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jessesgirl

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Everything posted by jessesgirl

  1. I’ve watched a couple documentaries and it gives me some comfort and strengthened my belief that I will see him again.
  2. I have pictures of my brother all over the house. I stop and admire his pictures multiple times a day, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he’s gone. It’s been just over two months and sometimes it feels like it was a lot longer and other times it feels like it was just yesterday.
  3. Thank you for your kind words. It brings me comfort knowing that I have a place to express what I’m going through and there are others who can relate. I have been talking to him a lot, especially at night just before I fall asleep. My daughter, who is 8 years old, and who, in the last couple of years, became close with him especially during his illness this past year, has mentioned that he has visited her. She said he came to her at night when I was asleep next to her. He gave her a thumbs up and said happy late birthday to her. He was in the hospital during her birthday and passed a week later. Maybe he came her to because she didn’t see him before he passed. I didn’t want to put her through that because he was in hospice care and liver failure isn’t pretty. Whether it’s true or not, I’d like to believe that he did come to her and that’s what she needed to help process this trauma. I told her how lucky she is to be able to see him and that made her smile.
  4. I lost my older brother on January 15, 2021. He was 48 years old. He battled pancreatic cancer for almost a year, and in September he had the tumor removed and was cancer free. Unfortunately, he had many complications after the surgery and he never recovered. My brother and I were close as kids. He was seven years older than me and was the typical mean older brother, but I wanted to be just like him. After he got married, he went his own way and he distanced himself from his immediate family. He lived a busy life and his wife made her side of the family their priority, and therefore, we didn’t get to see him much. We got together for holidays and a few family functions here and there, and when we did see each other it was like we hadn’t been apart at all. Now that he’s gone, I’m finding that I forget that he’s not here anymore. I went so long only seeing him a handful of times each year, that his absence became normal. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s gone. I have grieved for him and I’ve cried until I think I can’t cry anymore, but now that the funeral has come and gone, it’s like business as usual. I find myself back in the swing of things and when I suddenly remember, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can’t wrap my head around it. It feels like a dream. Like there’s no way he’s not here. He’s just off doing his own thing like always and I’ll see him soon. So I go about my day, but when it hits me again, I feel so guilty for not remembering or not acknowledging that he’s gone. I don’t know how to describe these feelings I have or this strange mental haze I’m in. I don’t know what to do.
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