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Sandra-T

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Everything posted by Sandra-T

  1. You know, J, I think my sister is a bit like your brother, hurting in her own way, which is way way different from me, and since Mom lived with her,(Mom had actually bought the place so my sister and jher kids would have a place to live) has already taken over her room, which was a great shock for me to see. It seemed so insulting somehow. We will make it, somehow. Lets just visualize our loved ones in a happy, peaceful, beautiful place, with no one to hurt them or make them sad or sick. I am working hard at that every day. Hugs Sandra
  2. LoriKelly, Hey girl, hang on, take ALL THE MEDS THEY WILL GIVE YOU, is my theory. I think you should be allowed to grieve and not have to participate in events you don't want to. The pressure of all that and the holidays in general is just making you have more attacks. Don't feel bad about taking anything that will help. Mine helps. Not so much that I don't feel horrible, but keep me from meltdowns most of the time, and obsessing less on the end, which was real bad at first. Please take care of yourself, Hugs Sandra
  3. Jonquil, just want to express my condolences, this is so hard for everyone. One thing about visiting here, we can see we are not alone in our feelings. Your Mom was so young. I lost my Gram 4 years ago, and expected Mom to have many more, but not to be. I hate this which I've seen much of here, you barely hear there is a diagnosis, and weeks later you are sitting in a stupor saying "what the hell happened?" Its crazy. Holidays are useless to me, have been for years, but I keep it up for kids, etc. Once my Gram was gone, it changed things, and now with Mom gone it will be so much worse. I want to get in bed and stay there, and have been doing a lot of that actually. I am lucky my husband works enough for both of us(barely) so I can take time off. But the grandchildren give me no time off, they are with me every weekend. I try to keep up a good attitude for them, but its very hard. You are blessed to still have your Gram, and take good care of her on the holiday, apparently stuff happens so suddenly, we just don't know. I wish so much I had done more for my Moms last birthday, but who knew?? Well we have to gather round the Christmas spirit somehow. Beats me how. I can't wait till its over. Hugs, and hang in there. Its just beem 2 weeks for me, so I know just where you are at,. Sandra
  4. Trudy, I also feel this same way about the holidays. I have 3 granddaughters though, and I am forced to go through with some Xmas stuff, for them. I can't believe that there could even be a Christmas without Mom, she was such an integral part, and other than the little ones, cared the most for the holidays of anyone I know. I could not even believe myself shopping today without getting her something. This is all too horrible. Her death was predicted but went faster than planned and left us all floundering. I thought we would have her this last Christmas. It hurts, in every possible way. I'm sorry for your loss, and Lets all wish eachother a good January 2. Sandra
  5. HI all, I just want to say sometimes I try to reply to your post, and it ends up on your original post at the bottom, or in a new post with your post included, or on its own like it should be. Don't know what I am doing wrong, but sorry if it is confusing to anyone. I am so rattled internally at this time, I must be doing something wrong. Talk about confusing behaviors. The not wanting to leave the house is huge with me, and I don't really want anyone to come in either. I hope all that goes away soon. Hug to everyone who needs one Sandra
  6. Hang in there Blackie, I guess it takes time, and perspective. I don't want to make small talk or pretend to be happy, or do much of anything either. From the looks of this forum, we are all in a similar place. I guess it gets better with time, but of course it doesn't go away. Just the major pain gets better, the sadness lingers. Thats ok though, cause we can then remember the love, and not just the horror of the end. At least I hope that to be so, and all my faith and studies tell me, that at some point, I can make it through the day with out crying. I lost my Grandma in 02 and I thought that would not get better, but it did, although I still have moments of extreme sadness. Overall, I can think of it more peacefully. Then again she was much older than Mom. Mom went too soon. As I am sure yours did also,. I can only hope it is prewritten somehow and supposed to be this way, and we will know why somehow, someday. Take care Sandra
  7. Hi Michael, I'm back, to see how you are holding up. I know its a long road for all of us. I don't think for a minute that you rushed your Moms death by giving her the meds. You just wanted her to not have pain or fear, and that helped. She was going to go at the designated time, regardless. You know this, and I agree, its the brain and heart fighting for the same place, and always in conflict in these situations. There is no way we can feel happy about any of this. I still feel horrible too, about so many things, but the shocked part is a little better. I agree with you its a blessing that you did not have children considering the possible genetic problem. So hey ,look at that, you did the right thing without even knowing at the time. You have a good strong inner strength and faith, and I believe you will let this guilt go soon. I Hope you are able to get those medical records of your Dads also, it would certainly be helpful. Yeah, day at a time is all we can do, and I hope you find a way to enjoy some of yours. I am not able to at all right now, but I hope that passes. I don't want to waste what limited time there is on sitting in a stupor in my house. I'm glad if talking here helped you sleep. I am sleeping only with mucho meds, and still not much. Things just seem too hard sometimes. But you seem like a strong guy, it wasn't easy doing all that cretaking, and you did it, so you can make it through this time too. (and as an aside, please stop smoking...) Peaceful thoughts.. Sandra
