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nashreed

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Everything posted by nashreed

  1. Boho, that really is an amazing story. A telephone dating service! I mean, that sounds awesome that people wouldn't see my picture, but hearing my voice would potentially be worse. The telephone was the matchmaker! What strikes me in these stories is the random chance of meeting our soul mates. Neither me nor Annette were even supposed to be living here- if things had gone the way they were supposed to for our parents. Annette was born in Portland, Oregon. Her parents met as missionaries and were saving and studying to be sent to work in Papau New Guinea! They were going to pack up the family (she had a sister and a brother), but her Mom developed Rheumatoid Arthritis (the family curse) and had to scuttle those plans. If things had gone as planned, Annette would have been halfway across the world! Annette's Mom had to live in a dry climate- Hello Hemet, California. I also, was not supposed to live here. My parents divorced and my Mom "fled" to here to get away from the L.A. suburbs and hide us two (me and my brother) out of spite. You have no idea how dogged and determined I was to win her back. I mean, she HATED me. I was a disappointment to her. I had let her down by not being who she wanted me to be at a time when she was very fragile. I didn't understand. I tried to prove my love in weird ways (because that's me). I got a license plate (ILUV ALD) with her initials, and she despised it. I had to prove to her that I would be there for her always, when everyone else let her down. I was always there. It's just so wonderful and so cruel how the fates that worked so hard to bring us together also took her away from me. I know we'll be together again, but it takes so long. I don't want to wait.
  2. That's sweet. I might have mentioned this before... My Annette worked at Taco Bell here in our adopted hometown (neither one of us was born here- thank God). It was actually a very nice sleepy retirement community back in 1988- known for having the street with the most banks on it in America, second only to Wall Street (not anymore, just maybe more meth heads on one street). I was a shiftless, restless 18 year old, already a year out of high school, making a half-hearted go at community college, but it was leading to nothing. I had had a job a year earlier at Carl's Jr. (this town was never a land of opportunity), which I got fired from after two months. I was hopeless, awkward, skinny and shy. My dear Aunt (gone many years now) suggested I apply at Taco Bell out of all the myriad possibilities in fast food, maybe because she frequented it (she was Mexican and loved spicy food,... So maybe not...)?? I didn't want to work, I didn't want to exist. I wanted to stay home and listen to my Smiths records and disappear (I was hopeless even then). But I didn't want to disappoint my Aunt (I got no encouragement from my Mom), so I applied and since I was young and able bodied (BWA-HA-HA), they hired me. Annette was younger than me (by a year and a month exactly), but had already gotten a GED and was a shift leader at Taco Bell. A harder worker than anyone I've ever met. She took pride in making food FAST (to the sometimes detriment of her health. She would have low blood sugars working "the line"). She was rather intimidating and I can't say it was love at first sight. She was scary. I started....and of course, I sucked. Very slow and terrible at making orders. I still cannot wrap a burrito. I was relegated to cashier. She was friendly, but her parents were getting a divorce so she was also going through a lot. But, after a few weeks, she saw that I was really struggling, so she called me out of the blue under the guise of it being "official Taco Bell" helpful advice, telling me what I could do to improve, how she could help. She later told me she thought I was cute and she thought I was going to be some great "guru" with all the answers to the mysteries of the universe. How wrong she was. We actually went on a date, (to see the movie "John Lennon: Imagine" because I was a big old nerd) but I was so hopeless (I didn't try anything) that she thought that there was something wrong with her, or I was gay or something. Again, she was going through stuff and I was a disaster, so we broke up (from a barely one date relationship), making work awkward... I spent over a year getting her back (call it stalking maybe). I made myself a nuisance, got in with her friends (maybe this built my confidence!)... Long story short, I won her over (or worse her down). It was worth it. I always knew she was the one. I did not give up.
