nashreed

Well, I just looked at her death certificate today. I honestly didn't remember the time until I looked. I've just been searching for meaning- trying to understand. I need to send the death certificate to the hospital she was at for two weeks where she almost died. She was discharged to a rehab facility, but she refused to stay there. I would not have been able to visit, but also I think that she knew her time was short. She never would have been able to tell me that she felt it was almost time. I would have freaked out like no one has ever freaked out before. She decided to come home. She just wanted to be with me for that last week. When I was finally able to talk to her when she was in the hospital (she was in severe kidney failure apparently, and incoherent), she off-handidly mentioned that she had almost died. We both brushed it off. I couldn't deal with it properly. I just have to know more about that visit. If it wasn't for damn COVID, I would have been there with her day and night, talking to her doctor daily. As it was, I got information in bits and pieces. When she refused to stay at the rehab place, her doctor seriously advised me to keep her there, but she wanted to be home. I couldn't do that to her. I just need more answers to what happened. It's something to do with her and I am so lost without her, without being her caregiver. It's all I have.

The strange, sad night that Annette passed.... I didn't feel her leave this earth. I felt nothing. She had had a severe low blood sugar incident that night (WHY didn't she wake me up???). By the time the paramedics arrived, she was in cardiac arrest, and they could not get her blood sugar up because her veins were "thin, deep and they rolled" (what she always told phlebotomists). I knew it was very, very bad. I was most worried about them having to put in a tube for her to breath- she was not breathing well, and I was worried the chest compressions they were doing would severely hurt her ribs, but they took her in the ambulance and she was alive when I saw her leave the house. I couldn't hear her anymore (she had been snoring after she had fallen out of her wheelchair and landed on her knees, head down toward the floor- that's how I found her when I heard her fall (WHY didn't I wake up sooner???))... but she was alive. It would be another long hospital stay, I thought. I couldn't follow the ambulance (damn, damn COVID), so I waited. I got a call from the ambulance soon after telling me they were taking her to the hospital in town she hated, because it was closer. Okay- not ideal, but she was on her way. She was alive still. I waited for a phone call from the hospital she hated. It was sometime around 2am. I waited until almost 4. They never called, and I had to call them. They coldly told me she was gone. Her death certificate says she passed at 2:28 from complications from Diabetes, but also lists her being overweight, congestive heart failure, kidney disease, obstructive sleep apnea and her Rheumatoid Arthritis for good measure as contributing factors. WHY did I not feel her leave this earth at 2:28am? Why did she not come to me and say goodbye then? Why did I still have hope for a good outcome? Did I not have enough of a connection with her, even though we loved each other so much? It just really bothers me still. I just don't know why I didn't know. I have read so many anecdotes about loved ones feeling losses in their chest or seeing something that let them know. There are still so many questions I will always wonder about. It's always going to bother me. It just makes it all the more sadder. James

I'm a big enough music nerd that I like anything from the 70's and 80's (except show tunes like "Cats", one musical Kryptonite I forgot to mention) and have equal love for Pet Shop Boys and Rush- two of my favorite groups as a teen. The music from when you were growing up is always the best. Annette and I could always agree on 80's hits, and I curated playlists for our listening by year. She was pickier and there were some 80's artists she inexplicably hated (Spandau Ballet comes to mind for one). She loved the Rush song "Subdivisions". Some songs will always remind me of her. She didn't like 70's sitcoms. Shows like "Sanford And Son", "Barney Miller" gave her the willies for some reason. I rented a DVD season of "All In The Family" one time and I had to watch it alone. She was much more a "Little House On The Prairie" girl, or any 70's action show like "Six Million Dollar Man", "Wonder Woman" (not the cop shows which were a totally different vibe)

Hmmm.... Interesting. Well, you can't win the Lotto if you don't play (and I spend all my free $ on CD's).... but if I won.... It would depend if my Mom was still here. I imagine I would buy a lot for her (she's always wanting something ), including a new house. I would imagine she would want to stay in the area. If she was gone, I might move to Georgia and be close to Annette's sister- the only person who remotely likes me and considers me family. My brother....ugh. I have to love him but he drives me absolutely insane. Needless to say I would buy a $50,000 stereo.

