Mrcelloboy

Chris, I'm very sorry for your loss and commend the caring and love you shared with Paula. I lost my former fiancee and partner of 10 years, Kathy Hiebel, in 2006 to a tragic cycling accident. I found that I wasn't able to really grieve until I had another partner within the year following her death. Miraculously; Melanie and I have been able to survive this rocky re-start; largely due to her professional experience with depression, and her patience. Coming up on 7 years aince losing Kathy, I still have moments of sadness now and then. One of our shared passions was cycling. Though Melanie is also a cyclist, it's only this past year that I've finally felt inspired to ride again with enthusiasm. I want to let you know that a great amount of healing is possible. You MUST be patient, and allow yourself the space to experience your sadness. But try not to feel hopeless. There is hope.

Dear Rachel, I used to "happen" to notice digital clocks and watches displaying 11:11 and 1:11 with amazing frequency. I thought that there must be some hidden meaning. First it seemed kind of ominous. Then, when my late fiancee and I were deciding a wedding date, I remebered the 11's and sure enough; 11:11 was a Saturday. We scheduled our wedding for that date. Now it took on a positive feeling. Well, she was killed in an accident on 11/10; a year and a day before our planned wedding. Wow. Since then I don't see these numbers as frequently on clocks, but I do notice when i'm reading books that I notice pages 11 and 111 pretty regularly.

"I guess I just can't imagine beginning a relationship with anyone else while still grieving. I mean does one just compartmentalize the grief to move on, or does it exist simultaneously?" Personally I'm a guy who has a very hard time being single. I had myself convinced that I was ready to "date" within the first year after I lost Kathy. What was really going on was that I couldn't allow myself to grieve without the support of a partner. Once Melanie and I were together I realized I still had some serious grieving to do. Fortunately for both of us Melanie was able to deal with that. As far as being happy? I still feel far rom the happiness I know before my loss, but I'm certainly better than I've been since then and I believe I'm still slowly improving.

I lost my fiancee and partner of 10 years, Kathy, on 11/10/2006. I married again on 12/7/2009. Melanie is a wonderful gift in my life. I still feel my loss. I still feel like I'm less present that I used to be before losing Kathy. I find it difficult to feel inspired. I'm not as physically active as I used to be. I remind myself that I'm lucky to have a job that I enjoy, a wife, children, pets, yet I still feel like; "So what?" Though I love to nap I don't think I'm really depressed. I don't shy away from social events, I'll take part in physical activity that others instigate, I continue to play my cello. I just don't have much enthusiasm for any of it. I worry a bit about what Mel and I will face in "retirement" (whenever that is). We're both 55 and neither of us has saved much. We envision working at least to 65 if not beyond, but there's only so much we'll be able to accomplish financially these next ten years. Was it Bill Murray that said; "Call a Waaaahmbulance!"

I'm so sorry that you're hurting Melina. Totally understandable. I like to believe that our lost ones can continue seeing us, for at least a time after they leave us, so maybe your husband can see how well your son is doing. Would you want to share a link to your son's video? I know I'd like to see if if that's OK. I can only suggest you keep feeling your feelings and letting them pass through you. In my experience it becomes less difficult with time; though it's not always diminishing steadily. I believe we're here for a reason; even if it's a small reason.

Dear JCT, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of 10 years, Kathy, to a bicycle accident almost four years ago. It still hurts, though life is much more bearable now. I'd say that I was in a bit of a depressed place for almost 3 years; just making myself survive. I've always been pretty much of an optimist, so I'm always confident that things will continue to get better. Kathy was a Registered Nurse and a very caring person. Some close friends believe that her soul was needed for a more important purpose. I tend to believe that things often "just happen", however Kathy had close calls with death twice before the accident that claimed her, and neither were due to carelessness, so maybe there is such a thing as "fate". Everyone grieves and deals with loss differently. I'd encourage you to alow yourself to experience your grief this first year rather than trying to escape it. I pushed it away myself at first, and it just postponed it. If you're open-minded, see if you can locate some support groups, maybe sponsored by the local Hospice organizations. I found thee groups very helpful. I wish you the best, and I hope you and your baby do well together.

The last three nights in a row I've dreamed about Kathy; the partner I lost coming up on four years ago. I'm happily re-married to another wonderful woman. I guess that because Kathy was taken from me against my will, and so unexpectedly, I still suffer a bit from the trauma and loss. Maybe it's the fact that I'm happy with my present wife and partner that Kathy is surfacing in my subconcious; reminding me of another happy time in my life. Any others have a similar experience?

