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Kevin, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I lost a brother (age7) from a car accident. The whole family was stunned and in shock for a long time. I was 11 at the time and I recall going through the motions of living....it too a long long time for the searing pain to abate somewhat and to be a bit more bearable. In my family we never spoke openly about how we felt- my mom was rather stoic, kept it bottled inside. My Dad buried himself in work. I wish we could have talked, could have shared. It would’ve eased the sense of isolation and lifted the heaviness somewhat. Instead I ended up truly dealing with it in therapy 20 years later. Which came as a surprise to me... I had no idea I had so much unfinished grieving to do.... So it’s good you’re connecting here, I think. I send you my heartfelt support and lots of courage to navigate the days ahead with your family.

Sandi, I am so very sorry for your loss and the very very tragic circumstances around your Mom’s passing. While I lost my mom in March and am dealing with my grief over it know that.... When I was 10 I lost my younger brother (he was 7) who was hit by a car in front of our home. He died that day in ICU. They had to let him go b/c there was too much brain damage....I was devastated. (And I’m crying as I write this...you never forget...)... I think the whole family went numb. I remember it as going through the motions of living for such a long long time....the ache was beyond words awful. There was an inquest, but I was too young to know much about that and my parents didn’t talk about it much. It must’ve been very difficult, though. He was hit by a speeding car.... My parents were devout Catholics and stayed together through this....faith helped in that the rituals brought some consolation. But why did this happen? I never questioned it b/c it just hit me then as a very hard reality of life. But I can see why you’d question a lot, especially when your mom’s death seems so preventable. I do believe, like you, that she is in a better place. It’s the living here that is achingly difficult....there’s lots to process...and need for lots of self-care....lots of it...I work on that, every day....I’ve joined a virtual bereavement support group in my area and that’s really helped....I also have a therapist...loss has been part of my family in so many ways, I keep learning more and more about that...I hope you can find some additional sources of support to help you through this....so you’re not so alone.... As Kay and Marty say, keep coming back here for support. We can hold hope for you when things seem dark and hopeless.

Hi Sparks, me again. A few more thoughts about antidepressants. They have their role, for sure, but my experience in trying to get off them over the years was really bumpy. I tried three times, slowly tapering, and couldn’t. Finally I got to a point where I was at the lowest dose that seemed to work the best without blunting my emotions. Because of my complicated hormonal profile it took a while (several years) to get my hormone levels (thyroid included) all where they should be. But I still wondered about tapering the antidepressant to zero. The MD who checks and balances my hormones said : ´If you’re going to taper off them, do it in the late winter early spring, not later in the year’. Something to do with the amount of light and how that affects mood for those of us living in North America. That was a new and useful piece of information. No one ever mentioned that to me before. I’m sharing this not to give any medical advice as that’s not what this website is about, and I have zero qualifications for that, but just to encourage you to persevere. Take everything as learning, even the frustration when your body seems to betray you, so that over time you will really know yourself well and what works for you. And in the process, who knows, you may find the old you, again.

Hi Sparks, I’m in my early 60’s, my mum passed away 5 months ago and my dad 7 years ago. I had a really hard time after dad died. I felt raw for a long time, and in my case, also felt very alone with my grief in the family because dad had been the person I was closest to, the one person in my family I could easily be with. It took a long time before the grief started to recede and feel less painful. We lost my mother in law three years after dad died and that was tough as I felt close to her. None of this is easy. It sounds like you are trying to do your best, and I would say from my experience don’t push too hard-a lot of learning to cope is trial and error. Have you had things checked medically? Is your thyroid balanced? In my case my thyroid meds needed adjusting as the stress threw things off. I had the opposite issue : losing too much weight from the stress -lucky me! You may wish to trade places with me ;-)) But that was how my body responded. And I had poor sleep for a long time. I found restorative yoga helpful. I had been on antidepressants after a traumatic event 16 years ago and though they helped I found they kind off blunted my emotions too much and for a time caused weight gain. I managed to get the dose reduced to as little as possible (and then lost too much coz my thyroid was off...it’s complicated!). I’m off antidepressants now (it was tricky but I have a Dr that is good about balancing hormones and that’s what made the difference for me, in the end). I don’t have an answer for you around brain fog, though I had what I call « bereavement brain » in the months after dad died and to a certain extent after mum did too. I had a hard time keeping track of things and was easily irritated over nothing. Eventually it settled. I’m sorry that you are having a more prolonged bout of it, that would indeed make you wonder if you’ll ever get back to normal.... If anything, what I’ve learned is it’s important to keep working on self-care, small steps at a time. Grief doesn’t go away, it changes, sometimes it recedes, then comes back when we’re triggered...and loss triggers other issues as well. I’ve been in therapy on and off as my losses uncovered deeper family issues that I wanted to understand better and deal with. I’m still working on those. I dunno if any of this is helpful, but I hope some of it is. Our bodies are complicated and it can be so frustrating when things get out of whack. Loss is a big disruptor.... in many ways.

