jonquil

Lori: How was your b-day?? I turned 29 a few weeks ago...it was the 1st one w/o mom here. What helped me was staying busy. I went out to eat the day before my b-day w/ family (those that could make it), and then on my actual b-day I had cake over at my brother's w/ family and friends. My SIL gave me a beautiful photo album from her recent wedding to my brother. In it was pictures of my mom. It felt like mom was there celebrating w/ me. Happy belated b-day!!

Annie: sorry to hear about your rough day. I had a horrible day a few days ago. My sister-in-law called to tell me that she was in the hospital room w/ my brother...and that the doctors were most likely going to remove his gallbladder. I hung up the phone and started crying. The emotional side won over the logical side of me that knows that this is a routine procedure. I felt so scared at the thought of potentially losing another member of my family. The next day my brother had surgery and hubby and I visited him in the hospital after he got back from recovery. It was tough seeing him laying in that bed. I had tears in my eyes as I touched his hand. He smiled at me and told he was having a hard time with it too. He said that mom would have called countless times by now. Its that thought that someone who knew you so well is gone. My mom knew me better than anyone.

I'm sorry that I haven't written here in awhile. Just trying to deal w/ things. The void in my life seems bigger than ever. My mom filled such a big part of my life and a day doesn't go by where I don't think about her. I can't seem to concentrate on much these days. I've been thinking about talking to my doctor about things, but my hubby thinks everything is fine. I'm just not sure what is considered a normal grieving process and what isn't.

Thanx Trudy. I need some normalcy back in my life.

and you will always associate her w/ that day. I'm sure it was a great memorial to your mother.

Lori & Trudy, thank you so much for your replies. Today I went and just sat in my mom's room for awhile. It felt good to be surrounded by her things. My grandmother got a strange package for my mom today (they lived together): roses and a cookie jar were delivered to the house w/ a xmas card attached. I have no idea who they are from either. I think its funny that even in death my mom has a crush. My nan felt bad and called up the place that delivered the flowers and asked if they could contact the person who sent the flowers and let them know that my mom has passed. _________________ Tomorrow I head back to work after being off for the holidays. I'm actually looking forward to it. I need something to take my mind off of things.

Trudy: I cried while reading what you wrote. It really hit me. My brother got married in late Oct and a month later mom passed away. Luckily mom was there, but it was apparent to everyone how sick she was. She didn't even make it to the rehearsal dinner because she wanted to save her energy for the day of the actual wedding. There wasn't a dry eye in the place when she got up from her wheelchair and danced 1/2 a song w/ my brother (my grandmother took over when my mom was finished dancing). My SIL just sent me the pics from the wedding and I was able to relive the day all over again. Its so touching that your brother was able to honor your mother in such a sweet way. She obviously was very well loved.

I meant to reply before this, but I kept putting it off. Its now been a month since my mom passed. I don't think its really sunk in yet. I think of her every day. I'll see something on tv and pick up the phone to call her...and then realize that I can't. I just can't believe she's gone. I haven't taken her necklace off since I put it on the day after the wake. Wearing something of hers makes me feel closer to her. I haven't really broken down yet...and I'm wondering if I ever will. I have cried, but not like I thought I would. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. It seems stupid to complain about not having a complete meltdown. I know my lack of tears doesn't mean I loved my mom any less...but I still feel strange about all this. I think I haven't been able to deal w/ it on my own terms. Everyone is constantly saying "look how well she's doing." I'm still on show. I can't grieve privately yet. I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense...

I'm feeling the same way...glad that 2006 is over. I don't ever want to face what I had to face this year. Wishing everyone all the best in the new year!!

Sandra: Thanx so much for your post. This week has been tough. I'll hear a song or hear a word that reminds me of mom and it brings everything back. I went to the movies today w/ my hubby, nan and 2 1/2 yr old niece. When nan got into the car my niece asked for my mom. "Where is she," she asked. We all sat there in silence, but a second later she answered her own question by saying, "she's in the sky." It broke my heart. My oldest brother is upset that we're not having xmas at nan's this year....but honestly I don't think I could celebrate xmas in the same house where mom died...we usually open presents in the living room and that's where her bed was placed. He's been giving all of us a hard time over it. I know he's hurting too right now, but I wish he would think of us a little. I'm sorry for your loss too. These have been the longest 2 weeks of my life.

Thank you, Trudy. We're all trying to be strong for my grandmother. Luckily she has my brother's little girls to focus on. She's attempting to do her own xmas shopping and has asked us all for lists. I've tried sitting down to write it, but I just can't put pen to paper right now. I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. I keep telling myself that I'll go the next day, but that doesn't happen. I'm trying to take it one day at a time...but even that is tough sometimes.

Thanx so luch for your reply. Thanksgiving didn't really feel like Thanksgiving to us this year. Mom was home from the hospital, but wasn't up to celebrating w/ us. Too many people in the house started making her feel sick. We took off my neices' shoes and took the food out into the screened in porch to eat while one of us stayed w/ mom. I worry about my grandmother. My mom was an only child and nan lost her mother and her father almost 15 years ago. My mom was only in her 50's. I'm hoping that nan will stay over my house or my brother's house for Christmas Eve. I don't want her waking up to an empty house on Christmas morning. Luckily we all live w/i a mile of each other, so we're all close by. I want xmas to be special this year...but its hard to get into the spirit. I used to wrap all the presents my mom bought for everyone...I don't even want to think about doing the wrapping this year.

I wrote a long entry, but it erased when I went to preview it. Grrrr... My mom passed away a week ago from cancer. People keep remarking about how well I seem to be doing, but I have to work...we have a mortgage. I'm just trying to survive. I know that the holidays are going to be tough. The only decorations I have up are my tree and the wreath on my door. I'm just so drained...and now w/ xmas less than 2 weeks away I'm not sure I can be bothered to dig out the rest of the decs. I still can't believe my mom is gone. Logically I know that my mom is better off because she is no longer in pain, but the little girl in me needs her mommy. If it wasn't for my two young nieces I would want to skip xmas this year. Its going to be really tough. How do the rest of you get thru the holidays??