nashreed

Well, of course I miss having a woman around. I don't really relate to men and am not interested in "man things" (sports, beer, ...sports?). I don't really think I would want a romantic relationship, I probably wouldn't be comfortable with it, but a woman friend - especially if it was a widow- would be a blessing beyond belief. Unfortunately the chances of meeting one are slightly higher than being attacked by one of those crazy Japanese monkeys that are stealing babies.

Wow, that's pretty ambitious. Since I'm surprised your power grid is still functioning down there, I don't think Texas is known for having their citizens best interests in mind or the infrastructure to organize that. (Please know that there are a lot of great people in your state, and one of my favorite artists is from Houston, but I've spent time there and it's not my favorite state. I do not intend to disparage it- it's just my opinion) I know by and large, widows seem to be much more disinterested in another relationship- just from being on here and other research.

I'm happy for you. I actually did look into a group locally, but at the time it was on hold because of COVID, of course. I don't think I could talk in front of people. I am daily losing the ability to talk and "act normal". I don't really have to be that communicative here. Annette and I used to hold conversations just meowing to each other. Being normal is difficult. I'd be interested in meeting widows, but ultimately it wouldn't lead to anything. I'm a man of means by no means. I just have to accept my fate. I have no motivation to change, no support. Kudos to you, and I hope it goes well!

Don't be sorry for whining, V.R.. I get it. It's the afternoon and I hate my life. I don't know why I'm still forced to be here. I feel like a burden to my family, and they have no consideration for my feelings and I'm just here, wondering why I can't get my life back. I used to come and visit for two weeks at a time every year or two and that was great, but being here, living here two years is way overstaying my trip. I just want to get on a plane and fly back home- to our home. I so wish I could feel any trace of Annette here, but I can't. She hated this town anyway. I wish I could live in memories, but I can't even dream of Annette anymore. I just have stupid dreams about the stupid mundanities of my life now. I don't want to be parted from her, but I feel so disconnected from her and every day I'm more and more aware that I am so alone and friendless and Its the way it's going to be until I die. I can't just change who I am. How on earth do you make new friends? Nobody here even speaks English. I just want out. There's absolutely nothing to look forward to. What's the point of anything?

Sad, I found that having a friend who doesn't understand this grief is worse than being alone. I had one friend from grade school who I reconnected with on Facebook, that lives in town. A great guy- no one else who I have as a Facebook "friend" who lives here could be bothered to even want to meet up for pizza. But, the few times we did get together, I saw his great life- beautiful wife and son, nice house, all the things I will never have again (though I never did have children). I just can't chat about superficial things, here about all his trips and adventures, and not feel resentful, and exhausted at having to act "normal". I never had to act with Annette. It's just less stressful and easier to just blow him off. I see his posts on Facebook- going to Disneyland and places with his son. I don't belong in his world. I'm like a troglodyte in a world of decent folks- a lower being who cannot partake in the joys of life anymore. They are not for me. I have no real interest in "fun" anymore. What is that without my soulmate? All I can hope for is to have one friend who understands this existence, this cursed life.

I know what it's like to be that lonely. I'm that lonely every day. I just got back from my afternoon aimless drive, where I drive around remembering the town that I wooed and won Annette in, what it was like before all the businesses closed and they let all the homeless in. I can't even remember who I was in our "bubble" sometimes. It's like it happened to someone else. No one checks in on me. You are SO lucky to at least have a friend. Remember that you are so lucky to have had the time you had with Matt. So many people never find their soulmate. It's better than winning the lotto. And you will be with him again, it just takes a while. I know its hard to "start over", but when you're ready, you have so many opportunities and blessings in your life. I have every confidence that you'll be ok. It hurts, it's hard- but there is a future for you, and it's all up to you.

