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Everything posted by Missy1965

  1. I keep reliving the last days and all it does is cause more pain. He fought so hard and he never got angry. He even made jokes, trying to cheer me up because that's how he was. He and I both had been given hope he would recover. Only when hospice was recommended the day before he passed did I realize he wasn't going to make it out of the hospital. I don't think he ever knew he wouldn't. My heart aches for what he went through. It was the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I've ever had to witness.
  2. There is just something about late afternoons the tears just start flowing and the memories flood in. I guess it's because of the realization that my routine has drastically changed, and I now have to adjust to a "new normal" without him. I don't like it one bit 😪
  3. Thank you James. I only had 3 & 1/2 years with Brian, but we truly loved each other unconditionally. He often said I made him happier than he had ever been, so I want to do my best to make sure his love and happiness weren't wasted. It's very hard right now to smile or laugh. In fact, I cry as I type, but he loved me so very much, and I him, so I want to try my best to honor him the best way I know how, and that is to live and make him proud. We had many plans together, but God had different plans and called him home. I don't know the purpose for the pain, but I trust there IS one. In the
  4. Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. The last two days haven't been quite as bad, but I still cry. I have thought many times about just giving up, going through the motions and "existing" until it's my turn to join him, but he truly loved me so much and did so much for me, I feel like if I was to just give up and exist, all that love and all that care he poured out on me every single day would be wasted, and it wouldn't be the way to honor him. He spoiled me rotten and he made friends everywhere we went. How could I just give up, go through the motions of living, just getting b
  5. There's no way I can't cry. Reality is sinking in and it feels like I'm starting all over from the day he went into the hospital, then passed away a week later. I find myself reliving those days and it's so hard. Some people say it's "not normal" to still be crying everyday. They say I should be "moving forward with life" and tuck him away in my heart. What they don't understand is that he was the center of my world and my best friend. His absence has hit me very hard. I cry now as I type this out. I miss him so very much and I need time.
  6. I'm so tired of crying every single day and night. It's miserable and exhausting, and doesn't change a thing.
  7. The tears just won't stop. It doesn't matter how much I'm distracted. My mind is constantly on him. Even working. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss him. He truly was my best friend. I don't know how much longer I will cry and be miserable every single day and night. I just want my life back. I want to smile and be happy again. Right now it doesn't seem possible. I had this thought in my head that surely at 6 months, I would be coping better.
  8. And it's just not the same. I have a lot to be thankful for, but this is not a happy birthday. To top it off, next Tuesday would've been our 4th anniversary. I'm not trying to be ungrateful for all I'm blessed with. I'm just extra heart broken today and the tears will not stop.
  9. I do have a coworker checking my work. It just worries me that someone will see tears rolling down my face while I work and tell my supervisor I can't function. I walk outside and take a short break when a bigger wave hits, but I've been stabbed in the back in the past by a coworker who I considered my best friend. I ended up losing my job of 4 years due to lies she told on me. My supervisor is very sympathetic. Her best friend's fiance' was killed a couple of weeks ago so she knows from that experience with her friend, what I am going through. I know this is going to take time. One
  10. Thank you James. I know I'll cry all the way home and when I get home. Life doesn't feel "normal" without him. I feel so helpless because I can't touch him or see him. I was getting better but now I've gone completely backwards. All the progress I made...gone. I miss my best friend 😢
  11. And oh my gosh...Tuesday I felt like I ran into a brick wall face first. It hit me really hard that Brian won't be waiting for me when I get home everyday, we won't be spending time together in the mornings or evenings, I can't call him or text him during the day and vice versa, I can't call him to let him know I'm on my way home. So many things hit me all at once and I lost it. I feel like I have started back at day one when the nightmare began, and to compound all of that, I have PTS from before and during his hospital stay and last days, and I am a mess. I was getting better at coping and c
  12. Well the tears just decided to show up out of nowhere. I miss him so much 😥
  13. I find myself dreading when I have to tackle buying groceries alone. We used to love to do that together. Dollar General, Kroger and Walmart are the biggest triggers, as well as a couple of restaurants we went to. I know I will have to face it alone at some point and not avoid life, because honestly, most everything reminds me of him. We were joined at the hip. Did everything together. That's where my insecurities come in. I ordered myself a necklace from Amazon that says "A piece of my heart lives in Heaven." it has a heart, a small medallion and an angel wing attached to it as well.