Hi KayC. Yes, it's been a while. I married my "recovery" sweetie Melanie this past Dec. 7. Life is by far mostly positive. We had a bit of roughness when I cme out of my long (2-3 year) period of grief and depression recently and my more "manic" self appeared. Melanie had never seen this part of me (which is more "normal" for me, so we had some situations arise where our tension escalated to scary levels. At her request I began seeing a Psychiatrist and taking some med's to even ot my moods. I didn't fell much different in my thought proccesses, but she was happy that i was making the effort. Since then I've come to realize I may have an annual cycle of low-intensity Bipolar behavior; starting around Halloween and tapering off after New Years. Back to the good part... Melanie and I are both very affectionate and share many interests. I travel periodically for work and she's able to accompany me which is fun for both of us. We hike, bike, take pictures and love to eat. Life is good~! Maury

Dear Chagrin, You have the right to feel how you feel; in this case angry, and disapproving. Personally I think it was wrong to have looked in on your mom's networking account, but that's done and can't be undone. The only "normal" in grief is that it's different for everyone. I agree with you that in most cases it's probably not the best idea to jump directly into another relationship. I know this from my own experience (making the same mistake) when I lost my partner 3 years ago. Your disapproval is not going to change what your mom does. She'll need to handle things in her own ways. My advice would be to let your mom handle her stuff and that you concentrate on processing your own grief regarding your loss. Be available for eachother emotionally if you can. If you two are close let her know that you care about her well being. Maury

My best wishes in this new friendship Kay. Love, Maury

I certainly understand the thought and feeling. Having been an optimist most of my life I fall back on the belief that things will improve; even if it takes a really long time.

A late Happy Birthday to you Teny. Maury in California.

Two-and-a-half years later I'm not where I'd thought I'd be (emotionally). I had this idea that after a year or two I'd be healed, loving someone again, back to my optimistic self and enjoying the activities I used to, such as biking. Reality is that my favorite avocation seems to be going for the world record in napping (both frequency and duration). I do participate in life enough to feel I'm not terribly depressed, but I lack the enthusiasm and energy I used to have, and miss it. My current partner is incredibly understanding and loving, and doesn't pressure me to behave differently. She thinks I'm still a wonderful guy, which I often have a hard time hearing. I know how much more spirit I'm capable of, and I miss it. If I try to be objective I can certainly see slow recovery over the past couple of years. It's just much slowr than I expected. Maury

It can be such a long proccess, healing from the loss of a partner. I've noticed that dreams can be very healing sometimes. Kathy has appeared (or been mentioned) in my dreams several times recently. Once I woke up crying in frustration at the situation in hte dream. Once it was as if it was no big deal that she weas there, and the most recent time, though she wasn't present in the dream, I was voicing in my dream that I still love her. Last night I dreamed that I was getting very re-involved with portrait photography; something that I used to do professionally. One of the strongest feelings I was aware of when I woke up was feeling more like "my old self". To me, this fells like a good thing. I always hope for healing dreams. When they do occur It's a welcome occurrence.

The night following Kathy's accidental death I fell asleep with a candle burning on a cabinet at the foot of our bed. I awoke after falling asleep, looking at the shadows that the flame cast onto the wall, and for a moment I could see in these shadows, the words "I'm OK". I still believe this was a reassuring message direct from Kathy.

1. Kathy accepted me as I was. When we first met my two boys were still pretty young, and I was struggling a bit financially. Kathy ingnored these "red flags" and trusted the love and attraction she felt for me. 2. We were both very affectionate. She appreciated my affection and to me was the sexiest person alive. 3. She knew how to live life to the fullest. When we biked together (which was often) she'd sprint ahead of me (when we weren't on the tandem) and egg me on to go faster. 4. She LOVED to eat (so do I). She wasn't skinny, she was just right. She lost at least one previous boyfriend becuase he questioned her eating habits. LUCKY ME! 5. She wasn't afraid to try new things. She'd just read a book or take a workshop, then try something herself.