Dear Rachel, First let me say that I am very sorry for the loss of your mother, and the losses associated with that. You do have a lot on your plate - the heaviness of it all comes through in your post. I went through a really hard time 3 months after my mom died this past March (she had mixed dementia which included vascular) and I found it so very hard to get through each day. I am really touched by the fact you were your mom’s full time caregiver. That’s huge! So much of you went into that, it’s really significant. I know I grieved losing bits of mom along the way as she deteriorated- but there were also some special moments. All that may be lost right now in the deluge of grief right but it is there... I coped at the 3 month mark and beyond by doing small things each day to take care of myself- walks, coloring, eating simple but nourishing food, writing, talking with those around me who understand. Joining a virtual support group was really helpful. I found I had a really low frustration tolerance- I’d blow up over trivial issues, which is most unlike my usual patient self. I just couldn’t handle much. I tried to focus on the essentials (getting bills paid, medical appointments), and no more than that. I also couldn’t handle listening to any news, I put on soothing music instead. I hope this can help you a bit, along with what Kay and Marty have posted. It’s such a painful time, with everything feeling so raw. Take it slowly, as gently as you can....

Jackie, hang in there...take it a day, an hour at a time...even if you think you can’t...just a minute at a time... I am sorry for your loss. I was gutted when my Dad died...he was my best friend in the family...still miss him, seven years later... I enrolled in a closed bereavement support group 6 months after he died and that really helped...My emotions were less all over the place after that... I come from a family that has been marked by loss and complicated grief....took me a long time to realize that... I may not be finished dealing with all the layers, but for now I just take things a day at a time, can’t plan ahead much, I try to make sure the necessary stuff gets done...each day...no more than that.... Hope this helps...sending you courage....

Thanks Kay. Mum loved flowers and gardens so this book’s illustrations make me think of her, in a good way. I’m sorry to hear that numbness in your hand gets in the way of coloring-and, likely other things as well...not an easy adjustment for you, I presume.

Thank you, Kay. I ordered one of the books listed in the book section of this website- The Color of Loss and Healing - and started coloring today. It is helping. I like that I can do a bit whenever I want, however I want. Today is the 4 month anniversary of mum’s passing...I went for an early morning walk (couldn’t sleep) and spent some time quietly by water, thinking of her. Sometimes I get a wave of « this all feels unreal »...and then it passes. I miss her.

This topic is so pertinent for me. Mum passed away almost four months ago....Right when the lockdown began...so a lot of time was spent afterwards dealing with all the closures and changes to everyday life...ugh...grocery shopping took on a whole new perspective...and Mum’s death meant we could finally settle Dad’s estate and that became very very difficult due to sibling conflict. Looking back I see some of those things were distractions from mourning...but in the last few weeks I’ve been feeling so raw... I have reached out, I have a therapist and access to occasional virtual bereavement support...and good friends...but last week I had such dark dark days.... I rested a lot...huge urge to sleep in the afternoons...I didn’t fight that...let my body rest....I have a boyfriend but he has tons on his plate so not very available...And along with the surge of emotions (tears are not far from the surface...it’s like my membranes are super-thin...translucent...) is that we will have a private indoor funeral next month...I have concerns about keeping myself safe (I have an underlying health condition) so brainstorming ideas with friends about how to manage my attendance at the event....it’s hard with the pandemic adding a layer of anxiety...along with missing Mum so much...Dad died seven years ago and we had the funeral within 2 weeks of his passing and yes it was still shock so I didn’t have many tears then...but we had to wait for the ground to thaw to bury him so four months later at the burial I couldn’t stop crying...a cousin said with irritation « why the tears? He is in such a good place »....and I thought « you have no idea, do you? »...anyway it’s good to have what I’m going through validated here...my therapist said to do lots of self-care... I try to go for a walk every day....and just do what I can each day, not more. Thanks for listening....