TameraSanders

Coming up on a year. Already. I miss Richard today just as much as I did when I realized he was gone. Still wonder why. Still feel the twinges of hurt when I see couples together and remember how I was part of a couple. Richard holding my hand, me low key proud that he was mine and I was his when people saw us together. Saturday is the 12th, but Friday is the day that is indelibly burned in my memory. What started out as a day full of promise, hope and happiness would end in tragedy, trauma and disbelief. I would make the long lonely 1.5 hour drive home in shock. How could this be happening? Why is this happening? What happened. What’s going on. Where’s Richard, why are we not together on this Friday evening like we always are. Why is he not here. Why are things different. Little did I know that morning when he held me and looked me in my eyes and told me he loved me that it would be prophetic and the last time. I knew it felt different from every other time he’s uttered that sentiment. Little did I know when he called me at 2:19 pm it would be the last time I would hear his voice. Oh how I miss him. How I wish I could hold him again. But through the pain that lingers, I have come to an epiphany. How blessed I am. How blessed I am that God chose me to be the last person Richard would be with, the last person he would talk to, the last person who would make his last 3 years on this Earth happy and loved. Oh how thankful I am to have been the one. I believe that none of this journey, from Richard reconnecting with me, to me being slow and methodical and both of us being intentional in letting down our guard, becoming vulnerable to take a chance and allow ourselves to love, to love one another. I miss Richard. And I would do it all over again. I have so many precious sweet memories. He is smiling and laughing in all. I’m glad I could make him happy. I am thankful to God for blessing me with Richard. Richard, until we are together again, please know that I love you and always will.

It made it a lot easier to make the decision to sell and move forward with those plans because that is what Richard and I were in the process of doing before he died. I had not yet put the house on the market as I was hoping to find employment first then move then sell. Richard and I would look at Zillow finding houses that we liked that had what he wanted (a room for a man cave and 2 car garage) and just enough of a yard for me to plant a small flower garden so we could have fresh flower cuttings in the house. We were going to stay in his apartment until his lease expires in May and then be ready to move into our forever home together. And then Covid hit, and no one was hiring and Richard died. I’m just continuing on with our plans. I couldn’t imagine coming back and living in my home, which to me would in effect be giving up; not doing what he and I wanted to do and instead settling thinking that was all that was left for me to do. For once in my life I wanted to do what I wanted to do and not allow fear to freeze me as it had done in the past. I am literally taking the leap without knowing the next step but I’m trusting God to sustain and guide and carry me, along with Richard’s spirit encouraging me. I feel good about this decision. If I have learned anything from this whole tragedy, it is that life is fleeting. So much here today gone tomorrow occurred in 2020. Richard’s moto was get busy living or get busy dying. I don’t know how many days are left for me, and while I don’t want to live without Richard, I know I have got to live. I want to live the life we planned together without fear. I miss my best friend, my love, my man.

I feel ok. Still no joy in my heart, still sad, depressed. It hurts me and makes me feel guilty when I laugh at something funny. How can I be laughing when Richard’s not here anymore? I was just reading a devotional which mentioned catching glimpses of God’s beauty and joy of creation and my mind wandered to thoughts of our trips to the mountains and how happy we were and how in awe of creation we were. I just want my life back as it was pre June 12. I want covid over and done with. I want to have the joy and happiness in my heart again which shown brightly in my face and was shared to all. Now I can bearly smile, not that anyone would see it trapped behind a mask. And it’s just not a genuine heart smile. He who made my heart smile is no longer with me. I also read this in the forward of Healing after Loss which I started reading this new year: “:::in addition to the poignancy of loss come the rush of love for the one we have lost and perhaps a sense that in the mystery of the universe, we still inhabit that universe together and are tied together in a love that cannot come untied.” That is my deep desire and hope. I hope he’s still with me. My house should be completed in March. I am truly excited about it. Still not a heart smile, but the thought of something new, a new trajectory for my life in my remaining years as God wills, gives me some comfort. And the kitties are just the cutest sweetest things when they are not being, well, kittens. I know one day they will be cats who just sit and observe, but right now they are living life as they should.

