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Agemgem

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Everything posted by Agemgem

  1. I'm currently reading "Losing my Bestfriend" by Jeannie Wycherley which I found in amazon, kindle version. Kc also suggested a link above with ebooks that you might be interested in. I always prefer real books rather than ebooks, for complete reading experience but I did not find any pet loss books in our local bookstores. So this is my first time trying out ebooks as I don't have any other option. I've realized through this site that reading about grief topics can be very helpful and therapeutic. You may try it too, if you have time. Hope you're coping up through these sorrowful times.
  2. I also cooked for my dog, she loves to eat! She's also an indoor dog so she stayed with me all the time. And that's one of the things I truly miss, you know when you had a routine and then suddenly everything changes. I feel so lost and empty. I've found some ebooks in amazon, thank you so much for recommending them. Reading helps a lot, you and Marty are correct, the more we understand grief the more we're able to handle it. And I'm so thankful to have found this site and people like you who support everyone. I will not be able to handle this if not for your words and understanding.
  3. Hi Rjm, it's not sefish, I totally understand. We all lost our beloved companions so we are in the same boat. I'm sorry that you are also going through grief right now. I don't have a choice but to slowly cope up. I've been reading articles and I have found some e-books about pet loss which I believe is helping me understand and handle my grief. I cannot say I'm okay, there are days when I get busy with work that I don't feel worse as the other days, but there's not a day that I don't feel the pain of losing her. Waking up in the morning are the hardest, because I always realize it's another day without her. Last month when I was looking at her urn, I asked her, "Do you miss mommy too? I hope you will still choose me as your mommy if I can have you back here on earth." I'm hoping I can see her in my dreams, but that doesn't happen yet. You are correct, missing them is so so hard. If only I could pray that this will not happen to anyone. But reality is that, our animals have shorter life span than us humans, they're too precious and very special like that. I also hope that you are coping well, this website is truly a blessing to all of us. I wish you peace through this heartbreak. When the time comes, I know we'll see them again-- my biggest Gem and I, and you and Rocky. ❤️
  4. Well they are kind to animals, and I know they love all the dogs that I had. They also cried when I lost her. It's just that they dont have the same connection, so they will never understand exactly what I'm going through. I don't take it against them, maybe I'm just afraid of being judged.
  5. Thank you for listening, my family may think that I'm fine but they don't know what I'm going through and I already expect that they will never understand the impact on me. They don't own any animal, so I cannot blame them if they will think that I'm too emotional blah blah.
  6. Oh kayc, how many more holidays do we have to spend without them. It's heart breaking.
  7. Monday was the day I lost her. And today is another monday, but extra harsh. Yesterday I tried to brush it off, valentine's was always a special day for us and this was the first that we didn't get to spend it. I slept most of the day, trying not to think too much. But then, it backfired because today I woke up feeling overwhelmed with sadness. I miss her terribly I cried so hard. And so I tried again, I went to the bookstore to look for pet loss books but found nothing. It's unfortunate, no one seems to need those books except me. So there I was, in a corner of the bookstore, weeping. Almost 2 months but I still have days like these when I can't believe she's gone.
  8. Hi Vorkatir, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I know the feeling because I feel the same way, my girl also passed away so suddenly and unexpected last December. She's also her normal happy self that morning, ate with gusto and played with me. Our only difference is that, I just went outside for about an hour then my mom called me telling me that my dog just collapsed and in just 30mins or so she's gone. Just like that. I'm still in a rollercoaster of emotions, I feel cheated that the universe did not even give me a chance to save her. Going to this website really helps me, I hope you do too. I've read many articles about grief, which Marty and Kayc suggested. It's such a blessing knowing that there are people and venue like this, helping humans like us who lost our beloved companions. I'm hanging on, I've read this and it stucked on me-- that we cannot really move on from grief, we just learn to live with it. Truly, we cannot bring back time, or bring back their lives here on earth. But I still would give anything just to see her again. My heart goes out to you. Take care.
  9. @graceY.H.W thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about your cat's passing. Hoping we all see again our beloved companions one day.
  10. Though crying seems to lessen overtime but it also feels like it's getting harder and harder as time goes by, realizing the length of time that she's no longer with me. My longing to see her and hug her are getting intense day by day. At this stage, there are also days when I'm feeling self pity-- wondering why I had to experience losing the one I love so so much in a sudden unexpected death like hers.
  11. One month and 2 days since she has passed. I almost thought I'm on the right track, some days are worse than other days, but today I broke down again. I just feel so empty. 💔
  12. 3weeks today. I woke up again with a heavy heart. I'm longing for her so much, I closed my eyes and tried to listen to the sound of her toes on the floor. On her last birthday, Nov 2020, we did a photo shoot and she wore a flower crown. I was her glam team. We sang happy birthday and I helped her blew her cake, but my sister forgot to take a video of our singing. Now I regret we weren't able to capture it. I may have replayed it a million times. Yesterday, I bought her a flower and I put it in a vase beside her urn. Oh how I wish I can still put a flower crown on your head. Mondays are the hardest. It's like I'm back to square one.
  13. Hi bene, sorry to hear that you're also going through this grief right now. It's been almost 3weeks for me but it's still overwhelming. I'm trying to get busy just to get through the day, but there's not a day that I would not cry especially at night when I go to bed and in the morning when I wake up. There are days when I just can't help myself but to sulk and be unproductive. As what I've read through their advices and articles, they said we really need to take our time. This website is a blessing for all of us and I'm grateful, all of the people here understands our grief and they are always ready to listen and help us. Hope we all find peace and acceptance.
