AnnJ

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis, good luck with your treatment. Love that his lilac bush had bloomed for you. Good luck to you

Hi Razorcalm That sounds so positive and feels like you’re in a much better place. I saw this recently and it really resonated

Just stopped by to see how everyone is. I live in the UK but realize Thanksgiving weekend might be a tough time for you all(well tougher than normal) so was thinking you

Ah Razorclam I am so sorry you feel so isolated. Grief, especially our type (disenfranchised grieving for someone others don’t think is appropriate) can be a very lonely place. It actually sounds like you’re doing really really well.As for your therapist words fail me but ‘struck off’ comes to mind. Be gentle on yourself, sending hugs 🫂

Hi jc1030 Absolutely. I believe our loved one’s spirits, essence, presence or whatever is around us in some shape or form not always visible. If it gives you comfort and strength then that’s all that matters. I met my loss’s daughter the other day, not seen her since November and as we sat down to eat lunch she spotted a white feather on the floor. He’d come back to see us, show us his presence or it could have been from a bird, who knows but it’s stayed with me since. Take comfort from it. My heart goes out to you on your loss and for all the estate work which is not just hard but emotional too. Be gentle with yourself x

Wow that must have been so intense for you, the joy and closeness it brought and then the devastation it breaking caused you. I often think that our deceased ones are thinking “it’s lovely that you miss me but I don’t want you feeling this sad, remember me with joy but go live your life and be happy, I’ll always be here by your side but I’d never want to cause you this pain” Easier said than done I know! Maybe it was him telling you to move on or maybe your subconscious wants you to happier. You’ll never forget him, you’ll carry him in your heart and thoughts always but hopefully you’ll find happiness and I’m sure he’d want that.

Welcome MaggieAmn, you say it’s early days so I’m sure your heart just is breaking at the moment. Though I don’t know your story I know what it’s like to grieve a loss that’s not acceptable to other peoples ‘expectations’ Be gentle and kind to yourself and know we are here if you want to discuss anything without judgment. Feelings aren’t right or wrong they just are.

Wow razorclam what a brilliant thing you are doing. He’ll be with you in your heart every step of the way.

Hi razorcalm I know you probably don’t feel it today and I know I don’t know you, but you seem from your posts in this thread to have come a long way, you “are feeling less sorry for myself, and better for him because of his relatively good death”, and you don’t seem to be tortured by the cherry blossom either! Maybe little things but huge in the grand scheme of things. I share a disenfranchised grief with you and know that it’s hard. I’m sending a big virtual hug to you today. I too feel Tom’s family and our mutual friends have “moved on” and it enrages me. I’m sure they haven’t but I can’t understand how they can seem so ok when I still think about and miss him every day. Your post actually really helped me. I woke up to a Facebook reminder that today marks a year since I last saw Tom,( the first anniversary of his death is next weekend) and I opened my email to find the notification of your post too, a happy coincidence for me which felt like it was meant to be so thank you Look after and be gentle on yourself Grief the price we pay for love

Hi Cinda. In so sorry for your loss. I found the three months mark dreadful. I thought I was kinda getting a bit better, I’d not cry everyday, could have conversations about him without breaking down etc but at three months it was like I was side swiped. I felt worse than when I first lost him. Added to which it all felt a bit hopeless. For me too 3 months coincided with the first lifting of our lockdown restrictions and suddenly I could go back out walking but he wasn’t there (that was our thing, how we met and spent time together). I felt like there was no point to it or indeed life, I’d have been as happy to have stayed in lockdown but I knew he’d be furious with me for feeling like that too. I read up on it and (though not in my case as his immediate family did all the arrangements) the first few months can be busy busy sorting stuff but at this stage a lot of the initial tasks are done and suddenly you are left realizing that this is it. I wrote to him around this time,I sobbed as I wrote it(alcohol induced not good I know) but that letter, which I’ve since added to has actually brought me much comfort. This might be a help to you. Be gentle on yourself

Hi James I’m sorry for your loss. 5 months is such a short time and I totally understand that you’re constantly thinking of your Annette. I can only say that I still think of the person I lost constantly and it was six months ago. He’s the first thing I think of when I wake, the last thing when I go to sleep and he’s in my thoughts on some level all day. Due to circumstances I don’t have a lot of his stuff but I look at his pictures an album of which I’ve got on my phone almost daily and I re read bits of our messenger chats regularly too. I’m not sure how you balance the good times with living in the now but somehow I do. I actually find work is good as I have to concentrate on it but I’ve pictures of him on my desk and he’s my screensaver etc (couldn’t have this at home so it’s actually nice) so he’s there with me too. We all grieve differently but I suspect trying not to think of her may be just delaying it. I’m definitely not as distraught, I’m more sad than distraught and now don’t cry daily. I wish you the best of luck and hope as time passes it becomes a bit easier for you Ann

Thank you Kayc, Kieron that is beautiful

Hi Guys. Ah reminders. I sometimes think I’m my own worst enemy as I look at pictures and re reread our chats. Facebook memories I’ve come to both love and loathe in equal measure but I’m reminded of this “Grief the final act of love because where there is deep grief there was great love” I don’t think even I realised how much I was in love with Tom until I lost him For me it’s the unexpected side swipe that I get that reduces me to a mess.

Razorcalm that definitely resonates, thank you. Tom died of a sudden massive heart attack. I’ve often thought had circumstances allowed, and pre covid they were definitely heading that way until we had to social distance (though we still met) that had we got intimate I may have been the cause of that heart attack. I thank God that that wasn’t the case. I’m very lucky that my partner of 35 years is so supportive, though I now try to hide my upset as the bloke has put up with enough, but we still talk of Tom .

Kieron, that’s quite beautiful, thank you