Gracie4ever

Dear Frankie, Today and pretty much every time I cry, I start bawling. Sometimes if I’m out somewhere and feel like crying, I have to try and hold it in until I’m home. I try to remember that my girl is not suffering, too, and I know that was the right decision. The suffering in my heart that this is the harsh reality...it’s so much to bear. My Mom took in a homeless cat and he’s nearly twice as big as my girl was. He likes to climb onto me and rub his face on my chin or neck...he gives me some comfort. I try to take it in and enjoy it, telling myself that my girl would want to see me receiving comfort from her kind, plus she would want me to show love to the animals I can be with. I’m so sorry for the strong lockdown you have. It keeps us safer but it has lasted so long and when we are missing our fur babies it’s so hard. I’m glad the cat likes to sit on your lap. Take in that comfort whenever you can. Sending you hugs, prayers and peace too, dear. I’m so thankful for this group and people like you. We are truly in this, together.

What a beautiful tribute to Coco, I've got tears streaming down my face, too.

I really understand where you are coming from. I joined some Facebook loss groups but the pictures and the sayings were so heartbreaking that sometimes I could not bare to look at them. However, other times, I can look at things and it helps me cry. It really is good to get a good cry on...it helps us to relieve some stress. I am so happy to have this group where I can speak freely. As you said, we don't feel free to speak to everyone about our losses and our babies...we can speak freely here, which is wonderful. Thankful for you.

No worries, my friend, I love dogs and cats and didn’t think anything of it. It’s funny you should mention that because the older she got, the more demanding she got about breakfast. Also, towards the end she had diabetes so I was always worried and wanted to make sure she ate enough. She would howl really loudly to be fed. I think part of that was because she became deaf. Sometimes at 6 AM sometimes earlier so I would end feeding her and going back to bed. It was really annoying, but what I wouldn’t give to do that again.

I might’ve shared this before but she was a timid cat. She’d get nervous with loud noises. Sometimes I’d get home from work and couldn’t find her. Then I’d notice a lump in the comforter on the bed. She knew how to climb in there underneath the blanket and hide. It was the cutest thing. I would just pet her that way until she was ready to come out. I miss her so much.

My dear, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I struggled with that feeling, my mind kept trying to figure out ways that I might get her back Every time I had to tell myself that all the thinking in circles wasn't going to bring her back, I was devastated over and over again. If I get up at night and walk in the dark I still feel a need to watch where I'm stepping. For me that's a big part of what the word "grieving" came to mean - telling my heart over and over again that I can't bring her back. Again I'm really sorry you are going through this, but please be assured that it is indeed a very normal part of grieving. It sucks. Be kind to yourself and as always, we are here for you whenever you wish. My heart aches for you and with you.

Kay, I'm so sorry you also struggle with that....those spots are sacred ground...hugs to you.

Today is the two month mark and I woke at 3 and it’s almost 5 a.m. I’ve been crying a lot to where I can’t breathe and I just looked at my folder of Gracie photos. It’s just a tug of war, grieving. Part of me wanted to look at photos while the other part knew I was breaking my own heart by looking. I was feeling so dreadfully alone so I knew it would help to come here and speak to you.. my dear people who truly understand.

Hi Dear, Everything you say here resonates with me because the couch was where Gracie would sleep so I find it’s not easy to use it. Today I sat there but I still leave her side clear as if she still uses it. I’ve thought about getting a different couch because it’s old anyway but it’s such an expensive item to replace. Many times I just stay in my bedroom because there are less memories there but of course there are memories in every room. I find myself still avoiding looking at certain spaces or things. Nights are hardest for me, too. I think when the sun goes down I just want to be alone and not interact with people. I grieve harder at night. I usually end up taking something natural to help me sleep. Dear, we really do understand your feelings. My heart is with you.

You did the right thing, dear Kay. You saw when Arlie was no longer able to live comfortably and you made the toughest call, ever. You were not thinking of yourself but only of Arlie, as should be, and you helped him to rest when the time was right. It devastates our hearts and breaks them, but we will take that, knowing our beloveds are no longer suffering and never to suffer again!! Only to be at peace and happy. Hugs to you.

I believe that the medication is what caused my girl to be weak on her legs and when I saw that, I decided it was time to let her rest. However, in hindsight, I believe she was suffering longer than I realized. I mean why would I have decided to give her pain medication unless I saw pain? So I had to grapple with the idea that perhaps I caused her to go downhill faster because of that medication choice...but it was the only medication they said I could give her due to various health issues ...and as I said, she was in pain, she would lay down very very slowly...and her legs had been weak for some time, just not that weak...so I will never know for sure. Yet at the same time, I hear that once kidney failure happens, things go downhill very quickly. So was it the meds or not? I will never know for sure, so I tell myself I just can't know. And a friend told me it's the same risk we take when we ourselves take medications. Gregg brought up that it was still the most humane way, because at least she wasn't in pain and it also helped her with anxiety. It's so hard, my dear. Again, the only thing that would've been good was if they could live with us and never leave us, and in good health. My heart goes out to you.

