Brokenin2

I am so sorry that you are having to endure this type of inappropriate behavior. Like people say we can choose our friends but not our family. With that being said I can relate to having a toxic family member. It is not like you can return them and get something better more reasonable. I had a very toxic abusive mother who I struggled with a good portion of my life. After praying to no end, attending a church retreat, multiple discussions with my pastor and friends I was finally able to let the abuse ago. Boundaries were set up that I strictly abided by with her at all times. I learned to tell my mother No I will not accept what or how you are speaking to me! If on the phone I would simply state that the conversation was done since she was not being appropriate and we could talk later at another time when she was in a better state of mind. No we cannot divorce our family but we don’t need to enable or allow abusive ill behaviors either. I found it very helpful to distance her. I apologized to everyone around me for her ill behaviors. It may be helpful for you to establish boundaries with your family as well. Tell your family member You are not having a conversation with them until they can behave in an appropriate respectful manner. Then walk away or hang up the phone. Do not allow them to keep yelling at you! They probably have acted this way for so long they think it is okay to treat you in such a manner. Please send a clear message to your family member that you will no longer allow anyone to treat you so poorly. Start setting your boundaries and watch how the behavior starts to change. Even if their behavior doesn’t change you will gain your peace of mind back. I wish you the absolute best. God bless!

I am so very thankful for all of the responses. I have actually felt like I have been losing my mind with him. We had been close then I was kicked to the curb. I am finding some clarity with the no contact period. I am not liking what I see when I reflect on our so called relationship. I know when I lost my mother it was unbelievably the absolute worst experience I have endured in my life. I found myself in the middle of a tornado completely numb and unable to function. I certainly was not thinking of how I could scam or con someone to do things for me that are not ethical or warranted. I had thought I was a good judge of character but unfortunately I think I completely missed the mark on this guy. I put my heart and soul into trying to comfort and assist him - it is going to sting for quite some time to come. I remember saying an ill comment to one of my mom’s sisters at her funeral who was only trying to support me. Later in time I went back to her and apologized for my inappropriate response to her. I can live with the fact that he needs time and space. However I cannot live with how the message was delivered with such cruelty. Even after consideration of his grief stricken state no one ever has the right to speak to someone like he chose to do and act like he did. I would hope that given time he would realize the inappropriateness of how our conversation went that evening. I felt like I had crashed into a brick wall. Then for him to request yet another favor indirectly through a third party after treating me so poorly is unbelievable. Especially after being made aware of I would never grant a favor like this again since it was not the right thing to do. I will continue to try and see the best in people I refuse to let him rob me of my caring heart and nature. He has left me with many hard life lessons. God bless!

Thank you for your response. This has definitely been on my mind since he has been able to make himself available when he needed a favor of some sort. Otherwise i have been given several excuses and feel like I have been lied to and manipulated. I have really felt a lot of animosity from him towards me since I could not grant some of his favor requests. The day after I told him I could not grant a favor he requested for his mother he had a meltdown with me and we had a confrontation. I was and am still stunned regarding the way in which he reacted when I stopped by his home. I had been there several times previously. His attitude towards me was one of emotional dissonance and almost of pure hatred. I have been grasping to pick up the pieces ever since. Who goes behind someone’s back and does something that he knew was wrong and unethical? He has exhibited several sneaky underhanded behaviors that don’t make any sense since he also has a good job and also has another company that he owns in addition to his primary job. I have rarely heard him speak of his deceased wife or even want to talk about her. I have seen no emotional response from him regarding her death. He has just voiced different things about being sad, having a bad day or crying all day. Something has been really off with his grieving process. I am not trying to be disrespectful regarding his loss. Thank you again for your eye opening responses. God bless!

Once again this makes sense and I will not plan to recontact him but will maintain my no contact with him. Thank you for your understanding and supporting how very difficult this really is and has been for me. He has requested through a 3rd party that I do a favor for him earlier this week. Unfortunately I cannot grant the favor since it puts my career in jeopardy and is not the ethical or right thing to do. He was aware of this previously so it is not new information to him. He has seemed to reach out at times when I can provide a service for him previously: different favors for him. They are not typical favors you would ask someone to do especially since they are unethical in nature. Instead of texting and or calling me and asking me to do the favor he went behind my back and had a service professional call me. So he asked for help indirectly but not for appropriate things. This has been excruciating. I have a lot to learn about grief and loss. Thank you again for sharing your wisdom. God bless!