I'm so sorry that this is your dreaded "anniversary" (a word that is associated with happiness and life). I still count mine (it has been 26 months on the 16th). I relate and know of your struggles through the last years of your marriage. I went through them too. We would have a calendar that we would write on with her doctors appointments, and some months it seemed that every weekday was filled in with at least one appointment- sometimes there was a twofer! She must have had a dozen doctors or specialists. Annette never "gave up" per se, but she definitely was tired of fighting. It was just so frustrating for her. She did her best- she really made an effort to eat well, and she would cook raw chicken and make things like healthy burritos and recipes from the Diabetic cookbooks- even with her low vision and arthritis. She always wanted to work, and hated that I had to take a job (with all my mental garbage), when she wanted to be the provider. She was so sweet and kind. I just don't understand how unfair life can be. I just never want to blame her for not being able to be there in the way we both wanted her to be. I'm human- I resented her sometimes, but I didn't really.... It's hard to express. I just know that she did her best. There was no malicious intent. She was just in so much pain some days, and still she had a smile for me. She was more concerned about how I was doing mentally. She was always that way. She never wanted a fuss made over her. I wanted our life to be like when we were young and strong, but I just never want to have any regrets about our relationship, because our love transcended all that pain and suffering.

I'm so sorry. There's so much I miss. Tuesday's and Wednesday's were my days off, and they were Uno days. She loved to play Uno. She was pretty much confined to a wheelchair, and there wasn't much we could do activity-wise. I tried to get her more active, but with her pain, it was hard on her. Some days she wasn't even up for our card game when she was in pain. It's so not fair. I get up in the morning and have my walk and talk with Annette, and it keeps me through to the noon hour. The mornings are quiet around here with all the noisy neighbors and brats, and I have motivation to do housework and get things done. The afternoons are the worst. I used to play music between noon and 3 when we together, and I regret being solitary and selfish- listening to it loud and she was a saint and rarely complained. Maybe this is my punishment now for not spending those three hours with her. Now, like some Flying Dutchman, I feel the most alone and useless and miserable during the afternoon still.

Of course, my memories of Annette are treasures that I guard greedily, and she gave me so much love for my heart, but the loneliness now is making me just not want to live. I feel like such a disappointment that I'm succumbing to this, but I don't know how to find someone else. You have everything going for you (support system, age, your own home)- you are in control of your own destiny and Matt is so proud of you and he can't wait to see what's in store for you.

I really believe that Annette watches over me, though she can't interact with me, and that just is so lonely a position to be in. It doesn't make my love for Annette any less that I would want someone to at least be a friend and companion- but widows/widowers don't seem to understand most of the time. I'm sure she hates that I am so down and she wishes there could be someone for me. Alas, it's easier said than done. You have to live and be happy and it's ok if someone is not Matt or anything like him. It's not fair to you to be alone and lost. He wouldn't want that for you. The second volume of your life story is beginning, and there's a bright future for you. Don't make it a short story- make it a thick pageturner.

I'm so sorry, jathas. I know what it's like to miss hugs. I haven't had one since the day before Annette's passing. My father-in-law was good about putting his arm around me and was very sweet, but I haven't ever been comfortable hugging men and I'm sure he sensed that. I never used to be the type of person to need anyone.... until Annette. She changed me and I became "obsessed" with her. It sounds bad, but I was persistent, and that was good, because we were really meant to be together. We met and a few months later we started going out. I was so inept at relationships, and she had her own issues at the time, and she couldn't "teach" me how to be a boyfriend at the time, so we broke up. I was miserable and I pined for her and paced around the same basketball court that I pace around now.... thinking of ways to win her back. I actually had an opportunity to be in another relationship to a pretty black girl who I worked with. She really liked me and tried to initiate something, but I was too hung up on Annette. We actually went to Disneyland together (with another girl from work! Two girls!!), but I ruined it. It was a disaster because I was obsessed with Annette. I carried her picture with me all the time and I have it on my wall next to my bed still. Through much struggle and perseverance, I won her back and we were together for 30 years. I miss her so much. I'm now also the type of person who needs companionship. I seem to get grief on here, because I'm made to feel like a jerk that I would want someone else after losing my soulmate. I can't handle the thought of being alone like this for years and I am just in not in any position to have anything to offer anyone. No job, no money- I can't even look people in the eye. Nobody wants me-- I'm no one's idea of a catch. I'm sure you would have no problem meeting someone when you're ready. It's going to take time, but you have a great future ahead of you. Your beloved soulmate would be happy that you will have happiness again. He wants the best for you, I'm sure of it. I never blame Annette for her health problems and though she could have made better choices, I can't blame her for any of it. When I see her again, I don't want there to be anything but love- no guilt, no blame. Just take it one day at a time. I know my first month without her was a blur, because I had to put my tail between my legs and move back home. I couldn't stay in our house with my meager income and so I had the distraction of moving halfway across the country by myself. I packed (including 40 boxes of CD's) completely alone and a moving company hauled our life away, wrecking some stuff in the process. At least I had my mom to go back to. I'm glad you have a best friend to lean on. I never knew the importance of friends until I lost my only true one. Hang in there. I only wish you the best in everything. You will make it.

