So, I’m 20 years old & lost my mom May 26, 2020. She went into the hospital on my birthday, just about two weeks earlier than the day she died, and was told she had cirrhosis of her liver. My mom had hemochromatosis which already set her life expectancy back a bit (her grandmother died at the age of 53 from the same illness) but she was also a heavy drinker.
At first, her doctors told us she would probably need a transplant, but she’d be fine. it was early. After hearing this, I decided not to go see her immediately as the COVID-19 pandemic was making it to where no one was allowed to see her anyways, and I go to school 4 hours away from home. Within two weeks, all of her major organs had gone into failure & she wasn’t conscious the last two days she was alive.
I had traveled home & stayed when things started getting bad, and even got to have one more conversation with her before she was too far gone. My problem now is this, though; I have lost my mother, the woman whose hip i was attached to for the first four years of my life. we had a rocky relationship when i was a teenager, and i let myself use that as an excuse to distance myself from my parents when I moved for school.
It’s now been 2 months since she’s passed & for a little over a week, every morning is impossible. I can’t wake up to alarms, but sure... I’ve never been a morning person. Within moments of waking up, though, I find myself lashing out at my boyfriend and breaking down into sobbing fits. I missed work yesterday because I couldn’t pull myself out of bed. It does get easier to handle my thoughts and emotions throughout the day, but mornings come too soon, and they’re never the sun-shine and bird-songs they once were. Every morning is a reminder that she’s gone & I’m not sure how to handle any of this. My father is a mess, my brothers rely on me & my younger brother is only just now 12. My entire life has fallen apart and every morning is a cold reminder of just that. I feel like I’m unintentionally putting distance between myself and my boyfriend, and that he’s taking my anger towards everything else in the world personally. I miss my mother, and I regret every foul word I’ve ever uttered to or about her. I wish i had more time. It wasn’t her time. She was supposed to be around for my baby brother to graduate high school, to meet her grandkids & for us to become friends like so many mother-daughter relationships transition to in adult life. I’m bitter and sad and angry and lost. Every morning I’m washed in this wave of negative funk, and I’ve been trapped in a seemingly never ending loop of gut-wrenching realizations every morning. I wake up tired, if I see the mornings at all. I don’t know what to do anymore.
