Gracie4ever

Aw, that's too bad you can't have a support group online, I'd sure love to join it. But I understand about the internet. I have really slow wifi and an limited, too. Thank you for all you do, to help others! One of my elderly friends lost her dog two months ago and we've been trying to support each other. Also, I have some friends in another country who knew someone who lost her dog and she doesn't have support. The people around her don't understand why she misses her dog so much. I've been able to help her, too, just by listening and caring. There is a lot to be said for us supporting each other in our deep pain. Thank you, Kay!

There are three marks in the bathroom where Gracie would rub to leave her scent and I can still see them. I think I will leave them there forever, because as much as they make me sad right now, I want to keep them there. Also, kept her bowls and such in a bag in a cupboard, but may never let them go. Even a pill splitter with some bits of pills still in them. As hard reminders as they are, I also connect to them to love. I hope in the future, the love will be more felt than the grief. Thank you, Marty, for all of your support. I know you have helped soooo many through the years and continue to do so.

Thank you, Kay. These reminders are a testament to how much we loved them and they loved us. Thank you for your support.

Thank you, so much, dear Kay. You truly understand. I'm exactly that way, I overthink things to a fault, too. It's hard for me to imagine that I can feel guilt without being actually guilty. Just a few minutes ago, I started going even further back into my Gracie's life and thinking about food choices, etc...and tried to tell myself, "stop that, you're already in so deep, don't take it deeper"... And there are times where I think of everything through, and I reach the decision that I made the best choice, or that even if I had acted differently, I would now be finding some way to feel guilty about it. I just borrowed an online book from the library about pet loss. Trying everything I can. Nights are the worst. I've just been reading and reading online about pet loss and guilt, etc, and it helps me to cry. I'm not used to being kind or understanding with myself, it's easier for me to show those things to others. But I really do need to show them to myself. Thanks so much for your messages, dear. We are all in this, together.

Has anyone tried joining online support groups, like Zoom meetings? I'm considering trying one out but I'm wondering if the "live" aspect would too difficult.

I'm so sorry for your loss, dear Debbie. I lost my Gracie last week and the pain is constant and deep. My heart goes out to you, and is broken, too.

I feel kind of silly raising this question, but I live in a small apartment and every place reminds me of my girl. In the kitchen I always look at the spot where she ate, in the bathroom, she always used to like to drink from dripping faucet. The bedroom of course for the times when she would jump on my bed, but especially the living room couch because that’s where she slept. I removed my blanket and gave it to a friend because it just made me too sad to look at. I’d taken the first and only selfie with her about a week before she passed and it was on that blanket. I’m having the most trouble with the couch, because whenever I come in the door, I visualize her there. Does anyone have any suggestions how I might be able to soften this? A couple of days after she passed, I realize that I’ve been spending most of my time in the bedroom. Just posting this, I’m bawling.

What a beautiful remembrance bracelet for your precious one!

Marty I was curious to see if you offer any courses? I was trying to navigate the site but I’m not all that good with technology. I found one but it seemed to be from a few years back. Thanks so much, dear.

Thank you soooo much for this. I've had some positive thoughts and realized "I need to remember this!" but my memory is so bad. This chart will really help me. Thank you so much, dear Kay.