I absolutely realize this. That's not the point I was trying to make. The lady who digs through trash for recyclibles could be a lovely soul, but I'll never know. She's probably married (I am not attracted to her, to make that clear) and even if she wasn't, I don't speak Spanish and I don't know if she speaks English and I can't even look people in the eye. It's NOT because I have a low self opinion, but because of who I've always been- who I was before Annette and who I am again. You can't just change your personality, and even if I could, I have no way to meet anyone, even if it's just to meet someone to not be so terribly alone. Everyone is still in their "pandemic bubble" mindset it seems. Nobody wants to meet anyone. Everybody's got their people. If you missed the deadline (pre-COVID), sucks for you. It doesn't matter if I like myself, love myself or anything else. I'm in an untenable situation where I still have the mindset of the 18 year old that Annette saved from loneliness, stuck in a 52 year old body and I have to be realistic that I have nothing at all to look forward to. Life without love is not worth living- it just isn't. I applaud the folks here who have chosen to not ever have another relationship. I wish I was that strong. Of course, everyone here who has chosen to go it alone could probably find someone if they chose to, because they have their own house or means to offer someone. I was left a pauper because everything went to Annette's medical bills or my stupid hoarding. I never planned for a future without her. I can't save money to save my life, and that's just who I am and I accept that. I have to accept my failures. It also means I just exist through my days hoping they end soon and then I'm one day closer to death.

My Annette was always the same to me, the same beautiful young girl with so much ambition and drive and I have pictures of her when we first met with her snarky little smile. One of the things I did after she passed was go through all of her photo albums (and dozens of loose "outtake" rolls in the old fashioned KMart photo lab envelopes), with photos all the way back to when she was a kid, and took photos of her photos for my phone. I was able to see the changes. In the late 90's, when her Rheumatoid Arthritis hit her, she was prescribed Prednisone, which caused her to gain weight, very noticeably in her face. I never really saw the dramatic change in appearance at the time, but she sure did, and hated those photos- never meant to be seen. I never ever got on her about her weight, and maybe I should have- but her mother and grandmother especially, were always telling her that if she lost weight she could look like her sister, and it devastated her and affected her entire self image. Her weight definitely contributed to her passing- her BMI was over 60. I just never pushed her and wanted her to be happy and enabled her by getting her treats. Nothing was better than making her smile. She always told me how much better I looked when I got older. I was so skinny and she liked the grey hair and gut that I have now. Too bad nobody else finds me attractive. I feel like such a heel for even thinking of another relationship. It's not going to happen- I wouldn't know where to start, but the emptiness really makes me long for someone, anyone. I'm sure even the hunchback older Mexican lady who runmages through people's trash for recyclibles is taken anyway.

