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About RedPanda99

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  1. Hi all, I am so desperate and lonely and I do not know where else to turn. I lost my beloved father 8 weeks ago to a cancer that was diagnosed less than a month before. It had spread everywhere with little warning. Because of COVID, I could not visit him in the hospital for the last three weeks of his life, which I found unbearable. He was 64 years old, in otherwise amazing health and had never spent a day in a hospital or had any kind of illness at all. My Dad had a few vague symptoms for about nine months - stomach troubles, constipation - but nothing that seemed very serious. Of course now I feel so guilty that I did not push him to go to the doctor sooner. By the time he did, nothing could be done - he was too weak for chemotherapy and passed even sooner than the doctors predicted. I am 30 years old and my life is just beginning, and I am struggling so much to accept his unexpected and almost sudden death. He and I were so close, though I had moved out four years earlier (I regret this now; I did it because I felt old enough to be on my own). I had not spent a lot of time with him the last few years because I was busy living my own life. Selfish, I know, and I will carry that with me forever. I am having trouble thinking of any kind of future without my dad. He was a truly amazing supporter, and I feel like I have lost part of my identity with him. Thinking of milestones that used to make me excited for my future, like marriage and kids, seems impossible without my Dad here to see them. I should have had 20 more years with him. All my friends still have both their parents and have no idea what I am going through, which has become a suicidal depression that drugs do not help. I feel trapped in a nightmare; I no longer want my life. I want to be with my dad. The idea that I will never get to see or talk to my dad again is unfathomable and sends me into such a bad state of panic that I just want to end it all. Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to suffer and face his mortality so suddenly and unexpectedly? Why did it have to happen when I was just starting the best decade of my life? Why during COVID? Why not me instead?
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