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Missy1965

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    20
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About Missy1965

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Fiance
  • Date of Death
    7/22/2020
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of Light hospital based

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    BRAXTON, MS

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  1. I'm doing worse. Feeling suicidal today. The pain is unbearable. Still blaming myself and have so much guilt. I can't eat and the anxiety is horrible. I just want to be free from this horrible pain.
  2. I would have to start all over with a new job, and being a Nurse, I would have to be "present" at all times. My anxiety level is out the roof and I cry most of the day. Flashbacks from the hospital haunt me and I feel sick all the time. Two weeks today...
  3. I've been out of work for about 3 weeks now. Today is day 13 without my soulmate/best friend. I'm doing good just to get out of bed and get thru the day. I cry everyday and have no energy. I eat and stay hydrated because I have to. I have a job offer but I don't know if I'm ready to get back at it. I don't know if I can get thru the days without crying all day. I can imagine that wouldn't be beneficial to my job and the Administrator would tire of me grieving. I live with my elderly parents and will have to eventually find work, so how quickly did those of you who lost their sweethearts get back at it? Working from home is not an option unfortunately.
  4. Thank you. I would like suggestions as to how each person handled the ugliness of those final days/moments.
  5. Yes. Flashbacks. And I pray they ease with time. I came across some of his favorite songs this morning and I lost it. God how it hurt.
  6. I see cardinals everyday. When I sit outside and pray, talk to Brian...I see several cardinals. One even landed on the chair he used to sit in on the deck when we had to stay with my parents until we got on our feet. Another circled that chair yesterday. One morning last week just before 2:00am, I was standing in the yard praying. Asking God to somehow show me Brian is okay and happy. I looked up and saw a brilliant shooting star and I know that was God's way of telling me all is well with Brian.
  7. I moved in with my parents and they make me eat even though I don't want to. I've lost 16 pounds. I can only stomach a little at a time. I drink plenty of fluids. I don't sleep in the bed Brian and I shared together but I long for him to be beside me. I may go horseback riding today with one of my sons. Someone please tell me how to overcome the bad images from his hospital stay. I feel it is getting in the way of even beginning to cope.
  8. I know he's not coming back, like I'll wake up and it will all be a bad dream. I feel I'm not in shock like I was the first week. I have cried uncontrollably everyday, I've questioned why, I've dealt with guilt, regret and blame (that's slowly becoming easier to deal with.) At the moment my biggest struggle, other than missing Brian more than I can ever begin to express, is that I am still being haunted by some of the sights and sounds from his week in the hospital before he went to his Heavenly home. Why did he seem to be getting better? Why did I have to see him cry? The sounds of his breathing and the "death face." This is really messing me up. I can't even sleep in the middle of the bed.
  9. Will this fresh hell ever get better? Am I doomed to live in a constant state of horrible sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life?? I don't want to live like this day after day after horrible day!! Is this all there is left? A broken, weepy, half person?? My God I cannot do it!!! Only 10 days and it seems like 10 YEARS!!
  10. His name is Brian 😞 He was the most tenderhearted, funny, sweet man who would go out of his way to help others. A truly beautiful soul. He loved the beach and wanted to be a beach bum. He loved taking care of me and doing things for me. He loved cars and loved taking care of mine. Because of the alcohol, we had a lot of fights but I loved in spite of it. He wanted help and I tried. God knows I tried. He had been to rehab before but didn't want to go back. He wanted to do it on his own. I have so many regrets over things I said to him out of anger. I imagine if the roles were reversed, he would be doing and feeling the same way I am now as he said a lot of things too. He said in the hospital he wanted to live. I can't get that out of my head. Was it his time?
  11. You didn't hurt me and you're right, I'm trying to escape the pain. Right now I feel as if I am not going to make it. The week in the hospital, his illness, my feelings of guilt and regret...all these things have me bound so tightly and I don't know where to even begin. I can't even drive my car without seeing him beside me. I don't even want to live anymore. I pray God has mercy on me and takes me home asap. I just want to be at peace and see him again. I can't even say his name 😞
  12. Is it too soon to start volunteering at a therapeutic horseback riding stable? We went everywhere together in my car and I don't know if I'm ready to get in it without wishing he was beside me listening to his favorite songs over and over, turned up too loud. He knew I love horses and always wanted me to be able to be around them, but he would've wanted to go with me. I feel sick and anxious today. I haven't slept in more than 24 hours.
  13. I keep replaying the week in the hospital over and over in my head. Lucid moments, confused, lucid, confused...I feel like I gave up on him...like something could've been done.
  14. I'm sorry. I may have been misunderstood. In no way, shape or form am I even remotely close to wanting to be in another relationship. The thought sickens me. I'm 55 years old and as far as I'm concerned, he was my one and only. My end. The last man I will ever love. I just meant that it's discouraging to see so many still grieving so painfully years after their spouses passed. I understand the pain never really goes away if one truly loved his/her spouse and the memories will always be there. I was just saying that I can't imagine being in the raw stages of grief for YEARS. I believe I would die of a broken heart or take my own life. I'm still dealing with a lot of regret like the times he wanted me to hang out on the balcony with him and his friends and I was selfish in wanting my time to myself after work, or I didn't have my bra on and didn't feel like putting it on. I hope he forgave me 😞
  15. Thank you all so much for your kindness and support but to be honest, I'm even more depressed seeing that there are people on here who are still in agony after years of grief. I have accepted the fact that I won't see my soulmate again until I go to my Heavenly home, and am incredibly sad I won't get to physically hold him, kiss him, he won't be able to do the things for me he loved to do, bring me home little happies...but death is a part of life and we're only here temporarily. That doesn't make this any easier, but I'm a Christian woman and will rely on God and my faith to get me thru this heartache. I'm not in denial. I'm very aware of the fact that half of my heart is gone. Now I need to work on letting certain things go and let my love RIP. Again, thank you all so much.
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