selena1988

I made an edited version instead.

Kayc, thanks for your spot on response as always. Your kind words and care for everyone on this board truly is amazing. I know you come from a good place, but can you please remove the link to the previous thread? My ex has it and I don't want him to see my new posts on here. So I prefer these posts to not be linked.

Hi everyone, Not sure if anyone here remembers me from last year. I believe that my last post was related to me meeting up with my (now) ex-boyfriend in late January. Now, looking back, I understand that there were many signs of what was coming, I just forced myself to be patient and understanding, but even if you love someone so much, you have a limit. Me meeting up with my ex again made me indeed realize that he changed as a person. Although I was the one who pulled the plug, I'd say it was kind of a mutual decision. I felt bad for doing that, but if this time in my life did teach me anything it must be that you can't grow a healthy relationship with anyone if they're not happy. I'm not saying we should be at the top of our game all the time, but I truly feel there is a difference between how I handled my grief and my ex ended his. Three months in I still think about the what ifs, but I also understand why I'm better off without him, and I'm kind of okay with that. At times I feel a physical loss might have been easier to accept, because I believe some parts of me will always grieve the pieces he left behind. All the promises, the beliefs, the values I thought we shared, they were only there during our good times. Time and time again after the break up he has portrayed nasty nabits, however I decided to keep him around. Well, not anymore. I wanted a friendship with him, but I realize that every time he lets me down, even as a friend, I feel disappointed. The only good thing about keeping him around for so long is that I've seen enough to not feel too bad about it. To quote my coach "Believe someone when they show you who they are." My thoughts go out to everyone who feels hurt because their support wasn't appreciated. Their love wasn't recognized the way it should. Their hopes were smashed. It's heartbreaking. I always used to believe in the saying "if you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. " In my opinion true, but only to some extent. In the end, the one at their worst need to try to heal so everyone around them don't bleed. In the next couple of days I'll stop using my Norwegian number anymore. That's the end of his chapter and the beginning of mine. Nothing hurts more than being in a place where one's not appreciated. Where one's care is considered a burden. If that's how they feel, give them what they want. Like I told my friend the other day "Why prioritize soneone in my life when they clearly don't appreciate it?" Even as a friend. It's not like I lack anything in that departement. Getting back on the dating scene has made me understood that no one is unique, and there are people who want things to work. What hurts the most is that I really gave him my all. It will take some time to be able to give all that to someone else, but I know I'll get there one day soon.

Edited for privacy concerns

Thank you so much for sharing these resources, Marty. I'll definetely take a closer look at them.

Hi kayc Thank you so much for your beautiful and thought of response as always. I really appreciate your kind words and faith in my decision. Also, I really admire the effort you put into responding to everyone here.😻 Sorry for the bit of a delayed response on my end. I've been taking some time offline to focus on my family, my boyfriend and just enjoying the holidays. I've had some good discussions with my boyfriend about this topic, and for now I've decided to invest the amount. I need some perspective to be sure of my decisions and there's no rush to spend anything. If anything, the lump sum I can donate will be even more down the line.

Proud of you. I know this must be very difficult for you. Would love to hear how things pan out for you. Wish you too a happy new year, must 2021 be filled with love, hope, and new beginnings. Maybe, in a weird way, this was the final push you needed to break free. Take care 🌸

Thanks for making that clear, that changes the context a little bit. If you do decide to send her a "clean slate" message, maybe add this part to it. Sum it up the way you did to me, I think she would appreciate that. Then follow up on your plan. As much as we want to remain friends with our exes, it's very difficult, especially straight of the bat. Although you may not intend to put any pressure on her, she can still feel that's the case. That's the problem; feelings are too raw. It sounds like the movie night was a miscommunication. I can totally understand why you feel hurt, and although this doesn't exuce her behaviour, I have a feeling she may not want to turn you down more than she already did.

