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selena1988

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Everything posted by selena1988

  1. Kayc, thanks for your spot on response as always. Your kind words and care for everyone on this board truly is amazing. I know you come from a good place, but can you please remove the link to the previous thread? My ex has it and I don't want him to see my new posts on here. So I prefer these posts to not be linked.
  2. Hi everyone, Not sure if anyone here remembers me from last year. I believe that my last post was related to me meeting up with my (now) ex-boyfriend in late January. Now, looking back, I understand that there were many signs of what was coming, I just forced myself to be patient and understanding, but even if you love someone so much, you have a limit. Me meeting up with my ex again made me indeed realize that he changed as a person. Although I was the one who pulled the plug, I'd say it was kind of a mutual decision. I felt bad for doing that, but if this time in my life did teach me anything it must be that you can't grow a healthy relationship with anyone if they're not happy. I'm not saying we should be at the top of our game all the time, but I truly feel there is a difference between how I handled my grief and my ex ended his. Three months in I still think about the what ifs, but I also understand why I'm better off without him, and I'm kind of okay with that. At times I feel a physical loss might have been easier to accept, because I believe some parts of me will always grieve the pieces he left behind. All the promises, the beliefs, the values I thought we shared, they were only there during our good times. Time and time again after the break up he has portrayed nasty nabits, however I decided to keep him around. Well, not anymore. I wanted a friendship with him, but I realize that every time he lets me down, even as a friend, I feel disappointed. The only good thing about keeping him around for so long is that I've seen enough to not feel too bad about it. To quote my coach "Believe someone when they show you who they are." My thoughts go out to everyone who feels hurt because their support wasn't appreciated. Their love wasn't recognized the way it should. Their hopes were smashed. It's heartbreaking. I always used to believe in the saying "if you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. " In my opinion true, but only to some extent. In the end, the one at their worst need to try to heal so everyone around them don't bleed. In the next couple of days I'll stop using my Norwegian number anymore. That's the end of his chapter and the beginning of mine. Nothing hurts more than being in a place where one's not appreciated. Where one's care is considered a burden. If that's how they feel, give them what they want. Like I told my friend the other day "Why prioritize soneone in my life when they clearly don't appreciate it?" Even as a friend. It's not like I lack anything in that departement. Getting back on the dating scene has made me understood that no one is unique, and there are people who want things to work. What hurts the most is that I really gave him my all. It will take some time to be able to give all that to someone else, but I know I'll get there one day soon.
  3. Thank you so much for sharing these resources, Marty. I'll definetely take a closer look at them.
  4. Hi kayc Thank you so much for your beautiful and thought of response as always. I really appreciate your kind words and faith in my decision. Also, I really admire the effort you put into responding to everyone here.😻 Sorry for the bit of a delayed response on my end. I've been taking some time offline to focus on my family, my boyfriend and just enjoying the holidays. I've had some good discussions with my boyfriend about this topic, and for now I've decided to invest the amount. I need some perspective to be sure of my decisions and there's no rush to spend anything. If anything, the lump sum I can donate will be even more down the line.
  5. Proud of you. I know this must be very difficult for you. Would love to hear how things pan out for you. Wish you too a happy new year, must 2021 be filled with love, hope, and new beginnings. Maybe, in a weird way, this was the final push you needed to break free. Take care 🌸
  6. Thanks for making that clear, that changes the context a little bit. If you do decide to send her a "clean slate" message, maybe add this part to it. Sum it up the way you did to me, I think she would appreciate that. Then follow up on your plan. As much as we want to remain friends with our exes, it's very difficult, especially straight of the bat. Although you may not intend to put any pressure on her, she can still feel that's the case. That's the problem; feelings are too raw. It sounds like the movie night was a miscommunication. I can totally understand why you feel hurt, and although this doesn't exuce her behaviour, I have a feeling she may not want to turn you down more than she already did.
