nashreed

I don't think I've ever really seriously attempted meditation. I guess I have a lot of PTSD from being a caregiver for my wife. I'm always "on alert" or on edge is more like it- anticipating the worst, even when I'm trying to be aloof. I live with my 86 year old mother and even though she is able bodied and not doing bad, she's having more "senior moments" than I'd like- dropping things, forgetting things, but not to an abnormal degree. I'm just super hyper-aware of everything, and to meditate and to be so relaxed actually scares me. I have no musical talent, but I have a decent stereo and listening to music "resets" my brain, so to speak. I have (I suspect) undiagnosed Autism and anxiety, so when listening to music everything has to sound "right". All instruments and sounds in their correct position on the stereo spectrum (I'm hyper aware to the stereo imaging when it's off). I find the most relaxing music for me is the music of my youth: 80's new wave, Paul McCartney, Morrissey. I will listen to anything except Classical and certain pop/boy bands. I can listen to New Age but I Iisten to recording details and sound quality, not to "relax". I have Type 2 Diabetes, but I was like this waaay before I was diagnosed. And I have virtually no patience to meditate. It's really something I should try, but it is hard for someone like me.

Wow, Chocolate, that's quite a journey you've been on, spiritually and emotionally. I wish I could find more peace, to connect better with nature and the spiritual world- but I can't turn my mind off. Material concerns and anxiety have me feeling like a ghost- a spirit in the material world.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am intrigued by your statement. How do you know your beloved husband is still with you. I lost my wife over two years ago. The one thing I know is that she is in Heaven. She suffered in pain for twenty years. Aside from a dream visitation and a couple of instances within the first week after she left, I have not felt her at all. I know she's not hanging around- and I'm glad for her. I talk to her every day, but I feel incredibly alone. I wish that she could be here on this plane and in Heaven. I just don't know how it works. We've all suffered greatly on this forum. I'm sorry you're here, but glad you're here. It helps to write it out. There is nothing too much for us to handle. We're very caring here. James

I wish I had the means and the wherewithal to do something like that, Sad- to spend my life in service and tribute to my wife. Unfortunately, I am lazy and not a people person. My anxiety might be an excuse, but it's real. I just don't care enough about others to do good- that makes me a terrible person, I know. I gave all I had in caring for Annette, but now I don't want to be around people... only if there was someone special. I try to do what I can for my Mom. It surprises and unnerves her that I actually do little things to help her out, that I try to be considerate- because my brother never is. I guess I still have little bit of who I was in me, but I don't want to be a caregiver anymore. Any little disruption to my pathetic routine stresses me out greatly. I can't handle any kind of conflict or problem. I just panic internally while outwardly trying to seem like I don't care. I don't think I'm worthy to be with Annette. I'm scared of reincarnation (if anyone believes in that here). Years ago, a friend of Annette's was into Tarot Cards and Palmistry and all that jazz, and she told Annette she was an old soul that was on her last life. I, of course, was a "new soul" on my first. Great.

Exactly. I'm not the same person I was with Annette. I'm selfish and lazy and have no purpose or direction in life. No wonder I can't dream of her. I don't deserve to.

I am so, so very sorry Gwen. It's not fair. It seems like if you're over 40, you either have your life- your person, and the friends you want and you are happy in that bubble.... Or life didn't turn out the way you wanted. You're alone, broken, damaged... You had your chances when you were young, but something bad happened. And these people are so full of baggage, sadness or drama. It's near impossible to start over after 40. Life didn't work out, tough break, now you're an alien in an uncaring landscape- like E.T. wanting desperately to phone home, except there is no home, and you're desperately waiting for the spaceship to take you away.

Hemet, in Southern California. We've had temperatures well over 100 for over a week straight. The fire started on Monday and it's really bad. The smoke is ridiculous.

The scariest part of being alone is knowing I'm going to die alone. I have hypochondriac tendencies, and I used to be able to complain to Annette about my little aches and pains- when compared to hers were nothing. She always made me feel better and put up with a lot. We were each other's caregivers. Now today, as I woke up to an apocalyptic morning with smoke literally everywhere because of a very nearby fire (you might have seen my sad little town mentioned on the national news), I am very aware that I may have to take care of my older brother. He's very sensitive to air quality and has breathing problems and has been coughing his brains out all night (he's been coughing all summer actually, because of allergies, pollen, dust- who knows). Unlike Annette, he never sees a doctor, takes no medications, takes no responsibility for his health. I am not going to be his caregiver. I am done with that. I can't do it anymore. The thought that I'll be stuck with him the rest of our lives is also very scary.

