadmill, etc.

    Tomorrow it will be 14 weeks since I lost my Roxie, my best friend, who was always there for me for 15 years, who knew me best. It's the hardest thing I've had to go through in life... Tougher than my divorce, or the loss of my Dad just 3 weeks prior to Roxie's passing. With my Dad, dementia and then a broken hip from a fall drove him downhill, and then he had sudden respiratory distress which I strongly suspect was Covid (he was in a long term care facility where many others died from Covid). We had some time to process his decline, although the end occurred rapidly. I have felt guilty that I am mourning Roxie "more than" my Dad. But then I read a short book, "The Pet Loss Companion" by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio & Nancy Saxton-Lopez (available on Amazon), and there is a chapter titled, Losing Your Pet Can Hurt More Than Losing Your Parent, which helped me to understand my reaction. I have found this little book to be on target. The chapters are short, which helps when it is hard to concentrate. You said you have to deal with this alone, but you don't. Even though we are all far apart, we really are together in this sisterhood/brotherhood of having lost a beloved "best friend." I am glad that I found this discussion group. It is helping...

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  22. Is there someone close to you that you can turn to to share your thoughts? Perhaps you will consider getting some grief counseling and/or seeing your Primary Care Provider to discuss your feelings. These are qualified experts that can help you with how you are feeling. 

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  23. What a beautiful picture of Coco looking up at you! There is such love in this picture! Thank you for sharing.

    I am glad that you are at least sleeping at night as I remember that this has been an issue for you. But yes, the day time is the hardest part of each day. Everything is a reminder, and once the "bad images" get triggered, we spiral downward with feelings of regret and guilt, and we replay those last moments over and over again. It becomes hard to remember all the good things when they are crowded out by the last bad moments, and the extreme sadness we continue to feel. I had a neighbor who is a Counselor tell me yesterday that being able to cry is a good thing, vs. holding it all inside. Well, I must be "really good" because I also continue to cry many times a day, every day. I feel like she took a part of me with her and I'll never be whole again. Her absence is excrutiating and she is always on my mind. I feel like I betrayed her trust and let her down by taking her from our world. I would give anything to be able to have a "do-over" of that day! It is unbearable and depressing, and I agree with you, life feels empty...

    I keep her blanket under my pillow at night, so I get it about the urn... If it gives you comfort, then it's okay. Thankfully I live alone, so have no one to judge my reaction to losing Roxie. Friends and family don't really get it, so I don't even try to explain it anymore.

    I think that we are special in how we love our dogs, more compassionate, kinder, loving, and caring than others that don't have such a close relationship with their pets. It is both our strength and our weakness... We've been privileged to have someone love us so deeply and to be able to love back. I think that Coco will always be that very special "boy" in your life and that it will take a long while for you to find some peace. But the love will never go away. I am hoping that our lifetime of good memories will eventually crowd out the bad memories of the last day/s. I feel your pain and wish that I could help lessen it. I am so sorry that you have to live without Coco being by your side. It is obvious how much you loved him. ❤️

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