  7. I'm so sorry to hear about the latest development. I understand that you feel she hasn't provided you the ending/closure you needed, but here's the thing; more often than not, that's unfortunately the case. In your opinion, her saying she suddenly lost feelings doesn't make sense, while for her, that's the reality and her telling you that was her way of providing you closure. You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt, but unfortunately, you won't get the closure you need from her. Sometimes we need to find the closure within ourselves. When she doesn't respond about meeting up, it means she's not ready yet. Like I mentioned in my previous post, time is the best healing, and you need to allow her and yourself time to heal. Going no contact for some time is probably best, both to heal and gain new perspective. I understand that losing your first love, the one you thought was the one, for no fault of yours, is very painful. Her avoiding you probably adds to that feeling. Let her be for some time. Keep talking with people you trust, update this topic, but I advice that you stop posting about the relationship on your blog, alternatively block her from reading. Her reading your blog about the break up is an one sided experience, and if anything, I believe she'll feel that you push her even further away. You look at things from your perspective, she has her own. Although you may feel that your posts are open-minded or informative, chances are, she feels it's another way of trying to convince her. As much as I understand your situation, let me try to put myself in her shoes for a minute. If I told someone I would meet him months down the lane, I would probably feel uncomfortable if I felt he wanted me to commit to a date before I was ready. She's confused and while I can understand why her not responding hurts, it's likely that she can't process the idea of a meeting right now. I have a feeling that she feels the blog posts, combined with your requests, probably are overwhelming to deal with. If I was in your shoes, I would have texted her: "Sorry if you feel I got a bit emotional and demanding during our call. This relationship meant a great deal to me, sometimes my emotions may run wild. I apologize and promise to honor your request for space to an even larger extent from now on." That way you acknowledge her feelings, and that this conversation wasn't great, however, that's all you should do. As you said, she's not dealing well with the situation at all, and although she could feel uncomfortable, responding to someone is a general courtsey. Sending you a big hug! Hang in there💗💗💗
  8. I'm so happy to hear that it helped, Baxter.💗 To be honest, she said she doesn't have feelings and although her perspective is a little lost, I still feel that you posting on your blog, sending her messages, trying to convince her, isn't the way to go. In fact, I have a feeling that the more you do this, the further she pushes her away. Let's turn the tables; in her opinion, she shared her true feelings (she's not in love with you anymore), and you keep on asking her to meet up, try to show her how her judgement is clouded... if she has no feelings left, this behaviour will probably annoy her. For her, it may feel like you don't accept her decision. Meeting with her before she gets time to heal will probably cause more harm than good. If she really is the one for you, you giving her space for a few months won't change that fact. Take a step, back. Think. How would you advice Cody in this situation? Most of the things you shared with him also applies for you I feel. A lot of people feel that giving their ex space is the worst thing you can do, however, it's actually the opposite. We all want to be the captain of our own lives and that part comes from inner motivation. For her to be able to miss you, you need to leave completely. My coach once told me this and it's so true: "If it costs you peace, it's too expensive. "
  9. Hi Baxter, Please forgive if I lost out on any details, however I feel that this topic helped me understand the big lines. First of all, let me start by saying that I'm truly sorry for your situation. Going through a heartbreak is never easy, and speaking from my experience- I know that the first love leaves a long lasting impression. As I've mentioned to several people, I feel you deserve better than this. Of course losing a loved one is difficult, and we can't blame people for reacting to such a difficult situation, however, I do feel that we can expect them to treat us with respect. In terms of your ex-girlfriend, it's difficult to tell whether she truly lost feelings for YOU or whether it's the grief that's made her uncertain. Given we only hear one side of the story on this board, I always try my best to not assume what the other person may think/feel, because a) I don't know them and b) I truly believe in the fact that although we can't control external factors, we can control our reaction to them. Let's say it's her lack of coping that made her think she lost feelings, does that change things for you? Practically speaking, no, she'd still ask for space, and you'd still be left hurting. Given my age (32), I've had my fair share of relationships,I even left my ex-husband. Trust me when I say: in 99% of the cases it's about more than the situation, it's about how we deal with it. As I told, Cody, let's say that you and this girl reconcile down the track; how can you trust that she'll deal with another tragedy better later on in life? As much as you and Cody want your exes back and fix things with them, please keep in mind that the relationship didn't work for a reason. It's easy to think that "once she's done grieving, we can get back on track ", but to be honest: in a way, you're lucky. You now know that when push comes to shove she may not be able to be there for you, and is that a quality you want and/or need in a future wife? I feel that first and foremost you need to accept that her relationship with you is over. You'll never get your old relationship back, if you want to build something new with her, that's on new terms. Regardless of whether you're going to get over with her or try to get back on track, remember; this relationship is dead. You need to grieve it, and work on getting yourself in another mindset to be able to gain some perspective. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, yet I do feel the need to be honest, and I feel you're not there yet. I doubt you'll be there in a month too. Look, if this girl really is your future wife, you need to allow yourself anf her time to heal. The sad reality is; right now she's not in any position to give you what you need. Stability,communication and commitment are all important factors in any healthy relationship. In my opinion, she's not mature enough to get there in the span of weeks/few months. She needs to get herself right, and maybe then understand that letting her boyfriend go just like that was a result of something else. In psychology we seperate between inner and outer motivation. Your conversation, you trying to get back with her, can perhaps motivate her from an outside perspective, however, if you two are going to make it work, you need to allow her to find her inner motivation. She needs to change her attachment style, her way of communication and similar concepts, however these things doesn't happen over night. Please don't wait for her to sort herself out (if she ever does). Move on with your life, your studies, and start understanding what you can provide and what you need from a partner. The painful reality is, very few of us end up marrying our first love, but we grow, and we learn from our past "mistakes." Please know that love is out there and love will find you. A few hours ago I read this quote on Instagram and it feels right to share it with you and @CommanderCody; "Are you fighting for love, or are you fighting for them to love you." I instantly thought of Cody, and now you too. It may seem similar, but to be honest, in my opinion, it makes all the difference.