I am so sorry, Sheemie. That's terrible. I really don't know what to say to that. I mean, family is who you're supposed to count on no matter who else you do or don't have in your life. My family (mother and brother) drive me absolutely nuts sometimes and they are very emotionally closed off, but they're not bad people. I'm a total bum mooching off of them, living in their home (my childhood home, but my name is not on the owners paperwork), but they let me. There's always underlying guilt and passive aggressiveness under the surface, but they would never just abandon me. Unfortunately, we're three miserable people whose lives didn't turn out the way we wanted, and we're stuck with each other, because we're all we have. People, more often than not, suck. Selfish and self-centered, at least in my experience. Annette had so many friends throughout the years, but they always eventually flaked out on her, or betrayed her trust. I was the only person who was 1000% there for her, always. Unfortunately, I didn't establish any meaningful friendships of my own. I mean, friends exist right? They feel like space aliens or Santa Claus- not real. Other people have them. Maybe you just have to have money to have friends. All these "friends" I have on social media (who don't give a crap about me) with their posts about their friends and great times (on vacations, because they have money)... I guess they would lose their friends if they lost their means. These friends are just waiting to see what they can eventually mooch off of each other. Or people have friends because they're attractive, which I am also not. Sigh- I wish there was something I could tell you. I hate that you're facing the world alone. Know that I understand, sympathize and empathize. Don't give up (like I haven't myself- oops).

That's rough, Sheemie. I know what all of that is like. I was never able to have children with Annette (she had been through menopause before we even met- Diabetes). My family (I feel) think I'm just lazy for not working since moving back here. I make enough with Disability to pay my bills (barely), but I can't contribute financially to the household- but I've taken on all the housework and grocery shopping and trash, etc., leaving my brother to just work and be lazy when he's not at work. For people with their own mental illnesses, they (my mother and brother) are completely devoid of empathy and understanding about my situation. They put up with me because I'm family, but there's always a passive-aggressive "dig" muttered or implied. I'm not even able to have a pet (not that I could afford one). Annette's sister does not blame me for Annette passing- but I blame myself. As her caregiver, I should have done better. I can't forgive myself so easily. Holiday weekends are the absolute worst. You feel you should be out with family having a great time. Sure. It's so lonely. I hope you can make it through this weekend and find some solace that there's some people here who care, Sheemie.

That's gotta be the saddest thread title ever. I know what you mean, but it's just devastating to think that any hope of ever being loved by someone ever again in this life is over. I can't be with Annette, and I don't want to be alone. I can't reenact the movie "Ghost". I'm stuck in this miserable plane of existence and I'm only 52. It may be wrong, or cheating or whatever, but part of me would love to have a companion again, just a female companion to share life with. It's impossible I know. Everyone wants marriage who isn't married already, a provider. No one wants just a confidant or friend, not at 52. The hopelessness and despair about the situation is overwhelming. This is how I die- alone.

We all deserve love. Now that I've lost it, it's hard to even be motivated to wake up in the morning. Nothing to look forward to, not a friend to be found. I put in a lot of work with winning over Annette. I was a weird, super skinny nerd, and had no social skills. She put up with a lot- she was patient. She resisted us being together, because she felt that she was unworthy of love. I was always there for her, and she slowly realized that I would always be there for her. I was dedicated to her. How am I going to spend years without someone after being so loved and blessed with her companionship? Nobody cares if I'm alive, except my Mom. It's a struggle and it's exasperating to spend my days with my Mom. Her hearing is so bad, she can't understand half of what I say. She is so stubborn, she won't get hearing aids. She's stubborn enough that she hasn't had teeth in years, maybe decades. Probably hasn't been to a dentist since 1955. I just miss coming home to someone I like, someone cute that makes me laugh, that I can make laugh. I just can't wait for this life sentence to be over.

You're lucky that there's a television personality on that you can watch and feel that connection to your husband. At least there's the comfort of seeing mannerisms and expressions that you can take to heart and imagine it's him for a moment. Really, Annette was so truly unique, and the only celebrity even remotely close to her, that I can see her in their appearance and expressions is Mindy Cohn from "The Facts Of Life". The character and that show are rather broad and it's not something I really want to watch now, but I caught her on an old 80's game show and it felt like a young Annette. I don't know why everyone is so self involved or uncaring. Maybe they're afraid of their emotions. Annette was so honest and loving and caring and not guarded at all. Of course, it was just for me and her immediate family. I just am so tired of being so lonely. Nobody wants to have anything to do with me. How do you get total strangers to become close, when you have all this emotion that's suppressed for two years with no outlet? It gets to be a prison, a wall you build around yourself- brick by brick. Wall yourself in. It doesn't matter anyway. I've got a major problem. The old cell phone that I have all of Annette's voicemails on is not coming on, and if it's dead I don't know what I'm going to do. Why do they make these damn phones to only last a couple of years, if that? (Well, yeah, I know) I transferred a few of them over into emails to myself as a backup, but I didn't do them all. I thought to transfer them all, but was told that I couldn't reactivate the phone because it's obsolete. You can't just easily transfer voicemails over, but I could send them to myself in a text. I just need this stupid old phone (it's not really old at all) to exist as a listening conduit to store the voicemails. I'm going to have to take it somewhere and hope it can survive. Sigh.