Dear, I am so dreadfully sorry for the loss of your dear Westley 2 days ago. My heart aches because I remember how I felt 2 days after. Thank you so much for your kind and loving post. We are not the only ones who have regrets and wonder if we missed something. It is a part of grieving that seems to grab all of us by the throat. My girl had diabetes for about three weeks and it actually got under control with change of diet, but then she kept refusing foods and I figured she just didn't like the replacement foods I was offering...but now I think she was losing her appetite due to her other health issues. Dear, we did the best we could. Trying to see things when animals are so good at hiding them...it's impossible to do better than we did. Our babies could not live forever and in perfect health, but that's what our hearts keep trying to work out for them. My Vet told me that even she had regrets after the loss of her dear cat. That really told me something...if even she had a hard time figuring out what to do, we will definitely struggle with the same issues. One of my friends told me that a pet's paradise is to be with someone who loves them. Our dears definitely knew that we loved them. In the end I knew she was suffering and I had to end that suffering, not prolong it. I wanted her just to rest and be at peace. I had asked a friend to hear some of my concerns today and we talked for an hour and it did help some. In two days will be the 2 month mark and some days seem better and some days seem worse. Today was a worse day. As you might've seen in other posts, Marty mentions that sometimes we suffer with those feelings of guilt until we feel we have suffered enough. Dear, please know that just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you are actually guilty. It comes with the territory of having to make the decision to euthanize. Please show yourself the same compassion you show me, I know it's easier said than done. I have the same issue. Please try, because you obviously loved your baby and gave him a wonderful life full of love. That's all they ask for, and we gave it to them. Big hugs to you, dear! You can post here anytime and we will hear you...and understand. This is an awesome forum with wonderful people, which includes you.

Dear Paula, I’m so sorry for your loss. She will always be a part of you, so she’s in your heart and your thoughts and dreams. I understand all you are saying. I see memories of my girl in my home and I feel really sad yet I also want to look at them. The same things or memories make me both happy and sad. I’ve never experienced so much of this “confusion” in my life. I understand how it can feel like things feel worse ...grief ebbs and flows...I thought I was doing a bit better for a few days but today the tears won’t stop. In two days will be the 2 month mark since the day she went to rest. Please know that we truly feel your pain and understand your feelings and we are here for you. Hugs to you.

I agree with you, dear Kay. I know that when I try to play stuff over in my head it’s because I’m wishing for a different outcome. It’s heartbreaking to keep telling myself there is no changing anything. I know that is a part of grieving...the heart has to acknowledge what the mind already knows. It sucks. For example, I’d mentioned before that the last day happened too quickly, it felt too hurried, due to trauma for me, pandemic protocol etc...but I told a friend of mine about my regrets that it went too fast and she said, “I don’t think any amount of time would’ve been good enough”....and she’s right...because we hate the outcome.

Thank you Paula for your kind thoughts. I try to think of happy memories of my girl, as you said, those memories are also hard...but can also bring a happy feeling. I know in time I will be able to look longer at her photos. I know that even if I cry, it’s a good thing to grieve and release some stress in the body....I want to thank you so much for your love and concern. It really means a lot. Today is a particularly hard day. Hugs to you.

I have referred a lot of people to this group because of the excellent support found here! Marty, you are truly appreciated!!!

Thank you for all the information and guidance, Marty. I need to read all of this and put it into practice, too.

Dear Michele, I'm so sorry to hear that last week was particularly hard. Roxis is so so so beautiful!!! Thanks for sharing the photo. I had a couple of better days and thought wow, time is already helping, then two of the worst days ever. All the crying is not crying but always sobbing, deep mournful sounds. Thankfully I live alone and hopefully my neighbors don't hear me. Sometimes I call out to her as if she is here, and I picture he everywhere or think I hear her. For many years she had an issue with vomiting and I would hear her and rush to her aid. Now sometimes I think I hear her, it breaks my heart. There are certain areas or pieces of furniture I try not to even look at, and think of getting rid of them...but then I think I can't get rid of them because that would break my heart, too! Either way, I'm doomed! Marty had said somewhere, (Marty could you please share the link to that with us, again?) that we tend to equate pain in grief with evidence of our love for someone...(something like that).. Michele and Kay, people that feel that one animal should replace another, they just don't get it. What if someone had two sons, or two daughters, and lost one? Nobody would ever say "well you have your other son, or daughter"...no way! So thankful for this group where we totally get it, we know the love of our precious babies, and nobody will ever replace them.

