My chihuahua Pucca was everything to me. My entire life revolved around her; our every day lives became such a routine for one another and I feel extremely empty without her. Everything I did involved Pucca one way or another, from the way I’d have to walk around the house to avoid stepping on all her toys she loved leaving in the same spots in the hallways, or how I’d always have to lint roll my clothes before I go to work when she starts to shed for the season. There was never a day that passed by where she wasn’t with me; I never went away for college and I just worked within my city. And there was never a day that passed by where I didn’t touch her or pick her up, nap together, eat together, all of that. I had her ever since she was around 2 months old when I was 13 (I’m 23 now) so she has definitely seen my roughest years while we grew up and matured together. I remember carrying her all the way home from a friend’s house whose dog just had a litter of puppies, she was so tiny and cute and it’s the main memory I love to reminisce and think about that brings a smile to my face and warms my heart. I was the person to carry her home for the first time, and I’m also the person that carried her home for the last time in her urn after she was cremated. She died from what I believe is a stroke, on April 20th 2020.
Since she was the biggest part of my life for so long, I now feel excruciatingly empty. She died so fast and so suddenly; the day prior there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with her but she ended up passing away in my arms as I was rushing her to the hospital the following night. The amount of pain in her eyes, face, and body especially during her last hour up until she took her last breath is burned into my memory and I have been crying every single night when my mind inevitably ends up thinking about the way she passed away. I have been so restless and I have so much trouble sleeping, I have a hard time eating the right amount of food every day, and talking to people about this is so hard and I can’t do it without bursting into tears. I miss her so much. The main thing I try to focus on is the fact that she’s no longer in pain; her tiny body and heart shouldn’t have dealt with that pain for as long as it did. And even if she did survive through it, she most likely would have struggled just to live each day onward.
Even though those logical thoughts are in my head, I still have so much trouble dealing with the grief. I almost feel a sense of guilt as well, because my mind constantly wanders on the “what ifs”, like “what if I had brought her to the hospital earlier”, and I know it’s a terrible mindset to be in and I’m completely miserable. I know I did everything I could to help her but it wasn’t enough unfortunately. She loved me so much and I know she was looking for me to help her and ease her pain, but I couldn’t. It breaks me realizing how empty both my house and my heart/mind are without her here, it doesn’t feel real not seeing her beside me anymore. I need help on learning different ways to cope with the heavy amounts of grief and sadness I feel every day, I feel like I’m in such a bad state of mind that I’m having trouble staying on the positive side and I constantly end up thinking about how she died and that she’s no longer here. I don’t want those thoughts to be what fills my mind when I think about her. When I think about Pucca I want to reminisce on all the happy times we had together, how we grew together, how much we loved each other, and how important we were to one another. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and the most sad I’ve ever been in my entire life.
If anyone else wants to share about their beloved pets that have passed away and how you’ve coped with that over time, I’ll be more than happy to read about it and take any sort of advice you have to give, my blessings are with you and your pet as well.
