PJW

Thank you kayc and Marty T for your responses. Though it has been 9 months since my most recent loss of my brother there is a sense that I am moving into a better space. I sense the fog (like a protective bubble) beginning to crumble. The waves are not as strong. I hate feeling this way and I struggle just to accept where I am.

It's been 9 months since my middle brother died. My own health has not been good and I wonder how much of what I am feeling physically, Mentally, and spiritually is tied up with his death. He stepped in when I lost my Dad very young. He was, for a time, a surrogate Dad. He was a bridge between the oldest and me the youngest; making sure everyone stayed connected. He was a caretaker for my mom. which, in hindsight, allowed us other siblings to pursue other interests. You know when he died. at home, I wish I could have seen him to say goodbye. I live in another state far away. He wanted me to come but said don't because of the Covid virus, and the hospital wouldn't have allowed it anyway. As I sat down to write these few lines this afternoon tears roll down my cheeks. Not only did my brother die but I had to clean out the house where he lived ( our homestead) and sell it . It was a house packed full of memories and a place to always come home too though as the year went on we didn't come back as often. I have 2 older siblings left back home. They are much older, and I really didn't grow up with them as much as the other ones that have passed. I feel good that these tears are emerging. My health issues are being addressed and I do believe, to some degree, they are entangled in my grieving. I come back to this sight periodically to grieve my losses and am grateful for the responses of others. It's an emotional home for me.

Yesterday my wife, and I and my daughter put up the Christmas tree and decorations. I felt so many different feelings. Perhaps the one that has emerged for me the most is my anger towards my brother for not taking better care of himself. As I exercised this morning I told God how angry I was at him and my other siblings for not taking care of themselves.....even my Dad who died when I was a young boy didn't care for himself either. It's strange because I feel guilty for caring for myself.

It's no surprise that I have a good day feeling wise and then a day full of "bumps in the road". December 1st was a very rough day. Didn't have a clue until I remember it was 2 months to the day that my brother Dave died. He passed on October 1st. Today, for some strange reason I have been reminiscing about my Dad who passed in 1964 when I was 11 years old. While exercising I recalled how my Dad would walk me to church on cold mornings when I was scheduled to serve. Now I am walking in the present sharing how all my siblings (including my brother that just died) were left with a wound in our hearts that was left by him. Tears come to my eyes as I wish he was here now. I take great consolation in my faith and how Jesus was present as the 2 followers walked on the road to Emmaus sharing there grief. It's kind of like Dad and I sharing on the road. At various times in my life I have always come back to my Dad and the loss of him in my life. My brother was like a father figure to me....does this make sense?

Tomorrow marks the 27th anniversary of my brother Tom's death. Back then it was the day after Thanksgiving not the day itself. Another brother just died October 1st of this year. I'm sad because Thanksgiving , when I was a child, was family gathering. I miss my family of origin... my Mom, Dad, and brothers and sister who have all passed. It's hard to focus on my family now ... though I love them very much and am grateful for them I feel sad and angry that the others are gone and not here anymore. I am angry at God, angry at my loved ones that they didn't take care of themselves health wise in order to live longer. I know this anger...it is no stranger to me.....I see no benefit in holding onto it.

Just got a call from a friend who's grandson was killed in a tragic accident on a farm. In his grieving he asked how I was doing with the loss of my brother. We shared each others losses and the emotions. It made me realize, even more so, that death and loss do not discriminate. I truly felt continued support and love from another besides what my family has given me. Journaling and exercising also help in expressing my feelings of loss. What's been a shock to me is how grieving for my brother has taken me back to the death of my dad when I was 11 and how my brother was the first one to reach out to me in support at that time. He took over as my father figure though he was very young himself. Tears come forth as a remember how much he loved me through his life.

Thanks for the response Kayc. I have been to this sight a few times in the past when my other brother passed at age 43, and when my sister passed at age 63. Though it has been years since both of them died grieving the death of my recent brother age 73 brings back memories of the other 2. I miss them very much. Holiday time of course is a flurry of family activity and there is a wole in my heart that can't be filled. Thanks for being here, again, to listen.

My brother passed away on October 1st. I had spoken to him numerous times that week for which I am grateful. Handling his affairs kept me from avoiding the feelings of grief that have since come up clamoring for attention. They way this always happens is that something physical like sinus or stomach pain seems to come about. As soon as my brothers affairs started to settle is when the clamoring began. I have always used writing to express my love for those that I have lost. My brother was no exception. He stayed with my Mom in our home until she was too ill for him to handle and needed professional care at a nursing home. She passed in 2009 but he stayed there until his death in October. I have so many memories of him. He was like the dad of my childhood and adolescent years because my Dad passed in 1964. My brother was just 17. I was 11. I have older siblings, but at the time they were married and out of the house. Part of handling his affairs is I had to step up to the plate to sell our home. The older siblings are very health compromised. I didn't realize what the house meant to me until now. I live out of state and my wife and I had to travel some distance not just for the funeral but to return to take some of the furniture and memorabilia back home with us. Going through pictures of my family members who are deceased and living, as well as pictures of my brother that died. I hate grieving....this past week I had noticed spikes in my blood pressure and pain in my abdomen area ( I have an inguinal hernia). I do think that the high BP is part of the grieving but I needed to get the hernia area checked out. My doctor listened and understood about my experience of loss and how that can affect everything, but she was very concerned about my hernia and intermittent pain and ordered a repair surgery stat. So now I am waiting to be seen by a surgeon. Meanwhile through a combination of writing and checking out the doctor my BP seems to be coming into a normal range. I have to say I was scared for awhile no matter how much I know about grieving and loss. Sometimes I feel that the loss of my brother and the loss of my childhood home is overwhelming. I am the only one left that was raised in that home. I can identify with JB in that I continue to deal with anxiety and depression but medication and counseling throughout my life have taught me ways to manage it. I too am sorry for the loss of your brother who was a strength and support as well.