First I would like to say bless each of you who took the time to assist me in trying to gain some understanding of my friend’s grief and behaviors. I have been so lost and hurt I haven’t known where to turn or what to do. You are correct if you have not been through losing a spouse yourself you have no idea of what it is like to endure. I have lost a parent but this does not even begin to compare to the depth of the pain and grief with the loss of a spouse. I have been floundering unsure what to do if anything at all. Thank you for pointing out that his grief does not include my feelings since he is struggling with his tragic loss. After our confrontation 5 weeks ago we have had no contact. I being human said some things to him that I wished I had not. I never intended to make this all about me but in a way I did since I didn’t understand where he was coming from or why he was behaving so erratically. Yes I have feelings too and Yes it did hurt. I value him as being a significant part of my life but now have mindfulness this is not what he wants right now. My thought process of recontacting him would be to simply apologize and say I am sorry. I fear that he will never speak to me again which I realize time will only tell. Thoughts about apologizing to him? Inappropriate or not? Yes I am vested in this relationship even if he is unable to be at this time. My other option is to completely stay no contact with him and see with time if he reaches out or not. I feel strongly I need to apologize after reading the postings presented here. Thank you for your wisdom and God bless each of you. You have helped me beyond measure.

Bless you for sharing your experience and thoughts with me. This makes sense now as you have so eloquently described the devastating loss and the need to be alone since it is so indescribable in nature. He has stated that no one can help with this. He has exhibited so much emotional lability it is very difficult to know what to say or do at times. My presence had to be making him feel pressured or that he needed to live up to some set of expectation(s). I was only trying to be supportive. We did not leave things on good terms the last time I seen him about 5 weeks ago now. He was very hostile towards me. Thoughts about reaching out to him after a couple of more weeks or longer timeframe? I am hesitant to do so but do want him to know I will be in the distance if he needs me. I would like to clear the air with him instead of leaving things like this but don’t know how receptive he will be if at all. He hurt me quite deeply with our last discussion which turned out to be a confrontation. It did not seem to bother him that he had hurt me after being made aware he did. I certainly appreciate your thoughts and wish you the best.

My heart is literally breaking as I write this. I need assistance and/or recommendations on how to assist/help someone who has lost their spouse. I had a previous relationship with a gentleman whose spouse was chronically ill with several health conditions. She became ill in October and passed away in late October from complications of Covid 19. I lost contact with him a couple of days before his wife passed away but had been supporting him the best I could during her long hospitalization. I had been and continue to be very worried about him. He does not have a good support network and prefers "to be left alone". He re-contacted me about 2 weeks after his wife passed away to tell me what had happened. I have never dealt with something of this magnitude with someone that has suffered such a tragic loss. He told me how lonely he was and how much pain he was in. Of course since I have a caring nature and felt terrible for him and reached out and tried to help to the best of my ability. We became close and supported each other through quite a few critical life moments during the next month. He supported me as well the best he could. I have had no expectations and have learned that being his friend at best is what he really needs right now. So I proceeded to text and check up on him - make sure he is eating doing okay etc. He seemed receptive initially. I continued to reiterate that I am here for him as friend and will do anything that I can do even though grieving is a very private journey. We had also discussed I wish I could make it all better for him but I cannot since this is process that he needs to work through. His behaviors became erratic at times: last minute cancellation or plans, preferring to "be left alone", "No one can help", becoming more distant, not responding to texts like previously, anxious when out in public with him, telling the whole world to go to hell etc. He has multiple stressors on top of the loss of his spouse including work issues and several family problems. He had been working at home for the most part but trying to get back into the real world by starting to go back to the office a little bit. We have had a solid relationship and I considered him to be a close friend at least. Roughly 5 five weeks ago now I received a startling text message from him while at work. I was very concerned due to the nature of the text message so I stopped by his home on the way home from work. I was met with a great deal of anger and resentment. He did not want to speak to me or talk about anything but simply wanted "to be left alone in peace and quiet". I was informed he has pressure from all sides and he didn't need this additional stress right now. I was told I am adding to his stress and that he needs to "do this alone to try and find some normalcy again". He would not even let me in his home past the front door and was very angry when he answered the door. I tried to explain that I was just making sure he was okay and trying to seek understanding. The day before I had seen him for a brief period of time and he had dismissed me from his presence. I had offered on this day that I could go away for awhile if he preferred since everything I tried to do didn't ever seem right. He had reassured me I was doing fine and not being offensive or pushy. The response I got was that everyone feels that I should be normal but I am not normal. He was even angry about a grief counselor from his work who tried to contact him on this day. He was so cold, distant, and emotionally detached. I asked him to please help me to understand. No response. Most of what I tried to convey to him was met with no response or glaring at me like he hated me. I told him how much this hurt since I do care a great deal about him and he responded "well now you know how I feel only mine is much worse". During the half hour I was at his home he finally stated he wanted to be left alone then stated "Can we talk about this at another time?". I left completely heartbroken. We have not spoken since that night going on 5 weeks ago now. I feel shattered like I have really done something wrong here. To protect my heart I have had to back away since I am not to blame for his tragic loss. I can't bring myself to contact him again after being treated so poorly. I am now struggling and will continue to struggle not knowing if he is doing okay or not but at the same time I cannot insist he receive the help I am trying to provide. This has been one of the most difficult ordeals I have ever encountered. I would truly appreciate and suggestions/recommendations anyone may have. May God bless you all in your healing and may you find comfort and peace.