Hello to everyone. Thought I would check in and provide an update. Life is moment by moment. I’ve started going back into the office and I have moments that I just want to get up and scream and holler. I just don’t want to have todo life without Richard and especially the life I had with him, just without him like he never existed. That makes me feel so ill. So far have stayed covid free but the more I go back into the office and my adult son continues to make “play dates” with his fraternity bros, I hope that will stay true. I will be able to have the vaccine. Not sure if it’s the right think or if I should but I do know that we as a nation, world, cannot continue to live in the way we have. Something has to give. Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty much a bust. We interred Richard’s remains in the cemetery the day after Thanksgiving. I’m glad that I now have somewhere I can go to visit him. I sold my house on December 17th and I am living in an apartment temporarily while my new home is being built. I’m super excited about this endeavor. I thought long and hard about what am I to do not without Richard and the plans we had. I decided I wanted to continue on with our plans of selling my home and starting our lives together with a combined home. Richard is every step of the way with me as I progress with the development of our home. It is in a active adult community with a lake and trails. He would be proud that I am going forward and not retreating because he’s not with me. I do it all for him. I love him and owe him my ultimate dedication. No regrets. Now what I do regret are those cats. Oh my gosh. They just don’t stop. They have a lot of maturing to do before moving into a new home with me. I cannot have rambunctious kitties scratching up my floors and on my countertops. Anyway I hope all are well and I wanted to wish you new year blessings.

When am I going to feel happy again? When am I going to not miss Richard anymore? When am I going to recall memories and smile and not cry? When will it not hurt anymore? I am so lonely. Just not for anyone’s company, but specifically because I miss Richard so much. No one will ever fill that hole in my heart and soul.

My evening was rough. I keep asking why he had to leave. Why am I now alone when we were so happy together, when I was finally content and loved. I am so alone, a loneliness that not just anybody can fill. Only Richard can fill that void. That emptiness that lying on the couch with him watching mysteries of the abandon, dateline, those two “yelling men” (Skip and Shannon, debating sportscasters on some sports channel) and discussing what we are watching in only the way he and I did, we were so close, filled. I was fulfilled and whole with Richard. I think of that morning when he said I love you. So heavenly the way I received it. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never let him go. He was perfect that day. So exuberant and happy. I know in his heart he was so happy. He loved me. And I love him. No man ever loved me and wanted to be with me the way Richard did. For that I am truly blessed and thankful. I wish he had more time for me to show to him how deeply I appreciated and cherished him and his love. I just want to be with him again.

Checking in. Life continues and I guess I’ve hopped back in the merry go round. I feel like the grief fog has risen. I can sit at my computer and work all day and not be overcome with sadness. I’m eating and drinking more liquids. I don’t weep for Richard as much as I did. I guess the best I can do to keep his memory alive is the fresh flowers I place by his picture; that gives me a little tranquility. Watching The Andy Griffith Show now, which was one of Richard’s favorite shows and it’s the loaded goat episode. I know he would sit and watch and just laugh his hardy laugh. We visited Mt. Airy a number of times and there is a restaurant there named The Loaded Goat. I think it was the first time he took me to Mt. Airy that we ate there.

When Richard and I first talked about being together permanently I would say what if it doesn’t work out fearing that I would get the short end of the stick. He would say I could be the one leaving him and that frankly he doesn’t even think that. Which I grew to trust and believe that I would always have him. He would never leave me. But he did. And I wasn’t prepared. And I replay in my head all the way back to when we innocently started what eventually became our best lives together. It’s all gone and to never be again to create new memories. And so I weep. I used to NEVER take vacations. One of the things Richard sought in a companion was to have someone to travel and do things with. And he would plan the most simple and enjoyable trips. So for the past two years we were always on the go. Due to this stupid COVID and Richards leaving, I have not gone one place this year and don’t expect to either. Hopefully eventually this COVID mess will end so next year I can at least revisit our favorite places we’ve gone and those he wanted to take me. And so I weep. I went to a grief share meeting tonight. Good to be among people who wholeheartedly feel the same way...how to recover from loosing a loved one; for me, it is trying to make sense of the nonsensical, unimaginable. I can hardly look at pictures of Richard that I have saved as my phone wallpaper or the ones I have out in the house. It just makes me think of what was but will never be again. Grief is not always being a balled up heap crying under the covers (been there, done that). For me, at this point, it’s trying to understand how to live without him and reconciling that with the fond, loving memories fresh in my head and heart. And so I weep. @Gwenivere I hope everything will be ok for you. That doctor doesn’t seem to have a very good bedside manner.