I'm so sorry to hear about the latest development. I understand that you feel she hasn't provided you the ending/closure you needed, but here's the thing; more often than not, that's unfortunately the case. In your opinion, her saying she suddenly lost feelings doesn't make sense, while for her, that's the reality and her telling you that was her way of providing you closure. You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt, but unfortunately, you won't get the closure you need from her. Sometimes we need to find the closure within ourselves. When she doesn't respond about meeting up, it means she's not ready yet. Like I mentioned in my previous post, time is the best healing, and you need to allow her and yourself time to heal. Going no contact for some time is probably best, both to heal and gain new perspective. I understand that losing your first love, the one you thought was the one, for no fault of yours, is very painful. Her avoiding you probably adds to that feeling. Let her be for some time. Keep talking with people you trust, update this topic, but I advice that you stop posting about the relationship on your blog, alternatively block her from reading. Her reading your blog about the break up is an one sided experience, and if anything, I believe she'll feel that you push her even further away. You look at things from your perspective, she has her own. Although you may feel that your posts are open-minded or informative, chances are, she feels it's another way of trying to convince her. As much as I understand your situation, let me try to put myself in her shoes for a minute. If I told someone I would meet him months down the lane, I would probably feel uncomfortable if I felt he wanted me to commit to a date before I was ready. She's confused and while I can understand why her not responding hurts, it's likely that she can't process the idea of a meeting right now. I have a feeling that she feels the blog posts, combined with your requests, probably are overwhelming to deal with. If I was in your shoes, I would have texted her: "Sorry if you feel I got a bit emotional and demanding during our call. This relationship meant a great deal to me, sometimes my emotions may run wild. I apologize and promise to honor your request for space to an even larger extent from now on." That way you acknowledge her feelings, and that this conversation wasn't great, however, that's all you should do. As you said, she's not dealing well with the situation at all, and although she could feel uncomfortable, responding to someone is a general courtsey. Sending you a big hug! Hang in there💗💗💗

I'm so happy to hear that it helped, Baxter.💗 To be honest, she said she doesn't have feelings and although her perspective is a little lost, I still feel that you posting on your blog, sending her messages, trying to convince her, isn't the way to go. In fact, I have a feeling that the more you do this, the further she pushes her away. Let's turn the tables; in her opinion, she shared her true feelings (she's not in love with you anymore), and you keep on asking her to meet up, try to show her how her judgement is clouded... if she has no feelings left, this behaviour will probably annoy her. For her, it may feel like you don't accept her decision. Meeting with her before she gets time to heal will probably cause more harm than good. If she really is the one for you, you giving her space for a few months won't change that fact. Take a step, back. Think. How would you advice Cody in this situation? Most of the things you shared with him also applies for you I feel. A lot of people feel that giving their ex space is the worst thing you can do, however, it's actually the opposite. We all want to be the captain of our own lives and that part comes from inner motivation. For her to be able to miss you, you need to leave completely. My coach once told me this and it's so true: "If it costs you peace, it's too expensive. "

