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Gracie4ever

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Everything posted by Gracie4ever

  1. It has been six weeks since I lost my girl, and I still keep seeing the last day, the last moments. Finding fresh things to regret, looking at her in the crate, why didn’t I pull her out and hold her a few more seconds? Stuff like that...the guilt still lives...is it just time that will help me stop staying stuck on the last day? Are there other things I should be doing, other than self care? Do I try to resist all the ruminating about her last day or let it keep playing until it eventually quiets down? If I do that, will it ever quiet down? I’m stuck. What’s the best way to handle it? Does anybody have any tips, things that have helped you?
  2. Dear Cassandra, Please be assured that guilt is a part of grieving. I didn’t remember that but I learned it the hard way. It only took hours after my girl passed, that the guilty feelings came on strong and relentless. Here is one article that Marty has shared before, about guilt. http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
  3. Cassandra, I’m so sorry to hear about Lizzie. There was no way that you could know. If you had taken her, and she wasn’t feeling well, that would’ve been more stress for her. As Marty said, you put her needs first. You gave her an awesome long life, dear. It’s obvious you filled her life with love. We are here for you.
  4. Kay I'm really sorry that the dog injured your hands! That is terrible! I'm sorry the rescue stories didn't work out, either. I had thought about fostering but I realized I have to be ready to actually keep a pet by the time I'd consider that because I fall fast and hard ....it's unlikely I wouldn't end up keeping the animal, unless they bit me or something else terrible. I understood you, that it is always helpful to have soft furries in our lives!! Fur fixes are the best!!!
  5. Thanks @kayc and @MartyT for sharing! I know I'm not ready yet...but I do also realize that I need fur babies in my life. My Mother has never been an animal person but she adopted a homeless dog around 7 years ago, thinking it would be good for my Dad who has dementia. Turns out the dog is great for both of them, and she loves him very much. She was never an animal person! Well, yesterday she calls me to ask if I still have a cat scratcher pole...because a man went temporarily to jail and had to abandon his cat. Long story short, the cat was at my Mom's house!!! I couldn't resist, I went to visit her, because I knew that my heart had been craving to touch a cat again. She is a Siamese cat and beautiful and very big. I could barely hold her in my arms. My Mom thinks she weights 18 pounds. She wouldn't stop rubbing on legs. When I got home I felt happier, even though I knew I was still grieving. So I get what you both and @GMS have been saying. I am not ready yet, the pain is still raw...but probably likely, sometime in the future. I have all this love to give. Even my neighbor who has a little puppy, comes to see me and says, "Wally just loves you!" Animal people are always going to be animal people.
  6. Kay, my heart goes out to you and your family. Please keep us updated. 💕
  7. Thank you Kay. I started to Google but I saw the word "toxic" and stopped myself as I felt it would be too painful. It was the "only" med we could give her...so If I knew it could be dangerous and could go back in time, the only thing I could've done for her would be to let her rest sooner..and not given her that. She was in pain, she was declining, so my only solace is that hopefully she was protected from a lot of the pain because of having that in her system, like Gregg had mentioned. I don't know that I'll be ready for a new pet anytime soon. I would be too panicked constantly looking for signs of sickness. I'm thinking of volunteering, there are two potential places. One is a Wildlife Rescue, all kinds of animals but also includes cats and dogs so it's a risk...for my heart...but also birds, squirrels, raccoons, etc. The other place is a no-kill, no-cage cat shelter. No pressure there since I know they will live happy lives there as long as they need.
  8. Thank you, Kay...see what you think about this. I did ask the Vet about it right away, maybe the day after. Trying to make sense of everything. She said it wasn't due to the meds but I was thinking if it was due to the meds she probably wouldn't admit it. She has always seemed like a good Vet so I believed her. But then one or two people in a forum said their pets' legs got weak after pain meds. One of them contacted me directly and I’d been able to push the idea away, until she did that. So that's why the doubt. I want to believe the Vet. Maybe I have to just keep telling myself she was truthful. Here is what she wrote to me. Either she started to crash quickly, or it was the meds. I had also asked about a kidney-friendly diet and why we didn't put her on one, I had asked them once and they said no. I ended up giving her a high protein, no carb diet for her diabetes...which then went into remission. But then I read high protein might not be good for kidneys. The following is her email to me. What do you think? "In answer to your questions, you are correct that gabapentin was the safest pain medication that we had available for Gracie. Cats are very susceptible to side effects from pain medications, so we have a limited number to start with; for kitties like Gracie who have underlying illness, we can't use medications like anti-inflammatories. Every medication comes along with side effects, and gabapentin can make them a little sleepy or sometimes uncoordinated, but it is not likely that Gracie's muscle weakness was due to her gabapentin.Weakness is a common symptom that we see for most cats near the end of life. It's often due to a combination of factors, and generally related to the body starting to 'shut down.' The body is putting a lot of energy into running the core systems (brain, heart, etc) and may not have a lot of energy to spare for things like movement, which are not as critical.And yes, when a patient is dealing with multiple chronic disease processes, we have to balance the treatments sometimes. One of the general recommendations for kidney disease is a low protein diet to help prevent some of the by-products of protein metabolism building up in the bloodstream and making them feel poorly. There is some evidence that this may not be the case in cats, and some kidney disease patients do very well on a higher protein diet. For Gracie, at an early stage of kidney disease, this was less of a consideration than trying to manage her blood sugar. We do the best we can with the information we have at the time.I know it's hard, and it's not fair that they are with us for such a short time, but please try to remember that Gracie lived an extraordinarily long life with a very good quality of life.
