RoseSher98

@MamasGirl59 I am also very sorry for the loss of your mom, it sounds like we are both in a similar situation, although i lost my child a couple of months ago and that has also been adding to the grief and the guilt, but i push forward because i know my mom would want me to. I know what you mean, my mom was so full of life and love for other people, she was a giver and i am thankful that she gave that to me. It was incredibly hard to watch it all slowly fade away, it got the best of her and i don't blame her for it, i hope she knows i'm not mad at her. COVID has made every day life that much more difficult and it's been hard to see it affect myself and others so negatively. I also feel that if i was around more or there in person i could have said the right thing or done the right thing to make a difference. I'm sorry about your husband, mine will do the same often. He does sit with me sometimes when i cry but i can tell it's an inconvenience. I would much rather just feel what i need to feel then try to repress it for others to make them comfortable, but the people pleaser side of me often will put up this image that is fake and i cry when i'm alone and break down when i feel like i'm safe. I find that a lot of people mean well, but just don't know what to say, or the right thing to say, but no one should get to determine how you grieve. I sincerely hope that he offers some more support if that's what you feel you need, even if people get tired of hearing it! Just because they don't understand it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be there when you're feeling down, that's something that i've kind of had to learn, people don't like "downers." Thank you for making me feel a little less alone and i do feel at peace with it, but i am not over it. Feel free to message me anytime if you want.

Sorry that was a typo, i meant to say 47...but still really young. I am so sorry for your loss and for your daughters loss, it is never an easy thing to deal with. It seemed like a really brutal way to go, but somehow she still made it beautiful in a way too. She knew she was going and appreciated every moment that she had left and was filled with so much love for everything and everyone. It was really hard not being there to say goodbye in person, i did talk to her through video, but it wasn't the same. I wanted to be there to hold her one last time and hug her. She told me before i left to Iowa to be with my now husband, "If i had known it was the last hug, i would have hugged harder." and i feel the exact same way. I do have some support, my family has been supportive, my dad paid for me and my husband to stay in a hotel during the pandemic while we quarantine before the funeral and my brother has messaged me checking up on me. I do also have a counsellor that i talk to over the phone because i was going through a loss that also happened a couple of months ago before this, she has also been helpful. My husband i've noticed will sometimes expect me to roughly be over it, and although i consider myself at peace with it, i'm most certainly not over it. It's a very tough thing, that unless you go through it, you wont understand the pain it causes upon a person. Everyone has their own grieving process, i occasionally think i'm still in denial, and sometimes it's true. I just keep pushing forward, as i like to say, and it sucks to be in quarantine.

A few weeks ago i got the news that my mom who was 47 years old passed away and it's like it hasn't really felt real since then and i'm not sure if it will ever sink in. There were a few years that we had a complicated relationship, but luckily at the beginning of this year we were talking, but i still hope that she didn't think i was mad at her. Since quarantine, she went down hill really quickly and it was all sudden. I had known that she was an alcoholic before quarantine, but it got worse with the stress of Covid and trying to adjust to a new normal. I still don't really know what happened, but she started drinking a bottle of vodka a day and her symptoms got worse. She got a diagnosis from the hospital and they said she had 3 to 6 months and that she had cirrhosis, but another hospital said a few years. After getting the diagnosis she would just drink more and more and be verbally and physically aggressive with my step dad and my brother who were back home, i'm living in the States trying to get a green card, long story. In the last few weeks it was hard for her to eat or drink anything because she was puking all the time. It was really hard to watch her suffer from a distance, i didn't realize that was her last night or i would have called her and talked to her for hours. She passed away on July 29, 2020 and it doesn't feel real, i am in disbelief. I am at a loss for words and keep thinking i will wake up from this dream some day. I already miss her so much and i feel like i didn't get a proper chance to say goodbye. I miss her so much, i love you to the moon and back mom.