Hi, I'm 22, I lost my mother to cancer 3 months ago and I'm in the mood to rant. I usually write this type of stuff on paper and burn it but I thought why not share it. It was all pretty sudden, after a turbulent 2 year battle with stage 4 lung cancer, she went into hospital for a respiratory infection and passed away 10 days later. I was abroad when it happened, working on getting my masters degree and unable to return due to travel restrictions until after the funeral and everything. So I didn't get much of a goodbye... A whole 15 second video call (courtesy of my brother) 3 days before she died. He held up the phone to her so I could tell her I loved her and I was looking forward to giving her the biggest hug when I got back. I watched her struggle to breathe as she repeated "I know, I love you", then I told my brother to let her rest because it was clearly hard for her. It has been 3 months now and I still can't stop feeling terrible about how it all happened. I know (because she expressed this) that it was hugely important for her to see me work towards a future, but going abroad and getting my masters is now my #1 regret. It's not that I feel guilty for doing it, because she played a big part in that decision. It just hurts a lot to have missed out on the end of her life... I know it must have been heartbreaking for her too, looking around her hospital room and not once seeing me there. People who have experience with grief, say it gets easier with time, but I'm really not seeing it. I wake up every morning feeling first the pain of the loss followed by the disgust with how it happened. I have completely lost my motivation to do anything at all... I haven't even visited her grave yet, and I'm falling behind on my studies. Usually she would be the first person I'd go to when I feel down and without her on my side I feel pretty lost.
