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BaxterBurg

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  1. I'm very sorry that you found this out, and I understand how you must feel. I think, as Kayc might also say, this is common for them to start dating close after the break up, even if they are still grieving. Moreover, some people just can't handle being alone, and it shouldn't reflect on you as a person. But regardless of the reason, it's very hurtful, and I had to experience the same thing. It's okay to feel sad - but whether you are open to love again is within you; I think you can grow stronger from this experience rather than it leaving you scarred. I recommend the book "Psyco cybernetics" if you're in the mood for reading. Take care
  2. People do strange things after a break up, not really worth wondering about. My ex did weird things like that too and it could be anything, but I think it was guilt and it just made things worse. Your mind will try to convince you it means something positive for the high, but don't let it. Block her if you feel you need to do so, this is all about you and your own recovery - not about how she feels.
  3. I can only speak from experience here, and I don't want to cause you anxiety, but my ex and I agreed to have a meeting to talk about the relationship too, but she just ended up finding someone else and brushing me off. Unfortunately the hope you are feeling will probably last a while, but: The hope really hurt me and really delayed my healing. There were days I was totally convinced we would be back together and it only left me devastated when I saw this new guy was in the picture. Do your best to stay away, and read the Ovid quotes in my profile description if you like--it's ancient knowledge. Take care!
  4. Oh yes, this could have easily been written by me 5 months ago--it's like a blue print that they all follow. I completely understand why you feel/felt insecure--she tried to make up reasons to break up before doing it, and some of those things haunt me to this day. Walking on egg shells is the worst; and the hot/cold behaviour burns you out incredibly-- Those were the worst months of my life, as maybe you can relate. I often tell myself when I'm feeling down: "at least I'm not in that position anymore" and I feel better. It does get better, and happiness is attainable again. Take care!
  5. This must be so difficult for you; but no matter what happens, I am confident you will make it through this.
  6. Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear of his loss and now your loss of the relationship-I can somewhat understand how difficult this must be for you. While my relationship was a lot shorter than yours, your reaction is very similiar to my own. You're far from stupid for holding out hope; I think everyone here has held onto some hope that they will come back, including myself for over a month while I stayed in contact with her. However, as you may know, there hasn't been any examples of them coming back, and hope is one of those things that will keep you from healing. We all hope we are the exception, but think of it as an addiction--every dose of hope is what keeps your addiction alive and we will do anything for that dose. As kayc has told me before: they don't know their own mind while grieving, so it's best to try not read anything into what they are saying. It's best to focus on you and your healing right now, although I understand how much easier said than done this is--I understand how much you care for him. Take care, and I'm hoping the best for you.
  7. I agree. Hope is the worst thing you can have right now and it will only delay your healing; your mind is trying to get any dose of it it can right now.
  8. So sorry to hear of your situation. Don't be hard on yourself when it comes to feeling insecure; feeling someone pull away from a relationship is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. I have personally yet to read of someone who hasn't blamed themselves in some way--including myself--and I think it's almost impossible not to react to it. I agree with Kayc: this is about how he is dealing with his grief and not about you. Take care.
  9. Hi Moona, I don't have much to say, or really any advice to give, but I am reading, and I am very sorry for what you are going through right now; and I'm so sorry to hear of the situation about your animals. While I can't fully understand the situation you have been put in, I can understand some of what you are experiencing. I know how awful it feels when it seems like your whole world seems to be collapsing around you--its a very dark place. I also understand what it's like to try and maintain a relationship all by yourself--it's impossible and incredibly draining. Please try to take care of yourself through this, even if it seems hard. While it's hard to see any hope or light right now, I can say from someone who went through some of it, that I am happy again, and I see a lot of hope. As you said about emotions, I've heard you have to go through the tornado to finally get out the other side--otherwise you just go round and round. I made it through the tornado, and I am confident that you will too! We're here for you and you arnt alone in this. Even if I don't manage to reply all the time, ill still be reading. I'm hoping for the best for you. Take care.
  10. Hello @satc83, I'm very sorry to hear of the death of your bfs mother as well as how it has affected your relationship. This must be an incredibly difficult time for you both. It's very unfortunate that he seems to be going through this alone. It's also sad that he has blamed you for not being able to see his mother during covid, I can understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of something like that. Try not to take what he says personally, even if it does seems that way. This is quite common on this forum. For some they can't do a relationship and grieving at the same time, and we have to be on the receiving end of these mixed messages / hot and cold behavior. Sadly all you can do at this point is to give him what asked for. However, being on the receiving end is emotionally draining and something I couldn't handle after a certain point- it felt like my body was shutting down. You have to consider your health through all this. I had to make the decision to go No Contact on New Years. But if you feel that you want to be there for him, I understand, I did the same for a month; however, we were broken up, which is different from your situation. You sum up exactly how I felt as well. I would have done anything to be there for her and the relationship. Unfortunately it seems he has chosen to go through this alone, and I understand how devastating and difficult to understand that can be. I cant offer much advice outside of my own experience; but kayc I'm sure will come soon with some resources and maybe something more useful to you. No matter what happens going forward, you will be okay, and I'm hoping for the best for the both of you. Take care.
