Kay B

Hi Lexilou, sorry I haven't chatted with you in awhile. How are you managing? Remind me again when your loss was? Think it was June not too far from when I lost Mama. Oh Lexi I'm grieving and missing her so badly. I'm still crying every day. Between this forum, a twice a month online grief meeting, talking with the food bank's chaplain once a week, and seeing a therapist once every 2 weeks, you would think I would be doing better than I am. It's all a complicated situation because not only am I dealing with losing her but I've got alot of unresolved emotional baggage and a good number of spiritual issues around where she might be and anger issues with God of why did he take her away, why he makes me go through this pain, and even IF he exists or even any kind of higher power. As I stated to some others, I had a fair amount of spiritual belief before, but when Mama passed all my faith went out the window, I felt no spirituality, and just a feeling of dead nothingness inside. After 8 weeks of staying away from church, I've attended last 2 sunday's. I feel it's a waste and I'm only there physically but my heart is not. I cannot sing the songs and barely can listen to the sermon. I sit there, feel overwhelming sadness, cry, and try to shut the screaming voices in my head up. I can't concentrate on what the preacher says. It's like the hour of hell getting through it. I feel like I'm trying to appear as something I'm not. I've been in my church since 1996, a good chunk of time. But I feel no connection at this time. I gain strength here from reading and talking to all you folks. It would be nice to have any of y'all here in person, which would only strengthen the feelings of support. But I'll have to just be thankful I've found this site. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my story about Mama. Awhile back I posted about the day I got her, it was very special and makes it that much harder to accept daily life without her. She brought me so much joy, purpose, unconditional love, being a true soulmate, and I never thought I would face not having her so soon. I chose not to follow the vet's recommendation of euthanizing her, but I will constantly wonder if I caused her to suffer and try to face the exponential guilt I feel inside.

Hi kayc, it's been awhile since I talked with you. I loved seeing pictures of Arlie. I want to post pics of Mama but can't figure out how. I'm on my android cell phone, don't have a working computer. I'm still deep in the throes of grief. I've been talking avidly with DebbieGD, don't know if you have the ability to see posts made to others. I've been pretty incapacitated since Mama's passing end of June. I have, and continue to seek out help and support with her loss. I made many calls to places that offer grief support,but due to covid they are not meeting. I searched the internet and found this site,which has been wonderful. I need daily support, not just an hour every week or two. I can post here and poor out my heart as much as I please. I feel this is cathartic in the grief process. I've also found an online grief group that meets the first and third Tues each month and is run by a therapist via live zoom meeting. It is gut wrenching, not only talking about my loss, but hearing, seeing others in their loss. I have wondered which I cry more for them or me. I am a very empathtic person often bring on others pain to myself and grieving that too. I've been fortunate enough to see a professional therapist that my church is paying for, but they limit me to once every 2 weeks. I asked about additional 2 sessions that I would have to cover to be able to see the therapist once a week but they quoted 150/session and there's no way I can come up with that. I am on soc sec draw 1100 a month and my rent runs 925 not incl water, elec and internet. I get some food stamps and have 2 food banks I go to monthly. I don't have a car and have applied for section 8 housing. So when Mama was diag with diabetes I had to manage syringes, insulin, and prescription food. I fed her and my other dog Lacie human food supplemented with prescription food. They got boiled chicken breast, boiled egg, can pumpkin, and a vegetable which was either green beans, broccoli , cauliflower, or peas and carrots. These things I could get with food stamps or the food bank. So that freed up money for her diabetic supplies. I'm crying every day and the pain is barely manageable. If I could turn back the clock and have at least one more time for hugs,kisses and walk 😭 and feeding treats and tricks....... well guess that would make it even harder to let go knowing when all that would end. My poor Lacie has been acting out of character for herself. She's probably trying to grieve herself and console me with lickng tears from my face only to be in frustration cause her efforts seemingly are in vain. How do you post a picture on this site with your post? Thanks for being here.