Dang, I'm sorry Kay. It must be really hard. Please give us a rundown of all the highs (?) and lows when it's over so we can share in the pain and struggle.

Indeed. I have a wide range of music that I'll listen to. Exceptions besides Classical would be vocal music that's not in English, modern Country and I have a serious disdain for boy bands. I guess it's my Asperger's. When listening, everything in the mix has to make sense. A lot of modern music sounds so cluttered and dense that you can't discern individual instruments, and that irritates me. Good, well produced music is a gift. I much prefer music to TV, but alas, can only get a couple of hours in on the stereo, if I'm lucky.

Mmmm.... Can't sell me on Classical. I can handle Progressive Rock to a point, but there has to be a beat and a "focus" (for lack of a better word). I think that something in my wiring makes me agitated when I hear Classical music (film score music as well). Too much dynamic range. The loud to whisper quiet thing really bothers me. Makes me angry. There's some regular music that employs that to a degree and that's always going to be my least favorite music. There has to be a song in there, a connective thread. I'm not a jazz guy either unless it has a structure. I worked with a Classical music snob guy for years at the music store I managed (remember there used to be music stores with dedicated Classical rooms!). Wouldn't listen to anything else, and it certainly colored my view of how elitist Classical listeners can be.

I guess my post was taken too literally. I often hear people say "Oh, I don't watch TV, I'm too busy" or "I only watch movies" (which, to me, unless they're on the big screen are a bore) or "I'm hip and I don't even own a TV" like TV is a lowbrow form of entertainment. I think TV is great. Think of how in the 50's, everyone basically connected through it because there was so little choice- everyone watched the same thing. I was hoping for a thread that others could participate in, tell how TV helped bond us to our soulmate. I don't know what Heaven will be like. The thought of the only music available being Celestial Choir music is very unappealing (I can't stand Classical music). I hope that there's a place for "lowbrow" entertainment like some rock n roll. My idea of a Heaven would be to listen to Beatles or Rolling Stones or any number of bands albums on an equivalent $100,000 stereo- perfect sound. Not to knock Heavenly harp music and praising God all day, but I want to be with Annette and just love her and have some semblance of what our life was, even if we're just spirits. It's a lot to think about for the fun of it. I know that there's no happiness here on this earth for me anymore. All I have to look forward to is what awaits me on the other side, and being with Annette.

It's kind of an odd thing to think, but I do. TV is a good thing, and throughout my marriage to Annette, it provided hundreds of hours of entertainment, catchphrases and conversation. A TV show kept our relationship together when it was at a very fragile place. We had broken up after a short period of dating, and I did everything I could to reinsert myself into her life, including ingratiating myself with mutual friends. It was work, hard work. As we slowly started to talk again, we found a shared interest- the TV show "Twin Peaks". She had watched the first season when she lived with a friend, but they had a falling out and so for a time she had to move back into her Mom's house. The second season started in the fall of 1990. There was absolutely no way her Mom would let her watch it at her house (her Mom was very religious), so we made a standing date night (well, we were definitely just friends in her mind at the time) to watch "Twin Peaks" together Saturday nights (when they actually showed new programs on network TV that night). We were like gypsy nomads- every Saturday trying to find a place to watch it. It was usually at my Mom's (but my Mom didn't like us in my room with the door closed...), but sometimes it was at my grandpa's, or mutual friends. It was a struggle- nobody else liked this show but us! It was the beginning of the "Us Against The World" feeling that became our life creed. It brought us closer together. That show formed us. It broke my heart when, in 2017, it was revived, and we tried to watch it together- but she would always fall asleep during it. It was her combination of severe sleep apnea, opioid dependence and the fact it was slow moving and very, very weird. I ended up watching most of it alone. She was much more keen to watch reality medical shows and news in her last years (stuff like "Dr. Pimple Popper" or "Untold Stories Of The ER"). On a visit home in 2016, I started watching"Big Brother" with my family. I had never seen it, but they watched it religiously. I became hooked, and came home with a massive addiction to it, and she got hooked as well. We binged all the previous 15 seasons in a couple of months. It was our big show. She was so into it she would watch the YouTubers that commented on the live feeds (watching the houseguests 24/7- for those that don't know, it's a competition show where strangers are filmed 24/7 in a house, playing competitions and trying to survive "elimination"). With her poor health, limited mobility and as the years went by, it was one of the few things she had to look forward. Now, it's summer again, and "Big Brother" is getting good and I watch it without her.... Hoping that see is able to watch it with me. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to a show being "yours", enjoying just being bums and watching TV and just being together. I will always miss it.