I can’t believe Richard is gone. Why did he have to leave? I wish this was make believe. When am I going to wake up and he’s back here? I’m so sad and weepy. Not crying but weepy. I’m watching Andy Griffith his favorite show. I see his picture. I miss his calls and his text messages. Why couldn’t our happiness have continued? He never would have wanted to leave and not come back. The recall of the police at the door and how this nightmare began. The thought of Richard being up on that trial alone. Did he know something was wrong. Was he in pain. Was he afraid. Did he think of me. My poor baby. I wish I was with him to comfort him. My heart aches to think of him alone in pain and afraid and this happening to him alone and I wasn’t with him to hold his hand and comfort him, talk to him. Why did this happen? I just don’t understand. He was coming back.

Finally getting hummingbird visitors!

My house guests for a few weeks. I’m fostering them. There is a smile, not as deep and soulful as the smiles I had with Richard, but it’s a start.

Reading the replies to the post @missy1965 started, I thought I would provide an update on my progress. I still don’t understand why this happened. But today, just around 6 or 7 weeks since Richard left, the deep unrelenting pain has subsided. But I still weep for him. I miss him like crazy. I would go with him with no questions asked if he appeared to me and asked me to come with him. His family and I are still struggling with what happened as the autopsy has not been received yet. That might provide a small amount of comfort as to why a heathy active 52 year old man would suddenly die. It still eats me up to think that he might have known something was wrong, he was afraid, I wasn’t there to hold him, hold his head, hold his hand kiss him. But I do know he professed his love for ME before he left that morning and the last time we spoke by phone that afternoon his intention was to come back to me when he was finished. I know where I stood in his head, heart and life. His family tells me he was the happiest he had ever been in the last 3 years that we were together.. We completed each other. We planned to be together for the rest of our lives. Oh how I wish I could go back to that day and change the outcome. I love and miss him so much. I am thankful to God that through my prayer to be in a committed loving relationship, God chose me to answer Richard’s same prayer, but God knew Richard’s case was special. It was and is my honor to love, cherish and make Richard happy and bring him joy. Lord knows he filled my heart and world with great joy. The deep grief I feel is a testament to how deeply he affected me. I posted in the presence thread that I had a dream of Richard and that he was giving me something and that I remember a huge smile and my heart sunburst. Like how babies smile in their sleep. I’ve told the few people I shared the dream with that I don’t know what he was giving me, but I do and I believe it was a ring. We went to look at rings 2 weeks before he died. We both decided we didn’t necessarily need to be married to be committed to one another, but in my heart I believe that he would have proposed. Last night I kept having the feeling that someone was in the bed with me, that someone was trying to get my attention. Again in my heart I believe it is my forever love finally with me. I bought a few bird feeders a few weeks ago. The birds finally found the feeders (as did a squirrel) and I get some peace watching the birds lite on the feeders and sing. I have a finch feeder and hummingbird feeder too but I haven’t seen any yet. Hopefully I will get to see them before the winter. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about work and my home. I wish they would let me continue to work from home for the rest of the year, but I doubt they will. It is therapeutic for me to be able to leave the computer and go off and pull myself together when I feel the overwhelming sadness come in me by the thoughts I continue having of what was, what was to be, just the thought that Richard is gone takes me to the mat and I just can’t keep myself together. And as I said sitting out watching the birds helps me too. I started worrying about what I’m going to do when the seasons change and I can’t do that anymore. I tell my self that the definition of one day at a time, one moment at a time, is not to think of something that is at least 3 months out. Let that handle itself when it’s necessary. I’m trying to get my eating and appetite back to somewhat normal. I have gone days not eating more that a bite and not hydrating. But the one thing I know Richard would be disappointed in me would be that I’m not taking care of myself and continuing to be active. I want to start back biking and walking like we used to do and I can’t do that until I get my energy level back up. I get lightheaded when I get up from sitting sometimes. Not sure if that is from not eating, dehydration or the 150 mg of Effexor, but I will keep an eye on it. So my heart still yearns for Richard, I still pray hard to God for me to awaken to life as it was with Richard with a different outcome, but I’m slowly moving forward. I still have pictures I can’t look at. I still have 2 suitcases full of clothes that were at his apartment that I can’t go through and definitely cannot ever wear again because pretty much everything is a trigger. I have the shoes he had on that day, a few of his t shirts from our adventures and a candle And picture of Richard in the bedroom. I touch or bring his shoes to my heart, I kiss and hold his picture to my heart, I talk out loud to him and a God through tears. It’s not enough to kiss a picture or hold some shoes and shirt but it’s all I got. I pretty much keep to myself. Don’t feel like I constantly need to be around people or “others” as some have suggested. I have all the company I need and want and that’s the presence of my forever love Richard. If I am a loaner for the rest of my days, it’s ok with me. Richard will be my forever love and I only exist waiting for the day to be called home by Jesus to be reunited with my forever love. Edit at 9:02 pm. I am crying myself to sleep. I miss him so much. I love him. Why did he have to leave. It makes me sick.

