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Joan_s

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Everything posted by Joan_s

  1. It’s been a few days to process it all. Even though most of my days I’m numb or in heart wrenching pain, this experience has completely short circuited my mind. I feel it was incompetence and plenty of failure but the fact they are in constant defense makes it that much worse when all I want to do is pick up his ashes and death certificate then try to pick up the rest of my life and find my path, whatever that direction will be. It’s like a huge mental blockade that is holding my emotions hostage. I’m too tired to get angry anymore, I’m too tired to invest that much energy right now. I have one recourse left and I want that to be the end of it. All this has just sent me backwards on my path to healing.
  2. @Gwenivere the company responded to a a bad review left by one of the guests in attendance. They were so unprofessional they actually misquoted me to put their own twist on the situation and stated 'since they are in the compassion industry, they understood the stages of grief' implying I wasn't in control of my faculties when I took up issue. I feel so naive, I knew there were businesses like this out there, just never thought in this one industry. I personally have not left anything negative because I still have to deal with the company to retrieve me husband's ashes and certificate. Right now I'm just so thankful to my friends who are up in arms and willing to help me fight. I've never in my life experienced grief, anger and anxiety all in one. It's a horrible, horrible combination. This is a link if anyone was curious (Sort filter to Newest/ Lowest rating) https://g.co/kgs/GCVLAA .
  3. I'm already beside myself with grief which has now been compounded with additional stress from the funeral service. The live streaming of the service was screwed up so badly and done without any sensitivity at all. The tech guy conducting the stream couldn't get the sound to work, started messing with the volume settings which popped up on screen DURING speaker eulogies which was broadcast to the audience and then proceeded to call his boss for tech support (who I thought was going to be conducting the service on the day from all original communication) in a really loud voice while we all sat in awkward silence. Friends tried to intervene while I was in complete shock and horror, getting angrier by the minute. I had to direct the tech on the slideshow, I had to tell him to play the provided music. I had to tell him to cue the speakers. I shouldn't have had to do any of this! I wish I was making this up and it was a scene from a comedy sketch but this was the actual nightmare I and all in attendance witnessed. Not once did the tech apologize. To add insult to injury, I had to call the funeral owner about the awful service. He told me to figure it out with the tech company as they were a third party! I paid the funeral home for this service and yet they expected me to find resolution with their contractor. I did not get a resolution, the tech company refused to refund me and then demanded more money for the footage. I asked the funeral home owner to step in and help me. He didn't resolve anything, threw out an insulting low amount which I did not accept. I again reached out to the tech company to try and get them to understand my position, the footage would be all I had. They kept repeating a scripted apology but again refused to give me a full refund for the service and then changed their tune after speaking with the funeral home and stated 'footage was unrecoverable.' My last communication was with the funeral owner, they got defensive when I pointed out the funds were paid to them and it should be refunded in full as I didn't receive the service I paid for and now I don't have any footage to remember the service . The owner literally told me to lawyer up and sue them before hanging up on me! I am now in the process of having to take this company to court. I don't even have my husband's ashes yet from this crooked company. My panic attacks are now worse and I haven't been able to grieve properly because I'm so livid.
  4. I just found your post. I couldn't believe how close the dates and situations we're in are almost identical. My kids are 10 and 13, I lost my husband on Oct 21st to sudden heart failure. We found him together. Trauma and loss is the most unbearable pain. I feel it's like a cruel cosmic joke. I wake up in the middle of the night temporarily forgetting he's gone then suddenly the realization he's never coming back hits like a semi. Rinse and repeat to the point I'm afraid to sleep. I understand the reality of just functioning to get through the day and be there for the kids but then having a sudden wave of hurt then start crying in the kitchen while in the middle of making lunch. That lost feeling, the missing part of our lives, a giant hole in our existence. I come to this forum to read when I give up trying to sleep. It's been helping. I hope it is able to do the same for you.
  5. I feel you with this part of grief. Being alone is when the crushing pain sets in without a buffer. For me it's been 10 days since that awful night I found my husband unexpectedly. I too wonder if this hurt will get any better. As much as I want to blast this pain into submission it's not something I feel we are able to avoid or control during our early stages of grief, but with everyone's support on this forum I think we can both find an outlet or solace in the words and experience from those who have been where we are but are now on another section of this journey. If anyone is able to help guide us through this topsy turvy maze of grief, it would be them. I come here often when waking up in a panic attack at odd hours of the night. I hope this gets better for both of us, I am holding your hand in spirit and walk with you on our way to healing.