I don't dream about Annette very much, if at all. My dreams are so complex sometimes- she might be in there somewhere. I mentioned that I had one very vivid dream where I really believe it was her visiting me, but only once- Christmas Eve morning 2020. I often think she's mad at me for something and that's why she doesn't appear in my dreams. I'm always dreaming about old jobs- often involving trying to get people out of a store at closing time. I'd love to hear your two experiences, Sad. I'd believe.

I felt responsible for her passing because I was her caregiver. It was my job and I feel I failed. I've only been good at one job ever, barely (retail music store manager, because I was passionate about music- not because I was great at customer service or management. I had to have my assistant do my financials when I ran a store). I just have to remember that Annette doesn't blame me. I KNOW she doesn't. It's just hard to get that through my thick head. I don't want Annette to look down and see me guilt-wracked and miserable, but it's hard not to be. I can eventually let go of the guilt, but I'm always going to hate where I've ended up, where life has left me.

Thanks Boho, It's not like I do anything sinful on purpose. I try to not break any commandments, but I have a lot of guilt that I don't pray more (what do I have to praise God for? I know that that's no excuse, you praise Him because He deserves it, not because your life is good or bad). It is comforting to think of your opinion. I certainly believe, I just am fallible. I'm sorry this has gotten so religious. I'm not pushing my beliefs on anyone here. It's very important that my beliefs are clear. Annette was very adamant about so called Christians not pushing their beliefs and making a "show" of their worship. It's personal and private.

Sad, I am absolutely intrigued by your post. I am someone who believes in an afterlife. I don't know if it's a religious Heaven that we go to (coincidentally, on my Spotify an obscure Dolly Parton song called "There" about Heaven came on). The only thing I have been absolutely sure of my entire life is that when Annette passed, she would be in Heaven- whatever that entails. I have been visited by Annette once in a dream- only once. It was very real and I believe it was her, not just a dream. Unfortunately, my mind is such a schizoid mess and my dreams are complicated and convoluted. I don't think Annette could get through if she wanted to or if she tried, and it breaks my heart- but I can't clear my mind. I have the attention span of a gnat, and wouldn't be able to meditate if my life depended on it. I believe I'm not able to "receive" any messages she might be able to send. I would certainly believe your amazing life changing experiences, but understand if they're too personal to explain. I admire you greatly, as I feel that I'm not a good person. I'm not a bad person, but I'm selfish and don't go out of my way to do "good". Am I deserving of Heaven? I really don't know. The further out from Annette's passing, the worse person I become. Do I not love her enough? It's all very difficult to sort out. I have faith and I know I will be with Annette again (although doubting my worthiness is the same as sometimes feeling not guilty but mostly feeling tremendous guilt about not being a better caregiver). My big fear is that Annette will be mad or disappointed in me when I do see her. I want to be a better person, to make her proud, but being weak and lazy is a character flaw that is hard to shake. Thank you for your post.

