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  1. Razorcalm that definitely resonates, thank you. Tom died of a sudden massive heart attack. I’ve often thought had circumstances allowed, and pre covid they were definitely heading that way until we had to social distance (though we still met) that had we got intimate I may have been the cause of that heart attack. I thank God that that wasn’t the case. I’m very lucky that my partner of 35 years is so supportive, though I now try to hide my upset as the bloke has put up with enough, but we still talk of Tom .
  2. Thank you for reaching out. It’s probably too late to be cautious, I’ve made no secret of how I felt about Tom. I genuinely don’t care what people think of me. If our friends can’t accept me and my feelings then I see that as their issue not mine. In fact the way I see it is if Tom’s family can accept me and welcome me as they have then so should everyone else.My grief is no ones else’s business to accept, it’s a fact of my life. It’s actually quite liberating not to care what people think of you. The only person who is entitled to an opinion on this is my partner and to his credit he has been hugely supportive. I’ve never outright told him I was in love with Tom, but he’s no fool. We often talk about Tom. Equally he’s intelligent enough to realise that there is no point in fighting with a dead man’s memory. I wasn’t intimate with Tom, but our time ran out and I think we would have been. If I learned anything in the last year it’s that life is not black and white and you can’t help your feelings. I think I still love my partner, I definitely still care for him deeply. In fact he goes in hospital this week and the one person who I’d of turned to for support about it and have done in the past was Tom. I need to work through my grief and I’ve discovered I’m not a person who can do that in secret. With the exception of my partner if the people in my life can’t accept and support that, it begs the question should they be in my life?.
  3. Last week I got very drunk,I know that’s not a good idea, but it is what it is. I ‘wrote a letter’ the subject of my disenfranchised grief, Tom. It’s helped me so much. It’s almost like drunk, I could articulate what I couldn’t sober. I sobbed when I wrote it. But I’ve re read it many times over the last 7 days and it’s helped me so much. Maybe this might help someone else too x
  4. Oh razorclam you kindly responded to my post earlier thank you, I’ve just got in from work and read your story, my heart breaks for you 💔. I totally understand the reminders. Having just come out of lockdown I last week managed to get back to one of the places we went walking together, just driving there was heartbreaking and the sight of the carpark reduced me to a sobbing wreck. I just know that when this whole covid thing is finished, and the world has settled into our new normal and folks remember their experiences mine will be predominantly that that’s the time I lost Tom.
  5. Thank you both. I was just afraid I might do her more harm than good, I’m probably overthinking it. He adored his children and grandchildren and I’d only ever want to do them good in his absence. Already when I talk to her she says things like “that’s just what Dad would have advised” and her younger sister, they are 40 & 29 respectively, said to her of me “she was brought to us by Dad”
  6. Hi Razorcalm Thank you for your reply. I do feel for you it’s like it makes the grief harder. All our mutual friends are, if not to my face, at best dismissive at worst disapproving. His family have been fabulous, especially his eldest daughter, we didn’t know each other prior to his death but we have leaned heavily (electronically because of lockdown- though we are due to meet next week)on each other but here is the rub; and before I explain my feelings on this I am in no way belittling the grief I know many people on here are experiencing at the loss of their parents. Both mine are gone and I still miss them. Its the way of the world that we lose our parents and his daughters will get to terms with it eventually and THE last thing I would ever want to do was to prolong their grief. I’d hate to message her one day upset, as we both do to each other currently, only for her to think - “God I wish she’d stop, I’m getting over losing Dad and she’s holding me back”. Now I have said this to her but she dismisses it I really don’t want to add to it.
  7. Thank you Kieron. I don’t feel miles ahead but it’s kind of you to say so. I know I’m the topic of many a conversation about the grieving I’m going through, mostly disapproving , I just wish people could put the same effort into trying to accept that whether they think it was appropriate or not I loved him and my loss is no less because of its perceived inappropriateness
  8. This may help someone The person I lost and I mainly communicated on Facebook messenger. I’ve downloaded all our conversations and had them made into a book and along with that there was a pdf. It’s been a comfort and reading it has made me hear him in my head. I’m new here so I don’t want to break possible advertising rules but I found the company via a google search
  9. Hello Anyone else going through disenfranchised grief- grief that others don’t acknowledge or think you should not be going through I had fallen in love with one of the men in our walking group. We’d been friends for years but my feelings for him had definitely changed in the last 6 or 8 months before he died. We had both got very close and spoke on messenger multiple times a day and despite lockdown still met (appropriately socially distanced - which was hard as we were great huggers) We’d only recently acknowledged our feelings for each other and even then not fully and were still ‘dancing around’ as I am in a very long term relationship. He was single. Unbeknown to me he talked about me all the time to his adult daughters, who have been very welcoming to me as “you made our Dad very happy” He died suddenly of a heart attack on Good Friday, we were meeting the next morning, our last words at 2pm on Friday were “looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” I am devastated. Still three months on crying daily but I feel like my grief can’t be acknowledged
  10. I’m so glad I found this thread. It’s 3 months in two days since a man I was head over heels in love with died very suddenly and I’ve felt worse this week than ever and couldn’t work out why. I’d put it down to coming out of lockdown and things going back to normal but without him but now thanks to you guys I realise it’s normal. It’s complicated that I shouldn’t have been in love with him but regardless of the rights and wrongs I was, but it leaves me in a situation that there are not many people I can talk to about it
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