I'm so sorry, Boho. I think we all can understand bureaucratic incompetence, medical malpractice and losing our loved one waaay too soon. Honestly, I couldn't tell you exactly how Annette passed. It was such a perfect (for lack of a better word) storm of all her maladies. When I found her, she had fallen out of her wheelchair, in a kneeling, downward position. She obviously had a severe low blood sugar episode, but why didn't she call me? If she tried to handle it herself, why did she choose to eat candy that was hard to chew and slow to act. I guess that she didn't think it was that bad, but with her kidney disease, she just couldn't control her Diabetes like she always had- and she was stubborn and took pride in her managing of it, even though she couldn't anymore. There was an actual cardiac arrest when the EMT's got her on her back. They couldn't find a vein (always a problem with her).... Everything went wrong. Yet the cause of death is listed as simply "complications of Type 1 Diabetes". Why didn't I wake up when she needed me? I usually always did. I'll never know the exact why's and it makes me so sad. I really hope that you get the answers you need, but please don't blame yourself if you don't. Here's hoping for the best!

I know that I look forward to going to bed mostly because any dream is better and more interesting than my life here. I have no interest in staying up past 9- sad, I know. If I'm out with my brother once in a while, we'll be out until 2, coming back from L.A. or somewhere. It throws off my schedule and I don't like it. I hate my boring routine but I hate when my boring routine is disrupted. I keep thinking of a lyric to a song by one of Annette's absolute favorites- Leonard Cohen. The song is called "Tower Of Song" and the premise is that all of these living and dead musicians have to live in a tower together, as punishment perhaps, in a purgatory, and the lyric is "I asked Hank Williams, how lonely does it get? Hank Williams hasn't answered yet". I can tell you that there can't be many people lonelier than me. How is it that even when Annette and I were fighting or not talking or I was at work, I never felt alone- but now I feel so alone, like an alien (E.T.!) dropped off by accident. I don't belong here without her.

That's wonderful! No Looney Tunes there! I envy that. After two years, I don't feel like I get any signs or communication from Annette whatsoever. Maybe it's because my heart is bitter about my circumstances (if you lived here you'd understand why though). Sometimes I think that the anger and resentment keep me going, because it's the only emotion I have. I can't cry. My family is emotionally closed off and I never get any love from them. My mom hates being hugged. We're just three miserable people who hate where we've ended up- together alone. I often wonder what sign Annette could even give me, but I can't think of any. Sometimes a song that will come up on Spotify will seem apropos, but how could she control that? My playlists are huge and expansive and she was not a music nerd like I am. She liked what she liked and that's it. It's still difficult to listen to her playlists, and I rarely do. It's just too hard. I have voicemails of hers, but I'm just at a point where I can't listen to them. They're so cute (she would often sing on them)- I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm intentionally blocking her from possibly coming through, with all my negativity. I lost her father last year, and we had a bond over hummingbirds, and I like to think that when I see them out my window drinking that he's saying "hi", but I don't know. I want so badly to dream of her and have some kind of connection still, but at this point I feel like she couldn't come through if she wanted to. I have no doubt we'll be together again, but right now I don't want her disappointed in me, and I feel like she is. I've just succumbed to the despair and she always joked that she'd divorce me if I became a bitter old man. I am one now. I'm sorry. I'm so glad that you find it therapeutic to write here. It's pretty much all I have and it's disheartening when it's a ghost town in here. I have absolutely no friends so this is my respite from this life, that and music. Please keep us apprised of your progress. It's hard to keep going, but we don't have a choice.

I know what it's like to feel so alone. I feel it still, just as much as I did that first month, because Annette was the only one who really understood me, or cared to understand. I lived in our house without her for a month and a half after she passed, but at least I was where we had lived and it was our house and it still has that comforting vibe. I had to move back home to my Mom's, and I feel so disconnected from her. I think everyone else here has been able to keep and stay in the house that they shared together, and I envy that. It's a blessing. I know that it's so hard to get up every day and face it without him. It can be so overwhelmingly lonely at first. I stopped posting on Facebook, because nobody cares. I got cursory "hug" emojis, but they're meaningless and all those "friends" aren't real. We care and are real here though- the Anti-Facebook. Please know that you're not alone. He's with you, but just can't be there physically- just like the people here on The Forum. We can't be with you and be seen, but we're here. None of us are alone when we have each other here. I have realized and an resigned to having to live when I don't want to, but I have the folks here and that's comforting.

