My husband was my best friend since I was 18. He's been my rock most of that time, and I’ve been his. That’s about 32 years, and we were married for over 27 years.
He was diagnosed with adrenal cortical carcinoma stage 4 in Feb 2015. We learned in 2016 that he'd been given 6 months. He’d don6 rounds of EDP chemo in 2015 and started a series of immunology drug trials in Oct 2015. The primary tumor was always inoperable; it had grown around the inferior vena cava. In April 2020, just after our 27th anniversary, we learned the tumor had grown into the inferior vena cava and had formed a blockage/thrombosis.
Since the end of May this year, he’d been in and out of hospital with UTI, c diff, and aspiration pneumonia. He’d had delirium most nights and some days during that time. In the end, we agreed hospice was the answer. He started it on a Sunday and died early the following Saturday at home, not in pain.
We have 3 dogs. I work, always have. I used to write fiction, but that stopped once chemo started because I couldn’t concentrate anymore; he was my coplotter and alpha reader. I knit and weave, when I can concentrate; he also did fiber stuff, so we have more stash and tools than is sane. Three dogs and one human makes for a lot of canine entertainment; he’d calm them down when they started driving me nuts.
I also play Elder Scrolls Online, which my husband and I used to do together, so that’s kind of bittersweet. He’d play video games, and I’d watch and help out. So no more Assassins Creed, Horizon Dawn, MWO, GoW, etc. I don’t really have the video game hand eye coordination, and it’s more fun with someone else. I joined a guild in ESO, but haven’t been doing guild events since September because I get so grief-tired.
We kept each other stable and grew up together. I’m 50 now. He was 55.
I know this “carrying the grief boulder” has just started. I know my life will never be the same.
I feel like I can’t trust any decision I make. I got a kitten, on trial, and I’m loving her purr and antics, and she and the dogs get along fairly well (although the Princess feels her throne has been usurped). I flipped my recumbent trike on a my first group ride with the UU bike group, my first ride at all since before my husband died, and I’m physically hurting and bruised. (Hoping they’ll let me ride with them again.)
I have a psychiatrist and a therapist to help me with my anxiety, panic, and ptsd. My primary care is supportive. I have friends, but none of them have had a loss like this. One friend is pushing me to find a meeting to attend in person...
I'm a non-theist pagan in the heart of the Bible Belt at a time when a lot of people where I live are actively turning against science.