Yes, I look at photos of her, even a few months before, or a month before, and she looked so much better. I hadn't noticed the decline because I'd see her every day. I keep telling myself that I miss her when she was healthy and well, and remind myself that in the last few days she was obviously not well and there was no way to fix it. She needed to rest. But in any situation I am an expert at ruminating. I think of how she would eat some food and stop eating, and lay by her bowl, and I took it to mean she didn't like the food. So I kept switching up the food. But now I look back and think she wasn't strong enough to stay standing longer, plus her kidney disease was causing her appetite to wane. She had to rest in spurts. I was clueless!! But then I see pictures I took of her, even a month ago, she was sleeping in a happy position with head turned up and would purr when I pet her and stretch happily. You see, the thought my mind has now turned to, is, was it too late? Was she suffering sooner and should I have let her rest sooner? But I think as long as I saw those happy signs from her, there was no way I would've made that decision. And when she would lay by her bowl she did it so gracefully, I didn't get the idea she wasn't feeling well. Also, I had pain medication for her but it was the only one she could safely take and it made her so drowsy that I only gave it when I got indications she might have pain. Not all the time. And now I am regretting that, too. And it was compounded medicine, so it expired in April and I was still using it. But the Vet said it would still work, maybe just a bit weaker. But in the last two days I was giving it regularly and it wasn't helping her. And I knew it was time. All the guilt, all the painful ruminating, but I need to tell myself hindsight truly is 20/20 and that cats are notorious for not showing pain. And I loved her for 18 years and always put her first. She is not suffering anymore, not a bit, and I need to tell myself she wouldn't want me to suffer now, either. You're right GMS, there was no good option. Ideally in a perfect world, we'd want our pets to live to the very last moment they felt well, and rest peacefully the moment the pain starts. But there is no way that can realistically be done and they are experts at hiding it. There is no good option. Your words have helped me. Thank you sooooooooooooo much for your thoughts and words of encouragement. I don't have much support from people around me. It's SO TRULY comforting to have people like you to talk with. Thank you, dear. Your support means so much.

Are there any articles or info you could share about tips for reframing our negative thoughts when they come? For example, part of me keeps starting to think that it came as a shock and that two days before she passed I didn’t expect her to go and I regret not having more time with her. Yet, that actually isn’t true because as soon as she was in pain I wanted to end her pain. I wouldn’t have wanted to have more time with her as that would’ve meant more suffering. How can I start reinforcing the truth instead of the guilt?

I thank you for sharing your story. I grieve for you and invite you to keep sharing With us, as much as you need and want. This allows us to tend to each other’s hearts.

Thank you Marty for sharing all your precious years of experience with all of us! My mind has now switched from was it too soon, to was it too late? How long had she been hurting and to what degree? I’ve read over and over that cats hide pain and that hindsight is always 20/20. I wanted to go back and read old emails from the vet and ruminate about the past, but then I realized, no that is not a good idea. I did the best I could, and nobody could’ve loved her more than I did, and do. She was still showing signs of being happy, like purring and stretching when I pet her, until those last two days. Thank you for being here for all of us! I’m going to read that article now.

Thank you, Kay. I'm so dreadfully sorry to hear about the loss of your fur baby. My heart is broken for you. We'd have them for such a long time and it's hard to imagine life going on without them. I really appreciate your words and I will look at the links you provided. I know the decision was made because I saw her in pain, she had been going downhill and I just wanted the suffering to end. You are right. I just have to make my heart believe it. Thanks again. My heart is with you, in your loss. You're right, we would love to have them back in healthy conditions but they were in pain, and we couldn't allow that to continue. We helped them find peace.

