Sandi109

kayc, I wanted to say thank you for all your posts. They have been very helpful. I must admit am not doing well right now. For some reason it is hitting me harder in some senses now. The absolute shock was worse some weeks ago but now that full reality is setting in the pain is just feeling different. I don't know if this makes any sense. The fact I'm kind of isolated doesn't make it any better. At least I have my dad but he acts so upbeat and happy so much of the time I feel like I have to pretend to be happy which is taking its toll. My sister is very busy with her own life so can only talk to me every 2 to 3 days or so on average. And now that she is starting a new job it may be less than that. With how raw I'm feeling I really need to talk every day, even if just for 10 to 15 minutes. Not having my mom is making me feel alone. Terribly alone! So it is rough. I can't wait till we move away next year and are closer to my sister's family. It will be so much easier! I am so sorry about the loss of your brother in law. I meant to say something before and I forgot. It is not easy losing people we care about. And now you have to look out after your sister. My prayers are with you! Take care.

I'm counting on life in heaven to be much better than here on earth. We are here to learn and live out our purpose and then go on to a better life. There's got to be a deeper meaning and purpose to life. I am trying to find good in my days but it is very hard at this early stage. I have found moments where I laugh at something said or a joke on television but those moments are few and far between. It is tough to laugh when a big part of your joy is removed from the earth. Me and my mom were super connected to each other. Best friends! But I am doing my best to try to push forward with life. I just know it is going to be a super long road. Thanks for your support! hugs!

The fact that this whole thing is starting to be investigated does help a lot. Thinking my mom will get some justice is nice but the most important thing would be that no one else would have to suffer something like this. That means more than anything because we can't bring my mom back which is what I would truly want! I agree my dad is dealing with this tragedy a whole lot differently than me. I feel the need to talk and get my feelings out while he wants to just smile and pretend everything is okay. For everything to remain as normal as possible which is true to his nature. He hates any kind of change. I am trying to fulfill what I think mom would have wanted. To look after dad and make sure he is okay. He has aged a lot in the past month. It scares me actually. He looks so much more gaunt and old than before. He has an ear problem that makes it difficult for him to talk but it was never very obvious to others, mostly just to him. Now that my mom has passed, his ability to speak is getting harder and harder. I know I need to be strong for him for I want him to live for several more years. That does give me purpose at a time where I feel like shutting down and giving up. Some days I can hardly function. I have things I need to get done but I am walking around in a fog, it taking me at least twice the amount of time to do them. I hate the new normal but I need to learn to live with it. The lack of understanding on why this happened still plagues me and my sister. It wasn't fair. To think that she died (before being brought back by CPR) in an office she was so afraid of with none of her family in the room. Makes me cry thinking about it. Then she flatlined again after reaching the hospital. Given the length of time she was without oxygen the doctors said it was miraculous that she was brought back at all. That most 40 year olds who suffered what she did would never have made it to the ICU alive. But her heart was that strong. She always said she feared dying alone. Did she fight to stay alive so she could say goodbye to us and not die alone? I hope she felt comfort with us there by her side holding her hand and giving her little kisses. I so hope that is so and that she wasn't in any discomfort or fear! I pray that God gives me the strength to endure this for this is the hardest part of my life! The vision of her in heaven with her beloved grandparents and parents makes me happy and gives me hope for the future!

Thank you both. Right now am the caregiver of my dad who basically doesn't want to talk about my mom or what happened at all. We have been encouraged to seek legal counsel, even having the ICU make insinuations about investigating this death so that is where we are right now. The sooner the better we were told because the longer you wait the more the dental office can perform a cover up, although I don't see how they could do any more of a cover up than they have already done. Everything they do and say is rehearsed. Everything is about protecting them which is unbelievable to me. If I accidently did what they did to someone, I would be riddled with guilt. Saddens me to see how the real world operates. Just trying to get through day by day and having a very hard time. I basically have no one to talk to. My mom was my best friend. We had a very special bond and understood each other perfectly. She was very religious with a deep faith in God. We would talk about about the Bible and watch religious programs together all the time. Just hours before her fateful dental appointment we prayed the 23rd Psalm together. I've been very strong in my faith up until now and never doubted anything. Now I find myself questioning things I never did before. How could this have happened to my mom? She was so afraid of dentists and to have this happen with none of her family around her. She must have been scared. Will I see her again? I think I will see her. I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior and the Bible and she did as well. But part of me now feels this extreme fear of never getting to see her again. Never getting to tell her what an amazing mom she was and how I appreciate her. How she's made such an impact on my life. And then I begin to doubt. What if I'm wrong? I was wrong about not pushing harder against her going to that dentist. The intensity of this fear of never seeing her again has lessened but I still get it. I am basically obsessed with reading about Near Death Experiences and evidence for the existence of the soul type stuff. Gives me comfort feeling there is some type of evidence out there even if it is not absolute. I am dealing with a lot of emotions but I feel the spiritual aspects right now are the greatest. When I begin to feel better about seeing my mom again in the future I immediately relax. Doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened and how unfair it was. But just knowing she is okay and protected by God means everything.