  3. I know what you mean about the third season of "Twin Peaks". It's been said it's deliberately designed to frustrate the audience. Did you watch the movie? I would think that it would give you the closure on the first two seasons, I absolutely LOVED "Lost"....until the last season (I will say no more for now, though I could write a thesis on my opinions of it all). Annette and I both watched it and got WAY into it. Remember the days before the DVR, when if you wanted to record a show because you had to work you had to set the VCR to time record it and hope for the best? We had a rotating stack of overused blank video tapes we would keep recording over and over on. Good times. I had to buy ($7.99 a month) the streaming service Disney+, and my Mom has no idea (or refuses to learn) how to watch something on streaming, so it's up to me to be stuck watching two hours (no commercials!) of dancing and chatter from C-level celebrities and judges (though I do like Selma Blair and it's nice to see she's doing well). It's her favorite show and if it makes her happy, I should be happy to help. It's better than the usual drama/crime procedurals she watches (how can anyone watch something horrible like "Criminal Minds"? How did they allow that on network TV? It's like a weekly snuff movie). Sunday afternoon....ambition is lacking. My Mom reads her romance novels. I listen to music on headphones, and I surf the web, looking for ...something. Connection. I watch old 70's game shows at 3pm (dinner hour for me). Until then, it's keeping boredom and loneliness at bay. I get housework and things done in the morning. There's just no motivation in the afternoon.
  4. My life is the same morass of boredom and loneliness. I check in here several times a day but it's usually a ghost town. It doesn't seem to matter if I post or not. I can't imagine anyone missing my posts or anything. I love the outlet of this Forum, but I can't be dependent on it, because the responses and relationships are so fleeting and intermittent. Gwen, you and KayC are the most consistent posters, and following your lives is a bittersweet journey. You're good people who just seem to get the worst luck and though it makes my uneventful and relatively drama free life seem better, it breaks my heart that you have such monumental challenges. Gwen, it's just so hard to know what to say anymore. It's just so sad. I know what it's like to have nothing to look forward to, no reason to get up. I am starting to really ache and feel more pain and know that life is just going to get worse. I want so much for you to be happy or at least content. It's not weird to want to follow the lives of people you care about. I wish I had more to add, but I'm in a rut of my own making. I want to have a "life" and friends, but I'm just too scared to try. I hate my boring routine but any change to it stresses me out big time. Catch 22. I hate the weekends and now I hate Mondays because I have to put on "Dancing With The Stars" for my Mom and it's on during my music listening time. I hope I get points for doing something nice for my Mom. I say "Thank You" to my Mom when she does something for me, and she still thinks I'm being sarcastic because she's not used to it. She's difficult to live with sometimes, but I have to be good to hear while she's still here.
  5. I'm reliving her passing... because it is a tangible connection to her. The last time I saw her alive, the last things she said and did. I remember that she had had a drink of water and had spilled a little on the floor. Even though it wasn't much and it wasn't in her path, I still immediately wiped it up (hardwood floor), because my instinct was always "What If it caused her to fall?" There is one aspect to her death that I cannot get past. She had a severe low blood sugar that night- so low that the EMT's weren't able to get it back up. She had chronic kidney disease and her blood sugar was getting impossible for her to control. I really wanted her to get an insulin pump, but she was stubborn- she always managed it before....One of the odd things about that night, besides her not calling out for me and me not instinctively waking up to help her like I often did, was that she chose something strange to eat to get her sugar up. She always had easy to eat candy around in case of low blood sugars (she could have had milk or peanut butter), but she chose "Red Vines" (licorice) for some stupid reason- just tried to chew/stuff down a few strands. I don't know if she just was so out of it or what, but the EMT'S found a wad of them in her throat and her doctor believes she choked on them. I don't think that's possible. I found her on the floor, after falling out of her wheelchair, and she was snoring... She was really in a low blood sugar attack, but her breathing sounded normal to me- I don't think it was the candy obstructing her airway as much as she couldn't get the licorice to get her sugar up. The EMT'S couldn't find a vein (always a problem with her) to administer glucose and she was completely out of it. The low blood sugar led to cardiac arrest as far as I can discern, but her doctor believes it was a stupid and preventable accident and I can't accept that possibility. I can't live with that answer, because the guilt of that is too much. It's absolutely stupid to go through this stuff again, and I probably feel like I deserve to be tortured by this all again. But it's all I have.