  11. No worries, It means a lot that you found it so helpful. I understand what you mean, it's very difficult to see someone you love hurting so bad, especially when you're worrying about the relationship too. It is an incredibly scary situation, I understand exactly how you feel. We're here for you! Take care, and feel free to share your thoughts whenever.
  12. Thought I might give an update to people on what happened in my situation in case they want to compare it to their own, or take from the lessons I've learned. In short, somehow during covid my ex found someone new within a few months of us breaking up. Our meeting to discuss the relationship never happened, and she just kept brushing me off. This seems to be common from what I've read here; and there's not really much more to say. She seemed to be on the borderline of crying after seeing me in class, but I don't know the true reason for that; but she deleted me off all social media a few days later. It felt like another rejection. Judging from her coldness still, I also don't think she cares about what I did for her at this point. No matter how much you do for someone, don't ever expect a similiar treatment in return. If I face this situation again, I would go no contact immediately. Never stick with someone who is confused. And lastly, as can be told by the length of this thread, being worried about a relationship is completely okay. This is by far not something that is easy to deal with; its extremely painful. Sadly, I can't seem to escape my ex as of late, somehow she keeps managing to pop into my life, and I've found out I might have to work with her over summer. The wounds have re-opened a bit, and its just more evidence that you need no contact if you truly loved someone. I don't even want to be with her anymore, but the painful memories and feelings of rejection are awful. I really hope this is the last time I update this thread.
  13. Hello @MicheleL I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your girlfriends father and your grandfather. And I understand how hard this must be for you to feel your girlfriend pulling away from you, I've felt the anxiety myself. I think you are doing the best you can, and you seem to me to be doing everything right. Maybe that can give you some comfort, but I understand that it's not much. I remember the feeling all too well. I don't think it's selfish at all, it's only natural to be feeling worried about the relationship. You have feelings too, and what your dealing with is far from easy. Going through it myself was harder than any death in my family, and feeling the loss of a relationship is a loss in itself. Don't feel guilty. While I can't tell you that this relationship will make it through this horrible situation, I can tell you that you will be okay no matter what happens. You sound like a great partner, you're doing your best, and that's all you can do. I thought I would never get through what happened to me, but I have made great progress. I understand that it feels like your whole world is collapsing around you, but try your best not to catastrophize. Kayc and Marty will be able to offer you some resources on supporting a partner through grief. I'm hoping for the best for the both of you, take care.
  14. Don't be so hard on yourself @Missmirr, having someone pull away from a relationship is very hard to deal with too, and it's only natural that these questions would arise. My ex and I had plans to move out in the not so near future as well, but once grief struck that all changed and she broke up with me. I doubt that anything you would have done would have changed anything; and its normal to self criticize and pick apart every little thing that could have been a mistake--I did this for months. Was it because I asked her why there was distance? Is because I talked about politics while she was grieving? I went through it all. But punishing yourself does nothing to change your situation, it just keeps you hurting. You MUST forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you may have made. Trust me! The situation you were put in is difficult for anyone to handle; I had no idea how to treat the situation, nor did I understand what she was experiencing. But we both did our best to be there for them with the information we had, and it sounds like your bf reacted as mine did by getting angry and dropping the relationship. Treat yourself the way would someone you loved, be understanding and self compassionate. But trust me, I understand how you feel, and I am very sorry. Take care.
  15. Hello Missmirr, I'm so so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. Like Kayc, I've gone through it too: My gf of 5 months broke things off while I was doing everything I could to support her. Similar to your story, my gf would often take her anger out on me. For over a month she became incredibly distant with me, and she would often yell at me for insignificant things. Trust me, this is not your fault, and do not take his treatment of you personally. I struggled with blaming myself for months over what happened, especially because everything she said made it seem so personal. Don't blame yourself for wanting love either, I know how incredibly difficult and painful it is to be in a relationship with someone who's distant like that. I wanted to marry my gf too, I loved her dearly, but sadly some people react to grief this way. Kayc's recommendation of No Contact is a wise one and comes from experience; I should have followed it initially, but chose not to--staying in contact severely delayed my healing. Do what you think is best, but just know that any form of contact is only going to keep the wound fresh. When I reached out to her after 32 days, the wounds re-opened and its like we had broken up again--I had to restart the healing process. I thought I would never recover from this experience, but today I can say that it doesn't hurt me anymore. I hope everything works out for you. I find its best to repeat the sentence "everything that happens, happens for good" daily. Take care. "Another man was already cured: being near harmed him: he couldn't bear any meeting with his mistress. The wound, poorly healed, reopened at the old scar, and not one of my arts had the least success. Houses are barely defended from a neighbouring fire: its best to keep away from places nearby." -Ovid, in Remedia Amoris.
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