It's very fortunate that Annette passed first, as terrible as that may sound. She felt she was a burden to me, even though she wasn't. She would not have wanted to be a burden on anyone else, and she had so many medical issues, including impending blindness. She really wouldn't have had any good options of where to go. Her sister would have taken her in, but that would have been imposing on her sister's life- her husband, and her many dogs. It would have been very hard. She couldn't go to her father- he had a wife and he was living there with his wifes daughter and sons. She would never have wanted to live in a facility. At least I had somewhere to go.... It was better this way.

She was only 49. When I woke up to a thud that night, I ran in to the living room (she had her hospital bed in there) and she was in the kitchen, head down on the floor because she had fallen out of her wheelchair. She was snoring. She had had another low blood sugar, but this one was really bad. They had been getting more and more serious- so low, that EMSA had to be called several times. She has tried to eat some Red Vines to bring her sugar up, for some reason I'll never know. There were many other things that would have been better. Why didn't she call for me? I truly hope that she slept through it all. When the paramedics got her on a stretcher is when she stopped snoring. Apparently, she stopped breathing, and they couldn't get her sugar up....but she was alive when she left the house. I knew it was bad, but I didn't think she'd die. I knew it would be another hospital stay, another one where I couldn't see her, but I didn't think she wouldn't make it. When I went to see her after she passed, it still didn't seem real. She looked so peaceful. But, she had a tear in her eye. I wiped it away. I hope and pray she wasn't in pain, that she didn't feel them do chest compressions. Who knows if her ribs were broken or what. As I lay here, for another lonely night of sleep, I secretly wish to die in my sleep. Sure, I'd be bummed to miss the rest of Big Brother's season, but I don't want to live anymore. It's just pointless without love. I could do it before I knew what love felt like, but now I know that it's a meaningless existence without it. I truly believe in the afterlife. Why are people so gung ho about life here? If you're rich I guess it's great. I have nothing else to live for.

Don't ever apologize for being long winded, V.R. You can write a novel on here. That's what it's for. I try to articulate all the abstract ideas about death and the afterlife and the future on here, for my own sanity. Nobody in the real world gives a hoot, so this is why we're blessed to have this forum. Every morning, I try to wake up before my Mom (when she eats breakfast, she has this super annoying habit of slurping her hot tea). I'm at the table, eating my cereal, and listening for any sounds of her snoring or bed creaking. Her bedroom is right next to the table, and her door is wide open. I have to make sure that I hear something before I leave for my walk. I did hear her stir, so I left. As it was, she overslept (she usually is up by 7). So, every morning I worry that one morning I won't hear her- that she'll be gone. Will I feel it? Will I know something's wrong? Probably not. She sleeps stone still mostly, always in one position. If I think I have no life and nothing now...I can't even fathom what I am when she's gone. If I stop taking my medications, start drinking, start eating too much black licorice.... Is it killing yourself? What really constitutes suicide? Can it be just slow neglect of your health? Knowingly not taking care of yourself? I have no interest in a long life. I'd love to be dead by age 60. What's the point of living? Once my Mom goes, I really have no reason to be here. Unless they start a new show- Love Island: Creepy Mid-Life Crisis Edition- there's no happiness in my future.

Oh boy, V.R., don't get me started. I bought 45's with my brother as a kid, vinyl, cassettes, I even had an 8-track phase. I'm a music hoarder and so is my brother. He's big into vinyl, and has hundreds, but I find vinyl to be cumbersome. To hear vinyl properly takes a lot of work- a good turntable, cleaning... CD's are much easier to deal with. Y'know, this year is the 40th birthday of the CD! I have hundreds that are nearly that old (1983-85)- not just the music but the actual disc. Those often sound better than the ones that come out now, and they still make CD's- just not many people buy them.

