MamasGirl59

Thank you. I’m very sorry about your daughter’s situation and happy she has you to lean on! My mom’s funeral was on Friday. It was really hard. Then it snowed these past couple of days and something about the seasons changing made me really sad. My mom would have been so excited for this snow, wish she could have seen it! I thought I would do ok during the holidays because I get to do them for my baby now, but I fell apart when it started snowing, so guess that’s not going to happen! I think I may have been grieving my mother longer than I realized, before I even knew anything was wrong. She had changed, slept a lot and never wrote me back or answered my calls, which was highly unlike her. I thought she was just depressed because of Covid... not knowing her body was starting to fail her. Maybe I’m handling this ok because I have a son now and I know I have to be happy for him, or maybe it’s because I know I’m next in line to die, and I want to make the most of my life while I’m here. Watching her die was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I’m sure I have many bad days ahead, but right now I think I’m doing ok. I hope you are as well. I read somewhere else your hand(s) were hurting you. I hope you are able to get some relief for them soon! Ashley

@Kieron I wish I could delegate some stuff, but it’s all personal things. I do have people pitching in and taking over stuff with the funeral so that is helpful. If anyone told me last year, that this was going to be my life this year, I never would have believed it. I no longer look forward to the future, because I realize it will never turn out anything close to what I expected! @kayc I’m trying real hard to stay in the moment and just get through the day, but a lot of stuff takes some planning and preparation, so I constantly have to be doing things for the next day or the next week. My aunt is in New York and has MS, so even if it weren’t for Covid, it’s very difficult for her to travel. I know what you mean about doing the basics, I call it survival mode 🙃 and its how I’ve been living for the past several months. Thank you for your prayers ❤️

It’s going to be 4 weeks tomorrow since my mom passed. The funeral is on Friday. Small funeral because of COVID. I have had to do so much with her estate, it’s overwhelming.. and while trying to be a first time mom to my now 4 month old. And now I’m sick... I’m sure from stress and not taking care of myself. I don’t have time to take care of myself, I know that’s what you’re supposed to do, but literally I have no time. And I started work again and my marriage is on the brink of ending and I’m planning a funeral for the most important person in my life. I just don’t see the point in anything anymore. I don’t want to take my life but I certainly don’t want the life I’ve been dealt either. I’m so very alone now. I have people who want to help and be here and what not but there is nothing they can do and they usually make me feel worse. I feel her so much. I don’t want time to keep going because I’m afraid I won’t feel her as strongly as I do now. I’m so overwhelmed and over everything anymore, I just don’t know what to do. i just want to quit. I just want to lay in bed for days on end with no responsibilities.

I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your child 💔. Your mother knows what’s in your heart, I believe that. Death has been a constant in my life, and it may take the people I love, but I know it can never ever take the love I shared with those people. Death doesn’t get to take that from us. I don’t believe we will ever be over it, nor do I want to be “over it” nor do I think anyone should ever tell us to get over it! Thank you for your kind words and support, I am thankful for it.

@Southern Girl I lost my father 16 years ago when I was just 16, and recently just lost my mother 😕 I still miss him and love him so much and the recent loss of my mother brought all those sad feelings back to the surface 💔 None of my friends have even lost a parent yet, so it’s hard for anyone to relate... and I’m only 32. I know from experience the pain softens but is still there. Thank you for sharing your story of hope, I needed it! ❤️

@Jenn562 I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother and grandmother ❤️ I’ve lost my grandmother too (both of them). My mom was also my very best friend and I know the pain. The way it’s looking, I can’t imagine writing thank you notes anytime soon. I’m so overwhelmed with everything and still very early in trying to make sense of life without her. We will get to them some day right? Until then I hope we can find some sort of healing ❤️ Your reply helped, thank you!

@RoseSher98 I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I too just lost my mother 3 weeks ago, also from cirrhosis. It was horrible to watch, as I saw my lively, full of life mother dwindle down to almost nothing. It broke my heart. I am also still in shock. I think the depression of COVID also played a part and I’m angry that I wasn’t around my mother more because I feel I could have pushed her to get help sooner. I live 5 minutes from her house but because I just had a baby, we were trying to keep both her and the baby safe. So many what ifs. I know I can’t live in the land of what ifs or it would drive me crazy and would not benefit anyone. I can’t change what happened. My husband has been a big help to me, but changes the subject anytime I talk about it. I’ve had a lot of friends say some insensitive things, and while I don’t think they have ill intentions, I sometimes wonder where common sense is! I already can feel people getting tired of me talking about how broken I am. There is nothing they can say to make it better. I’m in the same boat as you, you’re not alone! Just reading other people’s stories here has helped me a little. I’ve learned that I need to feel what I’m feeling, whenever I feel it, and know that it’s normal. I seem to hide my feelings when I’m around people, and am able to grieve when I am alone. I hope you give yourself the same space to do that. It helps a little. Know that you are not alone and I hope you find some comfort and peace in that.