Oh all these stories touch a place in me. I know with loosing Ellie when you dozed off is terribly hard to live with. My angel passed away in my arms. It was so difficult as her breathing slowed,then before the last breath she uttered some kind of sound. I pray this was not her conveying pain! I took her to be cremated on July 3 and received her ashes back July 10. Does that help any? I don't know. I yearn for her so badly. I go to her box with her ashes, put my hands around it, and talk, cry, shout out, scream. I thought having her returned would offer comfort and maybe on some level that I can't realize yet, it does. But I'm just not there. I feel lots of guilt, anger,regret, sadness. I try to look for the good and happy and wish with all my soul I could still have that in my life with her. My mind searches for something to trick me, saying this is all a bad dream, I will wake up and things will be like before. I find myself tettering on that fence between reality and fantasy. I so get your struggle and you have other things,your family and kids to also deal with that I don't. I would think they could help you share the pain. Don't try to be stoic,as the man of the house. This loss affects everyone in the family. But I do understand the absence you feel. I wish I had some kind of answer. I too feel the void, the silence. Bedtime is the worst since my 2 dogs sleep in the bed with me.

Hi kayc, Boy, it's amazing we not only are close in age but in the loss of our precious babies. You say Arlie was the hardest, I thought Boskey was the hardest until I lost mama. Boskey was my soul mate, a very special bond like you had with Arlie. My entire world collapsed when I lost her and I never thought the loss of any subsequent dogs after her would be as hard as it was loosing her. But then came mama. I totally believe that when an animal comes into your life,you will know without a doubt if the match is right. I can't explain it, it's just a feeling you can't ignore. When I went to the shelter to get another dog after Boskey, I was mainly looking at similar dogs. Boskey was a small Sheppard mix 35 lbs and looked similar to a wolf, in fact that was what the neighborhood kids called her Wolf , but she was gentle as could be. I never even considered a small breed dog or even gave them the time of day while looking. A friend who took me to the shelter was constantly reprimanding me at every dog I showed an interest in saying *too big too big". Almost at the end of seeing all the dogs we came upon 1 last room. It was a group of 3 chiuaua mix puppies. I don't know if they were related or just grouped together. One was tri color, one all white, and one all med brown. My friend took a liking to the all white one calling whatever the shelter had named her, trying to draw my attention to that one. I looked down saddened that I wasn't going to be able to get a dog the size of my liking. The tri color and white one moved away and began getting interested in something else. The little Brownie one wandered and saw me standing over the doorway. She looked up at me, put her feet up on the door with a look in her eyes. My friend said "what about her"? I pondered her and my friend convinced me to go into a visitation room with the puppy. The kennel person grabbed her up and led us into a private room. I sat on floor with my back on the wall. The little puppy crawled up my body, put her little arms around my neck,and latched on for dear life. As much as I really didn't want such a fragile small dog,there was no denying it,she had chosen me and the feeling inside was definite, I knew without a doubt she was meant for me. And crazily enough months later I seriously wondered if this dog was Boskey reincarnated back to me. The shelter named her Brownie and she was that, head to tail and eyes. She was 5 months old. I considered a name change one of my choosing but then decided she had the right name. I added to it personalizing it to Brownie Girl, which later became Brown brown and mama. Our bond became like cement both in strength and weight. So you can see from day one to her last I feel total emptiness without her. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, mutilated, stomped on, and blown part with ammunition! I sit here crying just thinking about all our times together, the tricks she learned, her cute little behaviors. Most times during winter it would get chilly in the apt. I usually don't have money to run heater or ac in summer. Mama would get cold and in winter burrow under the bed covers all the way down to my feet. It was like having my own little heater keeping my feet toasty warm. When my feet would start to sweat she liked to lick them probably for the salt. Both her and Lacie sleep in bed with me. It was a habit that at night I removed Lacie's collar and Mama's harness for them to be comfortable. Lacie is 35 lbs and too big for my lap, but mama was 14. She was previously around 20 but the diabetes causes her to loose down to 14. In bed at night while I propped up watching TV mama would crawl in my lap,put her paws on my chest and lay there letting me scratch her whole body for as long as my arms could stand. I scratch Lacie too but not just in my lap. Scratching Lacie is nice but it's just not same. Ocassionally I would get sad about Boskey or worry about loosing mama or Lacie. Mama would come up in my lap and shove my glasses up and lick my tears away. Since loosing Mama I get Lacie next to me in bed and she tries her best to console me and lick away the tears, but she's frustrated I can tell. I've cried for so long sometimes she just moves away and stares from a distance in frustration. I've read dogs that have been together do also mourn. I got mama and Lacie both at 5 months. Even if the pain would subside the memories are painful thinking they will never be anymore. My heart mourns for one more touch, one more embrace, one more kiss, one more hug, oh God I feel like I'm going to explode. I want her back so very very badly. