KnVsMoM

I don't know how you've done it kayc, my hats off to you, even though I know your road has been a long and lonely one. I know it's wrong, but situations like yours makes me question God's plan. He knows you love your husband heart and soul, yet He called him home and you have been alone without your soulmate for so long. Why would a loving, just, God do that? Just me thinking out loud I suppose. I won't pray for your demise, but I do hope God doesn't keep you here into your 90's without the love of your life. In the meantime, I have met a few in my time, I believe Angels walk among us, & I think very much so you are one. God bless you & know you are appreciated.

Hello All, I've posted in another section about the loss of my husband of almost 20 years, suddenly, on the 26th of September. I know everyone grieves differently, and at their own pace, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm mentally blocking his death? I have no real friends, just some aquaintances on social media sites, & no real support from my family, and absolute zero from his. The only thing that really connects me to the outside world are the few online support groups I'm part of and listening to various podcasts. I don't want to go out because it just magnifies the loss and I don't feel up to dealing with people either. My husband was everything to me, friend, soul mate, support system, confident, & helpmate. I love him and miss him terribly. However I have shed very few tears over his loss. No, I'm not happy, there's no joy in my life any longer, but I just feel empty on the inside, like I'm the one who died. There is no feeling one way or the other. I've always been a person who had vivid dreams, many that I remembered and if they were intense, they would affect my mood for the rest of that day. Since he passed away I've had no dreams of anything, but especially not of him and that hurts. I've hoped for some kind of sign and have gotten nothing. I sit here, surrounded by his things, looking at his memorial box with his cremains inside, yet no tears. What is wrong with me? His death is something I will never get over, but am I just going to go through the rest of my life with this empty, numb, feeling? I feel guilty, like he didn't mean that much to me since I'm not crying over his loss. I just don't know what to think? Sorry for the long post, but I really am lost without him, even though to those who know me think I'm already "getting over him & moving on with my life".

His blue eyes and his long, soft, brown hair. How romantic he always tried to be. From offering me his arm on the way into the grocery store, to cutting me a flower off someone's flower bush when we were out, to coming into the room I was in & pulling me up into his arms to dance to either real or imaginary music playing. I will never find another man like Shawn and I have no desire to even try. No one can fill that void.

I met Shawn when I was a bus driver in our small city & picked him up from work. He had to go to several stops & I had to wait for him. I was still grieving my broken marriage from almost a year before. I was extremely depressed over my husband leaving, so much so that I couldn't eat and lost 75 lbs in 3 months. I can't put my finger on what it was about him that I felt comfortable talking to him. He was kind of brusque and a bit blunt, but for whatever reason, it didn't put me off. I found out he had come out of a broken relationship himself about 6 months before. We talked about all kinds of things and it came time for me to drop him at Wal Mart. When dispatch radioed later that he was ready, I volunteered to get him since I was close by and I wanted to see him once more. I took him home & he told me if I ever needed someone to talk to I know where he lived & he gave me his phone number. We talked on the phone, we visited, we hung out. Later on when he was visiting me at my home one evening, I was doubled over and sitting on the floor in extreme pain. He told me I was going to the ER, he loaded me into the car, and got me to the hospital. My gallbladder was diseases from all the weight I lost so quick and it was fixing to burst. I had to have emergency surgery that night. Shawn wasn't a rich guy, but he actually called into his job and stayed by my side at the hospital the 4 days I was recovering, even though he really couldn't afford it. I think that's when I started falling in love with him. We had our ups and downs, even split up a few times, but we always found a way to work things out. We were together almost 20 years and I lost him on the 26th of September. I am beyond devastated by his death.

My condolences on the loss of your loved one. It hasn't even been a month for me yet so I think of him constantly. My life was so intertwined with his, I associate just about everything with him.

My heartfelt condolences on your loss. A lot of what you described sounds like not only the old me that this just happened to, but the young me almost 30 years ago when my daughter's Dad was killed on the job. We weren't legally married, I was in my mid 20's & with a 2 1/2 yr old and a 9 month old, I was crazy with grief. I knew what he died of though & my daughter's were what kept me going. Now, I'm in my mid 50's, my daughter's are grown & I have no answers as to why I'm now alone & my soul mate died. Now all we can do is try to survive the guilt, live with the unanswered questions, and maybe in between all of that try to find some bit of peace because in the end we can't change a damn thing. It happened and we are the ones left behind.