  6. Well, now that I live at home, my Mom is always up in my beeswax- even though I have virtually no life. I don't tell her about talking to Annette or anything personal, but if I were ever to go seek outside guidance and support (for anything), she would know (or try to at least grill me about where I was).
  7. I wish I could get in touch with my spirit guides- I'm not sure who they would be. Annette must be so frustrated with me. I can't meditate. I can't shut down my brain and focus and relax- even though I try to be blase' about everything, I still worry about stupid stuff constantly. If there was such a thing around here, I would love to go to a meditation/yoga (well, I don't think I could do yoga) type place. I wouldn't get any encouragement from my family. They think it's absolutely stupid to entertain any type of spiritual or meditative pursuits.
  8. I am so, so sorry for your loss, Minerva. Nobody wants to have to become a member of this Forum, but there are sweet people here who have all felt the horrible pain of losing their soulmate. It helps to write out your thoughts and feelings. I wish I had found this forum sooner into my grief, but four days into losing my dear wife, I was already knee deep in having to move from our home and back to my mother's. I hope that you can feel a sense of community here, even though we're not "real" people. It's easier to be honest and yourself when you're not being judged by anything but your loss of your husband and the love you shared. We are all the same here- all one family in loss. James
  9. I wish that I could just feel connected to anything. I miss the conversations we used to have. We talked about anything- the news, her dreams, her feelings... My family only talks about TV and news in the simplest, superficial way. I know exactly what they're going to say before they say it. Annette could always surprise me. I guess I'm starved for attention. What I wouldn't give for even a friend to text with. I feel so abandoned. I used to get dirty spam texts- I don't even get those anymore. C'mon. To connect with her, I ordered up her hospital records from her last stay there, and I slowly go through them, just happy to see any little new bit of new information about her. Reading the nurses notes about how apologetic she was about not finishing her lunch or something. I just don't want her to see me in terrible grief down here, although I feel it in me. I want her to be happy and at peace and not worry about me.
  10. I'm afraid to let go of the guilt definitely, because that is sometimes the only connection I feel to Annette. She suffered for so long, and so I don't feel bad for her. I'm happy for her. I know she's in a better place. She was always a hard worker, with a strong work ethic, and it makes me smile inside thinking of her helping new souls navigate Heaven. I know she's happy. I don't know that I ever properly processed my grief. I had the focus of having to move within a month or so. I just carried on and repressed my feelings -as my family does. I actually wish I had that ache in my heart, that deep pain.... But it's just emptiness and loss. I don't know that I can feel love and loss deeply anymore, not until I'm with her again.
  11. That's terrible Kay. Your son sounds like a real jerk. You don't deserve such disrespect.
  12. Thanks. My Mom is "no pets", no way. It's a lonely life. It took so long to get to where my relationship with Annette was- completely understanding each other, having the same pop culture references, being so in love and being best friends. There's no way to even get anywhere close to that, so it makes me not even want to attempt to meet anyone. Again, the only people that are easily accessible around here are homeless and mentally unstable. Do they have "find a friend" apps or is that all just for "romance"? It's just easier to be alone isn't it.
  13. Every morning when I talk to Annette, I seem to apologize to her when my mind wanders and I stop talking. It's hard to maintain a monologue when you're the only one talking. I try to express what my thoughts are so that she knows what my intent is or why I do what I do during the day (which is usually not much). I hope she can't read my mind- I don't see how that would be possible. If we were both spirits than yes, that would be how it works, but I think I have to talk out loud to her. I just have to have that connection, however tenuous. I don't know that I could ever be on the level of "saint" that Annette was. I don't really try. I don't hurt anyone, I mean all I have are two family members. I just don't have it in me to volunteer or be a missionary or whatever. I'm selfish and lazy- I know this. I can't handle the pressure of thinking I need to "earn" my way to be with her. Aren't I suffering enough now? I can only be who I am. The more I'm with my family, the more inward and selfish and self-centered I become. I hope Annette understands.