Kay, Yes! I agree totally! I saw in another forum where someone said something very cruel to someone else and I couldn’t even find a way to report the post or reach anyone. That bad member left but the post was still there! It was terrible. I always appreciate hearing advice and info from Marty because I know she has a great deal of experience and knowledge. I also appreciate you, Kay! You always show concern for every post and every heart that comes here seeking comfort and help! Thank you to both of you from the bottom of my heart!🤗 I always encourage people to come here for loving care and advice.

Your baby is so beautiful and precious! I'm so sorry for your loss. As you said these are already the most horrible of times and losing our fur babies has made it so much worse. It's hard for me to come to terms, too. I find I have to tell myself every day that there is nothing I can do about it, I can't get her back. That fact that I have to tell myself, every day, breaks my heart, over and over again. I know it's a part of grieving, but it truly sucks. You are not alone. We feel and share your pain.

Thank you so much, dear Marty! I am going to read all of this, today! I really appreciate your thoughts and advice, SOOOOOO much, beyond what words can say.

Thank you so much, Marty and Kay for the links. So when the thoughts come to me, or the pictures in my mind...I try to remind myself of the reasons why I chose the scenario I chose. Positive reasons why, or reminders that even if I acted differently (like Gregg mentioned) I’d still be sitting here with some guilt, simply because it’s part of what comes with the tough decision. I’ve tried to do that for the past month (allow the memories to play, and reason on it)...So now, as I try to self nurture, find ways to remember and celebrate my girl...if those bad pictures pop in my head, should I continue to reason them out over and over again? Or is it ok to start distracting my mind to other thoughts? I’ve been told, “thoughts that are suppressed, persist”...but I also know that when I ruminate too much on a bad thought, I feel that makes it stronger. So I don’t know what to think. Is it ok to distract now? Or not?

Thank you so much, dear Marty. I will definitely check them out. Sometimes I read something, just a sentence or a phrase that really impacts me and helps somehow...you are right, I am constantly on the search to find those soothing words. I may start a collection, myself, to help others when they also need such words of comfort. Thanks again.🤗

Gregg, I SO love the picture of Mango, it's a beautiful tribute. The other day I looked up one of my old photo accounts online, trying to find any older photos of Gracie. 18 years is a long time and sadly, some accounts came and went. I recall one company deleted my photos without warning. I found one photo...only one, but I'm thankful for it. She was fat and fluffy, she was around 4 years old at that time. I looked at it and cried and then put it away again...someday I will be able to look at it again. For now, it's just nice knowing I still have it. You are right about the movie Wargames and no good answer. I've tried to play my regrets through, "what if I did that instead of this?" but for every scenario, I still come out sad at the end because the ending sucked. I am now trying to remind myself that I was rescuing her, with the decision I made that day. I was ending her pain and discomfort. I had tried to pet her the day before and she didn't really react, so she was unhappy and not enthused about being touched. It's like you mentioned to someone else here, that pets often like to be alone when they are not feeling well. So why do I still regret so deeply that I didn't pet her more, before the first shot? Maybe that is just me imputing human thoughts to her. The Vet did pet her, so that’s something. It would've mattered to me, but probably not her. I knew she didn't like being at the Vet so I wanted that to end for her, as soon as possible. Every second counted. I just wasn't comprehending that this was my last chance. Why can't I keep it straight in my head that no matter what, she is not suffering now? My brain is stuck...I want so badly to get it over that memory. But as you said, it was "trauma" absolutely trauma...and I need to show myself some compassion and realize I was doing the best I could...and in actuality, putting her comfort completely ahead of my own. I have a Trauma Counselor and we met once on Zoom but then she had a family emergency and took two weeks off. I don't know realistically how she can help me, beyond things I can do myself. So I'm trying things just to see what might help. Tapping, mindfulness, new avenues I'd never explored before. The thoughts come to me here and there during the day...the fact that they keep returning is very disturbing to me. But it's not all day long...like you said, I am able to see that I am improving...just impatient, I guess. I want the results of memories softening as time passes, without having to wait out the time. I have asked to join two pet loss support groups from my area. They both have one meeting a month, this time it's on October 7th. One finishes and the other starts, so I will join them both and see if they are helpful. I went to visit my Mom's new cat and she rubbed her face against mine...it's nice to know I can visit a cat, while I try to work out my feelings and am not yet ready to get another. My friend that lost her dog six weeks before my Gracie, she is considering the idea of fostering a dog. I understand it, she's very lonely and it could really help her. She's not ready yet - but it's on her mind...and I will be happy and celebrate with her when she's ready. Hopefully she will find a good match and end up adopting him/her. Gregg, I found the book "Goodbye, Friend" and have been reading it. Thank you so much. I discovered that my local library branch has lots of e-books that can be borrowed so I have decided to see what other similar books they might have available. Sometimes it helps just to read something and let it set off tears.

After my Gracie passed, they told me they put a copy of her paw print on their board in their break room so they would be reminded of her. I believe they do this with the cats that pass. I thought it was a very sweet gesture.