  9. I'm so sorry to hear about Callie. It was a month ago today that I had to let my girl rest. I feel your pain. Please know that we understand and that you can come here and express your feelings anytime you want. We are here for you and this is a safe place. Susan
  10. Thank you Gregg. I was thinking that it will be wrapped up, most likely, and I will wait until I’m home and take it out. Touch the impression and cry. But maybe after time, it will be a sweet momento for me. I will pick it up. How fun that Leon likes to play! I’m so happy he doesn’t mind being picked up! That’s wonderful. I have been thinking about either getting another pet, eventually, or maybe first, volunteering for a wildlife rescue in my area. I know I need to be around animals. I need to give them love and pet them! I can’t volunteer yet, due to the pandemic. I hope that Marble will get better really soon. You have a beautiful family.
  11. Thank you, Marty. I will work on this and have hope, and work on positive thoughts as you say. I will try to be conscious and deliberate in my thinking. I realize I’ve never tried to change my thoughts before, only gave free rein to my mind. Dangerous. My girl might give me the gift of more positive mindset. Gregg, you’re right. I never thought of this before. I have a friend who just told me that both her elderly parents were given increased pain meds when they no longer wished to hang on. They passed quite quickly after that. Gregg, my friend, thank you very, very much. Recently I have given a lot of thought to why humans aren’t given the same option as we have for our animals. Marty and Gregg you both helped me ease some load from my heart, today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.♥️ I am going to use your words to help me try to get a handle on this.
  12. Thank you so much dear Marty. I will take your advice to heart. I can say it was the kidney disease that ultimately hurt her. I did want to try to distract my thoughts and bury this. It just seemed too much to bear. I keep seeing her last two days. Is that normal in grieving? Will that fade, in time?
  13. Gregg I’m glad you were able to bring Marble to see the same oncologist and that he is sleeping better. I hope you were able to rest, as well. You also have Mango home. That is very good. I still have a paw print waiting at the Vet that I can’t get myself to go pick up. They told me to take my time, they will keep it safe. I wonder if I will ever have the strength to go get it. I recently made a new friend that told me about her pet that died last year, in a very tragic way. I tried to use that to gain perspective, as well. After that tragedy, she also had to have brain surgery and in midst of recovery, her Father passed away in a tragic way. Yet, she still keeps going! It reminded me life can be difficult and always comes with some heartache, yet we look for the joy and keep going forward. Like you said, we find a way to pull through and carry on. Our fur babies bring us joy and we make their lives better by giving them a home and love, and they bring us love. Please continue to keep us updated. How is Leon, has he made himself at home? Susan
  14. I was starting to feel just a tad bit better in the grieving process. Then, I read another example of someone who gave their pet the same pain med I gave my cat in her last two days and their pet took a turn for the worse, just like mine. I know my girl was declining, that’s why I started giving her that pain medication. However, the thought that I likely inadvertently caused her to crash faster, kills me. She had kidney disease and that med, I was told, was the only option due to her various health problems. I couldn’t figure out why she lost control of her legs so fast. I had other guilt feelings I was struggling with but this one now, tops them all. I read that renal failure happens quickly, and perhaps she just started to crash at the same time...but I will never believe that. The thing is, I didn’t hurt her intentionally, if the med really did her in. I thought I was relieving her pain. I really hope that it still helped her pain. The only other choice I would’ve had would be to take her to be put to rest sooner...my heart was never going to come to that conclusion. I had mentioned the medication in another forum and another woman contacted me saying she had the same experience with her dog. I wish she hadn’t told me. So yesterday I told a friend about it, she lost her dog, two months before. She said the same thing happened to her! She says we didn’t know, we didn’t do it deliberately, we did everything with love. She said God helped us to see it was time for them to rest. She ADORED her dog, yet the same thing happened to her. That is a small consolation...that the biggest hearts could have the same scenario. In hindsight...I realize now that my girl was suffering and the decision to let her rest, could’ve happened sooner. She always lay in the same position and lay down slowly, as if in pain. In denial, I told myself she had arthritis and once she was laying down she would always still purr and seem happy. So this cruel turn of events caused me to let her finally have peace and relief from her pain. That part tries to soothes me now. It was not deliberate, it happens to the best of hearts. That’s the only straw of comfort I have. I guess it comes down to, I did the best with what I knew. There was only one other choice and I wasn’t ready to make it. It caused me to finally let my girl rest. Any advice on how to come to terms with this and move on? I have to find a way, my girl would not want me to feel this weight for the rest of my life. She is now at peace.