  14. I also want to believe that we'll be with them again once our time on earth is up. I just wish they live just as long as we live so that we don't have to experience all the sadness and grief we're going through right now. I still haven't washed her scarves, still has her smell on them. But of course I'm planning to wash them eventually (when I'm ready) and maybe tie at least one on my bag, so it's like she's still keeping me company. I miss her terribly.
  15. I have her urn in my room and displayed her 2 favorite toys and her scarves. It's 2 weeks today. I woke up with fear again of facing this day. What happened that fateful day keeps lingering in my mind everytime a week goes by. I know that life is not fair but I didn't know that life is cruel. Years ago, I had a rescue dog named Max, and he died of old age. Although we cannot really prepare for death, days before he passed away, at the back of my mind I got the idea that it's nearing because he showed it. I was able to tell him that even if it pained me I'll understand if he'd like to go. I'm not that prepared, but I already had a bit of courage to accept what ever happened back then. I cried tons of tears as well, but somehow I understood. With Gem's loss, I felt cheated-- by time, by universe, I'm not sure. She was taken away from me so suddenly, no time to think what to do, no time to say good bye, no time for every thing. She's the perfect dog for me, I'm so upset why this has to happen to us.
  16. Since the day she left, I hardly slept at night. I would sleep only for 4 hours and I would have vivid dreams, I don't know why. I feel so restless. The first few days since she left in 12/28, I would always check my phone for her pictures and videos. I would scroll her photos the whole day, and even browsed back to her first photo in 2013. She got lots of photos during Christmas day-- she's so happy, she wore a Santa hat in the morning then a reindeer headband in the evening. Now, I cannot look at them, not even a single photo, because it's so painful I can feel my heart breaking into pieces.
  17. Well I also believe that every thing is worth it, it's just that I feel like I'm bombarded with questions and thoughts, and honestly sometimes I'm no longer sure if I'm just overthinking. One question leads to another and another, and it's just so hard. I've found a link suggested by Marty and watched a video in TED talk. I remembered a line -- we don't move on from grief, we move forward with it. And that video somehow gave me hope and makes me understand grief more. By the way, please take good care of your hands, it's difficult to go to clinics/hospital right now because of covid. Praying for your fast healing.
  18. Yes, having them around really de-stresses every one. If my day is lonely or heavy for some reason, I will just hug and play with her and my mood lightens up right way. Sometimes I would think, maybe the reason why dogs have short life span is because they shoulder our stress, anxiety, etc so maybe it’s the price we have to pay for receiving their unconditional love. I know @Marty mentioned something like pain is the price we have to pay for love, or something to that effect. Do we have to pay because we love them? Or because they love us? Or maybe it applies both ways? 🤔
  19. Thank you for your kind words. I always say (even before she passed away) that I survived the lockdown because of her. They say that ours is one of the most longest lockdowns in the world, but I kept my sanity because she was with me the entire time. My work does not have the “Bring your pet to work Day” and before I would always wish to experience something like that— where I can still rub her fur, hug and kiss her all while doing work. I believe we could have done that as she’s the most gentle, “unbothered” dog that I have known. Then pandemic came and poof, I found myself instantly experiencing not just the “Bring your pet to work Day” but it’s every single day, months after months after months! That’s the best, most wonderful thing I have experienced last year. Early in December, I was thinking I will definitely have separation anxiety when the time comes that I will be required to go back to the office physically. Who would have thought that just a couple of weeks after, the separation will suddenly take place— in this fateful manner, and it’s permanent. It’s like one of those sad dog movies, but worst, because it’s for real and it’s happening to me. To us. Sorry this is a bit long, and I thank you for listening. It’s only in this forum that I feel understood.
  20. What great talent you have @kayc . I always appreciate receiving handmade cards, it seems rare nowadays because of the social media. Yes this pandemic is also adding up to our burden. When the pandemic started, we began working from home and the only positive I can think of is that I get to spend every day with my dog, I don't need to leave her and she doesn't need to wait for me to come home because I'm home the whole time. Having her beside me while I'm doing my work was just a dream to me before and then it finally happened she's literally always beside me. Little did I know that it will also be the same year that I will lose her.
  21. This is uplifting @kayc. I know most of us, if not all, will survive the worst. Time will tell. Maybe I'm still in the process of acceptance-feelings are still raw, too much grief, asking questions, no answers, confused, thinking what ifs, etc. Especially today as it's been a week, what happened that day keeps running on my head. I know I should start the year with hope, but because of her death, my year started with sorrow. I can't force myself to feel otherwise. I guess I'm still functioning but without life inside me, if that makes sense.
  22. Thank you Marty, for your wise words and understanding. This website and you guys are saving me.
  23. This is what I'm referring to, sorry it was not quoted properly
  24. I'm feeling guilty knowing that this would happen later. It's like adjusting means that I'm "okay" (can't think of an appropriate word) living without her. Though I'm very sure I will never ever forget her, every thing about her is etched in my soul. Having her is one of the best things that ever happened in my life. With her sudden passing, I felt so useless, not being able to do anything to save her. The situation did not even give me the opportunity of taking her to the vet (as she has passed away right after the seizure). If only my love could extend her life here on earth.
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