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AnnJ

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Everything posted by AnnJ

  1. Hi Razorcalm That sounds so positive and feels like you’re in a much better place. I saw this recently and it really resonated
  2. Just stopped by to see how everyone is. I live in the UK but realize Thanksgiving weekend might be a tough time for you all(well tougher than normal) so was thinking you
  3. Ah Razorclam I am so sorry you feel so isolated. Grief, especially our type (disenfranchised grieving for someone others don’t think is appropriate) can be a very lonely place. It actually sounds like you’re doing really really well.As for your therapist words fail me but ‘struck off’ comes to mind. Be gentle on yourself, sending hugs 🫂
  4. Hi jc1030 Absolutely. I believe our loved one’s spirits, essence, presence or whatever is around us in some shape or form not always visible. If it gives you comfort and strength then that’s all that matters. I met my loss’s daughter the other day, not seen her since November and as we sat down to eat lunch she spotted a white feather on the floor. He’d come back to see us, show us his presence or it could have been from a bird, who knows but it’s stayed with me since. Take comfort from it. My heart goes out to you on your loss and for all the estate work which is not just hard but emotional too. Be gentle with yourself x
  5. Wow that must have been so intense for you, the joy and closeness it brought and then the devastation it breaking caused you. I often think that our deceased ones are thinking “it’s lovely that you miss me but I don’t want you feeling this sad, remember me with joy but go live your life and be happy, I’ll always be here by your side but I’d never want to cause you this pain” Easier said than done I know! Maybe it was him telling you to move on or maybe your subconscious wants you to happier. You’ll never forget him, you’ll carry him in your heart and thoughts always but hopefully you’ll find happiness and I’m sure he’d want that.
  6. Welcome MaggieAmn, you say it’s early days so I’m sure your heart just is breaking at the moment. Though I don’t know your story I know what it’s like to grieve a loss that’s not acceptable to other peoples ‘expectations’ Be gentle and kind to yourself and know we are here if you want to discuss anything without judgment. Feelings aren’t right or wrong they just are.
  7. Wow razorclam what a brilliant thing you are doing. He’ll be with you in your heart every step of the way.
  8. Hi razorcalm I know you probably don’t feel it today and I know I don’t know you, but you seem from your posts in this thread to have come a long way, you “are feeling less sorry for myself, and better for him because of his relatively good death”, and you don’t seem to be tortured by the cherry blossom either! Maybe little things but huge in the grand scheme of things. I share a disenfranchised grief with you and know that it’s hard. I’m sending a big virtual hug to you today. I too feel Tom’s family and our mutual friends have “moved on” and it enrages me. I’m sure they haven’t but I can’t understand how they can seem so ok when I still think about and miss him every day. Your post actually really helped me. I woke up to a Facebook reminder that today marks a year since I last saw Tom,( the first anniversary of his death is next weekend) and I opened my email to find the notification of your post too, a happy coincidence for me which felt like it was meant to be so thank you Look after and be gentle on yourself Grief the price we pay for love
  9. Hi Cinda. In so sorry for your loss. I found the three months mark dreadful. I thought I was kinda getting a bit better, I’d not cry everyday, could have conversations about him without breaking down etc but at three months it was like I was side swiped. I felt worse than when I first lost him. Added to which it all felt a bit hopeless. For me too 3 months coincided with the first lifting of our lockdown restrictions and suddenly I could go back out walking but he wasn’t there (that was our thing, how we met and spent time together). I felt like there was no point to it or indeed life, I’d have been as happy to have stayed in lockdown but I knew he’d be furious with me for feeling like that too. I read up on it and (though not in my case as his immediate family did all the arrangements) the first few months can be busy busy sorting stuff but at this stage a lot of the initial tasks are done and suddenly you are left realizing that this is it. I wrote to him around this time,I sobbed as I wrote it(alcohol induced not good I know) but that letter, which I’ve since added to has actually brought me much comfort. This might be a help to you. Be gentle on yourself
  10. Hi James I’m sorry for your loss. 5 months is such a short time and I totally understand that you’re constantly thinking of your Annette. I can only say that I still think of the person I lost constantly and it was six months ago. He’s the first thing I think of when I wake, the last thing when I go to sleep and he’s in my thoughts on some level all day. Due to circumstances I don’t have a lot of his stuff but I look at his pictures an album of which I’ve got on my phone almost daily and I re read bits of our messenger chats regularly too. I’m not sure how you balance the good times with living in the now but somehow I do. I actually find work is good as I have to concentrate on it but I’ve pictures of him on my desk and he’s my screensaver etc (couldn’t have this at home so it’s actually nice) so he’s there with me too. We all grieve differently but I suspect trying not to think of her may be just delaying it. I’m definitely not as distraught, I’m more sad than distraught and now don’t cry daily. I wish you the best of luck and hope as time passes it becomes a bit easier for you Ann
  11. Hi Guys. Ah reminders. I sometimes think I’m my own worst enemy as I look at pictures and re reread our chats. Facebook memories I’ve come to both love and loathe in equal measure but I’m reminded of this “Grief the final act of love because where there is deep grief there was great love” I don’t think even I realised how much I was in love with Tom until I lost him For me it’s the unexpected side swipe that I get that reduces me to a mess.