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Hi Baxter, Please forgive if I lost out on any details, however I feel that this topic helped me understand the big lines. First of all, let me start by saying that I'm truly sorry for your situation. Going through a heartbreak is never easy, and speaking from my experience- I know that the first love leaves a long lasting impression. As I've mentioned to several people, I feel you deserve better than this. Of course losing a loved one is difficult, and we can't blame people for reacting to such a difficult situation, however, I do feel that we can expect them to treat us with respect. In terms of your ex-girlfriend, it's difficult to tell whether she truly lost feelings for YOU or whether it's the grief that's made her uncertain. Given we only hear one side of the story on this board, I always try my best to not assume what the other person may think/feel, because a) I don't know them and b) I truly believe in the fact that although we can't control external factors, we can control our reaction to them. Let's say it's her lack of coping that made her think she lost feelings, does that change things for you? Practically speaking, no, she'd still ask for space, and you'd still be left hurting. Given my age (32), I've had my fair share of relationships,I even left my ex-husband. Trust me when I say: in 99% of the cases it's about more than the situation, it's about how we deal with it. As I told, Cody, let's say that you and this girl reconcile down the track; how can you trust that she'll deal with another tragedy better later on in life? As much as you and Cody want your exes back and fix things with them, please keep in mind that the relationship didn't work for a reason. It's easy to think that "once she's done grieving, we can get back on track ", but to be honest: in a way, you're lucky. You now know that when push comes to shove she may not be able to be there for you, and is that a quality you want and/or need in a future wife? I feel that first and foremost you need to accept that her relationship with you is over. You'll never get your old relationship back, if you want to build something new with her, that's on new terms. Regardless of whether you're going to get over with her or try to get back on track, remember; this relationship is dead. You need to grieve it, and work on getting yourself in another mindset to be able to gain some perspective. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, yet I do feel the need to be honest, and I feel you're not there yet. I doubt you'll be there in a month too. Look, if this girl really is your future wife, you need to allow yourself anf her time to heal. The sad reality is; right now she's not in any position to give you what you need. Stability,communication and commitment are all important factors in any healthy relationship. In my opinion, she's not mature enough to get there in the span of weeks/few months. She needs to get herself right, and maybe then understand that letting her boyfriend go just like that was a result of something else. In psychology we seperate between inner and outer motivation. Your conversation, you trying to get back with her, can perhaps motivate her from an outside perspective, however, if you two are going to make it work, you need to allow her to find her inner motivation. She needs to change her attachment style, her way of communication and similar concepts, however these things doesn't happen over night. Please don't wait for her to sort herself out (if she ever does). Move on with your life, your studies, and start understanding what you can provide and what you need from a partner. The painful reality is, very few of us end up marrying our first love, but we grow, and we learn from our past "mistakes." Please know that love is out there and love will find you. A few hours ago I read this quote on Instagram and it feels right to share it with you and @CommanderCody; "Are you fighting for love, or are you fighting for them to love you." I instantly thought of Cody, and now you too. It may seem similar, but to be honest, in my opinion, it makes all the difference.

Hi Baxter, Thank you so much for your kind words. No people or relationships are similar, so it's difficult to predict whether we're doing better- that said I'm proud of myself and him both for maintaining an open and clear line of communication. Good to hear from you. I've been reading your posts here, and in your own thread. Just wanted to make sure I'm up to speed on the latest development, but thought I'd respond to you in that topic. A lot of details to skim through. Just an idea that hit me, if you and/or @CommanderCodyfeels it would help, I'd love to ask my boyfriend to provide some input for you. I have a feeling that he might find these threads a bit long, however, if anyone of you want the input from someone who's mourning a loss, feel free to DM me with a summary of the situation and/or any questions. I can't promise that he'll respond or respond right away, but I'll ask for input. So again, if a male/mourning perspective may help, feel free to DM me.

I kindly disagree with you there. If someone is in a relationship, they can't just leave things hanging the way Alek did. Look, the reason why I've been offline for a couple of weeks is because my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch in our relationship. First he told me that he needed some time to progress our relationship the way we wanted - which is fair. He's not himself fully right now, and although there were a few minor details I wished he approached differently, I'd still say he's doing a damn good job. 1) He wanted to discuss options with me, even when I wanted to call things off in the heat of the moment. 2) He listened to my input and my needs, and he said something super important: "You need to be happy too. You can't sacrifice your own happiness for me." Now, we both have some space to focus on getting back on track the next months and we both support each other fully. 3) He always said "I need to get back to a new normal, and I want you to be a part of the new normal. 4) He realized that I also needed some perspective and together we drew a time line for engagement and so on that we both feel comfortable with. 5) He still wants to progress bits and pieces of our relationship meanwhile, such as introduction to each others parents etc. As you probably can imagine this is very private and I only share this with you to show you the difference. My boyfriend was heartbroken and totally lost a few weeks ago, and truth be told, he's still not doing very well. Regardless, he keeps me and my happiness a priority too. He's also open and honest because he wants us to work in the long run. If they want you around, they won't let you go. If something affects the relationship, they'll do their best to soften the blow.

Of course. Getting over someone is difficult and will take time. Most relationship experts recommend people that are dealing with a break up to go no contact and focus on themselves. Make sure you're the best version of yourself. If you were to divide your life into three categories; health, wealth and relationships, what needs work? Mental health/getting in shape? A promotion at work/put more effort into studies? Find a new hobby? Expand your friend's circle? By finding new goals your energy will automatically start to shift.