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michael

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Everything posted by michael

  1. hey shell- i don't think i really believe the worst would happen, it's just the idea of it that gets to me. it's the idea of looking at it as black and white, instead of the grey area that it truly is. which got me thinking... i was talking a lot about it tonight with a friend of mine, and we came to the conclusion that a lot of this guilt and all of the negative "visions", or whatever, that i'm experiencing are most likely tied to the fact that the values i was raised with are coming into conflict with the values i developed. they're not that far off, but differ in some very significant ways. this situation being one of them. i think that, the fact that it's (some of) the values that my mother taught me that are conflicting with my actions, is what is making the acceptance difficult. i believe that i am subconsciously linking the action with the replacement of values (and perhaps rightly so)....perhaps i'm feeling that i'm also betraying my mother's legacy, because i became so far removed from some of her teachings, that i would make the decision for her to finish her life according to mine.... i haven't figured it all out yet, but as you can see i've been spending a good deal of time analyzing it (my girlfriend calls it obsessing). hopefully, i can keep the ball rolling.....
  2. hey maylissa- i haven't worked with those supplements yet, but will definately look into them. most of what i use does make me drowsy, so i only take it at night. a non drowsy supplement would be greatly welcomed. as for the guilt thing, i have no real guilt about the way the treatments did or didn't work. as i've said, her type of cancer shows a median survival or 2-5 (or 2-7, depending on the report) months from the date of a stage iv diagnosis. after ignoring the symptoms for a while, she was finally diagnosed when a tumor had grown large enough to crack her hip bone. it was that advanced. she made it far beyond that (at 7 months from diagnosis, we were on kauai sipping pina coladas and smelling beautiful flowers). her oncologist was blown away by how well she was doing, comparatively speaking. he was very skeptical of the idea of trying experimental procedures, in the beginning, comparing them to "snake oil" tactics. by the end, he was working with me to replicate the experiments of docs in other countries (i had shown up to his office with copies of their studies, as well as the meds he couldn't obtain in this country). i truly feel that we did all that was possible in that sense. the part where i get stuck, is the fact that the last thing she saw was her son giving her an o.d., which is not the memory of me i wanted her to take with her. sandra- well, i'm holding up ok. i must have just been drained the other night, as i seem to be back to the 5:30am-9:30am sleep schedule. i would like to think that she was going to leave on the full moon regardless (and boy, is it hard to see a full moon the same way i used to....), but from what i've read about the last days of life, i estimate that she left quite a few hrs earlier than she might have. not that those extra hours would have been quality hours, because they wouldn't have been....but i did what i did only a few hours into what i was told would be a 24-48hr process. most of me is ok with it. there's just that nagging bit.... as far as the no kids thing being a right decision, it was the universe that made that decision for me, in the form of a drunk driver hitting me head on while i was on a motorcycle at age 18. it was actually something i was mad about (especially once i knew that my mom would never be able to hold my child, something she was certainly looking foward to), until i got the news about my dad. it was a bittersweet relief, in a sense. on a brighter note, one of my frieds has been in school for a few years to learn, of all things, counseling. we are seperated by 1500mi, but she is in semi-regular contact with me, is wonderful to talk to, and is looking into setting me up with a local counselor that she approves of. it will be interesting to see where that leads. again, tho, there is a nagging fear that i'll tell a counselor what happened, then find myself in handcuffs the next day. a ridiculous fear, perhaps, but a very real fear, nonetheless.