I so loved everything about Annette and she made me a better person- a person that I didn't think I could ever be. Her work ethic was amazing. I met Annette when I was a lazy, awkward, shy 18 year old. I got a job at Taco Bell because I had been out of high school a year (I got a GED because I never graduated high school. I barely attended classes- they didn't care, except for the school counselor, who made me miss classes because he wanted to chat all the time- finding me "interesting" but not ever helping solve my malaise) and my Aunt suggested that I stop being a layabout. She was the shift leader and she initiated contact with me outside of work by calling me at home on the pretext of telling me that I really sucked at the job, but she wanted to help me improve. She thought I was a wise "guru" because I didn't talk. I was really just hopelessly inept at people skills and I had zero coordination. I got a lot better with confidence because of her- and I became really good at being the drive-thru cashier. I was great at rushing cars out of there with my limited verbage, but I never got better at making orders. Couldn't wrap a burrito properly- still can't. But her kind heart saved my job as she took me under her wing (because she had a crush on me). I was unbelievably skinny and had a neck longer than an emu's, but I figure she knew that I was "the one", somehow. She was always right. Just as she was right when she tried and tried to dissuade me from marrying her because she knew that she wouldn't have a long life. It didn't matter to me-- I was obsessed. It's amazing how hard we worked in our 20's. We moved to Tulsa, OK because she hated the desert and how brown our town was. She loved "Green Country", what they call Northeast Oklahoma. We both had two jobs during the 90's, struggling to make it. Without her, I never would have gotten my "dream job" which was just to work in a CD/music store. With her confidence in me, I would eventually be able to be a store manager (albeit at the lowest volume store in a dying mall). I owe all of the ambition and drive I had to her. I just wish she was able to get her dream career- being a proofreader or editor or anything to do with writing or printing. A couple of years before she passed, she got a job at the Tulsa World newspaper- which she was so happy about. Even if it was just in subscriptions and telephone customer service, she was thrilled. Even when she was in a wheelchair after her amputation, and her weight was getting seriously out of control, and she was legally blind and needed special equipment (magnifiers and such), her work ethic remained. She did not want to just be on disability (I'm fine with it- people scare me). Unfortunately, on her first day of training, she had a "Woogy" day- if she didn't have at least a couple of good nights with the CPAP under her belt, and her kidneys weren't clearing the opioids she was dependent on, she would get sleepy and out of it. This time was particularly bad and she was nodding off in class and really unable to stay alert. It was terribly heartbreaking when they called to tell her not to come back. She still wanted to work so bad, even up to the end. I think about it a lot- even now, if she was still alive, I still wouldn't let her go back to a workplace because of COVID. She needed the human interaction and enjoyed camaraderie with workmates. I wish I had been more of a talker or had been more than just me for her. I always had to have "Me Time", listening to music. Even with her, I couldn't always stay engaged and chatty. I always disconnect at some point, and withdraw. She always put up with me. I don't know how.

I am so sorry jathas. I figure I was lucky. No matter how many health problems Annette had, she was always trying to be positive- still trying to make me smile and I always tried to make her laugh. She would get so upset and frustrated and would start crying (which I couldn't stand to see), and I always had to cheer her up. I always pointed out to her that if she started crying, she would get stuffed up and couldn't breathe. So we could joke about it, but maybe I was wrong to do that and should have let her have her cry. She probably did when I was at work. The thing that was super hard was when she would go to (what we called) Woogytown. Because she was on opioids for her pain and she also had chronic kidney disease, and severe sleep apnea that we monitored like a hawk, she would often get super sleepy and loopy- slurring words, not thinking clearly. I was hyper alert to it and the stress of making sure she got enough sleep, making sure she drank enough water, was overwhelming. She would sometimes even hallucinate. That was hard to deal with, and I had to yell at her to convince her there was no huge spider in the corner so that she would go to sleep. The stress was every day, all day- and I would give anything to have that stress back. I took a closeup picture of her a few days before she passed. She had developed a rash on her face in a couple of places and I wanted to make sure her doctor saw a picture of it. In the picture, she looks so done. So just sad and sleepy looking, but just defeated and it's so so sad. My sweet angel just couldn't handle the pain and her weight and all her health problems.