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Hi kayc, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have lost your husband to death. Loosing mine was so incredibly hard and he now has another wife and life. When we were married there was a stray I took in originally attempting to find her owner, then meeting up with the pair of guys traveling from Utah to Texas had hit her on the road. Not wanting to leave her there they brought her to Texas. During the trip she revived from the accident unharmed. They couldn't keep her but found a lady to take her and while with her, she escaped from her yard. Never was able to find the lady so I decided to keep her. I named her Gone Again. Had her for 10 years until one day she couldn't get up from the floor. Hysterical I called my husband at work, we took her to vet, he said it was hip dysplasia, we could not afford surgery so my husband had her put to sleep. This was trauma no. 1. Thought I would never get over that. On one of her escapes she got pregnant. Just had 1 puppy. We kept it, her name was Gertie. After putting Gone Again down and having Gertie my husband got another dog from someone at his work. Her name was Boskey. As our marriage declined we separated in 2000. This was trauma 2. I was 46. Having a difficult time with loss of my marriage, my pets were very important to me. I wanted both Boskey and Gertie. He didn't want one of them, but made the decision I couldn't manage 2 in an apt, so I had to choose. I didn't want to but had to. I chose Boskey. Years later he informed me Gertie was diagnosed with liver cancer at 8. He never would tell me if he had her put to sleep or not. This was trauma 3. Boskey and I were inseparable. She went everywhere with me except in the summertime when it was absolutely too hot. We had an unshakable bond. She was my world. At age 6 she was diagnosed with mammary cancer. She passed at age 10. This was trauma 4. I went into a 5 year depression attempting suicide 2 times. I went to the city shelter and rescued a chiuaua mix and another whose breed was unable to be determined. The chiuaua was Brownie but I called her Mama. The other is Lacie. At age 10, again, Brownie was diagnosed with diabetes in March. I was giving her twice a day insulin shots but her sugar wasn't getting controlled enough and in June she passed in my arms. This was trauma 5. Mama was my angel, my everything, my world, as much to me as my Boskey was. I still have the other, Lacie and I wouldn't trade her for anything, but the special bond I had with Mama is not there with her. Lacie and I are working on it, but I can't stop thinking when is she going to get taken from me for not any of my babies have made it past 10 and she's 10. I must stop I'm crying terribly missing Mama.

Hello kayc, You are lucky to have sympathy cards to display, I only have 2. One from the vet clinic that coordinated her cremation, and one from the food bank I go to. The food bank organization has tried to help every way they can. Because of covid all contact has resulted in telephone only communications. One lady I've never met offered her support, but it seemed her words well meaning as they were, kept making me cry more and more. I eventually had to cease chatting with her. At the end her attempts with spiritual support only deepened my confusion and bred anger within me I now see. After that I was then contacted by the chaplain of the organization. This lady is very good and supportive in a different way. After several phone calls which occur once a week I admitted to her my grief and lack of spiritual faith. This was momentous for me, and embarrassing to admit to anyone in a clergy capacity. She is supportive, not preachy, and its not difficult to convey my thoughts and fears. We seem to have a good rapport between us. She is willing to have once a week telephone meetings until I feel I don't need them anymore. I told her I hadn't been to church in 6 weeks, to which she replied it was ok and only return when I feel ready to. I can relate on the loss of your husband too. I was married for 26 years, left the marriage due to supposed infidelity, have been divorced for 18 years, still single presently, and still grieve the loss of him and our marriage. He remarried some 15 years ago and lives in a different city. We still communicate monthly via email. On some level I still love him, have forgiven him, and if he were to return I would take him back no questions asked (almost). Being single is no fun, but at 66 I'm not willing start all over with someone new.