  14. That's the trick- finding someone in person to talk to. Everyone seems so closed off and aloof, and I'm the least gregarious person imaginable. I keep meaning to maybe start attending a church, if only for some kind of connection- but I'm afraid that encountering an entire congregation all at once would be overwhelming. I keep thinking of finding some kind of support group, but to put myself out there, to tell my whole story to strangers- is that the way to go about it? I also am needing to prioritize my physical health. I found out recently I have rather pronounced osteoarthritis, and I was recommended physical therapy, so I will have to see what that madness will entail. I'm so friggin out of shape, it's scary. Why is it so hard to meet someone? I can't imagine meeting my soulmate in this day and age. It is so different here now. This town is full of mentally ill homeless people and I just can't deal with that level of uncertainty in new situations. This forum is my only tenuous link to humanity and sanity, but it doesn't come close to replacing Annette- and I just don't know how long I really want to keep fighting against the dying of the light, y'know, when you feel like the world doesn't care if you're alive. I just still struggle on one day at a time, trying to keep busy- listening to a lot of music and still buying CD's I can't necessarily afford. What else do I have to look forward to?
  15. It makes me so sad to think Annette might be trying to send messages that I can't get. I often think of what she could possibly send me within my very limited little world that would be meaningful. I have seen feathers (which are supposed to be a generic catch-all "sign") on occasion, and white or gray feathers aren't common because the main birds we have around here are little brown birds. The ultimate sign would be to see a Cardinal, our bird, but that's absolutely impossible in California. I did see an Uno card in the grass here, with a cut corner, which is odd. I can't imagine the Mexican neighbors around here are into Uno much, but I really don't know. It was our game, when she wasn't able to do much physically anymore. I wish I could dream of her, but lately in my dreams I seem to be trying to get with much younger girls with no relation to her (in my dreams I'm younger too- invariably they're "work" dreams from when I worked in retail in the 2000's).
  16. I don't really listen to Country music all that much, and really don't like modern Country, but I stumbled upon a Country song by Carly Pearce called "Show Me Around" that's sweet and fits this thread (sorry, I don't really know how to do links on here either). The hardest part of living is knowing my soulmate is not on this earth with me. Even people who haven't met their soulmate yet have the chance to still meet them. I have no hope for a future when who I'm meant to be with is gone.
  17. I think about this all the time. I often think I'm too dense or too wracked with guilt for Annette to contact me- and it makes me very upset. All I can do is tell her I love her every day, stare at her pictures before going to sleep and hope that she understands me enough to know how hard this is on me. I never ever blame her for leaving. I know that she's not hanging around- she's in Heaven and I hope she's living her best afterlife. No one deserves it more than her.
  18. You are correct Boho. I would rather eat my own hand than have a confrontation. My Mom is the master of passive-aggressiveness. Right now, I just don't see any reason to change myself. I'm just so down. Where I live is a big reason I'm so negative. I go out to have my little walk and talk with Annette behind the office here at the mobile park, and guess what!- a homeless person laying back there shouting at himself. I have no tools to deal with mentally ill homeless people and to have a retail job here in this town means that you deal with them daily, and I can't deal with that stress. Just my own encounter with a crazy lady at the storage unit the other day showed me that as much as I want to be aloof and uncaring, I still have a massive panic attack just trying to stay calm dealing with a stranger who is unpredictable and potentially violent. The person that I argue with the most on Facebook is actually a former high school teacher (who ran the school paper and I was on the "staff") whom I respect a great deal and it angers and saddens me that he believes the crap that is going around, all the stupid conspiracy theories and "don't trust the news". It's what killed my father-in-law (being a vaccine denier). I know you can't change minds. My only goal is to show others that are maybe reading these exchanges how ridiculous he sounds. It's an exercise in choosing words carefully.