  3. firstly, thanks to all for the replies. as i've said, i know in my heart it was thr right thing, it's the brain that's not cooperating. i'm hoping that it is just a matter of time... trudy-i'm sorry for your loss as well. it seems like july was a bad month for a lot of us. strange... my mom didn't want to get hospice involved, as she said that once they were involved, no one would fight for her anymore. after her 1st (and most severe) stroke, i made the call. within 24hrs, she went from sofa to hospital bed (yet still in her own living room), and found out she was much happier. hospice made the situation so much easier to deal with, i don't think there are words to express my gratitude. xmas is tough, but my sis is the only one with kids, so we will have it at her house. luckily, i won't have to go out and buy a tree.... laurie-i'm very sorry for your loss. yes, the things spinning around in my head get to be a bit tough. because i am so into the herbal approach to things (stemming from a deeply rooted aversion to pills), that is what i'm doing to manage my mood. valerian, skullcap, chamomile, etc are all pretty good as far as calmatives go. also, in my state (california), there is a law on the books that makes a certain herb legal for medical use. it was used by mom throughout the last few months, and i find that it does help my mood considerably. the only prob is, i don't really believe that it's ok for me to take/use anything until after 7pm (i like to be 100% "there" in case work or other responsibilities pop up). in addition, it seems that one of the hardest things to deal with is going to the local home depot (almost daily trips are necessary in my line of work) and hearing all those xmas songs they play on muzak. for a minute, i could almost agree with all those people who want to force stores to take down xmas decorations.... shell-thank you, and i'm sorry for you loss. i know that it's commonly done, and logic tells me that it was the right thing to do, it just feels kinda wrong. i think that a part of the problem is the fact that i have a very diverse group of friends, some of which are orthodox. according to them, every minute of life is a gift (no matter how agonizing that life is), and it is not to be taken by any but the master. some of those people completely disagree with what i did, and make no bones about telling me so. i've stopped talking to most of them now, at least until i get a bit further past all of this. as far as my dad's disease, i got a copy of the d.c., and contacted his last doctor. i was told that i should look up his wife (which i've tried, with no luck), as she is the only person that he can give the med records to. he said there was quite a bit of info in there and he thought i really should know about it (sounds ominous). he also told me that they didn't know exactly what type of ataxia he had, and there are a whole bunch of different ones, which means a whole bunch of different tests, and that my insurance would only cover the testing once it became a medical necessity (i start showing symptoms). basically, wait and see what happens. i know i should live every day to the fullest anyway, and that seems to be the only course of action to take right now, but that nagging fear is still in there...... it does, however, make me feel a lot better about my not having children. i can't imagine throwing worries about passing it on into the mix..... a huge thank you to everyone, by the way. i'm not sure if this board had anything to do with it, but last night was the 1st time i've gone to sleep before 4:30am in a long, long time. it was nice.
  4. hey kitty- thank you. i'm sorry for your loss. my gma actually died 27 mo b4 my mom, in the same exact spot, oddly enough. same cause, as well. my mother had taken my gma in to take care of her for the last 18 mo. honestly, i figured that my mother deserved no less...especially after doing the same for her mom. anyway, my gma was the same as your gpa. more morphine..... they both as passed peacefully possible, in their own living room, with their children beside them. i know that what i did made my mom's passing as smooth as it could be, i just have that burning, nagging guilt about it. i wish it would just stop, already. it's annoying.
  5. thanx to both of you. lorikelly- i understand where you are coming from. i was also short with my mom as well, if she refused to eat, or follow the treatments that we had agreed to try....it was beyond frustrating. i also felt bad, however, that she was short with me. "damnit michael, i told you i wasn't hungry!" or "i don't want to drink that, it tastes awful!". i think now, however, that none of that matters. i believe that when one passes over, they have access to knowledge that we can't even imagine. i also believe that they not only know our thoughts, but our feelings as well, and that some of the things that we feel guilty for are actually fully understood and not really that big of a deal to the new spirit form, actually. the funny thing is, that is the answer to my own problem. making myself believe it, however, is another story. i also have an easy time telling people why they shouldn't smoke, but put away 2 pks a day myself. go figure..... sandra- if our stories get any more similar, i might begin to wonder how alternate reality selves can type on the same forum...... as i said above, i think that i know in my heart that it's all well, but it's my brain that gets in the way. one of the probs with being aquarian (merc in aquarius as well..), is that our minds won't stop thinking, and are always trying to out-logic our emotions. besides, the dad thing really throws gas on the fire that is my imagination.. a whole lot of input, at a time when i need less..... again, i'm sure it will get better, i'm just becoming very impatient.