I am so sorry Sheemie. I lost my wife to Diabetes. There were other factors at play, but it all began with Diabetes. Annette wrote me a breakup letter, some 33 years ago now, and what really stands out to me from it is that even then, so young, she wrote "Diabetes is hell" (she referenced it as a contributing factor in her moodiness and issues, as she was struggling with it at the time). I have such guilt that I should have done more for her. Why didn't I force her to use a wearable insulin pump. She took pride in her control of it, but she just couldn't do it anymore and I was in denial. I never, never wanted to get on her about her weight, to make her feel bad about herself. We did the best we could at the time, but made so many mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel guilt (because I know she wouldn't want me to), but most days I do- so I know exactly what you're feeling. I have felt all the stages of grief all in one day at times, still feeling them in random order, constantly. There is no order to it. I have thoughts of us trying to navigate COVID together (Annette passed only two months into it, but we were already sick of wearing masks to her appointments). I couldn't visit her in the hospital when she had her last stay there, and important things happened then that I never got answers to because of damn COVID. I'm just glad she didn't get it ever. Her worst fear was not being able to breathe and I don't know how I would have protected her. I am so very sorry. Why is life so unfair. Good, beautiful people pass away so young and yet pieces of human garbage like a certain former president lives on and on.

Thanks KayC, I have been on disability since before I had to move back to California. Unfortunately, they don't up your $ based on where you live, and California is SO expensive to live in. The rent prices are ridiculous. My family is lucky to live in a mobile park where the rent (for California) is super cheap. We've lived here since 1974. I grew up here. It used to be such a nice park. Now it's trashy and ghetto, like the whole town has become. My family owns the mobile home, but my name isn't on it- so I don't feel super secure that I will be able to mooch indefinitely. I honestly don't know what Annette would want for me after her passing. I know she would want me to be happy, but she also knows where I had to crawl back to. If the situation were reversed, she would have had nowhere to go (but probably her sister's, but her sister has a husband and several dogs and it would have been less than ideal for her). She wouldn't mind if I remarried, but I have zero social skills, no money and no chance. I've thought about trying to find a support group, but it would be so difficult to talk in front of a group. On here, I can articulate my words and compose them exactly how I want. Talking is not my forte. I also have a thing (I don't know if it has a name) where I cannot stand to be overheard. If I have to make a phone call, I have to be isolated- even having to be in my car often. Even with two other people here, who are my family!, is difficult. If there's just one I'm talking to, it's fine- but if both are in the room, I am more reticent and quiet. If I'm talking to my brother, I don't want my Mom to hear the conversation. It's just another quirk that's been amplified since her passing.

It's hard to live it. I never set anything up for a life without Annette. It was so hard to get her to marry me, move away on our own and all. I just wish I would have made some kind of friendships, but I didn't want to spend any time with anyone else. Now I'm paying for it. I just feel like a phantom that exists on this plane of existence, but I don't belong in it.

Sad, That's just such a heartbreaking story. I can't imagine calling the suicide prevention hotline and getting someone rude. You need a different job lady. I thought about calling....well, texting. They have that option now. But, it wouldn't be a "real" conversation. I can't imagine it would be anything more than scripted. I admire you greatly, Sad. I wish I had your pluck. As much as I hate my routine and my life, I freak out when my boring routine is upset. I wish I could move to Asia, but I can't even handle English. Truthfully, I just don't know how to carry on caring. Life just doesn't seem to matter without someone to share it with. Life means nothing to me without Annette's love. I am fully aware of her love inside me, but I'm still so alone. I just can't get myself to have a dream or an ambition or anything when nothing matters now without her. It's like the world is still going, but it shouldn't be. The heart is gone from it. I haven't gone through the hell you went through in your first year, but it changed me. I've become someone different from who Annette married. She wouldn't like me now.