  10. Hi Baxter, Thank you so much for your kind words. No people or relationships are similar, so it's difficult to predict whether we're doing better- that said I'm proud of myself and him both for maintaining an open and clear line of communication. Good to hear from you. I've been reading your posts here, and in your own thread. Just wanted to make sure I'm up to speed on the latest development, but thought I'd respond to you in that topic. A lot of details to skim through. Just an idea that hit me, if you and/or @CommanderCodyfeels it would help, I'd love to ask my boyfriend to provide some input for you. I have a feeling that he might find these threads a bit long, however, if anyone of you want the input from someone who's mourning a loss, feel free to DM me with a summary of the situation and/or any questions. I can't promise that he'll respond or respond right away, but I'll ask for input. So again, if a male/mourning perspective may help, feel free to DM me.
  11. I kindly disagree with you there. If someone is in a relationship, they can't just leave things hanging the way Alek did. Look, the reason why I've been offline for a couple of weeks is because my boyfriend and I hit a rough patch in our relationship. First he told me that he needed some time to progress our relationship the way we wanted - which is fair. He's not himself fully right now, and although there were a few minor details I wished he approached differently, I'd still say he's doing a damn good job. 1) He wanted to discuss options with me, even when I wanted to call things off in the heat of the moment. 2) He listened to my input and my needs, and he said something super important: "You need to be happy too. You can't sacrifice your own happiness for me." Now, we both have some space to focus on getting back on track the next months and we both support each other fully. 3) He always said "I need to get back to a new normal, and I want you to be a part of the new normal. 4) He realized that I also needed some perspective and together we drew a time line for engagement and so on that we both feel comfortable with. 5) He still wants to progress bits and pieces of our relationship meanwhile, such as introduction to each others parents etc. As you probably can imagine this is very private and I only share this with you to show you the difference. My boyfriend was heartbroken and totally lost a few weeks ago, and truth be told, he's still not doing very well. Regardless, he keeps me and my happiness a priority too. He's also open and honest because he wants us to work in the long run. If they want you around, they won't let you go. If something affects the relationship, they'll do their best to soften the blow.
  12. Of course. Getting over someone is difficult and will take time. Most relationship experts recommend people that are dealing with a break up to go no contact and focus on themselves. Make sure you're the best version of yourself. If you were to divide your life into three categories; health, wealth and relationships, what needs work? Mental health/getting in shape? A promotion at work/put more effort into studies? Find a new hobby? Expand your friend's circle? By finding new goals your energy will automatically start to shift.
  13. I feel like I'm repeating myself, please forgive me if I do, however I don't think that anything you said/did would change the outcome. She still wouldn't put in effort or communicate properly. Any healthy relationship need those qualities to progress.
  14. I'm sorry if I come across a bit harsh, but kayc is absolutely right; right now your behaviour is not constructive. I acknowledge that this might not be what you want to hear, but you can't control external factors, the only thing you can control is your reaction to them. We can keep on running in circles, however it doesn't change the fact that your ex remains your ex. Nothing that KayC or I say will change her behaviour. She is who she is, and she wants someone who wants to comfort her without providing anything in return - those are the hard facts. I definitely feel that you should be able to have expectations in any functioning relationship, so no - it's not wrong to feel that way. What I feel is less constructive is to wish for your ex to be this and that. She has clearly shown and communicated her stance, now you need to act accordingly. Moving on is hard. Moving on from your first love is even harder. We've all been there and I know that me saying "time heal all wounds" and "you'll end up stronger" might not help. The best thing you can do is to accept that you will hurt for some time. You will miss what was (and wasn't) meant to be. You'll want the happy ending that didn't happen. As you say, you may even want her to be a different version of herself. Unfortunately, she is who she is. Rather than killing yourself over what didn't happen, or what in your head could have happened, try to focus on the situation at hand. Focus on you and your healing process. After all, that's the only thing you can impact.