Absolutely devastating, I know. I was with Annette over half my life, and now I'm in this cold, cold (well, it's exactly hot as hell) empty world. I'm glad you have had some signs from Matt. I can't even dream of Annette anymore. I only ever had three really concrete, sure signs that I thought were her. One was a vivid dream, that I think I just wrote about recently. The first sign was four days after she passed, I was checking her phones voicemails, because she would still get messages from doctors offices on it. There was a message that was a just a female voice saying "goodbye". It was obviously from a robocall or automated recording that was looping so the end was the beginning, but it was only that one word. It was cleanly "edited" to just that one word, nothing else. No other ambient sound or dead space. It would have been her calling her phone number because it was easy to remember. I had just changed my number a month or so before and she could never remember it. The second incident happened a day later. I was just checking our DVR recordings. I was watching the finale of "The Masked Singer". I didn't really care all that much about it under the circumstances, but I was just curious to see who won, as we had been watching it together. I was able to see the performances of the runners up, but when it got to where I would see the winner unmasked, the remote would not respond at all. I was fast forwarding through the commercials, but then I could not stop the recording, I had no way to control it. Through fast forward, I could see the winner, but she was not a fan of the winning singer and would have been pissed that her favorite was runner up. I just felt her presence, that she was not happy with the show. The sad part is, I had to move out of that house and out of Tulsa within the first two months and when I left, so did all feelings and chances of feeling her or sensing her presence. She really disliked Southern California, where I am. This town is a dry desert town that's turned into a ghetto where the homeless get dumped from L.A., and she hated it 30 years ago when it was nice and safe. We were always a team too. I really miss being part of a team more than anything. We always had a saying: "I'm OK if you're OK". She's ok, I know she is. I just have to be ok. I have to figure out what to do with the rest of this life. That's the hard part.

I'm so sorry. I'm lost too. I admit to checking in here way too often and often there's no activity. I'm just dying for human connection and some little bit of anything resembling the beautiful communication and connection I had. (My mom is watching "The Young And The Restless" right now, as always, and seeing these ridiculous characters and their love lives every day does a lot to improve my outlook ) I'm in the position of just not having any opportunity to ever meet anyone, let alone have a relationship. (I could try online dating: Can you imagine? I live with my mom and brother in the same mobile home I grew up in. My only income is disability. But ladies, I still sleep in the same bed that used to be a bunk bed with an authentic 40 year old "E.T." holographic sticker!) I've been dropped back into the same life I had (and hated) when I was 18, after 30 wonderful years with Annette that completely changed me and which I didn't deserve). I came back with nothing other than debt and a huge CD collection that's worthless to the majority of people these days. Point is, you have a lot more going for you and I know that you have a long road of grief to traverse, but there is light at the end- a future of your choosing. Just focus on the light at the end, take one day at a time and know that Matt is proud of you and is with you in spirit. Whatever you may or may not believe about an afterlife, I can just feel that our loved ones are there with us.