I appreciate the thoughts and support, I do. My Mom is totally against pets. I'm a cat person. There's enough dogs here in this mobile park, and the inconsiderate neighbors let them bark incessantly. The next door neighbor has two dogs, one is a huge dog (I can't tell breeds at all) that they have in a cramped little yard, in the heat all day (though there is shade). They never give them exercise. It's just terrible how people treat animals. I just don't see any way out of my situation. I could only work part time even if I could find work that I could do- but everything here is customer service. The Amazon fulfillment centers are out of town- a commute I really don't want to do for part time. I'm desperately lonely but have no recourse to meet anyone. Last time I checked, they still weren't having in person grief therapy groups. It's easy to just be stuck. It would be hard for someone to start over even if they didn't have mental health issues. I feel like a complete failure, but what can I do? My family just reinforces it. At least I have somewhere to sleep. After my Mom is gone, I may end up one of the homeless here.

That's kind of the point, Boho. Absolutely no offense to your statement, but speaking for myself, I have absolutely no one to help me navigate anything. I really, truly don't. That's why I post here. That's why I still talk to Annette, desperately trying to get an answer, but I never do. I feel terrible, like I am making her sad by feeling this way. It's just no one in real life has any interest in my grief. Why should I care about myself? I wish I felt emotions more deeply, so I could "feel" like the grief was killing me, but I'm here and my family is so emotionally repressed that I have just become a zombie. General moderate malaise just doesn't kill you quick enough.

I appreciate the sentiment, Marty. Volunteering would be something that, although worthy and worthwhile, would be extremely anxiety inducing. I just don't know that I could do it. Annette's patience and kindness and belief in me got me to where I could maintain a job after having a retail work nervous breakdown. I don't have a support system anymore, just a guilt and worthlessness reinforcement squad (my family). I am the type of person that if I say something that I feel was the wrong choice of words to someone, even if the other person could care less, it will eat at me and I will replay that in my head for days. I have anxiety just going to my chiropractor, same time- same day, every week. I just stress about things for every reason, any reason and no reason, and it's definitely worse after the trauma of being a caregiver and blaming myself for failing at it. There is a lot of need in my hometown, but there are a LOT of homeless people here with serious mental problems. I cannot handle any kind of conflict or drama whatsoever. I try to go to my local Walgreens and there are homeless people out front being loud and aggressive. I have to drive to one way out of the way just to avoid being asked for change. I can be in line, and if I see a sketchy person come into the store, I have a flight response (I have agoraphobia and I'm always hyper aware of exits). I know it sounds like I'm making excuses. It's trying to weigh whether it's worth the fear and anxiety to get out of my comfort zone, but knowing that I probably won't be fulfilled ultimately. I mean, my brother has a full time job and has worked at Walmart for 15 years or something and he's miserable and he has no one in his life- and he's way more gregarious than I am. He's "normal" in society's eyes (just a weird looking dude, a very aged nerd). I think that, honestly, I'm a selfish lazy person and being with my family this long has reinforced and recreated the person Annette spent 30 years changing into someone who was good. I'm afraid that person died with her.

It's going to be 27 months tomorrow, but who's counting? I was going to post in the "Final moments" thread, but couldn't do it. After she passed, I wrote everything out in as much detail as I could for her sister and Dad. I've mentioned some of it here, but not all in one place. I just can't do it when I still feel so guilty about letting her go. There's so much I should have done. I feel like I've convicted myself and am in prison for the crime. We always used to watch shows about prison like "Lockup" and say that we would be mentally strong enough to survive a sentence- if we knew that the other was waiting outside. It might be the only way I am getting through this lonely life, but I don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to get used to nobody needing me, nobody caring if I'm alive... posting on here less even. Still, that damn nagging need or want of companionship, one damn friend, eats away at my best attempts to be solitary, aloof and uncaring that I am a useless person that no one living loves. This is the dichotomy that kills me slowly. I just want to disappear. Why can't I be so lucky to die in my sleep? I'm sorry I've failed you all. I am not a positive grief success. I'm just so ready to leave.

