KittyLove

I am so sorry about your sister. And I am so sorry about what is happening with your nieces & nephews. Sounds like insult to injury and I can feel your pain there. My story is not the same as yours, but I do have my own 'insult to injury' type scenario with the loss of my grandfather in July. You will find many people here that will reply to your posts, no matter how weird you are feeling. All I can say is dont beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. You will soon find others grappling with the same ordeals. It may not take away the pain, but at least you wont feel alone. I wish you a rest filled night & healthy appetite soon!! Take care, KL

Hi friends--I was on a break for the past 2 weeks. It was wonderful. I was away from people that stress me out that make me wonder if I live in a parrellel universe. I had an amazing talk with my husband with the way we want our lives to go this next year...and beyond. I am forcing myself to look ahead. I am determined to be positive and cut out negative people from my life this year--without apologizing. Even fair weathered friends, I have already dismissed in my mind. I feel so in control, making these resolutions to make my life a happier town to live in. I figure its my life, my only one!! Over the holidays I was thinking about all you sweet people who have answered my questions. I thank you so much & I am so thankfull for my new perspective on the way some people deal with their loss. I never realized how devastating it could be & then to read some of the posts on here, it has just opened my eyes and made me a more compassionate person. I think a way we can all feel better is helping people in whatever capacity. I made a casserole for my friends who have a 7 month old baby and they were in heaven. It made me feel so happy inside. I am going to continue to find ways to help other people in order to keep helping myself. If you are interested, I found this site--www.volunteermatch.org. I just want to thank you, the ones that have posted to my posts, for your thoughts. There is a real girl sitting behind here appreciating your wisdom.

This is my first year without the people I usually spend the holidays with. At Thanksgiving I had a huge eruption of emotion twice where I sobbed and sobbed. I thought I was over it. I have been feeling for the past 3 weeks like I am really coming to grips with my emotions. I am having those thoughts again about how sad it is that I dont have any family to run over to their house for a big dinner and get doted on and just feel sooooooo comfortable like you can only do when you grow up with these people. i will be with my hubby only this year. He is fantastic. But I am getting nervous and emotional again--and I am only at work. I find myself telling myself to breathe, its ok, nothing is going to happen. I dont want to have a breakdown again. I want to enjoy my holiday. I am going to keep reassuring myself and have a drink when I get home. I also had too much coffee w Eggnog flavored creamer this morning. Im sure thats not helping. Thanks, KL

Shell & JC- Thanks for the input. I cant fault my friends for not understanding....unfortunately they'll know soon enough. I have always had to rely on older people anyway to help me through the difficulties of my life. I am now definetly realizing that as a young girl I had enormous responsibility. Most people my age have never related to things I was dealing with. More than one person has told me to write a book. I wish I were a better writer But, I digress, I guess its that feeling it sounds like we all have- the pain that is burning in my throat & my belly of frustration and the feeling of being alone. Even though I know I am not. KL

Shell- You are right. Thank you for reminding me of what I had thought before. Sometimes I get so wrapped up thinking about something that I will never have an answer to. The thought of him being brave and not wanting to put me thruogh his suffering is a much more comfortimg thought.

I am realizing that my friends cant relate to losing a family member. All of them still have their immediate family. I am/was one of those people that were closer to their grandparents because their mom and dad werent there--physically &/or mentally. So I skipped a generation and clung to them. I feel like I lost the whole kit and caboodle now that my gpa is gone. I tell my friends and they listen, but they dont know that crappy gaping whole feeling in your heart kind of thing.

He couldve been treated by the dr's. He made the conscious decision to pass on. I cant wrap my mind around making that decision. What I do know is that he was a fighter. And he made his own decisions all the time. THis is an 80 yr old guy that after my gma passed, got himself a 'GF' as she put it. She was 15 years younger. He had macular degeneration and could barely see, but played golf 3 times a week. I guess he wanted to go on his own terms? Sometimes I wonder about the moment he thought it would be better for him to just be done with it all. He knew his quality of life would go down hill..and after he recovered from this operation, he was going to have to be treated for cancer that was spreading throughout his organs. I just dont know. I said my goodbye and he told me I'll be a good girl and then they loaded him up w more morphine and he passed a week later. How does one make that kind of decision? It blows me away. Any thoughts?