  12. Razorcalm that definitely resonates, thank you. Tom died of a sudden massive heart attack. I’ve often thought had circumstances allowed, and pre covid they were definitely heading that way until we had to social distance (though we still met) that had we got intimate I may have been the cause of that heart attack. I thank God that that wasn’t the case. I’m very lucky that my partner of 35 years is so supportive, though I now try to hide my upset as the bloke has put up with enough, but we still talk of Tom .
  13. Thank you for reaching out. It’s probably too late to be cautious, I’ve made no secret of how I felt about Tom. I genuinely don’t care what people think of me. If our friends can’t accept me and my feelings then I see that as their issue not mine. In fact the way I see it is if Tom’s family can accept me and welcome me as they have then so should everyone else.My grief is no ones else’s business to accept, it’s a fact of my life. It’s actually quite liberating not to care what people think of you. The only person who is entitled to an opinion on this is my partner and to his credit he has been hugely supportive. I’ve never outright told him I was in love with Tom, but he’s no fool. We often talk about Tom. Equally he’s intelligent enough to realise that there is no point in fighting with a dead man’s memory. I wasn’t intimate with Tom, but our time ran out and I think we would have been. If I learned anything in the last year it’s that life is not black and white and you can’t help your feelings. I think I still love my partner, I definitely still care for him deeply. In fact he goes in hospital this week and the one person who I’d of turned to for support about it and have done in the past was Tom. I need to work through my grief and I’ve discovered I’m not a person who can do that in secret. With the exception of my partner if the people in my life can’t accept and support that, it begs the question should they be in my life?.
  14. Last week I got very drunk,I know that’s not a good idea, but it is what it is. I ‘wrote a letter’ the subject of my disenfranchised grief, Tom. It’s helped me so much. It’s almost like drunk, I could articulate what I couldn’t sober. I sobbed when I wrote it. But I’ve re read it many times over the last 7 days and it’s helped me so much. Maybe this might help someone else too x
  15. Oh razorclam you kindly responded to my post earlier thank you, I’ve just got in from work and read your story, my heart breaks for you 💔. I totally understand the reminders. Having just come out of lockdown I last week managed to get back to one of the places we went walking together, just driving there was heartbreaking and the sight of the carpark reduced me to a sobbing wreck. I just know that when this whole covid thing is finished, and the world has settled into our new normal and folks remember their experiences mine will be predominantly that that’s the time I lost Tom.
  16. Thank you both. I was just afraid I might do her more harm than good, I’m probably overthinking it. He adored his children and grandchildren and I’d only ever want to do them good in his absence. Already when I talk to her she says things like “that’s just what Dad would have advised” and her younger sister, they are 40 & 29 respectively, said to her of me “she was brought to us by Dad”
  17. Hi Razorcalm Thank you for your reply. I do feel for you it’s like it makes the grief harder. All our mutual friends are, if not to my face, at best dismissive at worst disapproving. His family have been fabulous, especially his eldest daughter, we didn’t know each other prior to his death but we have leaned heavily (electronically because of lockdown- though we are due to meet next week)on each other but here is the rub; and before I explain my feelings on this I am in no way belittling the grief I know many people on here are experiencing at the loss of their parents. Both mine are gone and I still miss them. Its the way of the world that we lose our parents and his daughters will get to terms with it eventually and THE last thing I would ever want to do was to prolong their grief. I’d hate to message her one day upset, as we both do to each other currently, only for her to think - “God I wish she’d stop, I’m getting over losing Dad and she’s holding me back”. Now I have said this to her but she dismisses it I really don’t want to add to it.
  18. Thank you Kieron. I don’t feel miles ahead but it’s kind of you to say so. I know I’m the topic of many a conversation about the grieving I’m going through, mostly disapproving , I just wish people could put the same effort into trying to accept that whether they think it was appropriate or not I loved him and my loss is no less because of its perceived inappropriateness
  19. This may help someone The person I lost and I mainly communicated on Facebook messenger. I’ve downloaded all our conversations and had them made into a book and along with that there was a pdf. It’s been a comfort and reading it has made me hear him in my head. I’m new here so I don’t want to break possible advertising rules but I found the company via a google search
  20. Hello Anyone else going through disenfranchised grief- grief that others don’t acknowledge or think you should not be going through I had fallen in love with one of the men in our walking group. We’d been friends for years but my feelings for him had definitely changed in the last 6 or 8 months before he died. We had both got very close and spoke on messenger multiple times a day and despite lockdown still met (appropriately socially distanced - which was hard as we were great huggers) We’d only recently acknowledged our feelings for each other and even then not fully and were still ‘dancing around’ as I am in a very long term relationship. He was single. Unbeknown to me he talked about me all the time to his adult daughters, who have been very welcoming to me as “you made our Dad very happy” He died suddenly of a heart attack on Good Friday, we were meeting the next morning, our last words at 2pm on Friday were “looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” I am devastated. Still three months on crying daily but I feel like my grief can’t be acknowledged
  21. I’m so glad I found this thread. It’s 3 months in two days since a man I was head over heels in love with died very suddenly and I’ve felt worse this week than ever and couldn’t work out why. I’d put it down to coming out of lockdown and things going back to normal but without him but now thanks to you guys I realise it’s normal. It’s complicated that I shouldn’t have been in love with him but regardless of the rights and wrongs I was, but it leaves me in a situation that there are not many people I can talk to about it
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