GulfP

I am extremely proud of you Cody, you have healed an enormous amount since I first got in touch with you. I am also very thankful for you and @BaxterBurg, I would be in a much darker place right now if it wasn't for you two! And also extremely thankful for @MartyT and @kayc and their top-notch advise! I chose not to follow their advises early on because I knew that they meant to not act on any hope. It was only after I took their advise and started NC that I started healing non-stop, thank you both so much for taking the time to provide some clarity and guidance to those of us who needed it. There is a special place in my heart just for you two.

Thanks for sharing this article Kayc, it's very helpful.

Hey Sarah, As I said it's okay to worry about her. It's natural. You care about her and her well-being. Unfortunately, as she chose to do this alone, you will have to respect that and give her space. I believe what she needs right now, more than a distraction, is to sit down on her own and think of what's going on. Even if you were still there for her, I bet everything would be extremely overwhelming that she might just want to not do anything and cry, which is totally ok too! My ex and I both stayed in the house for a month before I convinced her to go out and pick up some food to go. Within this month she would barely answer to anyone other than her close family. I know that you're scared, worried, and want to desperately know how she's doing or if she's taking care of herself. But what she needs right now before anything else is some space. Her grief is extremely personal, and doing anything contrary to what she wants is just going to push her away even more and probably bring her more stress. There is no wrong way to grief either, she's doing what her mind needs right now. Again, take this opportunity to do things to improve yourself. A break up will always uncover some issues we have, especially if it's the first one. Start analyzing your thoughts and think of why you are having them. I found out I was co-dependent for example, and it was affecting my mental health in a BIG way. I'm currently working on improving that aspect of myself and already feel much better! Also, it's easy to let the day pass when you're constantly thinking of your ex. Worrying about her will drain your energy BIG time, so be sure to separate some time for yourself too please.

It's okay! Everything that you are feeling right now is normal and expected. I felt it and actually still feel it too. Do what you believe is right, just try not to obsess on the idea of her coming back. I know it's hard and it hurts like crazy, but it's a process that will end at some point. I feel you. Loosing someone in this pandemic is especially hard. My ex watched her mother's funeral through Facetime 2000 miles away from her family, with no way of traveling due to the restrictions. It was just her and I, in lock down, watching a screen. It felt so surreal. The weird thing with us humans though is that we adapt. We find anything to make us feel ''safe'' or ''at home'', and once we find those, they become our little personal peaceful space. I imagine this is all very hard for her (and for you too), but she will eventually find her way to her safe space where she can process what's going on.

Sounds like a plan. It's okay to worry about her and think of her often, just don't let it control your day. Get out there and do things you love and be confident that she's working on fixing herself. I also decided not to get back with my ex unless we both have worked on our issues (if the possibility existed), because if we didn't, we would break up all over again most probably. Hopefully after this cooling off period we can still remain friends, but it's up to her honestly. I'm close to hitting the 2 month mark and I'm feeling a million times better than I did a month ago, or even a couple of weeks ago. Actually, I'm feeling better than I felt right before the break up, as I felt it was coming and my anxiety was through the roof. My confidence levels are getting back to their normal values, my self-love is through the roof, and all of the issues that I've noted I had, are being worked on. It's going to be a tough road ahead, but be kind and patient to yourself. I understand this feeling. I want to know too, but there's no way to know for sure. Be ok with the idea of her not coming back though, and focus on yourself for now.

Even the toughest times brings us things to learn from. It's good that you have acknowledged that you have some issues that you have to work on. A break up will reveal a lot of things that we didn't know about ourselves, which will help us massively to become a better person and partner in the future. It's important, for example, to always love yourself more than anything else. You'll notice that you have everything that is needed to be a complete, happy, confident person. If you do decide to hold on to that hope, keep low expectations as you said and take care of yourself. If you'd want her to come back, you'd want her to see you happy and stable. Same thing goes for you I suppose, you'd want to see her in a much better position than she is right now. Also, if in the healing process you realize that it may not be a great idea to get back together, then don't feel guilty to fully move on.