  15. Thank you for providing additional details - that's helpful. That said, I feel my point still remains; she needs to save herself (and part of that is to get better at communicating). Communicating that you have a difficult time and need space is not the way to build a future with someone. It's basically her molding her own recovery/future without including you in it. Again, all people are different, but I just want to share my boyfriend's approach (just to illustrate the difference): As I've mentioned he's in his country of origin at the time being, and has stayed there since his mother's passing. He told me that going back to the States will probably trigger it's own set of emotions, and I wanted to show that I respect if he needed a few days alone upon arrival, however, his immediate response was; I'd love to have you around during my time of need. He was very honest about how he knows he'll react in some way, and I really appreciate that. I'd love to be there for him, but more importantly, I love that although he struggles, he allows me to be there for him. That's the kind of husband I want, and down the line, the kind of life partner you deserve as well. As many people have pointed out previously, I don't think you should kill yourself over "perhaps saying the wrong thing." Look, I probably say "wrong" things to my boyfriend all the time, but as he says, at the end of the day it's the commitment, it's me caring, that matters. To be blunt, this is about her, not you. Even if you could have worded yourself differently, that doesn't mean that you're wrong. You did your best given the amount of information you had at the time. That's all you can do. Neither can you be so worried about saying the wrong things to scare her way. A relationship is not the place you feel like walking on egg shells. By all means, I'm sure she's a great girl given your care for her, but she definitely has some work to put in to be able to work in a long term relationship. You're ready, committed and willing, she's just not there, and as you said, it's better to find out now than five months down the track. I'm sure you'll make one lucky girl very happy one day, just remember, there are two people in a relationship, and although you want to give up everything for someone, it's not healthy or in any way attractive. Spend this time on your passions and increase your own value in your own mind. You're wayyy more amazing than you feel right now.
  16. Thanks for mentioning this, I'd love to check it out, given that I'm fascinated by how heartache can overwhelm us. I can very much relate to what you're describing. The only way to get the addiction under control is to refrain from anything that triggers it for some time. If I can suggest something, it would be to check out Love Advice TV on YouTube. I really love their advice on how to move on. Wish you all the best in your recovery.💞
  17. 1. In my opinion, mourning/depression, is not an exuce to treat people poorly, especially not your loved ones. Does that mean that she can't have an off day or off moments? Of course not. What it means though, is that although she has her bad days, she doesn't checked out completely. Imagine if you had a family with her, would it be okay for her to neglect her kids too? 3. I'm sorry, but to me it doesn't sound like she's trying. If she at least said: "You know what, I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but please know that I need you", or any kind of acknowledgement, that would be trying. She's just silent and distant, and that's not how you treat someone you want to build a future with. I understand that she's overwhelmed, but in that case, she needs to ask for support. My boyfriend and I saw a therapist together, and he was as open to the idea that I was. My point is; it's okay to not know how to handle things, but it's not okay to neglect someone for months. Maybe you should ask yourself, why are you that guy right now? Why do you feel that you should put up with her behaviour? I had an ex-boyfriend who turned hot and cold too. It was an emotional turmoil and I stayed way longer than I should have. I used to make up all these exuces for him; "he's just not emotionally available", "he's struggling right now" and "I'm sure if I only provide him more space. It took me months in therapy to realize this; 1. Life is tough, and we're all responsible for the decisions we make. As much as you want to be there for someone, you can't save them. That's their job. 2. I'm a good person and I deserve a good partner that builds a future WITH me, rather than his future. I deserve someone who gives me time and attention and who makes me feel safe. Sure, there will be times when all of us are less emotionally available, however, that doesn't make it allright to check out of the relationship. 3. I need someone who can be there for me through everything. That's why the wedding wovs are the way they are; thick/thin // sickness/in health. To quote my boyfriend: my value as a boyfriend, a finance and a husband is linked to how I support you during your darkest times. I'd like to add: also how he allows me to support him. Even if someone needs space, they need to communicate that. And sorry, but no text for nine days? Not even a good morning? I understand that hardcore relationship talk is difficult (although my boyfriend and I still have those conversations too), but light-headed, easy conversations? I definetely feel that if she wanted you badly in her life she wouldn't go nine days without communicating with you. I think that if you two are going to have any chances of getting back together or even being friends down the line, you need to work on yourself first. You need to figure out your priorities, your value, and get over the mourning of what was. Only then you can start communicating on new terms with a fresh mindset. Remaining friends with an ex is always hard, especially initially. It will slow down the recovery process, because it's likely that some feelings will keep on lingering. If you’re meant to be friends, you can pick up that thread down the line. However, for the time being, I feel you make justice to both her and yourself by letting yourself heal first.