I know the feeling of wanting to go back to that home that doesn't exist anymore. I wonder who lives there now? I hope they feed the Cardinal couple that we had coming around. I know it's so hard to be right back where you were before you met your husband. It feels like it didn't happen. I have mementos, physical proof that my wife was real, but she only lives in photos, memories and in my heart. It's a lonely love. I have to remind myself that I am very, very lucky that I had the time with her I did. So many people never find their soulmate. My brother here has never had a relationship, like ever, other than what was more of an unrequited crush. He's blissfully unaware of how amazing love can be- and how devastating losing it is. Ultimately, I have to accept my sad, little life for what it is- look forward to the few small things I get enjoyment from, and know that my Annette is waiting for me in a better place. I have no choice but to keep muddling along. Please find the strength to get through this from our shared grief and from the knowledge you're not really alone. The people here are some of the luckiest people ever, because we experienced the most incredible love imaginable and that is still in your heart. We are being watched over by our own personal angels and we will be reunited. Please write and vent and we will read it and understand. Sometimes all we need is to be understood. Don't give up.

I am so sorry Sheemie. Man, can I relate. I am in a rut of just not having any purpose, but being afraid to make any kind of change to my routine- a real catch 22. I so miss our house in Tulsa. It was quiet there. It felt safe. Now I live back with my Mom, in the mobile home I grew up in, and it has become ghetto-fied in the years I was gone. So noisy, with inconsiderate Mexican neighbors with their umpteen dogs and loud La Cucaracha music. I hate it, but I'm stuck here. I'm fortunate to not be out on the streets. The homeless problem here is ridiculous. Rent and the cost of living here is so expensive. It really is like jail. Waiting for "mail" from a loved one from the outside world that never comes, because there is no one. Besides my Mom and brother, nobody cares an iota about me. I am not a participant in life anymore. Is that freedom? I wish I could give you an insight into overcoming fear, but what one really needs is someone on their side to motivate you- to kick you in the butt and give you a reason to change. It's so hard to change for yourself, especially after being part of a team for 30 years. If I had never had a relationship, a beautiful partnership, than I might be able to pick myself up and get a job, make friends.... But I haven't a clue how to make new friends in this day and age. The world has passed me by while I was in love. I'm in the same circumstances I was in as an awkward, painfully shy 19 year old, but this time I'm an old man at 52, and there is no second chance. There's just purgatory- waiting for it to be over, trying to distract myself from the utter despondent loneliness by losing myself in music, trying to rise above the gloom, but knowing it's all around and will never go away. Please hang in there. It's all we can do. We're all in Lonely Jail. Let's try to send each of us "kites" under our cell doors- hoping someone hears us.

My A1C is 6.6. It could be better, but my doctor seems fine with it. I'm on a Jardiance-type drug (Synjardy), so does insulin resistance apply? He didn't mention HDL, but I will try to get into the portal for the lab place and see what it says.

Well, fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how I feel at the time), my health is good. I just saw the doctor yesterday and my A1C is fine (for a Type 2 Diabetic), blood pressure is good... I have back issues and sciatica, but my internal health seems fine. I sleep great now that I don't have the stress of being a caregiver anymore. I wonder: Why do I bother going to the doctor and keep my health maintained? I guess it's because Annette would want me to, but I don't want to live a long life- it's the last thing I want. I can't wait for this life to be over. I'm resigned to the fact that no one on Earth (other than my mother and brother, who don't really care about my feelings or what I think) cares about me. I am not important in anyone's life and never will be again. Most of you have children or one good friend to "live" for. I have no one. I'm honestly a burden to my family and they'd be saving money if I were gone. I just so badly do not want to be here anymore. I'm not suicidal, as there's too much risk of failure, but I just don't have the will to live anymore. I have nothing and no one to look forward to.