I'll keep you in my thoughts Teny. Maury

Today is the two year anniversary of Kathy's death. It doesn't feel like that long. I'm having a much better day than I expected, though it's not over; and I'll be getting together with her son, mother, best-friend and my current partner for dinner this evening. Where a year ago was a time of rawness, confusion, and hurt, I feel more recovered now; though still a long way from where I'd like to be. I'd like to have my emotions more accessible. I'd like to be more excited about life than I am. I'd like to feel a clearer love for my partner. I wish riding a bicycle was as enjoyable as it used to be. Please wish along with me for me the patience and strength to keep on working at life. I know Kathy would want me to be enjoying life a lot more than I am yet. Maury

Carrieboo, I think we're (those of us grieving loss) all different and alike at the same time in ways. I lost my fiancee 22 months ago when she was riding her bicycle and a recycling truck turned into her. We'd been together 10 years. I have a new sweetie who's a wonderful soul. We've been together for a bit over a year. What I believe is love on my part doesn't feel quite like what I remember, and my passion isn't as strong; but we have so much in common that I feel it's worth a fight. I battle with what I'm sure is mild depression and believe I'm healing slowly but surely. I won't give up believing that what still mostly feels like "just existing" will eventually bloom back into more of a passion for life. We're both 53 and trying to figure out how to combine our households (in a down real-estate cycle) so that we both can get on with paying off credit cards, etc. and maybe still save something for retirement while still enjoying life a bit before we expire. It's a struggle. We just cannot give up the dream that things can and will get better. Maury

I'm coming up an another Birthday Anniversary of Kathy's, and about 19 months since her death. I've been involved with Melanie since last August. We've weathered some tough times since we began dating. This last couple of months have seen a lot of improvement in how I'm feeling and how Melanie and I are getting along. She treated me to a psychic reading with Karen Peterson a few months ago and that was a definite turning point. Probably the single most meaningful concept that came up in my discussion with Karen was, that when I feel loss at times, this is a sign that Kathy is "with me"; sharing in my experience. Instantly the situation takes on a more positive feeling. Since then I've just felt much lighter and more relaxed in general. I've been able to accept Melnaie's love more freely, and drop much of the heaviness I've been feeling. I turn, I'm feeling more hopeful again that my relationship with Melanie is going to survive and grow. Just thought some of you would be happy to hear a story of hope. Maury

Hi Kathy. I lost my Kathy 18 months ago tomorrow. Today I biked with the local club. It was a beautiful day and there were lots of cycling friends on the ride and at the picnin afterwards. Kathy and I met biking, and that activity had been a large part of our life. I still feel her missing on rides, no matter how beautiful it is. I tried napping in the afternoon but started feeling a bit depressed by my inactivity so I walked to a coffe house about 8 blocks away just to get out and about. I stopped and shed a few tears on the way there, in the grief that I still feel at losing Kathy. At all the changes I had and have to deal with. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try not to demand too much from myself other than moving forward slowly. I keep reminding myself that just getting to the next day is progress. Maury

I'm reading a book by Barbara Kingsolver, called The Poisonwood Bible. Towards the end of the story I came across the following quote which I want to share, as it felt close to home for me in my recovery from loss: "You get to find your own way to dig out a heart and shake it off and hold it up to the light again." In my efforts to crawl back from my loss, and attempt to share joyful feelings again in new relationships, I often feel my heart has been beaten up, and that I'm having to totally re-learn what love is, and whether I'll ever be capable of feeling it in that way that I once did. I really hope so. Maury

I had a massage scheduled on the way home (with Kathy's son) but he had to cancel (bummer). I did pick up the foods I had in mind on the way home and had a relatively peasant evening. I had a good cry over Kathy. Saturday I did a good bike ride with my special pal Melanie, then we napped around and had a relaxing evening. Sunday was marred a bit by my getting home to a letter from child support services regarding my younger son who lives with his mom. She's asked them to review my income again (to try to squeeze more $$ out of me). As if I don't have enough stress in my life~! That kind of pushed me over a bit of an edge, but I think it's going to be a good one. I started to feel like I've reached the limit of my whining. I just need to "DEAL" with things. Maury

I'm at work and Fridays can be a little slow, so I'm left with extra time when my mind can drift. This desk is where I sat when that awful call came 11/10/2006 telling me to get over to my fiancee's mom's house immediately. Sometimes staring out the office window brings me back to those moments. I have a saved phone message from Kathy, here on my work phone, where she says... "Honey, I love you.. I love you..." that I've been afraid to listen to for about a year. I'm going to get a massage from Kathy's son after work today. He's taken up body-work since her death and I'm one of the lucky guinea pigs while he learns the ropes. It's a nice opportunity for me to stay in touch with him. I think I'll pick up some comfort food tonight (potato chips, frozen pizza, ice cream?) and eat it with a little beer or wine when I get home. Have a good cry and just try to relax by myself tonight. Hope all of you find at least a little comfort this weekend. My love to you all. Maury