@Gwenivere later in the early afternoon as I tried to fix myself some lunch I started crying again because I needed to cleanup the kitchen before doing anything and thought about when I was last with Richard that’s what I was doing. Preparing a good meal for his return. I just so miss him and what we were going to do together. He always had the plans. I just joined him for an adventure. I miss talking with him. The messages from him. The anticipation of being with him. I miss holding him. Holding his face. Kissing his lips. Holding his arm while we’re walking. Riding our bikes together. Talking about the future. We were not husband and wife, but we were each other’s spouse. We were so happy and I just can’t stand that this happened to him. He needed more, I needed more, time. But, if all I can get for now is a glimpse of his presence and each time it brings my heart to smile. I will take it. I have been waiting and asking to feel his presence m to let me know he’s still with me. I gave him a trinket one time that says you make my heart smile. I am going to include it with his ashes when they are interred. I want him to forever make my heart smile.

I was listening to a prayer call earlier this morning. I was in and out (half awake). And I distinctly remember smiling big. You know how babies smile in their sleep sometimes? While I didn’t see a face I know it was Richard. He was giving me something and I remember smiling big. I love him ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Why do I have to be going through this. Why does everyone else get to have someone and I don’t. I finally had someone like everyone else and it was fantastic and then he died. Why. Now I don’t have anybody. I don’t mean siblings or friends or children. I don’t have anyone to love and believe in me like Richard did and in return I was the same for him. We were best friends. Once again in my life I don’t have nobody and the sickening part is that I did have somebody but he’s gone. Not because we grew apart, but because he died. I was finally happy about life and love and positivity and felt so adored and cherished. The ache of it being stripped and taken from me is unbearable.

Yeah. I feel like I can sleep forever. My head is so muddled and foggy right now. Another Friday it is. What am I going to do to distract myself beginning at 2 to not start thinking about what happened. To not think that he should have come back. To not understand why he couldn’t come back. To hurt for him that this happened to him. He was so sweet. He didn’t know. He didn’t have anyone with him. I just so hate this happened to him. He didn’t deserve it. I keep reading scriptures and prayers that say God has something great in store for me. Does that mean Richard was not great. What we shared together was not great. If that is the case, the only way to attain that greatness is for Richard to die. Richard is my first and last love, that itself was an answer to my long held prayer. I wish we could have a do over. I would drop ever to be with him, no questions asked. I just want want we had back. We deserved to finally have what we longed for and to finally be happy. I finally had someone who loved me unconditionally and wholeheartedly. Why did it have to be taken away from me. Do I not deserve to be happy. Do I not deserve to have a soulmate special love. Boyfriend, partner, mate, companion. Relationships never work out for me. There must be something wrong with me.

@Gwenivere what you say is very thoughtful. I just so badly want back what we had, what I feel Richard and I were denied. I really thought I had my life partner. The person I was going to grow old with, experience life with, love and cherish and receive the same from him. I ache knowing that his happiness and our plans were cut short. I just feel like running away and making my life what we were planning. When I think about settling with the job and house, it makes me feel so bad and a little angry. I wanted him. I was giving up the other. I feel trapped. I feel robbed. Why couldn’t my fairytale last? I’m rambling.