Kieron, I'm so sorry to hear of the pain your loved one suffered. It sounds like he was put through hell and back. My condolences. Shawn, my husband, had actually had his heel operated on, was on a multitude of antibiotics & had a wound vac on his heel, MOST of the time. It was supposed to remain on for 4-6 weeks, but he had some stupid/lazy nurses who didn't want to mess with it so it was off for a few days. It was back on the day he passed away & he had actually had an appt with his foot Dr the day before. I figured if she had found anything sketchy with his wound she would have had him readmitted to the hospital. The EMT that worked on Shawn said he may have passed from a pulmonary embolism which he had had in the past. Just like yourself, I was so devastated by Shawn's death that I just wasn't up to dealing with the emotional roller coaster of a lawsuit, but I could kick myself now for not doing it.

This topic definitely hit a nerve. My spouse had health problems which I don't deny, but 2 days before he went into the hospital he was employed full time as a a Security Guard. He was ambulatory, on no kind of oxygen & was 100% coherent. He did have an infected wound on his heel that was made worse because of his diabetes. He did not have Medicaid because he was employed, he couldn't afford the health insurance through work because the premiums were through the roof & he didn't have money stashed away. He went from being the man I described above to being on the highest level of oxygen full time, he started having tremors so badly, there were times he couldn't hold his phone to talk, he was cold all the time, he had moments of incoherency where he would text me gibberish or I would be on the phone with him & he either would stop mid sentence and forget to finish it or he had to think about what he wanted to say. He also had a few instances with hallicinations & hearing things that weren't there. This was NOT the man who walked into the hospital under his own steam and filled out all his required paperwork! He was then transferred to a Rehab Center for indigent patients & lets just say his care went downhill from there. Thanks to Covid restrictions, which he didn't have, I wasn't allowed to see him the last 3 weeks of his life. I feel very guilty for not being more proactive in his care or lack thereof. I should have raised all kinds of hell, especially with the Rehab Center. When he suddenly passed away I was devastated. I wasn't interested in money, but I wish now I would have filed a lawsuit against that place just so I would have at least known what he died from. They just listed his medical conditions as "natural causes". I miss him like crazy and I would give just about anything to have him back, but at the same time he was looking at being hooked to oxygen 24/7, needing help bathing, wearing diapers, having to be cleaned up, and eventually dialysis, along with multiple Dr's appointments which would have meant getting him around through narrow doors & an extra wide wheel chair. He was a good man, & that was no kind of life to wish on him or anyone else. I would have never wanted him to suffer like he did, but I'm still just so lost without him. It makes me seem selfish & cold to question his death.

Hello All, I'm new here and I'm glad for this site, but sorry any of us are here. I lost my spouse of almost 20 years on the 26th of September. He was my best friend, but more than that he was my support system. I've been through the loss of another loved one many years ago. My daughter's Dad was killed on the job when they were just babies, and although it was very hard on me & I grieved for a very long time, I had two children relying on me to care for them, so that took up a good part of my life. They were my blessings that helped keep my sanity. If you notice my user name, that's who I've been most of my life, K and V's Mom. Thankfully my daughter's are alive & well, but they are now grown, both work, they have their own lives & we don't relate to each other on certain topics. Back to life with Shawn. I was coming off a VERY bad divorce and met Shawn almost a year later in 2001. I was severely depressed and couldn't eat. I lost 75 lbs in 3 months which caused my gallbladder to get diseased. One night I was in such pain and doubled over that Shawn forced me to go to the ER where they did emergency surgery because my gallbladder was about to burst. We weren't even living together at the time, and although he couldn't afford it really, he called into work and stayed by my side in the hospital the 4 days it took me to recover. That's the kind of guy he was. Not perfect, either of us, & we had our ups & downs, but we always had each other's backs. We were both truck drivers, but that's another story. I'm not a wimp and I'm not dumb, but I had him in my life for such a long time, I have no idea how to be me without him? I miss him so much, but I'm just numb & empty. I take care of the bare minimum to get by, but I'm just going through the motions now. I don't have that support. I can't pick up the phone anytime of the day or night & know he's going to be on the other end. I miss our talks, our sometimes heated discussions. We made each other think & explore. I'm sorry if I'm rambling and this makes no sense. I guess I'm just saying, I lost a big part of me when he passed away unexpectedly and I don't know if I will ever be whole again?