  6. Today is my husband's Funeral-This will be my first funeral. He will be in an open casket then cremated. Because of covid, I also added the option of a live streaming for his friends and family out of state. Thank Goodness for modern technology. When making the arrangements I was in a fog, didn't realize the day fell on Halloween, but it works out; ironically it was always his favorite holiday. I honestly don't care if anyone in attendance thinks it's in bad taste. It's for him. Thank you everyone for the responses. The kind words of wisdom have helped immensely. The past few days have been a blur of crushing heartbreak, inability to fully process my reality and forcing myself to breath and function on a very basic level for the children's sake. Since that awful night I have been on the trauma rollercoaster but also trying to be sensitive and handle friends and family calling with question after question. Every call has forced me to relive that night. Witnessing their reactions and subsequent grief on top of my own raw emotion has been beyond torture. Being a naturally empathetic person it has taken a huge toll on me and I have at several points considered joining my husband. However, when dark thoughts have come I quickly pick up my phone and come to this forum, reread everyone's responses again and personal accounts of losing their spouse and try to imagine you are all surrounding me. It has helped me get through those dark alone moments you find yourself in; the times in-between calls, trying to rest, eating or using the restroom. Those odd snippets of time peppered throughout the day. This forum has been like reaching for an inhaler when I'm about to go into another panic attack. Even though the funeral arrangements have kept me busy and distracted, I have not had any time to fully process my situation and I feel after today is over, I will probably have a full mental break down. I know my next step is to find counseling for me and the kids, but realistic first it will be picking up the pieces and shards of this broken life. Paperwork to help us fund counselling and research free services. My journey to survival and eventual healing has begun...
  7. My husband died Oct 21 from a heart attack. Trauma is my existence right now, my heart feels like it’s going to implode from the pain that washes over me every 5 mins. Since the start of this pandemic we got into having unhealthy diets to ease the stress. Luckily we were able to work from home but both of us put on a lot of weight. He was also under additional stress from work midyear as they laid off his entire department and gave him all the work to do. He was already clinically obese and had high blood pressure, but stopped taking his meds thinking he didn't neg to as he wasn't going into a stress office environment. so October he was determined to get fit. We had just finished dinner and he had walked for only 30 min on our brand new treadmill. He said he had a slight chest pain and took two antacids then went for a shower and 15 min later I was the one who found him in the shower stall slumped over into a corner I tried to get him out of the shower to perform CPR, his face was already blue and I could see his fingertips and one foot was turning blue too. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t move him and yelled for my kids to call 911, my 10 year old son also tried to help me pull him out, finally I was able flip his legs over the edge and and get him flat on the floor. The tiles and wet floor made it difficult to get a good compression on him. I tried with all my might to give him mouth to mouth and compression until the paramedics got to us. They took over and tried everything they could for what seemed like an eternity. I was shaking uncontrollably on the edge of the bathtub hearing and seeing everything they did. The minute I heard one of them say "I'm calling it", I knew it was too late. He was dead. I asked if they could cover him up before I had to walk past him to find the kids. I didn't want to have the last image of my love with that blue face. The police officers took us into the kitchen and everything was a blur of paperwork and questions. The only thing I can remember from the fog was getting ushered into the back yard as the coroner brought his body downstairs. We didn't see him go. The one thing he tried to do to get healthy was the catalyst for his death. It hits very hard that he's gone. My loveable bear is now lying in a morgue. I’m angry and devastated. I blame myself for not trying hard enough, did my compression technique fail? Could I have tried harder? Should I have taken him to the ER when he said he felt chest pain? Why didn't he take his blood pressure meds? Why didn't he stop sneaking junk food while he was out running errands? The kids and I are in a fog with no where to go. Bereavement allowance from work is only 5 days. Their school is 10 days. We left the house for the first time yesterday, only to return to the house feeling empty and silent. I feel numb. Like I'm in a nightmare. HIs body imprint is still in the master bedroom carpet, there is vomit on the floor from where they suctioned it out of his nose and mouth. I can't bring myself to enter the room alone to fetch clothes. I break down when I'm in the closet looking at his shirts that he only just wore a few days ago. I look at the imprint and wish he would appear. I wish I could go back in time to the moment he said "slight chest pain " and whisk him away to the ER. I'm crying in great big sobs that alarm the kids. I have to stop or I'm going to lose my mind.
  8. Mojo I am new here, my husband passed away from a heart attack too on October 21st. I understand the raw pain you are feeling, it’s so very very hard to function. You feel completely broken. I feel like I was dropped from a tall building then electrocuted after I hit the floor. After reading your words I feel like I wrote them because I feel the exact same way. I have two kids in middle school he was a step father to. He was the best father they’d ever known. Nothing can prepare you for the shock. Nothing. We haven’t slept, we have barely eaten but I force the kids to at least get down a few bites and drink water. We just bought our house in July and still have things left to unpack. He handled all the finances because he was very particular about things and wouldn’t let me help. I’m devastated he didn’t even get to enjoy his hard work and his dream home. I’m sorry this seems so unorganized, my thoughts are scrambled and I can’t make heads or tails out of my thoughts and my emotions are on a nightmare roller coaster.
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