  6. hey sandra- thank you. lupus? have you tried sweetleaf (wild bergamot)? i knew a very effective medicine man who recommended the same thing to somebody with lupus, and it seemed to work fairly well at keeping the symptoms at bay.... yes, xmas is pretty sucky this year. i know it will get better, i just don't know when..... i think that the guilt i'm experiencing comes from a sensation of betrayal. she trusted me to heal, and i feel as tho i did exactly the opposite. something i forgot to add, which complicates my feelings..... i had never met my bio father. he was abusive and mom left him b4 i was born. well, as part of tying up the loose ends, i felt that after 38 years it was time to confront him about how he treated my mother. i felt he just had to know how he made her feel.... my mom's brother worked with him at some point, and said he's put me in touch. my uncle informed me, a week after mom's death, that my father had died 7 years ago. now here's the part that's getting to me.... he died of a brain disease that is most likely hereditary. he, his dad, and his brother all died b4 age 55. it is called olivopontocerebellar atrophy (opca), and sets in around the 30s and 40s. the end is all about wheelchairs, loss of motor/speech/memory, and, in my dad's case, heart failure. not a pleasant way to go. i guess i have a 50% chance of having it. there is a small voice inside my head that tells me that this is the karmic repercussion of what i did to my mother. i'm not afraid of it (altho i in no way look foward to it), but i am interpreting it as confirmation that the universe disapproves of my actions, and intends to punish me for them. i don't think this is helping my situation any, and my girlfriend tells me that i'm just making myself crazy. to be honest, i don't know if i'm looking for answers by posting all of this, or if i'm just venting. it's all so very confusing......
  7. hey all- i'm new to this forum. the story is long, but here is a condensed version.... mom and i were very close. i had moved out of state 8 years ago, but still came home every xmas. in sept of last year, we got news that mom had stage iv occular melanoma. i sold my house, closed up my buisness, and moved back home to caretake her. i have been using herbal and holistic treatments for various conditions for years, on myself and others, with great sucess. the doctors offered the usual approaches, but we weren't satisfied. mom was convinced that i was going to be able to, if not heal her, at least manage the cancer. for the next 9 months, we tried everything under the sun. we also traveled to hawaii, to the mountains, wherever she wanted to go, whatever she wanted to do, it was done..... then it got to the point where she was having strokes a few times a day. she was severely brain damaged after the 1st stroke, and it only got worse. eventually, she was at the point of lying in her bed, staring blankly at the tv. i was left with a good supply of drugs to keep her as comfortable as possible, but she really didn't want to take them often (objecting by head movements, as she had lost he ability to speak). i have some rather unusual ideas about life and death as a result of following a non-mainstream "religion". i know that death is just part of the circle of life, and that there is nothing wrong with it. i look upon it almost as a "graduation" from the school of life, and a completion of lessons learned while in this world. in short, i am usually very ok with the idea of death. the last day, it was obvious that it was almost over. a few people from hospice were over that morning, and at one point, after she had begun the "death rattle", i was told that it looked like it would be less than 48 hrs. i sat by her side the whole time, and all she could do was grip my hand, and look up at me with the most terrified look i had ever seen on a human's face. now here's where it gets really screwy... i had been shot in the chest at age 17. i have an intimate knowledge of the sensation of having fluid build up and limit breathing. it was the (2nd, behind this) most frightening moment of my life. i didn't want my mother to experience such a thing, so i decided to help her sleep. a long story short, i gave her too much ativan, morphine, and valium, as a cocktail. i know that she was already "dead", but i can't get past the idea that i killed her, and all i see is her face at that moment, over and over again. i can't go into a home depot without hearing xmas music, and bursting into tears. i can't go to any of the places we used to go to without seeing that terrified face and loosing it. i am still in the same house, and every morning when i come downstairs, i lose it because there is no sick mama for me to make breakfast for anymore. i am breaking into cold sweats on my forehead and the back of my neck often, i throw up almost every morning, often more frequently. i keep seeing her face in that terrified state (and also during her 1st stroke, which lasted 5 min and during which all i could do was hold her and stroke her brow.....i felt so helpless...), and i keep thinking to myself that i am the lowest form of life on the planet. she trusted me to heal her, and i ended up letting her down in the worst way possible. i am losing it right now as i type this.... a friend (iraq war vet)has told me that he has seen these syptoms before, and that what i am experiencing is post traumatic stress disorder. i think it's a very, very guilty conscience. i feel like i robbed her of the last lesson, which is "how to leave it all behind and move foward". i don't even know what i expect to achieve by posting this, but i am getting to the end of my rope with this thing, and i wish desperately to make these feelings stop. anybody have any insight on how i can move foward, and ditch my "angel of death/worlds must screwed up son" complex? i look foward to, and appreciate all replies. thank you- michael
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