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cogrodnik

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  1. my husband was only 24. he was a marine in the USMC. we only had a year together but it was the happiest year of my life. we recently just got married in september, I had almost 4 months of marriage with him before he was taken from me in a way I would never imagine. andrew got really sick right before thanksgiving. we found out he had non-hodgkin’s lymphoma and HLH. everyone told me I hit the cancer “jackpot”. I kept hearing the words treatable and curable. he really seemed to have a fighting chance. he had his first round of chemo and responded well to it. I was kept out of the hospital due to COVID and his mother was appointed the one and only visitor by her own accord because she raced me to the hospital. I got to see him once for 30 min outside the hospital in 4 weeks and that time would be the last time. i’ll never understand how or why it happened, but a massive stroke effected the left side of his brain where speech and cognitive tendencies were destroyed. I was told everything that made him andrew was gone. I was allowed to go in and be with him for end of life and removal of the ventilator. I watched the life leave my best friend’s eyes and watched him turn into just a body. this was all 2 days before christmas. i’m on my 4th day without him. I feel like I betrayed him because I didn’t get him in to a doctor sooner. I feel guilty because I couldn’t fight my way into the hospital to comfort him while he was still alert. now I find myself in this storm of uncertainty for the rest of my life. everyone tells me i’m not alone and to take it day by day. i’ve read all the grief tips and have scheduled a therapy appointment. everyone on my social media is getting pregnant and engaged, going on vacations while i’m getting ready for my husband’s funeral. we had so much left to do, so much left to see. i’ll never be able to give him a family, i’ll never be able to grow old with him. I have random fits of screaming and crying. the pit of sadness in my heart won’t go away. I haven’t eaten or slept in roughly a week. i’m not suicidal but I want to go with him. I don’t want to be here without him. where do you go from here? will someone ever love me the same? will I ever love someone else the same? why can’t he just come back?
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