I just lost my mom 3 weeks ago but the whole thing is such a shock and such a tragedy. She left for a simple dental appointment to have a crown that had broken off replaced and ended up within minutes of the appointment mostly brain dead. She was so scared of dental procedures so made sure to have conscious dental sedation everytime. This is where you get an Iv cocktail of a sedative, an anesthetic and laughing gas to help relax you and keep you calm. She has had this many times before with no problem but due to her advanced age she wanted to have a lower dosage and had requested this. She totally trusted these people which is so sad! As soon as she was injected with these medications she went into swift respiratory arrest which after a few minutes went into cardiac arrest. Based on investigating what happened, it looks like the dental office was completely untrained in how to handle medical emergencies. Nothing was done during the time she was respiratory arresting to monitor her airway or readjust her. No reversal meds were given either. And when she cardiac arrested they ended up having to find a doctor down the hall to help them. Because of this her heart rhythm was not brought back till the EMT's got there. But they lied about it to us and to the medical personnel who suspected it was false from the start. Because if it had happened as the dental office had stated, my mom would be alive right now. She would have recovered. That's what the head doctor at the ICU neurology department said. They said if she had been without oxygen just for a few minutes and then the EMT's got her heart going a few minutes later she would be looking far different. The EMT's knew it was suspicious from the start and so we were given very little hope for a recovery. In the end my 80 year old mom was left in a coma in an intensive care unit where none of her family were allowed to see her till her death was imminent. We all held out for hope that she would be okay but it was not to be. She was dying even being on life support so we had to rush in to say goodbye to her. So 10 days after that fateful dental appointment we held her hand and talked to her for over an hour. Gave her kisses and waited till the fateful moment the respirator was to be removed. Then we had to watch her quickly die. She turned blue and made the most awful noises. The worst of it was the pained look on her face and her eyes bulging. She looked like she was in so much distress! We had not been prepared for this at all. We were told her pain and discomfort would be taken care of. My aunt who works in intensive care told us how she should have injected prepared ahead of time with pain meds. At least 15 to 60 minutes ahead. That that's how it typically is done in her unit and that prevents what she called the death rattle. The vision of what my mom looked like at death haunts both me and my sister. The fact that she had to die involved in an appointment that she was scared to attend. She was simply looking for some comfort as they probed into her mouth and to think that right away she wasn't able to breath. What was she experiencing? Was she panicking? I can clearly see her face as I kissed her goodbye for this appointment my dad was taking her to. She was the sweetest, most gentle person in the whole world. She didn't deserve this! And if you knew the horrible things the dental office said to us. No caring or comfort was given at all. They were trying to lay the blame on our shoulders. I feel so much pain and agony over what happened that there are no words for it. From the investigation into this it looks like she was accidently overdosed. And she had asked for half the normal dosage for someone her age. And the office just panicked. Didn't know what to do. About anything. And then lashed out at all of us. They don't seem upset at all by what has happened. There voices are just cold and unfeeling. Our family is left in a shambles. I am lost now. My mom was my best friend in the whole world. I was suppose to protect her from unscrupulous people. This isn't a simple case of a mistake and the office feeling bad and wishing they could reverse it. This is a case of lies, cover ups, changing the story over and over, viciousness. I wanted her to leave this dental office based on things I was seeing from them but she refused. I feel extreme guilt over not pushing it further. Now look what happened. I just feel so empty, so much despair. How does one heal when a loved ones death is so tragic and premature? SHe might have been 80 years old but she had a really strong heart and no major health issues. She had a lot of years left. Longevity runs in her family. My grandmother died when she was nearly 92 and my grandfather at 87 . My great grandparents died at 87 and 88. She had time left. I know it is a long road ahead but I just don't know how I'm ever to find peace from this. This whole thing haunts me. I have never felt so much pain in my life and I have suffered.