I will continue working from home for now. 3 weeks ago I was adamant I had to leave that job even yesterday when I wrote my message. Now I’m thinking if I can figure out a way to work remotely for the remainder of my time (for I know that there is no such thing as forever in the physical sense and in the blink of an eye I too could be taken so I’m not going to say retirement). But I feel continuing in the same job living in the same house as I was before Richard sets me back 10 giant leaps. Does that even honor our hopes and dreams of having a place together to make ours the way we wanted it? The house I live in now is my family home, where I grew up. It’s not a part of Richard. It’s my mothers yard with where she planted things where she wanted them. Not Richards and my yard that I can choose where I want to plant a hydrangea in his memory and have fresh cut flowers. He knew I wanted a small area to have a flower garden. What about work? He knew I wanted to slow my pace and basically work to assist in mortgage and household expenses. Staying in this job will not lessen the stress. Starting anew would give me the opportunity to continue to live for us the way we were planning. But practically who am I kidding. What almost 53 year old needs to be looking for another job when I’m ~15 years to retirement and how am I going to obtain a mortgage on a home when housing costs are going to be higher than what I expend in the old home I’m in now? So much to think about.

Although I’ve been told no pressure but I’ve been asked if I want to ease back into coming in the office to work. I have been working from home due to Covid since 3/19. All of May and up to Richards death, I was working remotely from his apartment in a different city. Our plans were for me to eventually quit this job and work/live where he is. I had longed felt that I needed a change from that job, it wasn’t fulfilling me any longer, I was ready to move onto something less stressful and Richard understood and supported me. We agreed to this plan in 1/2019. Now all I have left is this job. I physically cannot bring myself to go back in that office. The reminders and thoughts of Richard once being my motivation and now he’s gone and the one thing I didn’t want remains is eating me up inside and bringing along a little bitterness. The world is still churning and I need to hope back on and continue doing what I was doing as if his life, our lives together, don’t matter anymore. I read a prayer that stated unit was by Gods grace that I was given another day. Where was Gods grace for Richard? To have other days to continue living for the good. For my good. Now I just don’t know what to do. Well, I actually do know what I want to do, and that is to continue our lives together as planned, but since that will not happen, what I want to do is create a clean slate and start over anew. New house, new job, and create something that is ours without the haunts of things that weren’t meant to be. But, alas, just as I felt back in 2019 that everything has to be done methodically, I have to take my time because I still have to work. But I don’t want to be there. I know my job will not continue to let me work from home even though it is just if not more efficient as going into a building every day. Every thing was going along so well. Why did it have to change? This definitely was not a change for the better. And if God has something better for me down the road, did it have to occur with the loss of life of another? I don’t want to be around others, least of all co workers. I need the solitude that I have for myself and when I feel like I need social interaction I decide the where, when and with whom. My mind is just all over the place. Why did he have to die? 😔

I did get up today. Decided to hike to the point where Richard was found and lay some flowers. I just needed to trace his steps. Then I drove the route he would have taken to come back to me. I’m tired, but glad I did it.

I woke up to daylight. Why? I just want it to stay dark and I just stay asleep.

Another night. How I long for forever darkness because I just can’t take waking up to another day with the same pain and loss of what was, what could have been. Friday’s are no good anymore because Richard didn’t come back to me on a Friday. Also Friday is when I would go to be with him for the weekend after work. He was my motivation for the week. Now Friday is a constant reminder of this awful situation. I last talked to him at 2:20, the police came by at 6 something. So now I either have to be around someone (right now only person I really want to talk to is my son or Richards family and we don’t live in the same town) or I have to be out during that window of time on Fridays. My son wasn’t available so I just got in the car and drove. Anywhere. Just anything to get me through 4-8 pm. I though I was going to be ok, but literally EVERYTHING is a trigger of a memory of what was and will never be again. I don’t know how to escape it. So I cried all the way back home talking to myself in a blinding rainstorm. This is senseless, there is no reason why he didn’t make it back, he’s done that trail many times, he should have come back like he always did, he was a good person, I would be with him tonight, we would be doing our thing enjoying being with each other, we were going away next week, I don’t know where he would have planned, it would have been fun, he was looking forward to having a home, he deserves to finally be happy and have what he always wanted. I just miss him so much. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and repeat yet again having to exist for a day With these thoughts until it’s time to go to bed again. I want to be with Richard. We need to be together. I need to be with him. We need to finish what we started. We waited for so long. I love him.

