Missy1965

Thank you enna.

Happy Hump Day! I want to share something with my friends on here in hopes my experience may help someone else. 13 months ago my world shattered all around me with the death of my fiancé who was also my best friend. I felt hopeless, helpless and lost, like a satellite knocked out of its orbit. I stopped caring. I just...stopped. I was angry for months, screaming at God at the top of my lungs, wondering how He had the nerve to rob me of the only man who ever made me feel beautiful, like I was worth something, like I hadn't felt in many years. Then one day as I was crying out to God, asking "Why? Why me? Why us?" He gently spoke to my heart and said "Wrong questions." It hit me like a brick wall. What I should've asked all along was "What now?" It was then and there that I made up my mind to honor Brian by not wasting a single moment of what we had together, being happy again and living the life I know he would want me to live. When I look back on that day, July 22nd, 2020, watching Brian take his last breath, wondering how I could possibly go on, I see how very far God has brought me. I am happy again, living again and have hope again. My prayer is that this simple testimony of God's never failing love for us will speak to another heart that feels like it can't go on. I promise you, God will bring you through better and stronger than ever. He did it for me, and is still doing it. Yes I have days when the smallest triggers break me, but I work through them, knowing Brian is smiling down on me and I know he is so proud of me.

I keep reliving the last days and all it does is cause more pain. He fought so hard and he never got angry. He even made jokes, trying to cheer me up because that's how he was. He and I both had been given hope he would recover. Only when hospice was recommended the day before he passed did I realize he wasn't going to make it out of the hospital. I don't think he ever knew he wouldn't. My heart aches for what he went through. It was the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to witness.

There is just something about late afternoons the tears just start flowing and the memories flood in. I guess it's because of the realization that my routine has drastically changed, and I now have to adjust to a "new normal" without him. I don't like it one bit 😪

Thank you James. I only had 3 & 1/2 years with Brian, but we truly loved each other unconditionally. He often said I made him happier than he had ever been, so I want to do my best to make sure his love and happiness weren't wasted. It's very hard right now to smile or laugh. In fact, I cry as I type, but he loved me so very much, and I him, so I want to try my best to honor him the best way I know how, and that is to live and make him proud. We had many plans together, but God had different plans and called him home. I don't know the purpose for the pain, but I trust there IS one. In the meantime, I conrinue to grieve and love him deeply as I wait on God to reveal His plan for me or call me Home. Whichever comes first. There's something about this time of day that the tears start flowing, and "he should be with me" and "this isn't fair" and "this is not how it was supposed to end" starts going through my head. I've often said God made a mistake, but deep down I know better. He sees what we don't and is sovereign and merciful. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It's going to take a lot of time.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. The last two days haven't been quite as bad, but I still cry. I have thought many times about just giving up, going through the motions and "existing" until it's my turn to join him, but he truly loved me so much and did so much for me, I feel like if I was to just give up and exist, all that love and all that care he poured out on me every single day would be wasted, and it wouldn't be the way to honor him. He spoiled me rotten and he made friends everywhere we went. How could I just give up, go through the motions of living, just getting by, knowing he would want me to live as fully as I can and be as happy as I can without him. Right now it doesn't seem possible to ever be that happy again, but for him, I will give it my best. I know that's what he would want. There are and will be bad days and worst days I know, but I have to try for him. I will ride the waves as they come, cry as much as I need to, grieve in my own way and time, and stop letting others put pressure on me as to how long I should grieve or not grieve. He is and always will be with me and in my heart. I'll never "move on", but I will do my best for him to "move forward", live, and hopefully someday, thrive again.

There's no way I can't cry. Reality is sinking in and it feels like I'm starting all over from the day he went into the hospital, then passed away a week later. I find myself reliving those days and it's so hard. Some people say it's "not normal" to still be crying everyday. They say I should be "moving forward with life" and tuck him away in my heart. What they don't understand is that he was the center of my world and my best friend. His absence has hit me very hard. I cry now as I type this out. I miss him so very much and I need time.

I'm so tired of crying every single day and night. It's miserable and exhausting, and doesn't change a thing.

The tears just won't stop. It doesn't matter how much I'm distracted. My mind is constantly on him. Even working. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss him. He truly was my best friend. I don't know how much longer I will cry and be miserable every single day and night. I just want my life back. I want to smile and be happy again. Right now it doesn't seem possible. I had this thought in my head that surely at 6 months, I would be coping better.

And it's just not the same. I have a lot to be thankful for, but this is not a happy birthday. To top it off, next Tuesday would've been our 4th anniversary. I'm not trying to be ungrateful for all I'm blessed with. I'm just extra heart broken today and the tears will not stop.

I do have a coworker checking my work. It just worries me that someone will see tears rolling down my face while I work and tell my supervisor I can't function. I walk outside and take a short break when a bigger wave hits, but I've been stabbed in the back in the past by a coworker who I considered my best friend. I ended up losing my job of 4 years due to lies she told on me. My supervisor is very sympathetic. Her best friend's fiance' was killed a couple of weeks ago so she knows from that experience with her friend, what I am going through. I know this is going to take time. One of my office mates son was killed 9 years ago, so she is sympathetic as well. She said don't worry about crying when I need to, and that I will adjust in time. Just do my job, and don't let the grief consume me at work to the point of being terminated. There is already a huge turnover in that office and that is not a good thing. Btw, I'm a Medicare/Medicaid reimbursement nurse.

Thank you James. I know I'll cry all the way home and when I get home. Life doesn't feel "normal" without him. I feel so helpless because I can't touch him or see him. I was getting better but now I've gone completely backwards. All the progress I made...gone. I miss my best friend 😢

And oh my gosh...Tuesday I felt like I ran into a brick wall face first. It hit me really hard that Brian won't be waiting for me when I get home everyday, we won't be spending time together in the mornings or evenings, I can't call him or text him during the day and vice versa, I can't call him to let him know I'm on my way home. So many things hit me all at once and I lost it. I feel like I have started back at day one when the nightmare began, and to compound all of that, I have PTS from before and during his hospital stay and last days, and I am a mess. I was getting better at coping and coming to grips with it all, but when I started back to work, it all came flooding back in on me. I haven't worked since before he passed away 6 months ago and I still had him in my life. What is going on? I cry at work, I cry all the way home, I cry myself to sleep. I was getting better but now? Not so much. If I don't get a grip, I'm scared I will lose my job and I can't afford that.

Well the tears just decided to show up out of nowhere. I miss him so much 😥

I find myself dreading when I have to tackle buying groceries alone. We used to love to do that together. Dollar General, Kroger and Walmart are the biggest triggers, as well as a couple of restaurants we went to. I know I will have to face it alone at some point and not avoid life, because honestly, most everything reminds me of him. We were joined at the hip. Did everything together. That's where my insecurities come in. I ordered myself a necklace from Amazon that says "A piece of my heart lives in Heaven." it has a heart, a small medallion and an angel wing attached to it as well.