Please try excersize to help with the extra energy you feel, too. There is no medication like natural endorphins (ever heard of Runners High) And it can help you maintain your weight over the holidays!! What a bonus!

I think your boss' intentions were to try to be helpfull. If he gave you the major blow off and said something like 'suck it up' or something like that, now that would be majorly insensitive! But he shared something with you. I see the good intention in it. I try to remind myself that I am overly sensitive right now, *I* am the one out of whack, not everyone else.

OMG Lori, that candle idea is so sweet it brought tears to my eyes!!!

Hi Jenn----I just lost my gpa in June and my gma 2 years ago. Like you, I was extremely close with them, too. I've never been a big fan of xmas myself, so if you are worried about presents, the easiest way I find is to send people boxes of chocolate from sees.com. So easy. There will be more xmas' for you to participate in. This one is the one you'll have to pretty much think of yourself as you deal with your grief and loss. Dont feel bad about that. That is what I try to remind myself of. In almost every post I can only say I am so sorry we are all dealing with grief and our losses. Take care, KL

Trudy--I know, the holidays are hard. All I have to do is see a commercial with ahappy family gathered around a table to throw me!....and that is almost every commercial right now! I have run marathons before & I see this stretch of time as a marathon, not a sprint. Thank goodness there is a definite date this all this will let up and that Jan 2. We can all make it 'till then for sure. Each day takes us one step further through the holidays. The part that gets me is the just pain of loss which has no definite time period. Have a good day. KL

I have my good and bad months, weeks, days & hours. Yes, I am riding this roller coaster, just like everyone else. The emotions are insane and sometimes my depression is pathetic, but I make it through one more day. Now its been almost 6 months. I am in sales, so I know all the tricks and believe in them. Like 'Fake it 'till you make it'. Lately this would mean smiling and being cheerful at work...but I make it..and sometimes forcing that damn smile on my face does make me feel a little better. But one of the biggest things I think about when I just want to hide under the covers is ...what would my gpa & gma (died 2.5 yrs ago) want for me? I know they want me to be happy, to be strong, to grab the world by the cajones and get on with it. I dont want to let them down. This lights a fire under me and takes me to the next step...whether its only for 5 minutes or that day. I would love to hear what other people do and/or tell themselves to keep them motivated. Thanks everyone! KL

Maybe you could gather your siblings for a special night at your house for a couple of hours and have a special Xmas just for you guys. That way you dont have to have any of the well intentioned in laws interfering, you can talk about your mom and you can remember where your 'base' is with the core family members. Have the wine on hand & make sure you buy premade snacks so the stress is minimal. HTH. KL

Hi Jeff-- I know what you mean. After my gpa died (suddenly, within 3 weeks of an operation)in July I kept saying to myself I should of..., I should of..., I should of..., I should of... The feeling of 'what if I had only...' kept playing out in my mind for months. Then I started thinking that I am going to go crazy if I dont start thinking about everything I did do for him for all my 34 years. I did A LOT for him..and in turn, me. I know I brought him happiness and friendship. I was there for him when he got sick in the hospital. I bought him a $50 bouquet of beautiful flowers when I first went to see him only to find out he didnt remember my trip or who got him the flowers. I wasnt upset, what could he or I do- he was saturated with morphine. Anyway, he was 85. I know I did things to upset him and frustrate him, but I know he loved me. Maybe that is the way it was with your dad? Please try to think about all the beautiful, happy times you guys got to share and how it has enriched your life. I'm so sorry all of us are dealing with these things. It's tough. I'll keep my head up, if you do, too. KL