I understand what you're feeling completely. I'm not going to tell you to let go of any hope and simply move on. You are the only one that truly knows the relationship you had and I am in no position to tell you otherwise. What I can suggest though is that you focus on you and only yourself for now. Keep working on your goals, studies, work, whatever it is that drives you to be a better person. Don't just simply be enslaved by the hope. My ex also told me similar things and it's hard to let it go. However, after a solid month of (consciously or unconsciously) trying to get her back, I realized holding on to that hope was hurting me and affecting my daily life. The same day I realized that, I went to her house and dropped the last few things I had from her. It felt so wrong but a few weeks after I started feeling better and more free. What I'm trying to say is that it's okay to have hope, but it's important to note that that will come with pain, sleepless nights, anxiety, and many other awful emotions. At least that was my case, but still wanted to give you a heads up. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best!

Hey Sarah, Unfortunately it's gonna be very hard to get closure from her. She sounds very confused and overwhelmed as you said but what matters is what happened, and that is that she broke up with you. Regardless of what was said before or after that, she made the decision to break it up and that's the clearest thing you'll get in this process. The rest will need to come from you, and getting closure on your own will be very hard. I myself still struggle to do that after 2 months, but I have done great progress and don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I agree. She needs her own space to process her thoughts and organize her life again. Life after the death of a loved one can be so chaotic from what I've seen. Maybe take this opportunity to stay in no contact for a while, that way you can process your thoughts as well and look back at this break up with a clearer mind. Remember that you are also grieving, so it's important that you take care of yourself. It's okay to be devastated and angry. Don't block any of the emotions that you're feeling, they're all natural and there's no wrong way to feel honestly. Take your time and be easy on yourself. Love yourself. I do believe though that in order to fully move on we need to forgive our exes eventually. Otherwise they're going to become baggage to carry in our future relationships. That comes naturally I think, and as we start de attaching ourselves from them, it becomes easier to just let go. This is just my opinion.

I'd say most probably you'll both start no contact eventually. My ex and I both agreed to stay as friends, but in order to do that we both have to let go of our feelings, and the best way is to stay no contact and regain some clarity. After the break up we still talked every now and then but I always felt it was forced on her part, so I naturally stopped texting her and she hasn't texted me back, and I'm fine with it honestly. It's only after being in no contact for a bit that I realized how much keeping her close was affecting me. Also, don't ever feel bad for trying to re-spark the relationship. It only shows how much you loved him and how much you cared about the relationship. You have a big heart and that says a lot about you. I'd just suggest to avoid trying the same thing again. You tried it once and it didn't work, now it's your turn to move on and become your best self. Focus on what's best for you from now on and keep those goals in mind every day.

If you strongly believe she may be a danger to herself, maybe try to contact one of her family members to check up on her. However, I can't help much since I'm not an expert. Definitely read Marty's article. What I can say though is that the first few weeks after the death of a loved one are extremely painful. My ex at least also stopped answering texts and disconnected herself from society because everyone and everything would remind her of her mother. She only spoke to her family and me (her and I lived together).

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My ex told me all these good things but at the same time was breaking up with me. It was obvious that by the end the relationship became pretty one-sided, and no matter how hard we try, our partner needs to put on some effort as well, which was not my case at least. According to my ex, she would wake up every morning wanting to do things with me, but at the same time had to work, study, help her dad, etc. and those latter ones were her priority. She told me she had this constant pressure that she was not contributing enough to the relationship and that was messing with her, so she realized she was not in a position to continue doing that. This also led to her saying ''you deserve so much better'', ''I don't know how I'm going to be in a month or year from now, and it's not fair for you to wait until I get better'', and other things. I wanted to be there for her no matter what, and was ready to keep on helping her for years to come, but unfortunately it was not my choice to make. Sarah, if your GF decided to break up it's because she needs to have her own space. The only thing you can do is to respect her wishes, otherwise you'll push her away even more. I know how much you want to be there for her, but the decision is made and we must respect it. I don't think you have to go strictly no contact though. You can check up on her once every one or two weeks maybe, so she at least feels she has someone out there. However, I wouldn't suggest talking to her often, as that will just keep adding pressure to the situation and push her away. Be careful if you decide to stay in touch though, do it only if you know it will not affect your healing. If you feel like talking to her is affecting you, then I'd suggest starting no contact ASAP. The first few weeks were the worst for me. I was desperate to get her back and would not sleep or be productive during the day. It's okay to feel bad, cry, hit your pillows, or whatever helps you release your emotions. But please do keep in mind that you need to practice self-care in order to eventually get out of this one. Work out, do things you couldn't do when you were dating your ex, find hobbies, go out for walks, take yourself on a date and eat your favorite food, dress nicely even if staying at home, etc. This is an opportunity for you to get to know and love yourself in a deeper sense. Just one last thing. Whatever you decide to do in handling the break up, do it for you, and not for your ex.