Wow, Media Play is a store that I have not thought of in a long, long time. It was an awesome store. It used to be so fun to browse there and at Best Buy when they had a HUGE CD section, and I worked for FYE/Wherehouse Music for 11 years. All gone now. I mean, I love Spotify and couldn't live without it (I'm listening to it right now), but it killed music stores along with the Napster and file sharing. I still buy CD's off eBay. I don't need any more CD's, with around 7,000, but I don't have anything else really going on in my life at all, so... Maybe part of it is getting older, but I never had a group of friends to abandon me anyway. I often think of the Spirit World and how it might be like another dimension that the living can't access- but it's right there going on simultaneously. I feel like an inter-dimensional being, like I'm a ghost. No one pays attention to me. I just wander this dimension, but I'm separate from it. I don't feel connected to it. People see right through me and past me. I don't want to keep not mattering, but I don't know how to make friends- not at this age. At 52, you're either ensconced in your life and have your wife and friends, or you feel like you might as well be dead. There doesn't seem to be any way to get a new life at this point. My sister-in-law doesn't get it. I feel like she think I should have pulled myself up by my boot straps by now, when she has a career, a ton of friends, a husband, two kids, grandchildren.... I will never have any of that. She has never been one to not be in a relationship, and she's been married three times, twice to total jerks. At least she texts me. No one else does.

I have never seen The Sopranos in my life, but I'm pretty sure the creator confirmed that it was as simple as that. Sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct one.

It's really annoying how I only seem to dream about work- even though I haven''t worked retail in 12 years. It's often me desperately trying to get customers to leave the store after closing. I enjoyed being a walking music trivia machine, before Wikipedia took all the fun out of that. There are barely any music stores around anymore. There's a lot of little hipster vinyl stores, but I enjoyed working with CD's, when nobody wanted or cared about vinyl. I remember when I had the idea to start ordering vinyl at the used CD place I worked at around 2008. They thought I was nuts. There's nothing more lonely than going to the grocery store- alone. All these people with spouses or family. I see attractive women who are way too young for me- no one I'll ever meet. I just won't ever have someone again. There's just nothing to look forward to. Life can be so random and unfair.

Oh yeah, Gwen. This fall on NBC- Mondays at 10. My brother is super excited. It's supposed to be the same timeline as the original, so Sam (Scott Bakula) will be mentioned, and a part of the mythology. I hope it's good.

Well, I'm living with my Mom and brother, and they're not moving. I feel obligated to at least stay to be with my Mom. She just turned 86. No problems (thankfully) other than some rather annoying hearing loss. This is where I met and fell in love too. For better and mostly worse, it's home.

Annette knew she would not live a long life- that the Diabetes would get her. She was the smartest person ever, and she tried to take care of her health but things happened, bad decisions were made. I feel so responsible for a lot of it. I swear, it's like I'm in purgatory being punished for not taking care of her. My hometown is a ghetto now and I can't even go for a Diet Mountain Dew run without being shaken down for money by a homeless person. Dang it, dude, I'm not too far from homelessness myself. I don't have money to just give away. Thank God Annette didn't have to live here with it the way it is now. Thirty years ago, it was safe. I actually worked overnights at a Shell station here. I go to the same one now and it's scary as hell. There's a liquor store across the street and it's like The Walking Dead with all the bums, meth heads and downtrodden. I would never go out at night here now.

Hi Boho, If you check out "Twin Peaks", keep in mind to suspend disbelief. It is definitely a mood. The town, the mystery and the paranormal are characters as much as the actors. It is not a conventional narrative by any means, and a lot is left for the viewer to ponder. Annette and I had many a conversation about what it all meant. It's better to leave some of the experience to be a mystery. I cannot tell you how invested we were in the show "Lost"- thinking it was absolutely the most amazingly written show ever, until the final season where it all fell apart. The writers were making it up as they went along and the finale was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Turned me off of dramatic TV shows for the most part.

Awesome! The second season's subplots get a little silly, but the final episode of the season will blow your mind! I remember it aired a couple of months after the previous episode and there was such a anticipatory wait, and it was so worth it. Next is the movie "Fire Walk With Me". Very important to see for when you watch "The Return" (Series 3). The movie and third season don't have the limitations of American network TV, so there's nudity and disturbing stuff but also very beautiful imagery. Don't give up on "The Return"- it is very weird and VERY leisurely paced, but it will make sense (well, as much as it can make sense). Of course I remember "Soap". My Mom doesn't like sitcoms, but there are three that have made her laugh out loud- "Big Bang Theory", an obscure 80's show called "Marblehead Manor" and "Soap". Very innovative for the time- ahead of its time really. There are not that many examples of really daring, groundbreaking TV shows in America from that era. One was "Police Squad", which lasted six episodes and "Battlestar Galactica" which was the most expensive show produced per episode, probably still holds the record for a network TV show (not counting "Game Of Thrones" and all that streaming jazz). I was also a big "Quantum Leap" fan, but am wary of the new reboot. I tend to like game shows and competition shows mostly these days, except for the comedies "Ghosts" and "Welcome To Flatch" which are brilliant.