Hi! This is going to be a long one... I am seeking advice on being supportive to my boyfriend of 4 years (he is 50 years old), who lost his older sister (55) a little over 2 years ago. It sounds crazy to say, but I don't even know how his sister died. He won't speak of it. I can speculate that she may have committed suicide, because leading up to that point, there was a big blow up between his sister and mother...he was stuck in the middle and told me she ruined every holiday or event and he was over it. A few days later, he texted me and said "my sister passed away. I can't speak of it, I will never be able to speak of it...please don't ask me any questions about it. I will never be the same again." I have respected his wishes and have never asked him any questions. I feel that if he wants to talk about it, he will. I never met her, but from what he told me, it sounded as if she had mental issues. The only thing his mother has ever mentioned is "it is harder on him, than me, because he is the one who found her."
He has her house, which he pays a mortgage on, but won't stay in but refuses to sell...he has her car parked in the garage at the house...all of her belongings still in the same place she left them. He goes through periods where he seems fine, although he doesn't sleep well at all. I have suggested counseling, to which he immediately says no. I live 2 hours away from him. When he stays with me, usually once a month for 2 weeks at a time, things are wonderful.
My problem is, when he goes "home," (he stays with his 83 year old mother because he can't bear to be in his sister's house),he goes silent on me for sometimes weeks at a time. He doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer the phone, etc. I have tried my very best to be understanding of the situation, but I am getting to the point where I just don't get it...I know everyone grieves differently, but this seems so extreme to me. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise. I have expressed to him how it makes me feel when he does this, but it keeps happening. He texted me the other day and said "I think about my sister every day, but the last 2 weeks have been hell for me. I will never be the same."
My Dad died when I was 12 years old, so it's not as though I have never experienced loss. My Mom told me that the 2nd year after my Dad died was the hardest for her, because the first year, she was just going through the motions to get through it, but the second year, it was so final.
Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this, before I throw in the towel? Should I just accept that this is how my life is going to be? I love him with all of my heart, but I'm starting to feel as though I am grieving him. I get that he is never going to be the same, but how can I be there for someone who doesn't let me be?