  18. I feel that Kay C has provided some sound advice and perspective on the grieving process. Personally, I try to refrain from judging others, because a) You can't control external factors (i.e Alek) and b) You need to listen to your gut feeling I feel that a lot of your thoughts and reactions are based on what you THINK Alek may or may not feel, and there's very less focus on how you feel. So far I have gathered this much; 1. You feel she's not treating you right 2) You want to be with someone you can be with long-terms 3) Her actions doesn't give you a lot of confidence about the future prospects with her Let me ask you this: let's say she reaches out. You respond, you two start talking again, then she disappears again- will that leave you in a different spot down the line? Look, I understand that she's your first love, and that first love is always difficult to get over. That said, they're often first loves for a reason; we learn, we grow, we build. Honestly speaking, I feel it's not constructive to answer "would she feel this, could she think like that. " She might or she might not. At the end of the day, the only person who can provide these answers is Alek, and she has decided not to. That leaves you with basically no other choice than using your own feelings to navigate. Not to sound like a broken record, but if she cared, she wouldn't leave you hanging. She wouldn't stop talking with you for nine full days. I'm sorry, I know that's painful to hear, and not what you want to hear, but that's my honest opinion. As my dad once wisely said; you can always make exuces for someone, but at some point you need to ask yourself; should you have to? Sure, she's going through a tough time, and I feel for her, but truthfully, as much as her mourning makes everything difficult, so does her communication style and attachment style. I recommend that you read up on assertive communication and attachment styles. These patterns are difficult to change, and the way she reacts, makes me doubt her ability to handle crisis in general. Again, this is not me judging HER, but looking at her traits and reaction patterns. I still feel that giving her the silent treatment is the best thing to. If you start communicating again you basically show her two things. 1: She can handle you however she wants. 2: There’s no need for her to communicate well, because once she starts communicating anything, you'll welcome her with open arms. That said, the decision is yours. You need to decide what matters for you and act accordingly. No one of us can tell you how to decide on that, that's a decision you need to make on your own.
  19. I'm sorry, I didn't catch the part about her 'ignoring' you. In your post you said she told you she needed space in September, but she clearly didn't do that this time around. Her actions speaks louder than words. She doesn't want a relationship like everyone and you say, she wants a backup plan. Honestly, I feel this clarification changed my opinion; I feel you shouldn't respond or reach out to her.
  20. In my opinion, there's no right or wrong here, I'd encoruage you to do what you feel comfortable with. I agree with Kay C ,I definetely don't feel like you owe her any explanation, and as we all agree; this is ultimately Aleks' decision. That said, if you feel like a final text will help you feel comfortable, listen to your gut feeling. Just be aware as we all point out, it can lead to a discussion and create more guilt. Again, we can only provide our input, you know her the best. If you feel she would accept a text like that without arguing, perhaps it's worth it. On the other hand, if she turns it into a guilt trip, maybe not. I definetely think ignoring her will send the right message, and I agree with everyone that you’ve done more than enough. However, if you feel guilty every time she reaches out, and you feel this is something that will stick,then maybe a short explanation will help.
  21. I understand that cutting ties is difficult. There's a reason why relationship counselors compare it to "letting go of a drug addiction." I feel that both your father and your friend have provided sound advice. For the time being, I feel "time heals all wounds" is the motto to live by. Every time you respond to Alek or her family, you prolong the pain. Perhaps sending her a carefully drafted e-mail is the way to go. I just ask myself whether it's worth it. Most likely it may lead to some sort of discussion from her end, and do you need that right now? If I were in your shoes I'd probably send her something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I'm going through a difficult time and need some space to focus on my own well-being. I appreciate everything she taught me and the moments we shared. I wish her and her family all the best moving forward. " If she cares, she'll understand where your coming from. As Kay Ce rightly said; she knows how to look after herself. Now you need to do the same.
  22. I'm so sorry to hear that it came to this, but also happy to hear that you're looking at it as an experience. Unfortunately, during our lives we meet people that we love, but the timing is off. I read this quote in another post here; You need to meet people where they are, but sometimes you gotta leave them there. People may have the best intentions, but sometimes they don't have the experience and/or emotional tools to work towards the outcome they want. Thank you so much for your kind words and condolences. I'm incredibly proud of my boyfriend, and today he left me a voice mail telling me how happy our conversation made him. That made my day. I feel really grateful that he's such a great communicator, and I can only imagine how hard it must be when your partner shuts down completely.💕
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