Hello Lexilou, Oh my 49 you are a young on! I'm 66 next month. I want desperately to believe in an afterlife. That would at least give me a bit of "hope" of which I have absolutely zero right now. I also like you, call out her name, almost as if she will hear and come jump into my arms, chair, or bed! Then the silence reminds me of the horrible reality and the sobbing just never stops. I know everyone says it just takes time and it's very individual, but what is the definition or unit of measure of "time"? The human psyche at least for myself doesn't deal with pain very well, at least that's my opinion. I don't like misery, and at the risk of reprimand here, I only wish I could find escape in some fashion. However, life has taught me when one seeks that kind of avenue, reality always returns biting you in the *** twice as hard than what it was at the start. But even knowing this I still find myself wanting SOME solution to the incessant, blinding, never ending pain.

There seem to be so many components to grief. In my past reading I've read there are 5 stages to it. You can move back and forth between them and how long you stay in each varies from person to person. No matter how much I read about psychology and the human mind, it fails me in dealing with my own grief. I can't seem to escape the guilt feelings from loosing my precious angel,whose nickname was Mama. I refused to take the opinion of several vets to have her put to sleep and having made the decision to keep her here makes me second guess if I caused her to suffer. If it did I have to live with that on my conscious for the rest of my years. No one on this earth can answer that question. No amount of prayers will supply me with what I want to know. All the words "you did the best you could" offer NO consolation. So what direction do I go now? My thoughts are so scrambled and intrusive repeating like a broken record going around and around. I am a senior and live alone, I have no family. I have a few friends but they can't help me to the depth I need. I live on a fixed low income so paying for therapy is almost impossible. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. If only I could go backwards in time, would I do anything different? Some are yes's some are no's. It's been said "knowledge is power". Wish I could remember where I saw, heard, or read that statement. I agreed with it for many years. Now another statement comes to mind "ignorance is bliss". In much confusion I'm trying to decide where I fall on that continuium. I once heard a man who is a psychologist say "if we should've, could've, would've ourselves, we will never get ......". Insert whatever word you want. Guess my question is can the cycle be broken without adding to existing guilt? All responses welcome. I better go, I feel another wave of tears about to come.

Hello Lexilou, Thank you so much for your reply. I have been away from this group cause of my pain, and I'm crying as I write this. I'm desperately looking for one on one in person therapy. Please don't think I am disregarding this group cause I'm definitely not! I am trying to use every resource possible. This pain inside has absolutely crippled me. I manage to distract myself during the day with daily stuff but when the day winds down and I crawl into bed, thoughts of my precious engulf me and the tears come nonstop. In my head the words "if I could just have1 more chance to hold her and see with my eyes" keep repeating over and over. The thought I will never see her again is more than I can bear. Most people can't see past "it's only a dog". Those that do offer consolation with rainbow bridge. This only brings more doubt to my mind cause at present I question whether I believe in a spiritual world or afterlife. I consider myself a Christian and have always been a believer, but loosing my precious( I called her Mama) has somehow caused my mind to believe only in what we have on earth and nothing more. So not only am I dealing with the lost of Mama, but the loss of my faith. I haven't been to church for 5 weeks mainly cause being there will cause more grief,doubt, and confusion. I don't feel like I could be in the presence of church members without uncontrollable sobbing.

I just lost my Chihuahua of 10 years a week ago. She passed away in my arms. The pain is worse than being sliced open with a knife! I cry for hours at a time often hysterically. I'm ridden with immense guilt. I'm grasping at straws here desperate for answers! I feel like I'm going insane. I have no desire to go on. 😭