HI, I'm new here and I joined because I was searching the internet for help for dealing with the loss of a relationship due to grieving. It seems like it is pretty common after reading some of these threads. I am having a lot of trouble with it and had a breakdown in front of my friends this weekend when we were trying to have fun and realized I need another outlet for this pain.
My ex and I have been on and off for a few years now, but mostly off. We are both 34 and he's never had a long-term relationship. I think his longest is with me, which was only 3 months - we did that twice. His attachment style is definitely avoidant and he would tell me in the past that he "can't be what I need right now." This time, however, I broke up with my boyfriend for this ex (I'll call him D) because it seemed like he wanted to have a real go at it. A few weeks after that breakup was D's birthday at the end of October and that's when we kinda got back to "trying" to be together and it was really nice and I was glad about it. The weekend right after his birthday he had a beach trip planned with friends so he went on that. On the Sunday during the trip, he found out that his little sister had died of a drug overdose. He told me about it and said that he might be a little distant for awhile. I said something really supportive but expected that he needed a lot of space. I did offer to go to her memorial service and he wanted me there. However, instead of being distant, he was reaching out to me a lot for support and asked to come over and cried to me. He was very open with me about his grief at this time, much to my surprise really. I felt like we were closer than ever due to this. I did go to the service and he introduced me to his family. For about a month after that, we continued to see other, maybe four more times, so not a lot, but we went on dates and spent more time together than I expected considering how much space he usually seems to need.
Around mid-December, that stopped and then it was me reaching out and never really being able to pin him down. He wasn't wanting to do much which was understandable. Then he started saying that he doesn't know what he wants and that he is really depressed and needs to get his life together and that this is just who he is, a recluse. It is really hard, especially because I see him out with his friends, but that he doesn't have the energy or desire to see me - I guess because being with me is unwanted pressure to be a certain way or feel certain things. I freaked out a few times and he did come over and comfort me and we decided to "keep trying," but then we just went on one date that I suggested. I definitely said things I regret because I am so upset that I left my boyfriend for D and now the chance of a relationship with D is gone. I didn't really think it had to do with grief - just thought maybe he only wants me if I am unavailable - until I started reading these groups and seeing that other people have had breakdowns of relationships due to grief. I thought that the experience of being there for him made our connection stronger, but in fact, it was the opposite.
I am here because I am so sad about it. I keep crying all the time and am so depressed.