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Napa sadness

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  1. Thanks for the suggestions. I now have a library of grieving books. I will eventually read them. For now, I’m talking to a therapist and watching cooking shows! I’m taking one hour at a time, as everyone knows how I should feel and what I need to do. I’m grateful for my animals. Another living breathing creature. I know I’m testy as I’m not sleeping through the night. I’m tired but always wake up at 3:33. Threes were our kissing hello or goodbye. Always three times. People laughed. Our little rituals. I’ve already made a date with a girlfriend for Valentines Day. Don and I went out before or after, never on. So I’m changing it up!
  2. I now realize why they say not to move the first year! I made the mistake of remodeling my bedroom during Don’s illness. Hired a novice that did nothing right. Paid him as I was afraid of retaliation. Waited a few months and started again. New guy works two hours a day! Now laying a floor takes time! At this rate he’ll be done in two months. Yesterday he no showed, so a new floor person today. Now, I’ve always been a discount girl, saving wherever I can, but, this will cost me double! Finances are another issue when husbands die! My income changes significantly . You’re not only grieving, you now have to pay a huge mortgage alone. I’m going to do my best to stay here. Rents in Napa are huge too. Last night I was laying in bed, feeling sad and my mortuary guy texted me with sweet thoughts. He said Beth, I can’t stop thinking of you as I’m pondering the loss of my mother. He and I bonded the first time I called setting up arrangements. He even wanted to run errands for me. He forwarded a beautiful song about lost love. There is support around every corner. I find if people didn’t make me feel better I run. I can’t stay in their judgement zone. Taking my inventory doesn’t work. My besties sister lost her husband to glioblastoma in November. We talk weekly. We have bonded because of this horrible disease. My husband had surgery, hers didn’t. He made it nine months, mine five months. I had no Dr visits. Only zoom. I’m resentful, as I feel they thought I was exaggerating his symptoms. I was exhausted as I gave him 24 hour care with zero help. His daughter was here 2-3 hours a day. That helped but, I changed him moved him and cleaned up. Hospice (thank goodness) came in ten days before he died. They marveled at how well I took care of him. Today every bone aches, muscles are hurting, I have fever blisters and cold sores. It’s like I couldn’t get sick when he was ill, and they’re hitting at once. Thank you for listening. I know I need to write, it helps me. I did a Caringbridge page for five months. I was raw and forthright, some people were shocked at my truths. That’s me. We had about 250 people reading it. There’s no way I could have talked to all of them. CaringBridge was a God send. Thank you for being here. Now, if I’m not back right away means I’m just busy. Not leaving. 💔
  3. I’m having a hard time navigating this site! Opening responses etc
  4. Thank you. We sequestered since March. We were fine, enjoying our life. Going to our boat at the Delta. Social distancing lunches. I played golf. I will continue with these things as we open up. I’m very much an extravert, VP of marketing for Fidelity, in recent years I worked two days a week at a tasting room. We have a lot of friends, single and married. I find I don’t want to talk to a lot of them. I feel like my sadness is to much for them. I’ve been the one feeding 100 people during our fires. My house always open for dinners, holidays etc. Don and I were such a good team. He told me daily how lucky we were. Loving each other, enjoying our garden, our animals. He wasn’t fearful. When I said why you? He said why not me. No fear. I feel differently daily, no really every hour. I realized today I feel out of balance. Like one side is lagging. We were each other’s yen and yang. Him a zen master and me, never meeting a stranger. Really good for each other. A girlfriend came by with a huge check for me as she was worried about my house! I’m fine. She said most people would never know the love Don and I had. She wouldn’t. I’m glad people saw the respect and loyalty. 💔Napa sadness.
  5. Thank you. I’m a Casa and do a lot of fundraising, so volunteering is my norm. Wish I could go to church. I have two pets that are really mourning. I play golf, but can’t right now. It’s a very strange time.
  6. My husband died January 6. He was diagnosed with glioblastoma August 5. I thought I had more time. I didn’t. The shock. I’ve not been alone for 30 years. I miss him terribly. No service, no family, none of the regular rituals. My nights and mornings are so sad. I’m lucky to have many friends and much support. I’m still very much alone. Sequestering because of covid, social distancing, makes this so hard. I miss my wonderful supportive best friend. I look for him to come in the door. My pets are suffering too. I finally put a sweater of my husbands in the dogs bed. It helped her sleep. I wish I could sleep. I’m crying everyday. I’m hoping to feel better everyday. Hospice called me Friday with support. Talked two hours. I’m feeling like, my life has changed so drastically, everyone else’s has stayed the same. I wish I could sleep until next year, but I’d wake up in the same space I am now. How are people coping with death during a pandemic?
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