I understand- you have no idea how much I understand. I had guilt because I didn't take Annette shopping very often. A trip out was difficult- stuffing the wheelchair in the backseat. She didn't like being couped up inside, but with her mobility issues and her poor eyesight, shopping trips were way easier just by myself. I missed having my buddy with me and I regret we didn't have more outings the last several years, but at the time my anxiety and issues made me impatient with trips that took too long, being around other people. I hope that she understands. I was always beating myself up because I didn't feel that, for example, I wrapped her leg well enough when it was weeping. I remember once when I went to work and she called and left a message that I had wrapped it too tight and it was hurting her. I came home so upset and I was yelling at her (but really I was mad at myself). I was just so frustrated and I was a spazzy anxiety ridden person when things were good, but I did the best I could at the time and it was out of love, and she told me she trusted me implicitly. One of the hardest things I have faced is still feeling the need to be a caregiver, but nobody needing me. My mother is almost 86, and thank God that she doesn't need a caregiver, but she won't take any of my advice even. She's fiercely stubborn and always knows what's best (to her) and so I feel I have no purpose, other than being here in case she needs me. Having not only my identity of being a husband taken away, but also my job as caregiver too- it's taken me this long to accept it, just like I've had to accept that I will never have anyone in my life again. I want so much to have something, anything to look forward to. I just don't see any future, and that's tough. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I know that you have people that care about you and good things in your future. I truly hope for the best for you and please know that you can say anything here and someone is always reading and understands.

Again, couldn't have said it better. The last several years, Annette couldn't (or didn't want to) go out anywhere- didn't want to be seen. Our "social" life was doctors offices and hospitals. That's all we ever went to. We used to go to movies (we saw SO many bad movies in the 90's, like every piece of crap that came out) and shows, but even just being home and playing UNO with her....I loved it and we had fun. I was often sad for the loss of our freedom. I would often be stuck going to bed early myself because her sleep apnea was so bad, she would be nodding off at 6pm! I always demanded that she try to go to bed- no TV time tonight . Those marriage vows were all important. We were devoted to each other and I was her caregiver and it was all I wanted to be, because I was helping her, the best I could.

That's fascinating- I thought it was just me. I met Annette when she was 17 and most of the pictures I have of her are from when she between 18 and 30. After her health started to take a turn and she had to start Prednisone for her Arthritis, she didn't like pictures taken of her. Of course, my memories of her are recent, and sad, from when she was heavy and so my memories and idea of her in my head are an amalgam of her from all of the time we were together. You're lucky to have videos of your wife- I only have one short little phone clip. I lost our wedding video and never told her. I have voicemails of her, but right now, it hurts too much to listen to them. I hope its just a phase. I love her voice.

Wow- everything you say jathas, it sounds like my story. Annette had so many health problems: if anyone ever complained about their health or maladies, we always joked that she could beat anyone in a game of "How many health problems do you have?"-no one else could even be in the same ballpark. From my experience, it was unfortunately inevitable. She told me even before we got married that she would die early- she knew. She knew the Diabetes would get her in the end. She had been fighting it for so many years. I feel tremendous guilt about not forcing her to stay in the rehab facility she was supposed to be in- but she wanted to be home, with me. The last hospital stay she had just about did her in- apparently she almost passed there. She was also just plain worn out from it all. She was tired of being sick all the time. Her body just gave out. The one consolation I have is knowing that she's free from it all now. I only ever just wanted her to be happy and not in pain, and she is now. I know her spirit is alive and she's happy. I can't be selfish and wish she was still with me when she was so miserable and in pain all the time. And I know that, even with all the guilt I feel still, she does NOT blame me for anything. We were always believers in "What's supposed to happen, happens" and "You're where you're supposed to be" because that's how we met and how our love and life played out. It's sad and I hate it, but it's what was going to happen. The way she passed was peaceful in it's way, and I'm glad she didn't have to suffer through COVID. From you telling us how much your husband adored you and loved you, he would not blame you for anything. I know it's hard to transcend the guilt- I still haven't fully after two years, but it does get easier. The missing her, the loneliness, the sadness... that's still there. But the guilt, that starts to fade, I promise, when you realize and know that he would not want you to feel it. All I can try to do is not make Annette sad when she checks in on me, and she would hate for me to still feel guilt- she chided me all the time about it, always told me not to worry. Just please don't let the guilt eat you alive. The loss is enough to deal with. I promise the guilt gets better. I don't blame her for anything either. It's just life after all. There is a better place, and I will be with her again. The waiting is the hard part.