I lost my older brother on January 15, 2021. He was 48 years old. He battled pancreatic cancer for almost a year, and in September he had the tumor removed and was cancer free. Unfortunately, he had many complications after the surgery and he never recovered.
My brother and I were close as kids. He was seven years older than me and was the typical mean older brother, but I wanted to be just like him. After he got married, he went his own way and he distanced himself from his immediate family. He lived a busy life and his wife made her side of the family their priority, and therefore, we didn’t get to see him much. We got together for holidays and a few family functions here and there, and when we did see each other it was like we hadn’t been apart at all.
Now that he’s gone, I’m finding that I forget that he’s not here anymore. I went so long only seeing him a handful of times each year, that his absence became normal. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s gone.
I have grieved for him and I’ve cried until I think I can’t cry anymore, but now that the funeral has come and gone, it’s like business as usual. I find myself back in the swing of things and when I suddenly remember, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can’t wrap my head around it.
It feels like a dream. Like there’s no way he’s not here. He’s just off doing his own thing like always and I’ll see him soon. So I go about my day, but when it hits me again, I feel so guilty for not remembering or not acknowledging that he’s gone.
I don’t know how to describe these feelings I have or this strange mental haze I’m in. I don’t know what to do.