I know, I guess I just miss that comforting feeling only a mother or father can give 😕❤️

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the different perspectives. That post was off topic from my first about my MIL. I thought I had read a few threads about how it can be difficult being in/maintaining a relationship after a loss and grieving. I’m so sad all the time and I feel empty and broken. He tries to be supportive sometimes but isn’t very good with these kinds of things, and just changes the subject, so it makes me feel even more alone. 💔

@MartyT & @kayc I have been searching the site for info/threads about relationship problems after a loss and during grieving. I know I have seen it discussed here before but my search attempts didn’t find what I needed. I feel like I have nothing left to give to my relationship right now and a lot of anger is coming up as well. This anger was there prior to the grief but now feels stronger 😔 Any help or direction is appreciated.

@Kieron I am pretty good at making I statements, but in this case I have just been saying “your mother/family hurt my feelings by doing this”. Maybe that is phrased wrong, but it’s the truth! I know he loves his mother and family very deeply, which was one of the things that drew me to him! I just didn’t realize she/they had absolute control over him and that he can never stand up to her or that she can say or do no wrong. There are plenty of times I had to stand up to my mother, and I did! She didn’t love me any less nor I her, but I didn’t fear my mom like he fears his mom. I feel like he thinks if he stands up to her, she won’t love him anymore. It’s weird! Any who, thank you for the advice. I will try to phrase things less attacking. I can’t believe I even have to waste my already depleted energy on this kind of stuff, during this time 😔 @kayc I started reading a free sample so maybe I will. I feel I am capable of setting boundaries, it’s my husband not so much... It’s when I try to set boundaries and explain why, that it blows up in my face and turns into a fight. Maybe I can get him to read the book! 🙃

@kayc thank you so much for the reply. I have read your story many times and my heart goes out to you. It’s a hard thing to watch someone you love slip away from this earth 💔 I think my emotions are getting the best of me. She would never harm him, I just don’t have a good relationship with her. I know I can’t keep my son from her just because I think she is a crappy person. She has absolute control over my husband and it just sucks, especially now. I feel like it’s me vs them, and my husband isn’t on my side. That’s a lonely feeling especially after just losing my mother! You are a strong woman, and I appreciate your advice and kind words. I wish you well also and hope things look up for the both of us!

I just lost my mother a week and two days ago. Best friend, best woman, had her flaws, but so extremely caring and selfless for her family (Including my husband). She spoiled him, loved him so much and treated him like her own. My relationship with his family, specifically his mother, has been rocky since our wedding and I saw her manipulative/controlling ways come out. I also found out how much control she had over my husband. We almost didn’t get married because of it. I had anger towards her before I found out my mother was dying, and now I feel it’s worse. She almost ruined my wedding. She didn’t show up for the after party the next day when my mom went and got a ton of food for a party. She didn’t reach out to me until a month after my son was born to see how I was doing. She didn’t reach out to me when she found out my mom was coming home on hospice and finally text me on the day she died. I was hurt each time and told my husband, to which he would reply that he is not his mother and can’t control what she does. Didn’t care that she hurt my feelings. But when I say anything towards his mother, he gets super defensive and it turns into a fight 😔 She is very self-centered kind of woman, million selfies of herself on social media and how “blessed” her life is. Never helped my husband and I out like my mom did. Very shallow. Looks are everything to that woman. My mom was the opposite. So I’ve already had ill feelings towards his mom, and I feel they are being amplified now that my mom is not here. Especially because she keeps wanting to see the baby. Now is not the time or place for you to be coming to see my son. I’m grieving and you want to come to the house you were too good to come to last year and see my baby. It’s not the time or the place. It’s putting a great strain on my husband and I’s relationship.... but it hurts me his mom can be hurtful towards me and I have to just be ok with it. I’m not. And I don’t want her to have my son. She doesn’t deserve to be with him in my eyes... but I know this hurts my husband. Why does she get to be so hurtful and selfish and now I’m supposed to surrender my son to her? It hurts worse now that my mom isn’t here. I don’t want to see her with my son, doing what my mom would have done better. She doesn’t deserve to be with him when she’s done nothing but treat me and my mother poorly.

Thank you all. I tried to google the right etiquette, but wanted to get advice from those who truly understand. I think I know in my heart, that my mother would have made me send thank you notes (she was big on that). I will have to do them when I’m ready though, whenever that may be and maybe I never will be, but I will try. I can’t imagine doing them anytime soon, so I will give myself time.

I wasn’t sure where to put this... Am I supposed to send thank you notes out for condolence cards, food, flowers and other stuff? It hasn’t even been a week since my mom passed away and I’m still at the very beginning of grieving (pretty much shock and depression). I also have a newborn... I don’t know if can find the energy to sit down and write thank you notes. It takes me all the energy just to get out of bed in the morning and be a new mom. On top of that I’m still extremely sad... but I don’t want to seem rude or ungrateful. This is an example of something I would ask my mom 😔