  8. Lori, I just read your reply to Michael, and then looked to read this. I exactly have the same feeling, I do NOT want to leave the house, not at all, not even for something I would enjoy. I hate being around people, crowds especially. I have no idea how I am going to Christmas shop for the rets of the family. This happened even before my Moms illness, but has gotten worse daily since. I know the nausea and upset stomach all the time, and the insomnia, and you want to sleep so bad and can't. Its all there, I guess I am not alone, and if I got that much from coming to this forum, it has helped me. I am sorry you are having such a tough time with guilt also. I feel bad cause I was mad at my Mom this summer and didn't see her for a month. (This was before we knew she was sick) She was not always easy..but I wasted time, and though I don't think she knew I was so upset, she obviously must have noticed I didn't come around as much. Its something you get stuck with later, when you would give anything to take the time back, and be more understanding, more available, etc. I think every single person in our situation feels some guilt about something.. Maybe its because we are all only human, and cannot be perfect. I pray that our families are in a beautiful happy place now, and that we can think of them that way, and not as we saw them last. Take care Sandra
  9. MIchael, I don't think you did anything bad to your Mom, there should not be any karmic repercussions. You were awesome, from what you said, taking her places, devotedly caring for her. Nothing more can be asked. If your alternative therapies did not work, its because it was pre written somehow that she was to live this disease and to go away from this world as a result of it. Nothing you did caused that. Please, I hate to hear you have that guilt. I have my own, as I said, but its sure not anything you need to haunt you..What an awful thing to hear about your Dad. I was also not close with my Dad, who had abandoned my Mom before I was born also. He died 2 years ago. I was sad but not like this. I'm sorry that you heard he had that medical condition, that must be frightening for you to hear, on top of everything else. Listen to your girlfriend, she is right, you are making yourself feel bad when all you did was good. Take care of yourself. And thanks for the advice on the lupus. Sandra
  10. Michael, My Mom died December first. I relate to much of your story. I'm sorry you had such a rough time, and please, if you can find it in your heart to realize this, you have nothing to be guilty for. You sound like the most amazing son. I know that no one will care so much for me as you did for your Mom, when I am sick and dying. I too believe in holistic and alternative therapies, we were not wealthy enough for me to really try some serious things, but I did get some herbal treatments, and such, which did not, sadly help. She had already refused all regular treatment anyway, so nothing lost by trying. It seems as though your Mom had time to see some sights that meant a lot to her, and that you helped her do that. Be proud of yourself. On the other hand, I know what you mean, I wish Christmas would go away and leave me alone this year, and maybe forever. It will be too sad a time. I have guilt too, and I think everyone does, though I can't see any way you should have it for yourself. I know I could have spent more time with my Mom after diagnosis, but have Lupus myself, and never feel well. As soon as she started feeling really ill, however, I made sure she was never alone. It took a very sudden turn for us, from diagnosis to the end, 7 weeks. Its horrible and shocking, and I agree the worst thing I have ever been through, seeing our Moms die. I hope I am allowed to die before I ever see someone I love again in that condition. I just lost my Gram 4 years ago, so we expected Mom to have many more years, but was not to be, I guess. Its hard to accept. I too have spiritual beliefs slightly off the mainstream, and I do believe there is another side to death, and that they live in a happier place where they thrive, and no longer feel the awfulness that we do. To them the trauma is over. I also believe if you did give your Mom too much meds, its ok. She needed to be without pain, and you helped that happen, and you should be happy with yourself for it. I am so grateful to hospice, who we never even called in, until about 3 days before death,as things changed so suddenly, we just were unprepared. Please take care, and write to astareae@metrocast.net if you feel the need to talk to someone. Sandra
  11. Jeff, I do know what you feel, My Mom died rather suddenly(we had about 7 weeks to know she was sick with cancer), and I have guilt that I didn't see her more. At first she didn't want or need anyone around, but I still wish I had gone over more. As she became much more ill quickly, I was with her a lot more. But I still feel bad about the missed time. It seems that no matter what anyone does, when a loved one dies we wish we had done more, or not done something, etc. I believe that is a normal thing, seems pretty common to most emotional people anyway. I am sorry for your loss. Mine was a week ago today, and it is still like I am walking in a fog. Good luck and take care Sandra
  12. I don't know what to say to all of you except thanks for understanding, and it helps to know others have the same feelings, that I thought were totally off the wall. LIke having images stuck in your head, and feeling out of it, and feeling scared about my own health. What a hard time for everyone. I know its normal to lose a parent, but it seems always too soon, and too awful. Anyway, you all have helped me. Sandra
  13. Thanks Libby, I don't know if I am using this board right, but anyway..I am sorry for your loss, and sorry to hear it is still bothering you so much. Its a horrible thing to witness, and makes you feel so helpless, and also scared. Sandra