  19. I appreciate it. I didn't mean to insult anyone. I'm truly sorry. In real life, I can't make friends, and the grade school friend I had in town has stopped being my friend. I don't know the reason. I just assume it's my personality, and it doesn't help that I have the general demeanor of loss and grief permeating my aura. I have nothing if not brutal honesty. Unfortunately, I also have no filter- and I'm afraid that I hurt Annette with words more times than I care to admit. She was sensitive, and I enjoy sarcasm and word games. Annette was so sweet and gullible- I thought it was cute to "fool" her, but I was just cruel. That's one of the reasons I have such a low opinion of myself. I don't think I'm a good person. I'm bitter and very awkward and unable to express any feelings but negative ones now. Most days all I have are interactions mixed with arguing with my ridiculous Facebook "friends" who are Trumpers.
  20. True. You're all I have, good folks. Of course, you can't hug in cyberspace. It's connection, but still impersonal, in a way. I suppose if you actually knew me in real life, you all would leave me too.
  21. Very, very spot on. That's what's missing in my life- empathy. Annette was the best listener. She was always there for her sister and father. She always listened to them, but they never seemed to ask about how she was. People are selfish. Most of you here have some friends, community, and/or children (for better or worse). I have a mother and brother who have no empathy whatsoever. How do I spend the rest of my life with no one that cares? I can't even keep one lousy friend? It's really hard to see the point of living.
  22. I feel like a jerk and a chump for saying I would want someone else. I'm just human, but I feel like wanting another relationship makes me look like I didn't love Annette enough. It's never going to happen. The only women who I would probably be able to relate to are widows, and they ain't having any interest in relationships by and large. It's absolutely ridiculous to even entertain the idea, and yet I do. A woman my age would want a provider, security, a sugar daddy. I am none of those things. The great thing with Annette was we were a team and she accepted me for who I was- what I could and couldn't do. I can't even imagine how stupid my dating profile would look. I suppose I could have had a fling with the Meth head, crazy woman who wandered over to my indoor storage unit when I was just going through the wreckage of my life (you literally cannot go anywhere in my town without getting hassled for money or something by homeless people), but she was a mess, strung out and I was afraid she might have knifed me. I was sure she was trying to get a ride or something but I didn't want that drama in my car (or the smell). And the Love Search rolls on.
  23. It really is a nice sentiment, and I would give anything to be with Annette again- but the thought of not having another relationship with a woman, for however long my miserable life is is just beyond depressing to me. My grandfather lost my Mom's mom in 1978. He remarried within the year. When his second wife passed, he married again, and had another relationship in there too somewhere. He lived to be 91. (He passed in 2001) It helped that he lived in a mobile home park chock full of older widows. Some men just need to have a partner (maybe most?). It seems women are, more often, ok with not having another relationship after their spouse passes- which makes it really f-ed up for men. The point is: the thought of having no one who cares about me, even half as much as Annette, drives me to bouts of depression that are devastating. I just would really rather be dead than face this life alone. Annette was one-of-a-kind, absolutely, but I don't want to be alone. Just to even have a female friend would be ok. I'm tired of living life like a ghost. I feel dead already. I go out into the world and people look right through me. I just can't face it anymore. I ordered the medical records from Annette's last hospital stay, about a week and a half before she passed. Something like 2,000 pages I'm going through methodically. Desperately trying to find answers why, and also to feel some connection to her. Anything. The records are in reverse order, so I'm reading them backwards in time. When she became lucid after a week of being completely out of it, the notes say that she just wanted to go home.
  24. Thank you. Another reason I would have trepidation about doing meditation is because my family would be completely aghast and against anything "hippie-dippy" in their view. I certainly would have to be doing alone. Annette would have been there for me with something like that, but I have no one now. I see you like soft rock. I love me some 70's mellow singer-songwriters. I'm not a big John Denver fan- something about his voice. But Gordon Lightfoot, Jim Croce, Bread.... All awesomeness. But it's not just "mellow" music that I can relax to. I can relax to Heavy Metal if it sounds good. I often wonder about my health, and if I don't take care of it, would that be considered a type of suicide. I don't eat great, though my A1C is good. Just what constitutes suicide? I know if I went into kidney failure, I would refuse dialysis- Annette always said she would have too. I just don't want to live that badly, but is that suicide if you refuse something that would prolong your life? I'm scared to death of not being able to be with Annette when I die, certainly much more worried about that than actual dying.
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