While I do believe our names were included in the book of life at the start of creation, and I believe our life story was written at that time as well, I refuse to believe that God took Richards life because He had a better plan for me or a different path to go instead of being with Richard. For that reason, I simply believe it was Richards time and fortunately he was doing exactly the one thing that he grew to love doing and find solace in, hiking. Unfortunately, it has left me wondering why now when we finally found love and the companionship that we so desired. We are at a good age in our lives where we know what matters and that wasn’t bling or pretensions, it was enjoying the simple things in life with someone and we just connected. It was so good. No drama from past relationships on either side, just starting slowly as friends and then realizing that we completed one another and that ended up in a deep love and adoration for one another. Richard was on a trail he had done numerous time. This time he didn’t make it down. Richard was definitely more of a competitive hiker in that he had set to hike at least a hundred miles before fall. The day he died he was well over 70 miles with the whole summer left with planned trips to surely top 100 miles. Our first “date” was a hike. I told him I wanted to go to this location a lot of people at work were talking about and he knew exactly what I was talking about. From that outing he looked for other opportunities to hike together. For me it was the satisfaction of succeeding a difficult trail with a bonus payoff of taking in Gods great beauty and creations. Upon reaching the top, we both came to a realization that it was just a spectacular awe inspiring moment that brought us closer to God. In fact, on one of our trips as we were descending the path, I thanked him for the opportunity that he provided me in experiencing what we were doing because just 4 months prior I was sad and depressed that I just was never going to have anyone love me the way I wanted to be loved and that I was going to have another summer doing nothing (I had been rejected yet again by someone who wasn’t the person I should have been with anyway). But as cautious as I was in the beginning with him, Richard stuck around and continued to connect with me when he had a weekend off to do something and calling to talk periodically. While my faith was much deeper and studied than Richards, he would always listen and understand my beliefs. One of the first things I was going to start doing when we were together was dedicated Bible study, even if it was memorizing a scripture. I wanted us to be connected in our faith as we were in all other parts of our relationship. He knew that was important to me and was very supportive. We were working together to be more giving people especially to those who had urgent needs. We need more time. Our love was a simple, gentle love. The joy to me from that love made it so easy for me to spread love and joy to others. Now that it is gone no one is receiving anything from me now. The warm energetic smile I shared with others died on the trail in June.

This right here! And what do I have left? A job that I have grown disillusioned with and was trying desperately to replace with a position in the area Richard lived. Out of the two, what do I have left. The one thing that wasn’t providing my happiness. Why couldn’t I have been fired? That’s a loss I would have gladly accepted and would have forced me to just step out on faith and move without employment. Richard said I could do that and just take my time looking for work. He would provide. But no, I was trying to be responsible and wasted a whole year giving to a job that is not fulfilling me anymore when I could have been with him. Now what do I have? That same job that I’m now loathing because out of the two I WANTED RICHARD!!!. I just had a crying meltdown awhile ago because I was already sad upon waking up (which I’m never going to wake up and be excited again) I went outside because that’s the only place of tranquility for me now (that and in bed because I can go to sleep to hopefully wake up from this dream and still have Richard or Richard appears to me and takes me back with him wherever he is) and prayed for God to restore what we had and then I come back inside to the computer with messages about stuff that really does it matter for anything? I just cried and spoke out to God how much I didn’t want this job but I want Richard. Oh how I hate waking up in the morning now. I wish the night would never end.

Have you received an appearance from your loved one? A dream about him/her. Or they appear to you in a dream. Or you feel their presence? You see a cardinal. Anything. I so want Richard to appear to me and let me know he’s alright and that he misses me and still loves me, but I don’t feel anything. I want to feel him.