My precious girl Gracie was 20 years old, or perhaps 21. When my friend gave her to me, she said she was "about 2 years old" so it was always a guess. She had different health issues throughout her life, allergies, arthritis, occasional vomiting. In the last few years, she went deaf, had digestive issues and kidney issues and diabetes for a short time, but that was improved with change of diet and insulin. She had other issues, too. She had what the Vet called, "competing health issues". Medication for one condition would interfere with medication for another, so we did the best we could. After a while she stopped liking the low grain food, so I kept trying different foods. She would only eat a few bites and lay by the bowl, so I thought she didn't like the food. Now in hindsight, I think she was in pain and couldn't stand very long. I feel guilty for not realizing that was a sign she was weak, but they do say hindsight is always 20/20. Still, I feel guilty for not realizing it. Her appetite was waning, but she still acted interested whenever I put something new in the bowl. For months I knew the time would come. I contacted a Vet that does in-home euthanasia, back in February, and even once before that, then told her never mind, Gracie is still ok. She would rally back. In the past few months she started sleeping in the same position or with her head in the corner of the couch. But other times she slept normally and with her head buried under, showing she was happy, and she would purr when I pet her. I still saw indications she was happy. I wasn't worried. Here and there I'd see a possible clue but then it would go away, so I wasn't sure what to think. I wished so much she could assure me that she still felt well. Last Monday, she had weakness in her legs and she would sleep in hunched positions. She would hover over her bowls but not really eat or drink. I ended up serving her food and water while she was in loaf position with her front paws out. Her stool had changed to tiny pieces and she seemed to age within a day. I saw her wobble on her back legs and I realized she was suffering. Two days in a row of suffering, I ended up using a Vet visit that was meant for lab tests, to have her put to rest. I kind of wished the Vet had warned me ahead of time about "euthanasia guilt"...because it came hard and heavy and is still here. The fact that I feel guilt makes me feel there must be a real reason for it. But trying to tell myself that is wrong, is very hard to accept. Did I do it too soon? She seemed to be walking better the next morning and even lay in a more normal position. I called the Vet, who said that we had hit the wall with meds and she had been on a downward decline for some time. I had wanted to have this done at home, but that would've required waiting longer, to make an appointment, and she already had this appointment with the Vet. And in the end I decided I preferred her Vet that I knew and trusted, to do it. She went peacefully, as peacefully as possible. I pet her until her head layed down. One of my friends drove us there and drove me home, and another friend came into the room with me and gave me the physical consoling that I so desperately needed. She looked tired, she needed to rest. Afterwards, the Vet told me she has told people before, not it's not time. My friend also said that since she knew I'd had second thoughts, that if my girl had any fight in her, she would've spoke up for me and said "are you sure"...but Gracie was ready. I think she wanted to rest. The guilt feelings are illogical, but as illogical as they are, I still feel them. I know they are, because how can I think "I let her go too soon" and "I let her go too late" at the same time?? And think that both can be right?? Also, another example, I felt like her passing came as a shock because days before, I hadn't seen it coming. That saddened me. Yet at the same time, I was relieved that her passing came soon after I saw her in pain, because I would not want to prolong her suffering for any reason. And she looked so good at least to outward appearances, until suddenly, she seemed to age and I knew she was unwell. I really hope that soon I can make these guilt feelings not plague me so strongly. I know that they seem to happen to everyone, but I hope soon they won't attack me so viciously. I want to say that last night I joined this group thinking it might be too hard to read other experiences, but I'm SO glad I gave it a try. I find that in reading your stories, I feel your pain and also feel your comfort. I read about other cats that had kidney disease, I think that's what was taking her, renal failure. Reading your stories was the first time I've been able to cry that really deep cry where my nose is all stuffed up and I can barely breathe. I need more of this, if I'm going to grieve my girl, properly. My heart is broken, and I know here, that you can truly understand my pain because you have felt the pain of losing your fur babies, also. Please know my heart aches for you as it does for me. They say in time, it will soften. My Vet just emailed me and said there are times she still misses her Edgar very terribly and it has been two years. In groups like this, we can find consolation from each other, comfort, and celebrate the lives of our precious pets. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your stories. My Gracie will be with me, forever.

FurMama my heart breaks for your loss. My Gracie went to rest last Wednesday, from the same symptoms. For two days she had wobbly legs and looked aged, as well, and was extremely thirsty and had kidney disease. I believe she was suffering from renal failure. She was almost 21 years old and I miss her terribly, my heart is broken, but I didn’t want her to suffer anymore. She had several health conditions and I just wanted to end her suffering as soon as possible. I’m now dealing with the feeling, did I do it too soon, too late, all the terrible guilt feelings. But I read your post and I know you did the right thing for your girl, you ended her suffering and it helps me to feel I did the right thing too. I wish you peace, you made the right choice for your fur baby.