Katelemon

Thank you very much for your reply MartyT. My dad wants to stay in his house, and I don’t have the heart to have him put into a hospice. I also feel that taking care of him in his home is the least I can do after living overseas for all these years. I do actually feel some gratitude for being able to fo this for him. It is the grief, seeing the daily deterioration and the fear of losing him that I can’t cope with :(

My wonderful, handsome, kindest 70 year old dad has terminal cancer and I can’t cope. He started experiencing belly aches in January and it took until March for him to be diagnosed with colon cancer, until June to have his colon removed, and until September to start chemo. By the time he started chemo, he had full blown peritoneal carcinoma and lung and liver metastases. I’m angry at the doctors for taking so long to diagnose and start treating him, and I’m angry at myself for not taking better care of him. I had been working overseas for many years and only visiting for holidays. He did not want me to worry and tried to hide that he was sick. I left everything to move back home and take care of him 2.5 months ago but now it’s too late. He’s lost almost 50 lbs. He was already thin. His nose is dripping endlessly, he’s in pain, he sleeps all days, he’s having trouble eating and sleeping. He’s just so tired and frail. I cheer him up and tell him all day that he’s gonna make it, but I spend all my nights crying alone in bed. I never imagined that I could feel so much pain, sadness and despair. I Can’t imagine losing him and I suffer physically. I feel as if my heart might burst. I cry for the times we could have spent together during all those years I was studying and working overseas, I cry for the many more years of happiness he could have had, I cry because he’s the kindest, most generous man and never deserved any of this, I cry because I should have insisted more that he should have his health checked regularly, I cry because I feel that if I had come home sooner I could have gotten him better healthcare and his cancer could have been cured. I do everything around the house and I very much feel like I’m keeping him alive right now. I’m an only child, my parents are divorced, and he only has me. I feel so much grief and on bad days when he’s not doing well I get tremendous anxiety. We are in the middle of the country side and I’m afraid that if I leave the house to go anywhere he might get unwell and I might not be here to support. Please help me. I don’t know how to cope or where to turn. I can’t accept that he’s gonna leave me. I can’t forgive myself either, I just feel so, so, so sad, and I cry rivers of tears.