  14. How is it that the days can simultaneously crawl and fly by at the same time? It's been 5 months and 7 days since the rug of life was pulled out from under me, yet some days it feels as if it's brand new. I remember how at first I didn't think I could live thru this, nor did I want to. I still cry everyday, especially this month, but I'm also starting to appreciate, little by little, the beauty of nature, my family, a beautiful sunset...tiny glimmers of joy in the small things and hope for the future. I've even smiled and laughed a few times. I still have feelings of insecurity, I c
  15. I won't go into the personal details of how/why Brian died, but I believe God had mercy on him as well, and took him out of his mental and physical struggles. He knew what the future held for him and took him home so he could be finally be free.
  16. James, I always felt he was my purpose, but now I have to shift my focus, asking God to lead me and do His will in my life. I cry as I type this. It's very hard.
  17. James, I used to feel like I was being punished as well, but God doesn't operate that way. We live in a fallen world. It's not God's will for anyone to die, but He doesn't always intervene. He knows what we don't. He sees the future, and it breaks His heart knowing how broken hearted we are. It doesn't always feel like it, but He is with us every step of the way. I don't know if anything I've said has brought you even a sliver of comfort, as I am still in deep grief myself, but you are not alone in this journey. I pray that in the coming days, we will be able to smile again and always re
  18. I cry everyday. Sometimes so hard I can't breathe. This month has been particularly difficult. I'm praying the New Year will be better for all of us, and everyone else who are struggling. It's just been a tough year. Period.
  19. This is not true. I am still very much in love with Brian and wanted to join him for the first 2 months. I just knew I was going to die from a broken heart, and still do sometimes, but I know in my heart he doesn't want that for me, and neither does Annette for you. I would've given anything to go with him, but as painful as it is, and sometimes these are just words, God left us here for a reason. What that reason is, I don't know. But nothing happens without His permission. He doesn't allow difficulty without a Divine purpose for it. This is a journey none of us asked for or like, but we must
  20. Same here. The loneliness and emptiness are ever present. We're still here so we have to try and move forward because that's what they would want. I can't imagine Annette and Brian wanting us to be miserable for the rest of our lives. We can honor them by living for them.
  21. Yes I remember the short time the two of you had together, and I too know how very much Brian loves me. Our love was and is unconditional. Your words bring me a bit of comfort. Thank you. I'm glad to have had a man who loved me the way he did, flaws and all. For me, there will never be another man like him on this Earth, and I have no interest in trying to pursue what we had with someone else.
  22. Yes this month has been brutal. I have cried everyday so far. First Christmas/New Year's without Brian. I wish I could sleep and not wake up until January 2nd. Jan. The 11th is my 56th birthday and the 19th would've been our 4th anniversary. March 18th would've been his 50th birthday. All these "firsts" are overwhelming. I try not to look at the big picture because frankly, it scares me to death. I wish I could be normal and find comfort in pictures and his music. But at the moment, it breaks me down and my whole day is shot. If not for my Faith and the comfort of knowing I will see him
  23. It's been 5 months since my whole world came crashing down around me. I hadn't been able to look at his pictures, so about an hour ago I decided it was time. BIG MISTAKE. I thought it would help to see him happy in pictures before he got sick. To remember a time when he was smiling and content, not sick and dying in a hospital bed. He only had a couple of months to enjoy living on the beach, but he was happy there. His dream was to live on the beach. Why didn't he get to enjoy it longer? We only had 3 and 1/2 years together. I feel so insecure and unsure. What am I going to do with my lif
  24. They never called for the interview so I have been on the phone leaving messages to please call me, trying to find out what happened. Maybe it's not meant to be.
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