  14. Hi, I hope you are doing ok. I was never close with my Dad, and when I lost my Grandpa it was shattering. It was long ago, but it still hurts, Then 4 years ago my Gram,(also very close to her) then my Dad, and this week my Mom. I feel alone. I have a sister I don't get on with that well, a daughter who is very difficult(adult), and 3 little granddaughters who I feel need me, or I would have nothing left to go on with. I have a decent husband, but he doesn't know what to say or do to help. I don't even know either, so how can he. He is younger than me and has never lost anyone. I have been on antidepressants for ahwile now, due to my daughters bad behaviors, and worries over the little ones, so now when I need an extra boost, I have no where to turn. I agree with what someone said, they do not take away the pain or sadness, they just keep you somewhat from feeling hysterical, which sometimes is really helpful. Oh, I notice I am getting less friend contact also. I have one good friend, which I am grateful for, who went through almost the exact scenario last year with her Mom. So we talk and it helps some. But nothing can really help. Time, eases it a little, but only a little. Its just something that becomes part of your life, you have no more real "family", from the older generation. It seems unfathomable soemtimes. I feel like I will probably rarely if ever see the other "half" of the family, ,my sister and nieces, again. There seems no reason, now that Mom is gone. We kind of kept up the family beahvior for her, and now she isn't there to care. Its all so bewildering. I thought I was used to grief by now, it seems to be getting way too frequent, but it was the worst this time, as I was there when she died, and the image is stuck in my head, and it won't go out and let me sleep, or even think straight. Hopefully it was some comfort to her, cause it sure messed me up! Take care. Sandra
  15. Hi, this is all so hard, isn't it? I just lost Mom December 1, and I am still in shock. Are you any bit better after a month? Its like I am in a fog, can barely drive, actually not even walk straight. It was a sudden illness, of 7 weeks, which was mild and then suddenly severe within a month. She didn't have time to get her power of attorney in place or anything.One day she could talk and plan, and the next not move almost. Very disturbing, and I'm sure everyone here has had similar horrible experiences. Its all a mess. My sister who is cold and unemotional, and I are now trying to get things released to us that she wants us to have, (small things), but the red tape is nuts. I can't even deal. I too felt like I want to clean out my house,(and feel horrified of the htought of everyone going through my personal effects) but I can't, since I am the family historian of sorts, and have lots of memorabilia, pictures, etc. from my Grandparents, and now Mom. Its crazy, and horrifying, the way these things happen. I feel all the things everyone does I guess, which is comforting in a way. Guilt is there, cause I had a disagreement with her in the summer, not big, but I felt a bad attutude for a few months, which wasted time that could have been better. But of course you never know what is coming until it happens. One thing that helped me with each loss over the past few years, has been to make a photo album of their life, and I was actually doing it for every family member anyway, but once they die, it seems urgent to me to complete. It did help with my Grandmother who I was the closest to, other than Mom. Well good luck to you, and I know how you feel, believe me. Sandra
  16. Hi I am new here, sadly there is a reason, of course. My Mom had a very sudden illness, that eneded far sooner than we expected, and I was with her at the time. Does anyone else have a hard time getting that image out of their head? I can't believe I watched my Mom die. She was only 76, and in good health but for arthritis, until this cancer. She went from ok to kind of bad to dead in 7 weeks. Seems impossible to me. I don't know what to do. I know there is really nothing, and I am still grieving my Grandma,(2002), and my Dad (2003) Oh, and a precious kitty this May. Enough already. I know this is selfish, but I feel kind of like I am next and it could be all of a sudden. Just cause I am now the oldest in my family. Its a creepy feeling. So many things jumbled up inside, and not knowing what to do about them. Anyone have a minute to give me ideas? I read, talk to Mom and Gram, and try to think that she is better off now than when she couldn't breathe without stress. But it is so horrible, it just seems impossible. My Mom was the heart of our family, and its like the whole thing is broken now. We are not so close, the rest of us, except me and my little granddaughters. I don't want to be the old one. I know that is a selfish thought. I still feel it.I am also feeling clumsy, unable to function quite normally. Is that a common problem? I read a few other posts and it seems it is. But how do you ever get past this? I do have a cousnelor, and already take an antidepressant, so not much else she can do for me. I am reaching out for anything anyone has to offer. Thanks so much Sandra
  17. Hi, I underatnd your feeling, my Mom just died last Friday. I still can't get used to it. She was only 76. My grandmother passed 4 years ago, and I hadn't even gotten to come to terms with that yet. We all thought my Mom would live to be much older. She got a bad diagnosis late September, and she had been fine till then. She made it through Thanksgiving, and never got out of bed again. Its horrible. I am here trying to find some reason for this hell we are going through. I try to find some faith in her maybe being in a better place, but its so hard to know for sure, for me. I am at a loss all the time, so I have no advice, just to let you know you are not alone. Sandra
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