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pebbles

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Everything posted by pebbles

  1. I am back! Hi everyone...first, Shell I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I have only posted a few times but she has always "been there". It's been almost 2 months since my Dad died...and honestly I feel like I am not doing something right. Its hard to explain...I go day to day and dont feel sad, angry or anything. Sometimes I cry but the only thing I can figure out is that I have been used to not seeing my Mom and Dad every day for 5 years...they have lived in Arizona and I am still in the Midwest. So the fact that my Dad isnt here anymore has not really sunk in. Does that make any sense? I am having a hard time the last 2 days tho, as this is the first Fathers Day without him and I miss him terribly. I find myself envious of others who still have their Dad..its a feeling I hate. I am going to see my Mom and sister next month and that is the first visit to Arizona that my Dad is not going to be there and I think that will be the "wake up" that I need. I am so excited to see them and spend some time together but I am nervous too. Thanks for letting me vent...prayers to everyone!
  2. Yesterday was the first da I went back to work after Dad's funeral Monday. I think it was one of the toughest things ever. I am so tired, distracted and forgeful!!! Sometimes it just doesnt seem real, tho I guess that will take time. It hurts so much, and can be so overwhelming. My mom, brother and sister went back to Arizona today. I feel so lost and alone. Thanks for being here.
  3. Hey everyone, Well, I just thought I would take a moment and let out a little emotion. My mom and brother and sister arrived Friday and we are getting things together for my dads funeral tomorrow. There are moments when I realize that my dad is not coming back. I sit in this hotel room waiting for him to come in. We had to go to the funeral home yesterday and bring his clothes, pick a casket, readings, etc...and it was absolutely surreal. I dread tomorrow morning and the funeral, and at the same time can not wait to see my dad one more time. God give me the strength to get through this, I just feel sick. Thanks for listening.
  4. Hi everyone, I never thought my heart could hurt so much. My dad passed away Tuesday evening. I found out yesterday morning. I have never ever felt so much shock and pain before in my life. I cant believe he is gone. I miss him so much. Its so unreal. Even though I knew what was coming I could never, ever have prepared for what I am feeling. My mom and siblings are going to arrive tomorrow and the funeral next week. I can't wait to be with them. I look at pictures and I feel so numb and shocked...like its a terrible nightmare and I am going to wake up and be told it isn't true. I am glad I have this place to vent and get advice. How do you go on? How do you manage the unimaginable amount of pain?
  5. Lori and Linda, Thank you so much for your replies! I feel so welcome here and always take something away from what I read. How wonderful that we can all help each other! Linda, I read your May 22 2005 entry and you have "hit the nail on the head". I have found myself taking as much advantage of this time as possible. In fact I have been writing a letter to my dad and just mailed if off this morning. As you wrote about your papa, my dad was always there. When I was sure I knew better than him, kept him up all night worrying about me, acted like a spoile brat-he was always there, never turned away from me. Never stopped being my friend, my hero, my dad. I was not going to mail the letter but realized I would regret it terribly if I held on to it. With my dad, sometimes emotions and feelings are better expressed thru writing...I would have been a wreck trying to tell him in person and would have forgotten alot of what I wanted to say. I hope everyone's week is off to a good start...as good as can be!
  6. Thank you so very much for sharing. So much of what you wrote in your diary I could have written. I too am watching my Daddy slowly die from the monster that we call cancer. He was just switched to methadone for pain and is getting weaker by the day. My heart breaks and instead of feeling like a 31 year old I feel like a 5 year old girl. I pray for you and everyone here and thank you for sharing. Joanne
  7. I have not been able to check in to the boards lately and even though it has only been a few months since I found this wonderful place I missed it!!! I hope no one "minds" that I hang around here even thought I havent had the loss of my dad yet. It is helpful for me to anticipate (as best I can for lack of a better word) what is to come. My dad has been holding his own lately although he has had a large blood clot in his leg so that adds to the cancer and other issues he has. He never wants to worry us kids...he has always been that way. It has never been about him...he would help people and stay in the background. So when he ended up in the hospital with this he didnt want to worry me back at home. I will always worry...don't we all?? Well I guess we take it one hour at a time. Sometimes it seems "real" to me and other times like a bad nightmare. I have a recurring dream sometimes..same dream each time. Maybe that's my brains way of accepting? I don't know...sorry for going on. Just wanted to say everyone is always in my thoughts. Thanks for being there...
  8. Hey everyone, Just checking in. I am going to be seeing my dad this weekend...I was actualy able to get more tham 2 days off! I am looking forward to this visit and I am also going to get to meet several members of the hospice team that is caring for my dad. I think that will really help!!! Anyway, everyone is always in my thoughts and prayers and thanks for the support!
  9. Hi all, I am new to the boards here and I am looking all over and learning alot from reading all of these posts!! My dad was diagnosed with cancer a little over a year and a half ago. He had surgery and they removed "superficial tumors". He was fine...you would never have guessed he had cancer. Then this past July my mom noticed he was losing weight, not eating, tired, etc...From that point on everything has happened so fast! He was going to have surgery and have his bladder removed and then all of a sudden he needed chemo, and then surgery and then one kidney started to fail. He tried chemo and was so sick. They live in Arizona and I am here in the midwest. I went out there a few times and saw how hard he tried with the chemo and he still stayed so positive...thats his way! He had terrible infections and chemo made him so sick he just could not do it. He decided he wanted hospice care. So here I am now, still trying to get that to sink in. The hospice team is wonderful from what I hear...I havent met anyone yet. My dad is at peace with the decision and I think its the rest of us having a harder time. I am sorry to ramble...it feels good tho to get it out and I keep trying to do that. I just want to soak up every moment I can now and get out to Arizona as often as possible. Thanks for listening. May God bless you all and I look forward to continuing to share and learn on these boards.
  10. Thanks so much for your replies. I get out to my parents as often as I possilby can these days and I was fortunate to be able to go for Thanksgiving and Chritmas. Bittersweet though....I am so glad I found this board and look forward to being a part of this...thanks again!
  11. Hi everyone, I am new to this and I am trying to accept that my dad is dying. I am having a real hard time and its worse because they live in Arizona and I am in the midwest. Anyone have any suggestions? It feels as tho I am watching someone elses life...denial, anger, fear and sadness. So overwhelming!!!
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