  15. Dearest Gregg, I immediately felt your anxiety and apprehension when I started to read your message. I mean I felt them as my own. My heart is with you. I'm really concerned about Marble and hoping that someone who knows about FIP might be able to give you some insight. Perhaps put "FIP" in your post title? I don't know anything about it but I will try to read something on it. Did the appetite stimulant help? Please keep us updated. Susan
  16. Thank you so much for always caring, Kay.🤗
  17. You did the right thing for your sweet girl, JayJay. We all did. I need to keep telling myself, her suffering is over...her suffering is over...the only story I could ever be satisfied with is if I could’ve kept her healthy and forever. So the guilt is what I’m stuck with, as of course, that could never be. But hopefully in time I will reach that point where the sweet memories take over...wish I could fast forward.
  18. Archie is soooooooo precious and beautiful. My heart hurts for you. He will always be with you!!!
  19. Thank you so much, Kay. Part of me can't fight that feeling - that if I feel guilty, I must be guilty. I hope I can learn to distract my mind when I start to go downhill with guilt feelings so I don't spiral out of control. Oh, and Kay, I've also sent an email to my Doctor to see if I can try something for anxiety. Hopefully we will find something to help just a bit...anything would help....
  20. JayJay I really feel your pain. I'm dealing with a lot of the same feelings of guilt and wishing I had been able to see clearly, the things I see clearly now. Why is hindsight always so good? That absolutely sucks. One thing I keep trying to remind myself of, is that my girl is no longer suffering. Whatever she hid from me, whatever mistakes I might've made, she is no longer suffering now...she is at peace. She will never suffer again. The guilt that lives on in me and is raging, is evidence of how much I loved her. My mind keeps trying to think of ways I might've saved her, so that she would never die. But I know that isn't reality. She was suffering, and in the end, some of the things I regret, were done in an effort to end her suffering as soon as possible. I know Marty has an article where she says that sometimes we feel a need to punish ourselves in some way, and with time, we will feel we have punished ourselves enough. Does this pain really fade, does the guilt really fade? I would love to hear people post more about that, it would be reassuring. JayJay my heart aches for you. I get it. We, here, all get it, and we support you 100 percent. We are helping each other to grieve, and this is my greatest support!! I sometimes think back and wonder "how in the world did I reach the decision to let her rest?"...and then I tell myself "I saw her in obvious pain and from that moment, there was no question. She needed to rest and stop suffering"...now I tell myself that the ONLY way my mind would've EVER reached that conclusion, was because it was the right one. She was in pain, her quality of life was gone. It was time. I couldn't end her suffering fast enough. I hope that one day my heart and my MIND will finally let that settle in, and be the knowledge I live with. I hope for you, too, JayJay.
  21. I recalled today that my girl would eat a few bites then lay down nearby and I thought she didn’t like the food so I kept changing it up. Towards the end she’d also go to her water bowl and put her head over it, then leave. But I have a picture of her drinking water on Monday and she passed on Wednesday...so it was sporadic. That’s why I didn’t know until now that these things happened because her legs were weak. I feel so bad thinking that she was hungry or thirsty and couldn’t stand long enough and just went back to bed. I think it happened only in her last few days but any, is too much! I figured it out and started serving her food and water while she lay down...so her last two days she did eat and drink..,but I feel so bad or those times I didn’t realize!! Why did she do it sporadically so I thought she was ok? Why did she hide her pain? I don’t know how to deal with these memories in any health way. I know that it ends up that most animals do suffer before they pass because they hide it too well. Still, I feel guilty. I know she isn’t suffering now but I think the guilt will overtake me. I’m meeting with a trauma counselor on Tuesday. I really hope she can help me figure out a way to endure all of these overwhelming feelings. Thank you to all in this forum that try to help each other through our grief. You are each appreciated!
  22. Thank you GMS, I definitely think I will not pick up that med and request something for the anxiety itself. I definitely keep thinking of the same thoughts over and over and it’s killing me. I’ll send a message to my Doc and see what options are. Would it be ok if I send you a message? Thanks again for your input. I’ve had insomnia and lack of appetite so I’m a wreck and anything that could help even one aspect would be great.
  23. GMS I do the same thing, I keep wishing I could bring her back and when I realize I can't, I feel so tore up inside. I've been thinking of anti-anxiety meds and doctor actually prescribed something but it's just for the physical symptoms of anxiety, like rapidly beating heart, etc. I'm thinking maybe I need something to actually reduce the anxiety itself, if that is possible. I've been spending most of my time in my bedroom because she slept mostly on the couch in the living room...
  24. Oh yeah, that!!!! Exactly!!! Perfect.
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