I'm so sorry Sarah. For what it's worth, she might be just as confused as you are. People going through grief are simply overwhelmed and a good share of them just throw off the towel as to release anything that might bring stress in the future. My ex also told me that she loved me but that I deserved better. Apparently some people want their grief to be very personal, and don't want to share it with anybody else either. Again, I believe this is not them making the decisions, but the grief itself. Oh and also, this is not your fault. This is a good opportunity to work on yourself and become an even better person. I know it's hard to think of a future without her, but sooner or later you will have to come to the realization of it and that you don't need a specific person to achieve your best self. Always love yourself more than any one else! If you both chose to stay in touch, I'd suggest giving her space either way. She needs time to figure herself out and texting/calling her will just add more pressure IMO. Feel free to send me a message if you feel like talking. You've got this!

Hi Nikka, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it feels strange to share such a personal situation with a bunch of strangers, but it does help to let it out! My GF of 1 year / 4 months broke up with me 8 months after her mother's death. We also went through a lot of hard times together, but my ex was so close to her mother that her passing completely changed her, which it's not uncommon. Unfortunately grief is extremely powerful and consumes every bit of the griever, including their emotions (like love). Some people are unable to deal with it and have the pressure of having a relationship on top of it, so they end up breaking it up because they simply can't handle it. From what I understand, you guys stayed together for a while and broke up some months after when things have gotten to a breaking point, which is exactly what happened with my relationship as well. This was especially hard on me because I saw my ex slowly fading away for 8 months. I understood her behavior at first but then the distance became so noticeable that I started feeling lonely and not loved. She stopped saying ''I love you'', stopped sending good morning and good night texts, stopped talking about a future together, etc. Naturally I talked to her about it which I think pushed her away even more. This is something out of our control, and it's important that we don't take it personally. Grief is making the decisions for them, and they're just in autopilot going through the roller coaster of their emotions. Be proud though that you were capable of staying by his side throughout all this. I'm sure you've helped him a lot even though he might not see it right now. I'd suggest to give him space, even though it might seem contradictory. He seems like he needs to figure out himself for now. Meanwhile, focus on yourself and work on being comfortable and happy being on your own. The only love that will never go away is ours. It will be a tough road, but the amount of self-development that comes out of it is incredible. You've got this. If you ever feel like talking to someone, we're here for you.

Hi Sarah, I'm so sorry that you've fallen into this situation. As Baxter says, it's a common grief response to push people away and deal with it alone. Unfortunately to those in a relationship, it's something that will affect the relationship one way or another. It's important that you don't take it personally though, because she's not the one making the decisions, but her grief itself. The only thing that you can do is to respect her wishes, as doing anything other than that will push her away even more by adding even more pressure. I'll be honest with you, the next few months are going to be tough, regardless if you end up breaking up or not. Personally speaking, my ex unexpectedly lost her mother and we stayed together for 8 more months after that. I actually found out her mother passed away before her, and I was also desperate trying to learn how to help my partner cope with grief. I found this same forum the day she passed away, and was shocked to see all the negative outcomes. I thought I was in a different situation though as our relationship was extremely strong and healthy, but I unfortunately saw her falling even deeper into depression, up until the point of the break up 8 months later. You're going to start doubting yourself, thinking that you could do better, that you're failing her, etc. Please don't fall into that loophole. There's nothing that you can do to help them feel better, not even a perfect partner. The only thing that can stop their pain is to have their lost one back, and that won't happen. However, if she lets you, distract her and try to be as supportive as possible. Please make sure to look after yourself too. It's easy to replicate your partner's emotions, and that will bring you down pretty easily. Don't feel guilty if you're happy and she's not. Especially now you have to be as emotionally strong as you'll ever be. We're always here for you, you're not alone.