I'm a 28-year old granddaughter unable to travel to see my grandmother in what seem like the last moments of her life.
My grandma is a 83-year old person who was on her feet until 10 days ago when she had to be rushed to the hospital. She complained of stomach pain and breathlessness. She was diagnosed with gall bladder stones, which caused other complications. Although she has undergone surgery two days ago, her condition remains critical. During surgery, the doctors discovered that her liver is severely damaged. If she were younger, they'd recommend a transplant. This does not sound good at all. It does not give me much hope for her recovery.
I'm also terribly sorry for the physical and emotional trauma that she might be going through right now. My grandma is terrified of doctors and hospitals and this is also the first time that she's faced a such a health emergency. I wish I could be by her side. I wish I could travel to see her but I am afraid that I'd be putting her and the rest of my family at risk of COVID-19 if I were to travel.
My grandma and I have also shared a bitter-sweet relationship. This is in fact the case with everyone in the family. So for the last week or so, I've also been working through a lot of difficult feelings. I wish I could take back some of the things I've said to her but that in itself is a lesson. I realise now why my mum always told me that words once spoken cannot be taken back. And, that I would like to forgive myself and her for not knowing better. The last one week brought back a lot of fond memories of her too -- of us watering plants together, of us hanging out with grandfather when he was around, of her cooking for me, of us laughing and goofing around together, of her telling me her life stories in vivid details. I can hear her laughter, her voice.
I am extremely sad though that she is going through this and that I can't go meet her. I'm afraid that I'll never get a chance to say goodbye to her. I'm sad that I may never get to see her again. Thinking of her death also makes me feel guilty. Because shouldn't I be hopeful? But hope is hard to hold on to given the extent of her liver damage.
I'm grateful to the folks to who run and make this community. It means a lot to me to have found this forum at this time in my life.
